"The hardest thing about being a pageant director is knowing at the end of the day somebody's not happy," she says. Oh cry me a big fat river. "Sometimes they'll let you know that. In a very public way." That is why you should have security at these things, so someone has a taser for unruly parents. I'd attend these just at the chance of seeing a parent tased and confused!
I would think the saddest thing is
that you have a degree from M.I.T. in biomechanical engineering
and yet you do this, but who am I to talk?
Danielle interviews that she thinks Jadyn has a good chance at winning this pageant and I would agree, she's adorable except for that little slice of arrogance we snacked on earlier. Her worry is that the judges will only be looking for the high-glitz and not the natural. She says this while we see granny slapping fake fingernails on her granddaughter.
Over at the judging table, we have two women from Louisville who were invited so they wouldn't know anyone at the pageant. I guess there are some "familiarity" issues like there were during my 6th grade cheerleader tryouts where the gym teachers were the judges and they picked their favorite kids. I was robbed! Unfortunately, these two women are managers of a tanning salon in Louisville, so I'm guessing they'll favor the tanner kids over the albinos. Just like those damn cheerleader tryouts! Oh, and there is a guy at the table who isn't officially creepy, but he is a guy judging a child beauty pageant, so by default there's something icky about him.
Kayleigha is getting her makeup caked on and she's fussing like a two year old (and she's four). She makes a grouchy face and I want to spank her! With a brick! Over in Holly's corner it looks like a team of experts are applying all of her glitz and glamour. She says, "Okay, here's the facials I'm going to do," and at first I was like, you are already made up, why are you going for facials? You'll ruin that beautiful skin! But it turns out they call facial expressions facials. Seriously, you may consider a speech class for this kid too...she speaks English but they have to subtitle everything she says. (Did anyone else notice that - a lot of people in this were subtitled despite the fact they all speak some sort of English. It's not Nell for God's sake).
Editors, she does speak English, just not correctly!
Jadyn is getting her natural eyelashes attached to her eyelids and Aimee says Jadyn has really blossomed in these pageants. Yes, but can blossoming win you a competition? Spoiler alert: No. Sorry, should have given you more of a warning.
Back over with Holly, her little cousin who is competing in the 2-year old category is clearly suffering from St. Vitus' Dance. I don't think that wins you many points. Dawn interviews that the little one woke up at 3am (prostate problems?), then slept on the way to the pageant, and she's going to try to get her down for "one more little nappy" before the pageant so she won't be too cranky. Too late. Try putting a nappy over her face!
Save me Jeebus!
Dawn is attempting to put her kid in the pageant dress, then enlists the help of a team of moms who cannot get that squirrelly little monkey in the dress. Unlike the mother of the brat from a couple of episodes ago, Dawn says, "It ain't worth it," and takes the kid into the bathroom to calm her down (which works). So when mother says they will quit when their kid says no, take note: THIS IS THE KID SAYING NO. Good for Dawn! More importantly? Good for US because we don't have to hear that brat whine the rest of the show.
Giving your kid a swirly is not going to help the situation.
Dawn interviews that she's too tired to do the show, and she promised she wouldn't force her. Then she breaks down crying and says she doesn't want to interview anymore. She's probably thinking of the non-refundable entrance fee and the fact that the dress they picked out won't fit much longer! Dang! Should have shaved your 2-year old's legs!
Wow, they totally used up all their decorating budget at the dollar store.
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Comments (14)
Oh my God. This recap is hilarious. The show is NUTS!! "You win. Which means you lose." I still don't get it!!!! Who knew that pageants could be so complicated? The fake teeth and hair and tans are so scary. We certainly do not have that sort of thing in the Northeast.
1 of 14 | Posted by shmoopy32 | Posted on March 10, 2009 2:35 PM
Don't hit the kid, it's not her fault. I mean, she's just a kid, her parents made her this way. And kids who act like this are actually quite miserable.
The parents should be taken out and be flogged.
I really like your recaps -- they start out all glowy-eyed over all the glitter and pretty dresses...and slowly turn into a tale of disgust and horror...
2 of 14 | Posted by itchy | Posted on March 10, 2009 3:32 PM
Crabby, you have topped yourself! From Charles Barkley and Kobe to drunken, naked kids to Old Man Roth, I was laughing out loud!
Do you think The Man is kinda like that guy on Real Housewives of Atlanta who was keeping the blonde chick as his mistress?
3 of 14 | Posted by pixielated | Posted on March 10, 2009 6:01 PM
Dishrag looked so out of place and ridiculous and do you know how hard that was in that group? I will never understand how Kayleigha gets 2 parents, pageants, and everything a kid's heart desires and kids like me end up in foster care where their foster mother loviningly refers to them as "extra cash" Something just aint right. I have to admit a laughed a little at the end when they were trying to talk and she kept snoring. And little mop top gained 1/2 cool point with me when she was cheering for her much prettier friend Mikayla
4 of 14 | Posted by Fayellis1 | Posted on March 10, 2009 7:00 PM
Kaleigha is the ugliest kid I have ever seen.
The way grandpa said 'retired' was hillarious, b/c he said Re-tard.
5 of 14 | Posted by fatgirlsrule | Posted on March 10, 2009 8:05 PM
Still...laughing...so...hard. This recap should win super pan deep dish supreme with anchovies!!! Kudos DearCrabby you deserve shiny tiaras and adult sized swirly dresses.
6 of 14 | Posted by Fancypants | Posted on March 10, 2009 9:39 PM
If people really want to know 'What Ever Happened to Baby Jane?' then look no futher because she turned into "Bratty McNasty".
I try not to talk bad about little kids but the term "bitch-ass nasty" is right on the money. I could see that she loves doing the pagents but just because she is little miss sunshine on stage does not mean she gets to act like a demon seed off stage. I don't feel sorry for the parents because they should have to live with the monster they created but like DC says the dad will be gone soon because the child talks (yells) to him like she is HIS verbally abusive mother.
Makayla was beautiful with or without makeup but Kayleigha is not and she needed all that makeup to make her face look doll-like because without it she looks like a mean old lady. She has her dad's Charles Barkley Head and she is not going to be pretty as she gets older.
7 of 14 | Posted by dreamkeeper | Posted on March 11, 2009 3:19 PM
hi
8 of 14 | Posted by LindaLC | Posted on March 12, 2009 7:07 AM
Sorry for the earlier post - I was having trouble getting TVgasm to let me post!
GREAT recap as always, DearCrabby. Are you a Cancer? My friend is and she loves any reference to crabs. Anyhoo... I wanted to smack that Kayleigha upside the head. And that goes double for the parents. I gagged when she won the Grand Pizza Supreme title, or whatever it was.
You (or someone) should be recapping Little Miss Perfect on We. It's basically the same show, but it's even more of a train wreck. The families they find to profile are really pathetic. Check it out!
9 of 14 | Posted by LindaLC | Posted on March 12, 2009 8:02 AM
Great recap! I found this episode painful to watch; or rather the Most Beautiful Kayliegha painful to watch.
And that Cavelli-on-cracktacular outfit! Oh my. Watch out mama, or 14 years from now your little girl may be on Bret Michael's Rock(er) of Love XVII: Keeping it Barely Legal.
(Loved Holly's papa; he minces like a pro!)
10 of 14 | Posted by jennaboa | Posted on March 13, 2009 11:05 AM
Is it me, or does Holly (in the "Okay, here's the facials I'm going to do" pic) look like a little Kelly Ripa...
11 of 14 | Posted by cattyfan | Posted on March 14, 2009 3:18 PM
I just wonder about how accurate the information on TVgasm is. Charles Barkley is not the name of Kayleigha Reynolds father. His name is Twan Reynolds. Get your facts straight.
12 of 14 | Posted by marvin | Posted on May 16, 2009 2:13 PM
Marvin - seriously? How "accurate" our "facts" are? These are recaps designed to poke fun at television. The Charles Barkley comment was A JOKE! If you look at the picture of her dad, he looks like Charles Barkley. The only thing needing straightening out is your funny bone.
13 of 14 | Posted by dearcrabby | Posted on May 17, 2009 3:18 PM
Dear crabby:
This is the first time I've come to tvgasm. It was recommended on another message board devoted to T&T. Your recap was hilarious.
I am just seeing these episodes for the first time. And I laughed so hard when you wrote about the demon-child Kayleigha!
Awesome recap! I look forward to catching up. Watching this show is like watching something monstrous that just won't let you look away!
Thanks,
puffy
14 of 14 | Posted by pufferoo | Posted on August 21, 2009 6:01 PM