The pageant begins! The announcer says something but no one can hear because gym acoustics suck. This is one of the worst stages we've seen - cinder block walls painted dark gray/black with some pick ribbons on it. Sad. Not sad? Some dads show up to walk their kids onto the stage. Good for you guys, we know you'd rather be fishing!
Down in front, please.
Oh goodie, Kaleigha is throwing a tantrum. She's a real charmer, that one. "The most difficult part," her mother says, "is keeping her in the mood." I bet a paddle would do it! Or at least shut her up! Do four year olds still have soft spots on their heads? Draw a target and swing!
"She is very spoiled and not used to waiting." The kid is four - now would be a GREAT time to teach her some manners. "GRRRR!" Kayleigha says. I wish the judges could see this! She starts swatting her mother with something and throws such a fit that they have to do her hair and makeup over. Or? They could pack her up and go home, leaving her at an abandoned rest stop.
Oh my God I hate this kid.
Charles Barkley has turned into Puffy and is keeping Kayleigha occupied by showing her the babies already onstage. All of them are throwing fits like she did, so that should really help things. What the hell is going on in Inez that the kids have gone psycho? I mean besides the fact they are being paraded around like dogs at Westminster?
I could be banging J-Lo right now.
Here comes Kayleigha! She prisses her way all over the stage and I want to smack her. This kid is a monster but knows when to turn it on. That's kind of spooky. She blows kisses to everyone then storms offstage. Her mother greets her and high-fives her.
Way to channel Streisand, you little brat.
Danielle says she and Jadyn have never been to a pageant this big before and that she's usually number 10 or 11 but now she's 28. Life is like that! "I don't feel overwhelmed but I feel the pressure," she says, and all I notice is that there seems to be some kind of flea market situation behind her. Is there anything good?!?!?! MOVE OUT OF THE WAY!
How much for that quilt behind you?
Holly's grandfather is giving her a pep-talk, probably because The Man couldn't be there today. Suddenly Jadyn shows up and asks if Holly wants to be her buddy. That's needy! But actually it turns out that the girls are able to pick a buddy and at the end the buddies who have the most points win the Buddy Award. I wish they had one for co-workers, like the co-workers who are treated the worst at conferences should get the "We're Going Over Our Per Diem to Spite You, So Suck It!" award. Not that I know what that's like.
Holly already has a buddy so Jadyn is DEEENIED. No wait! You can have more than one buddy, so it works out. Holly's mom is happy because even though they are competing against each other, they can still be friends. Or she's just saying that for the camera.
Jadyn's mother is concerned about the competition because there are more girls than Jadyn is used to competing with, and the competition is tough. Just wait until Jadyn joins us out here in the real world, she won't believe her eyes. And there are fewer tiaras.
The only thing you have to fear...is fear of this pageant!
One of the girls in Jadyn's group looks like a Barbie, the other looks and has the personality of a dishrag, there's Holly, and Jadyn in a dress that is a gorgeous color that would totally go with my coloring. Sadly, it is a wee bit too small for me per usual.
I'd like to welcome you all...to Tiara Island!
Holly looks beautiful in her tangerine dream of a dress, but I prefer the long ones.
Looks like a tequila sunrise. Man, I'm thirsty!
Next up? The "Anything Goes" outfits of choice. That could mean anything and I'm not sure I'd let those kids choose. Jadyn's grandmother accidentally pulled the elastic out of Jadyn's skirt. Way to stay calm under pressure, dumbass.
When they said "Anything Goes," I didn't
realize that meant drunk, naked kids.
Lauren's mother is looking forward to letting Kayleigha go wild onstage and I'm thinking that could end like the last Siegfried & Roy show. She is growling a lot.
Use your words, brat.
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Comments (14)
Oh my God. This recap is hilarious. The show is NUTS!! "You win. Which means you lose." I still don't get it!!!! Who knew that pageants could be so complicated? The fake teeth and hair and tans are so scary. We certainly do not have that sort of thing in the Northeast.
1 of 14 | Posted by shmoopy32 | Posted on March 10, 2009 2:35 PM
Don't hit the kid, it's not her fault. I mean, she's just a kid, her parents made her this way. And kids who act like this are actually quite miserable.
The parents should be taken out and be flogged.
I really like your recaps -- they start out all glowy-eyed over all the glitter and pretty dresses...and slowly turn into a tale of disgust and horror...
2 of 14 | Posted by itchy | Posted on March 10, 2009 3:32 PM
Crabby, you have topped yourself! From Charles Barkley and Kobe to drunken, naked kids to Old Man Roth, I was laughing out loud!
Do you think The Man is kinda like that guy on Real Housewives of Atlanta who was keeping the blonde chick as his mistress?
3 of 14 | Posted by pixielated | Posted on March 10, 2009 6:01 PM
Dishrag looked so out of place and ridiculous and do you know how hard that was in that group? I will never understand how Kayleigha gets 2 parents, pageants, and everything a kid's heart desires and kids like me end up in foster care where their foster mother loviningly refers to them as "extra cash" Something just aint right. I have to admit a laughed a little at the end when they were trying to talk and she kept snoring. And little mop top gained 1/2 cool point with me when she was cheering for her much prettier friend Mikayla
4 of 14 | Posted by Fayellis1 | Posted on March 10, 2009 7:00 PM
Kaleigha is the ugliest kid I have ever seen.
The way grandpa said 'retired' was hillarious, b/c he said Re-tard.
5 of 14 | Posted by fatgirlsrule | Posted on March 10, 2009 8:05 PM
Still...laughing...so...hard. This recap should win super pan deep dish supreme with anchovies!!! Kudos DearCrabby you deserve shiny tiaras and adult sized swirly dresses.
6 of 14 | Posted by Fancypants | Posted on March 10, 2009 9:39 PM
If people really want to know 'What Ever Happened to Baby Jane?' then look no futher because she turned into "Bratty McNasty".
I try not to talk bad about little kids but the term "bitch-ass nasty" is right on the money. I could see that she loves doing the pagents but just because she is little miss sunshine on stage does not mean she gets to act like a demon seed off stage. I don't feel sorry for the parents because they should have to live with the monster they created but like DC says the dad will be gone soon because the child talks (yells) to him like she is HIS verbally abusive mother.
Makayla was beautiful with or without makeup but Kayleigha is not and she needed all that makeup to make her face look doll-like because without it she looks like a mean old lady. She has her dad's Charles Barkley Head and she is not going to be pretty as she gets older.
7 of 14 | Posted by dreamkeeper | Posted on March 11, 2009 3:19 PM
hi
8 of 14 | Posted by LindaLC | Posted on March 12, 2009 7:07 AM
Sorry for the earlier post - I was having trouble getting TVgasm to let me post!
GREAT recap as always, DearCrabby. Are you a Cancer? My friend is and she loves any reference to crabs. Anyhoo... I wanted to smack that Kayleigha upside the head. And that goes double for the parents. I gagged when she won the Grand Pizza Supreme title, or whatever it was.
You (or someone) should be recapping Little Miss Perfect on We. It's basically the same show, but it's even more of a train wreck. The families they find to profile are really pathetic. Check it out!
9 of 14 | Posted by LindaLC | Posted on March 12, 2009 8:02 AM
Great recap! I found this episode painful to watch; or rather the Most Beautiful Kayliegha painful to watch.
And that Cavelli-on-cracktacular outfit! Oh my. Watch out mama, or 14 years from now your little girl may be on Bret Michael's Rock(er) of Love XVII: Keeping it Barely Legal.
(Loved Holly's papa; he minces like a pro!)
10 of 14 | Posted by jennaboa | Posted on March 13, 2009 11:05 AM
Is it me, or does Holly (in the "Okay, here's the facials I'm going to do" pic) look like a little Kelly Ripa...
11 of 14 | Posted by cattyfan | Posted on March 14, 2009 3:18 PM
I just wonder about how accurate the information on TVgasm is. Charles Barkley is not the name of Kayleigha Reynolds father. His name is Twan Reynolds. Get your facts straight.
12 of 14 | Posted by marvin | Posted on May 16, 2009 2:13 PM
Marvin - seriously? How "accurate" our "facts" are? These are recaps designed to poke fun at television. The Charles Barkley comment was A JOKE! If you look at the picture of her dad, he looks like Charles Barkley. The only thing needing straightening out is your funny bone.
13 of 14 | Posted by dearcrabby | Posted on May 17, 2009 3:18 PM
Dear crabby:
This is the first time I've come to tvgasm. It was recommended on another message board devoted to T&T. Your recap was hilarious.
I am just seeing these episodes for the first time. And I laughed so hard when you wrote about the demon-child Kayleigha!
Awesome recap! I look forward to catching up. Watching this show is like watching something monstrous that just won't let you look away!
Thanks,
puffy
14 of 14 | Posted by pufferoo | Posted on August 21, 2009 6:01 PM