There are weird outfits, bathing suits (ick), and one baby who looks like the Gerber Chef. One kid is dressed like Frenchie from Grease and another kid comes out dressed like she was supposed to be dropped off at the Copa in Cuba circa 1954.
Johnny Ola suggested this place, but Old Man Roth
would never come down here with us.
Kayleigha goes out and does some kind of weird dance/scratching thing where I think she may have bedbugs or some kind of icky kid rash. Chicken pox! Now she's shakin' it like she means it! Now she's strutting! Now she whipped something off and shakes her head. Enjoy the pole later in life!
Mange gets everywhere!
"Kayleigha's personality really came through. People love her personality," her mother interviews, as Kayleigha is screaming and pulling her mother away from the cameras. Her mother tells her to wait and Kayleigha says, "Why don't you move it?" Oh my God, what a brat! Kick her! Lauren tries to interview again and Kayleigha goes all apeshit on her, pulls her away, screams, stomps until her mother gives into her and walks away from the camera. Maybe they need a good exorcist?
Jadyn's grandmother says she thinks Jadyn's outfit is going to stand out. Jadyn will be wearing a "pettiskirt" and the grandmother hasn't seen that at any other pageant. We'll see why in a minute.
Holly's grandfather is telling her to think the phrase, "I know I can do it." He's a good grandfather. "My papa makes me feel good cause he says he knows I can do it." This is the kind of thing that will make her a pretty good person when she grows up, having that kind of support from her family, especially a man in the family. This is a really great family no matter how much Paula needs highlights and lip gloss.
The girl with the dishrag personality comes onstage in jeans and a shirt and just spins around like she's drunk. Either get her a coach or let her stay home to watch The Backyardigans because this is just embarrassing. Oh my God, she just stuck her butt out, turned, and stuck it out again. What the hell is going on at her house?
Can someone escort this girl back to the playground
from whence she came?
Okay, I'm not really sure about Holly's outfit. It's sort of Heidi meets waitress meets Good Ship Lollipop meets dominatrix. Well, at least her legs are shaved. She continues to identify with Hannah Montana, which, okay, better than Britney Spears, right? She struts around and honestly doesn't look too comfortable. Her mother is proud of her. "You want to show them what kind of facials you did?" Was that the talent part of show, giving facials?
This is what happens when a fabric store explodes.
Here comes Jadyn and she's the epitome of the "one-too-many-accessories" rule. Her skirt is full and fluffy, her shirt is sequined, her jacket is denim, she's wearing a hat, boots, her ponytail is to the side, and she's wearing too much lavender eye makeup. I think the skirt is too much like the dress portion of the pageant and the whole thing overwhelms her. I'm not saying I don't like the fluff of the skirt, it's just a lot with everything else. Poor grandma and her glue-gun addiction!
I believe she's become her own generator.
Her mother says, "When she was onstage she was supposed to do a side-back-front step and she did a step-step-turn. I knew she made a mistake but no one else probably did." No wonder she doesn't think people at these things are crazy. In comparison to her, they AREN'T! Her grandmother things she will win best dressed and best outfit of choice. Keep dreamin' Bedazzling Betty!
I said NO MORE STEP-STEP-TURN!
Crowning time! In each age group, there will be a princess, queen, and beauties. As we know, the best thing to get is the Supreme Pan Pizza title, which comes with one pound of tiara-shaped cheese. Don't I wish!
"The ideal prize is the Supreme title," pageant director Aimee says. "That means you have the high score." Thanks for clarifying that, I wasn't sure if it was like golf where low score wins or where you get bored so quickly you pack it up after the 9th hole and slam down a couple of gin and tonics.
Jadyn's mother says, "We'd like the Grand Supreme, but we'll accept Supreme, Queen, or Princess." That's awfully white of you, but what if she only wins as a Beauty? Will your throw down the sash and storm out? Fingers crossed it comes to that!
Wow, looks professional. Can you toss me a snot rag?
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Comments (14)
Oh my God. This recap is hilarious. The show is NUTS!! "You win. Which means you lose." I still don't get it!!!! Who knew that pageants could be so complicated? The fake teeth and hair and tans are so scary. We certainly do not have that sort of thing in the Northeast.
1 of 14 | Posted by shmoopy32 | Posted on March 10, 2009 2:35 PM
Don't hit the kid, it's not her fault. I mean, she's just a kid, her parents made her this way. And kids who act like this are actually quite miserable.
The parents should be taken out and be flogged.
I really like your recaps -- they start out all glowy-eyed over all the glitter and pretty dresses...and slowly turn into a tale of disgust and horror...
2 of 14 | Posted by itchy | Posted on March 10, 2009 3:32 PM
Crabby, you have topped yourself! From Charles Barkley and Kobe to drunken, naked kids to Old Man Roth, I was laughing out loud!
Do you think The Man is kinda like that guy on Real Housewives of Atlanta who was keeping the blonde chick as his mistress?
3 of 14 | Posted by pixielated | Posted on March 10, 2009 6:01 PM
Dishrag looked so out of place and ridiculous and do you know how hard that was in that group? I will never understand how Kayleigha gets 2 parents, pageants, and everything a kid's heart desires and kids like me end up in foster care where their foster mother loviningly refers to them as "extra cash" Something just aint right. I have to admit a laughed a little at the end when they were trying to talk and she kept snoring. And little mop top gained 1/2 cool point with me when she was cheering for her much prettier friend Mikayla
4 of 14 | Posted by Fayellis1 | Posted on March 10, 2009 7:00 PM
Kaleigha is the ugliest kid I have ever seen.
The way grandpa said 'retired' was hillarious, b/c he said Re-tard.
5 of 14 | Posted by fatgirlsrule | Posted on March 10, 2009 8:05 PM
Still...laughing...so...hard. This recap should win super pan deep dish supreme with anchovies!!! Kudos DearCrabby you deserve shiny tiaras and adult sized swirly dresses.
6 of 14 | Posted by Fancypants | Posted on March 10, 2009 9:39 PM
If people really want to know 'What Ever Happened to Baby Jane?' then look no futher because she turned into "Bratty McNasty".
I try not to talk bad about little kids but the term "bitch-ass nasty" is right on the money. I could see that she loves doing the pagents but just because she is little miss sunshine on stage does not mean she gets to act like a demon seed off stage. I don't feel sorry for the parents because they should have to live with the monster they created but like DC says the dad will be gone soon because the child talks (yells) to him like she is HIS verbally abusive mother.
Makayla was beautiful with or without makeup but Kayleigha is not and she needed all that makeup to make her face look doll-like because without it she looks like a mean old lady. She has her dad's Charles Barkley Head and she is not going to be pretty as she gets older.
7 of 14 | Posted by dreamkeeper | Posted on March 11, 2009 3:19 PM
hi
8 of 14 | Posted by LindaLC | Posted on March 12, 2009 7:07 AM
Sorry for the earlier post - I was having trouble getting TVgasm to let me post!
GREAT recap as always, DearCrabby. Are you a Cancer? My friend is and she loves any reference to crabs. Anyhoo... I wanted to smack that Kayleigha upside the head. And that goes double for the parents. I gagged when she won the Grand Pizza Supreme title, or whatever it was.
You (or someone) should be recapping Little Miss Perfect on We. It's basically the same show, but it's even more of a train wreck. The families they find to profile are really pathetic. Check it out!
9 of 14 | Posted by LindaLC | Posted on March 12, 2009 8:02 AM
Great recap! I found this episode painful to watch; or rather the Most Beautiful Kayliegha painful to watch.
And that Cavelli-on-cracktacular outfit! Oh my. Watch out mama, or 14 years from now your little girl may be on Bret Michael's Rock(er) of Love XVII: Keeping it Barely Legal.
(Loved Holly's papa; he minces like a pro!)
10 of 14 | Posted by jennaboa | Posted on March 13, 2009 11:05 AM
Is it me, or does Holly (in the "Okay, here's the facials I'm going to do" pic) look like a little Kelly Ripa...
11 of 14 | Posted by cattyfan | Posted on March 14, 2009 3:18 PM
I just wonder about how accurate the information on TVgasm is. Charles Barkley is not the name of Kayleigha Reynolds father. His name is Twan Reynolds. Get your facts straight.
12 of 14 | Posted by marvin | Posted on May 16, 2009 2:13 PM
Marvin - seriously? How "accurate" our "facts" are? These are recaps designed to poke fun at television. The Charles Barkley comment was A JOKE! If you look at the picture of her dad, he looks like Charles Barkley. The only thing needing straightening out is your funny bone.
13 of 14 | Posted by dearcrabby | Posted on May 17, 2009 3:18 PM
Dear crabby:
This is the first time I've come to tvgasm. It was recommended on another message board devoted to T&T. Your recap was hilarious.
I am just seeing these episodes for the first time. And I laughed so hard when you wrote about the demon-child Kayleigha!
Awesome recap! I look forward to catching up. Watching this show is like watching something monstrous that just won't let you look away!
Thanks,
puffy
14 of 14 | Posted by pufferoo | Posted on August 21, 2009 6:01 PM