In the bratty category, Makayla wins Most Beautiful (she's Bratty McNasty Kayleigha's "friend"). Best Outfit of Choice - Kayleigha. Barf. Most Photogenic, Kayleigha! Coming back for Grand Supreme? Both Makayla and Kayleigha. I hope Makayla wins, that would be hilarious. Like most of us, the two girls don't understand the concept of Grand Supreme Deep Dish, and storm over to their parents complaining they didn't win trophies. The parents have to explain how special they are. Man, I hope Kayleigha's scratching really was the pox, as in SMALL.
Bet I know who wins Bitchiest Little Twit, and I only missed it by one letter.
Next, the 6 to 7 year olds...Most Beautiful, Holly! Best Personality, Jadyn (that will haunt you in your twenties, by the way). Best Outfit of Choice, the Barbie Girl! Rut-roh, Grandma is pissed and says they got gypped on that decision because Jadyn looked the best. Only in your eyes, Grandma! Natural Photogenic Winner, Jadyn. Little Miss Princess, Jadyn! Wait, that means no Grand Poobah Supreme for Jadyn. That's a bummer. Must be going to Holly.
It's like a snake ball of ribbons, except for dishrag girl!
"Jadyn didn't do as well as I thought," her mom says, "but I wasn't surprised." Shh! She's right next to you and can probably hear you! "The girls in her age group were very....good." Meaning Jadyn was bad? Jesus mom, say this off-camera or how about never? That would be even better.
The only Supreme you'll be taking home is courtesy of Pizza Hut.
Little Miss Celebrity Queen for that group? Holly! So...that means no Supreme Stuffed Crust for her? Yep - little miss Barbie gets to move on to the Supreme title. So...I guess they went for Super-Glitz over normal kid? Make notes to yourselves for next year, parents, and be sure to budget for silicone.
Holly's mom and the shaver-lady are surprised she didn't "overall" like she normally does, but Grandpa steps in as the voice of reason and says, "She did her best and that's what counts." Your damn right it does! Unless you can suck up more, but that works more in the business world than pageants I'm guessing.
You win! Which means you lose!
It's pageant logic!
The Supreme Super Duper Everything Prize is up next...and the winner is....Kayleigha! Oh you have GOT to be shitting me. That kid is a monster! I wish they had interviews at this level, she would have been kicked out at sign-in. Her parents interview that she is really tired, and that brat begins to snore loudly so they can't finish the interview. "Please stop," her mother says. They start that interview over again, and Kayleigha whines, "I'm sleepy!" This is why God made smothering pillows.
I have to admit, she makes me condone child abuse.
Please can I punch this kid?
Danielle shows off how not crazy she is by complaining about how the other girls were "SOOOO FAKE." At least you're sportsmanlike in your losing win! "This is the first pageant we've been to that it's been this bad." Honey, do you watch this show? This was NOTHING compared to the other episodes. "I noticed a lot of spray tans today, a lot of thousand-dollar, TWO-thousand dollar dresses..." wahhhh! Those grapes taste soooo sour!
Holly says she's going to try harder next time, and Dawn interviews she hopes her 2-year old doesn't channel Satan at the next pageant so she can compete. Kayleigha's mom interviews that they will keep doing pageants until she wants to stop, and methinks her dad is sort of over it. Hope his child support payments cover the entry fees when he finally does take off...IF you can find him. Jadyn, the cutie, ruins everything by saying, "I can't wait to get this freakin' dress off!" Uh...what? What did she just say? That's recapper language, small fry! Her mother cracks up. Yes, that will be hilarious at school too. Luckily at this point my DVR cuts off. Phew.
I wish I had worn a condom.
Looks like we are in repeat mode this week at TLC, so I'll see you in a couple!
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Comments (14)
Oh my God. This recap is hilarious. The show is NUTS!! "You win. Which means you lose." I still don't get it!!!! Who knew that pageants could be so complicated? The fake teeth and hair and tans are so scary. We certainly do not have that sort of thing in the Northeast.
1 of 14 | Posted by shmoopy32 | Posted on March 10, 2009 2:35 PM
Don't hit the kid, it's not her fault. I mean, she's just a kid, her parents made her this way. And kids who act like this are actually quite miserable.
The parents should be taken out and be flogged.
I really like your recaps -- they start out all glowy-eyed over all the glitter and pretty dresses...and slowly turn into a tale of disgust and horror...
2 of 14 | Posted by itchy | Posted on March 10, 2009 3:32 PM
Crabby, you have topped yourself! From Charles Barkley and Kobe to drunken, naked kids to Old Man Roth, I was laughing out loud!
Do you think The Man is kinda like that guy on Real Housewives of Atlanta who was keeping the blonde chick as his mistress?
3 of 14 | Posted by pixielated | Posted on March 10, 2009 6:01 PM
Dishrag looked so out of place and ridiculous and do you know how hard that was in that group? I will never understand how Kayleigha gets 2 parents, pageants, and everything a kid's heart desires and kids like me end up in foster care where their foster mother loviningly refers to them as "extra cash" Something just aint right. I have to admit a laughed a little at the end when they were trying to talk and she kept snoring. And little mop top gained 1/2 cool point with me when she was cheering for her much prettier friend Mikayla
4 of 14 | Posted by Fayellis1 | Posted on March 10, 2009 7:00 PM
Kaleigha is the ugliest kid I have ever seen.
The way grandpa said 'retired' was hillarious, b/c he said Re-tard.
5 of 14 | Posted by fatgirlsrule | Posted on March 10, 2009 8:05 PM
Still...laughing...so...hard. This recap should win super pan deep dish supreme with anchovies!!! Kudos DearCrabby you deserve shiny tiaras and adult sized swirly dresses.
6 of 14 | Posted by Fancypants | Posted on March 10, 2009 9:39 PM
If people really want to know 'What Ever Happened to Baby Jane?' then look no futher because she turned into "Bratty McNasty".
I try not to talk bad about little kids but the term "bitch-ass nasty" is right on the money. I could see that she loves doing the pagents but just because she is little miss sunshine on stage does not mean she gets to act like a demon seed off stage. I don't feel sorry for the parents because they should have to live with the monster they created but like DC says the dad will be gone soon because the child talks (yells) to him like she is HIS verbally abusive mother.
Makayla was beautiful with or without makeup but Kayleigha is not and she needed all that makeup to make her face look doll-like because without it she looks like a mean old lady. She has her dad's Charles Barkley Head and she is not going to be pretty as she gets older.
7 of 14 | Posted by dreamkeeper | Posted on March 11, 2009 3:19 PM
hi
8 of 14 | Posted by LindaLC | Posted on March 12, 2009 7:07 AM
Sorry for the earlier post - I was having trouble getting TVgasm to let me post!
GREAT recap as always, DearCrabby. Are you a Cancer? My friend is and she loves any reference to crabs. Anyhoo... I wanted to smack that Kayleigha upside the head. And that goes double for the parents. I gagged when she won the Grand Pizza Supreme title, or whatever it was.
You (or someone) should be recapping Little Miss Perfect on We. It's basically the same show, but it's even more of a train wreck. The families they find to profile are really pathetic. Check it out!
9 of 14 | Posted by LindaLC | Posted on March 12, 2009 8:02 AM
Great recap! I found this episode painful to watch; or rather the Most Beautiful Kayliegha painful to watch.
And that Cavelli-on-cracktacular outfit! Oh my. Watch out mama, or 14 years from now your little girl may be on Bret Michael's Rock(er) of Love XVII: Keeping it Barely Legal.
(Loved Holly's papa; he minces like a pro!)
10 of 14 | Posted by jennaboa | Posted on March 13, 2009 11:05 AM
Is it me, or does Holly (in the "Okay, here's the facials I'm going to do" pic) look like a little Kelly Ripa...
11 of 14 | Posted by cattyfan | Posted on March 14, 2009 3:18 PM
I just wonder about how accurate the information on TVgasm is. Charles Barkley is not the name of Kayleigha Reynolds father. His name is Twan Reynolds. Get your facts straight.
12 of 14 | Posted by marvin | Posted on May 16, 2009 2:13 PM
Marvin - seriously? How "accurate" our "facts" are? These are recaps designed to poke fun at television. The Charles Barkley comment was A JOKE! If you look at the picture of her dad, he looks like Charles Barkley. The only thing needing straightening out is your funny bone.
13 of 14 | Posted by dearcrabby | Posted on May 17, 2009 3:18 PM
Dear crabby:
This is the first time I've come to tvgasm. It was recommended on another message board devoted to T&T. Your recap was hilarious.
I am just seeing these episodes for the first time. And I laughed so hard when you wrote about the demon-child Kayleigha!
Awesome recap! I look forward to catching up. Watching this show is like watching something monstrous that just won't let you look away!
Thanks,
puffy
14 of 14 | Posted by pufferoo | Posted on August 21, 2009 6:01 PM