Gasmii, I never get tired of Toddlers & Tiaras even though it's sort of the same one each week. It's like two parts cute kids with dimples, one part spoiled brat, and more than a pinch of crazy parent.
Huge and sparkly, just like I like 'em!
This week we're visiting Charleston, West Virginia for the Southern Celebrity Winter Wonderland pageant. Charleston also has one of the coolest state capital buildings I've ever seen with a dome gilded in 14 karat gold leaf. Talk about a cool crown!
People, it's real gold! Leaf!
SUPER YAY! It's a glitz pageant. These are so much more fun than natural pageants because the crazy is ramped up bigtime. Pageant director Maxine says there is so much competition "some girls may walk away unhappy." No way!
Over in Justice, West Virginia, we meet Daylee, 2, and Destiny, 5. Nothing like setting your kids up to be strippers with those names. Seriously, when is the last time you saw "CEO of Boston Consulting Group, Destiny Smith"?
Sisterly love. CATFIGHT!
Daylee has just started doing pageants but she's in full swing as she and her sister get into a fight over what I believe is a huge makeup bag, and Daylee whacks Destiny pretty hard. The dog just looks embarrassed. Destiny has some awesome crowns and by awesome I mean the bigger the better. This one even has colored diamonds and I would totally trade my bike for it, you know, if I had one.
"Destiny has won close to five or six thousand dollars," her mother Stephany says proudly, "and Daylee has won maybe $150." Hmm. Who's your favorite? Although all things considered, you probably spent four times that on the pageants themselves. "You gotta work hard for your money, sister," Stephany tells her girls. Oh, believe me, they will.
They have attended the Winter Wonderland pageant for three years now, but there's no monetary prize, it's all crown, trophy, and bragging rights. Well, I'm still in if there's a crown involved.
Over in Charleston, West Virginia we meet Karmen, age 6, who will be playing this week's spoiled brat in dire need of an ass whooping. Her mother Heather says her sister got Karmen involved with pageants and Karmen loved the stage so much "it just escalated from there." Well, something escalated, that's for damn sure.
How many Derby races has she won? That's a lot of ribbons.
"My mom wants me to win all the pageants in the world," Karmen says. Really, Karmen, or is that a little bit of a hyperbole? She really wants you to win Miss Mongolia? Heather says that Karmen has gained a lot of confidence from these pageants, if that's really what you want to call it. She thinks Karmen could be Miss America, Miss Universe, or an actress. My guess is she probably won't be graduating from M.I.T. and I speak from experience of not having graduated from there either.
Still in Charleston, we meet Peyton, age 6, the only boy we'll be following this week. How do you glitz-pageant a boy? He's choosing a new suit at a place with the tagline "A Nu Look." Oh, dear. This kid is adorable and he says he's won "6 or 20 trophies." Well, which is it kid, that's a pretty big spread. His mother Nicole says he's been doing pageants for the past two years in which time he's competed in 40 different pageants. Holy crap, that's like 2 a month!
His charisma is palpable!
"We've decided as a family that it's time for him to retire," his mother says. Translation: Dad doesn't want Peyton becoming a florist. Instead, he's "going to race four-wheelers with his brothers." Enjoy taking care of him when he becomes a quadriplegic, "family." Pageantry has fewer injuries except maybe the verbal kind. Since this is his final pageant, his mother hopes he wins.
Back in Justice we find none, because Heather is talking about how much money she spends on dresses that she makes herself - close to $800 each. She says if she bought them they'd be $2500 to $3000 each. Again, I'm all about people having hobbies, but I'm wondering if they could glitz out for maybe $400 and put the other $400 into something crazy like a savings account for college or nowadays, under a mattress. One of the dresses she shows us has $600 in rhinestones alone. Gasmii, I'm torn. I love the sparkly stuff, you know I do, but $600? Yeesh.
I don't know, that could keep me mesmerized for hours.
As long as nobody jingles any keys.
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Comments (18)
DearCrabby,
I'm right there with you with all the glitz and shimmer. I once had to stop wearing sparkly nail polish because I became distracted while driving whenever the sunlight hit me. I call it Ruby Red Slipper syndrome.
This show is like taking a tour through a foreign country. It's all strange but the people love it so I can't really judge them.
1 of 18 | Posted by wornsey | Posted on March 22, 2009 7:53 AM
Another great recap, as always! :)
Karmen's "I'm smiling on the inside." line killed me. I just knew it wouldn't get past you!
Also, I totally spotted Destiny on this weeks episode of Little Miss Perfect.
2 of 18 | Posted by LesleyMoon | Posted on March 22, 2009 3:13 PM
Dear Crabby,
Great recap!! I loved the dimples on that little girl. What a cutie and her Mom is a total pageant Mom.
Karmen was hilarious, and yes, she is crazy and so is her Mom.
But the real show stealer this week is Peyton's Mom. The red formal dress with the matching wrap while Peyton was posing was hilarious. Just what on Earth? I realize she didn't have any little girls, but why was she dressed that way?
And while we're at it, how about all the crazy melodramatic poses each time Peyton was up for an award? Good grief, he wasn't winning an Oscar or even a raffle. That woman needs a new hobby and therapy.
Keep up the great work.
AnneM/TVannie
3 of 18 | Posted by AnneM | Posted on March 22, 2009 5:47 PM
Little Peyton is the first one of these kids I've seem that was actually having a blast doing the pageant. Isn't it ironic that he is the one who is quitting, while warped little Karmen and the future strippers will be doing them forever?
I'm sure he will enjoy his four-wheeling just as much. Anything that he can do with his parents will be OK with him.
4 of 18 | Posted by pixielated | Posted on March 22, 2009 5:58 PM
Why was Peyton's mom wearing that red evening gown? Was she headed to the prom or something??
I got a spray tan one time. Had brown shit in my car, on my furniture. the color ran. I had to call in the work that evening b/c i couldnt go anywhere looking like that!! That was my first and last time with spray tanning.
I want to send a present to Shelby, I feel so sorry for her.
5 of 18 | Posted by fatgirlsrule | Posted on March 23, 2009 1:30 AM
Great recap, Crabby!
Did anyone else notice Peyton's brother lurking in the background? He looked sort of like Harry Potter with his glasses and over-sized clothes.
Aw, child neglect. Father must have really been pushing for Peyton to be the football child, 'cause good ole Harry would be broken in two.
Peyton's Mom needed a daughter. Or a better tailor, because, love, that red satin dress? Not a good look. I'm glad you can still fit into your Prom Dress after giving birth to monster child Peyton and Harry Potter, but red satin is a look that Hollywood bitches spend weeks starving themselves and taking colonics to get down to a 00 so they can look like a size 2. It amplifies, you see. A lot.
Seriously, these peoples' idea of best-dressed scares me: Peyton *did* look like Jay Leno (he even had an extra chin!) and Daylee? Bless, that child's dress was accented with the pelt of a Fraggle.
I also noticed in the scene that had the montage of Wow Wear costumes, one girl was dressed in a green-sack Santa outfit and it was see-through under the lights.
6 of 18 | Posted by jennaboa | Posted on March 23, 2009 7:55 AM
Hi everyone - thanks for reading! I will have to say that some of these families really do care about their kids, even when they act a little nutty. I do think Peyton's family really loves him and that they are really proud of him, which is nice to see, and the grandfather from last week was just wonderful. But it's also fun to make fun of the total whack-jobs, too!
Keep the comments coming, we love them!
7 of 18 | Posted by dearcrabby | Posted on March 23, 2009 9:16 AM
This is what I don't understand (among other things) How can you be "most beautiful" or "most handsome" but still lose the Grand Supreme with NY Style Pepporoni and cheese stuffed crust? What does that mean. You supposedly have the highest score in the pageant which to me says you should win all the other categories. I'm confused
Also my dear sweet sweet crabby, how could you not mention your favorite child Kaleigha was there. Did you not see her losing?!? And there again was her prettier friend Mikayla winning "most beautiful" I also believe that I saw Kaleigha raise her hand when they announced "Most Beautiful" because she thought they called her name.
8 of 18 | Posted by Fayellis1 | Posted on March 23, 2009 11:04 AM
Did anyone notice Peyton looked more like his barber than his dad? I thought it was his dad cutting his hair at first. I think his Dad should get some DNA testing done.
I LOVED Karmen's line "I'm smiling on the inside" The way she said it was great. I had to give it a few replays!!!
9 of 18 | Posted by tammy | Posted on March 23, 2009 4:17 PM
Fayellis, I saw Bratty McNasty and Mikayla standing next to Destiny. Mikayla had ribbons but I did not see any on Kaleigha.
As for Grand Supreme it seems to be based on the over all points won and to get Little Supreme or Grand Supreme. So I'm guessing a child could come in 2nd for something like Beauty or outfit of choice but maybe she was 1st in other catagories. It looked like the pagent shown before this one did a grand Supreme for all age groups and a 6 or 7 year old beat out girls that looked 11 or 12 year olds.
I like the fact that Destiny won Grand Supreme even after her mom said she did not do her best and was not expecting Destiny to place well.
10 of 18 | Posted by dreamkeeper | Posted on March 23, 2009 4:19 PM
Bratty McNasty is the ugliest kid ever. I dont know why any judge would vote for her for anything other then "ugliest".
I also thought that Payten looked like the Barber.
11 of 18 | Posted by fatgirlsrule | Posted on March 23, 2009 10:39 PM
Ha! Yes, I did see Kayleigha there, I just didn't have the energy to mention her. She sucked my soul out quite enough at the last competition!
12 of 18 | Posted by dear crabby | Posted on March 24, 2009 8:53 AM
"What makes you think I stress-eat?"
CLASSIC!
love, J-Mo :)
13 of 18 | Posted by J-Mo | Posted on March 24, 2009 12:46 PM
Peyton reminds me so much of Bobby Hill. Remember that episode when Bobby was a "husky" sized model in a fashion show? I think he had an outfit just like Peyton's!
14 of 18 | Posted by qbmom | Posted on March 24, 2009 3:44 PM
OMG DearCrabby best recap ever!! I was laughing out loud so many times coworkers were coming in my office to see what was so funny! I loved the pic and comment of “Apple and tree, people, apple and tree.” Also when my husband and I were watching this show we noticed too the little girl crying and trying to get out of her mothers arms in the background while they were interviewing the one of the moms. Good Job!!! :O)
15 of 18 | Posted by niqui1 | Posted on March 25, 2009 3:53 PM
Dear Crabby,
A+ recap. I think you have earned your crown. It's in the mail.
English teachers may be gnashing their teeth over the mom's comment, "You done good," but we're loving your sharp slices of brat-worst and your attention to grammar. What amazing English teachers you must have had. I laughed out loud at " '. . . have her girls compete natural' (lie)." You managed to correct the poor grammar; you came up with a pun of sorts; and you managed to expose the BS of the mom's comment--in only 3 letters. Also, you targeted that sick trend of turning other parts of speech into verbs: "I didn't Supreme," though I must admit, I kind of like that one.
My favorite caption had to be, "Apple and tree, people, apple and tree." I'll be stealing that one for use in real life.
I'll bet you're mad now that you sold all your Barbies on e-bay. You and the pups could be staging your own shows--though,cute as they are, they don't have nearly enough hair to be contenders.
Criti-cly yours,
Clytemnestra
16 of 18 | Posted by Clytemnestra | Posted on March 29, 2009 2:10 PM
Okay, major PROPS for the correct spelling of "trouper" and BONUS gold stars and elephant stamp for using one of my favourite, yet seldom seen, verbs "assuage".
Verily, thou wearest the crown, DearCrabby!
That recap rocked -- and the screepcaps were just icing. You ROCK!
17 of 18 | Posted by Donna Martin Graduates! | Posted on April 2, 2009 5:48 PM
I personally liked the little blond in the white dress trimed in red, she was the most natural and very beautiful. She was not awarded with anything that I could tell.
18 of 18 | Posted by TooU | Posted on January 20, 2010 1:54 PM