Welcome to the Stars of Pennsylvania Pageant, located in Pittsburgh, for this week's Toddlers & Tiaras. Not only are there enough trophies, ribbons and tiaras to go around for everyone attending, there may be extras from those contestants who couldn't make it due it to Old Man Winter. He's such a bastard!
I don't even have to try anymore.
These recaps write themselves!
The Stars of Pennsylvania pageant if full glitz, and you know what that means - little girls with big-girl heads and faces. Ick! Let's see how far the mom's go this week to "build confidence" and "inspire future matricide."
Over in Wyomissing, a cross between Wyoming and Mississippi (think Baptist cowboys), we meet this week's total automaton, Meadow, age 7. She's "a professional at pageants," much like I'm a professional ice cream eater. There won't be a career link for it on Monster.com, but damn are we good at it, at least locally.
Do you have any toys we can play with?
Sporting a Mindy a la Mork & Mindy, she says, "I think I might of did hundreds of pageants." Okay, you're seven, so I'm going to let the grammar situation pass. Julie, her mother, interviews in what I would call a semi-Long Island accent that her daughter "is a firecracker on stage." She explodes with glitter and glam! Meadow pulls out a trophy that is about 3 feet taller than she is...although, is that a bowler on the top?
Mork is really hairy.
Heading over to Milton, we meet the Ayala family who will have three daughters competing in this episode. They also have 2 sons and a very small house and I wonder how the parents have not gone insane. Their mom, Christina, says, "If we have to, we save for the pageants." Or, you could put the money into school, after school programs, teaching them Mandarin so we can speak the language of the country that will soon take us over...just some thoughts.
For eight-year-old Angela, this is her third pageant. Damn, she's OLD! Most girls have kiddie pools full of ribbons by the age of eight. Also? She's adorable. She has a very strong Phoebe Cates vibe going on. Her mother introduces her into the living room by saying, "And contestant 400...Angela Ayala!" When have we ever seen a kid beauty pageant with more than 100 contestants? Even Miss America doesn't have that many!
These girls are relatively thin and I wonder how their mom is keeping them from being overweight kids, but then I realize it's because mom is eating all of their food! Seriously, what is it with really large moms at these pageants?
I pray that Mommy leaves us some food this time.
Aliana, age 6, is also very cute as is Addison, age 4. Way to space out the kids, lady. I guess that would be pretty cost-effective for the pageant circuit - you can pass down the dresses and still pay your mortgage. Awesome!
That crown has a piece that dangles! I want to add that to every crown!
Christina says the girls are really happy, they have a lot of fun, and they make a lot of friends. She soooo totally doesn't get pageants, does she? She's doing it for good reasons, not the real ones - money and power. This family is too nice.
In New Castle, Delaware, we see a yard full of ducks. Delicious! We meet our Bratty McNasty for the week, whiner Roni. Her mother, Stephanie, calls her daughter her "little princess." Well, there's your problem right there! It's Roni's 3rd birthday and instead of blowing out her candles, she's decided to curl up in a ball on the floor and whine. Damn, it's not like you're paying my taxes this year or something!
Get used to this picture!
Roni has an awesome collection of crowns but wisely hands her mother one of the smaller ones. Her mom says people always told her when she'd be out at the malls what a cute baby she had, so she decided to check into pageants. Lady, people HAVE to tell you your kid is cute. Except me. I will just give your kids the hairy eyeball when they act up at the mall. They are called babysitters, check into them.
Back over at Meadow's house (is her dad Tony Soprano? I bet she wins!), they are planning for the pageant. Meadow's mother explains the Supreme/Grand Supreme/Mini Supreme title set-up in that way that moms always explain in excruciating detail the trials and tribulations of their kids' lives as though you care. I know I don't, that is why I'm as glazed over as a doughnut.
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Comments (12)
Another fab recap!! I got sucked into this trainwreck by reading your recaps!! How come these cute little girls all have fugly moms? I haven't yet seen one mom that had makeup on, hair combed, clothes that match, etc. They know that they have to get up on stage, you'd think they'd dress up just a little. I just don't get it. And the audiences. It seems no one but the parents and maybe a stray grandparent here and there even go to these pagents. Who knew?
1 of 12 | Posted by featherhead | Posted on March 31, 2009 10:10 AM
Dear DearCrabby,
I loved this recap. I laughed outloud through the whole thing. This was one crazy show.
I thought the whole thing about Roni was crazy. She spends the entire time in a ball on the floor screaming. I guess that's how she says "Yes, please take me to another pageant",
And that kid, a 3 year old was wearing a hair piece, false eyelashes and acrylic nails. Between the fake tan and the acrylic nails, can you imagine the chemical cocktail that little girl is exposed to on a regular basis? Did you notice most nail techs wear masks over their mouth and nose now?
And Meadow, although pretty was a lot like my Skipper doll when I was a kid. She was shorter than Barbie so she couldn't drive the dream car and the cool clothes were too big for her. Maybe when this kid grows up she'll get a personality.
Fantastic job on the recap. And by the way, wear does one buy Butt Paste? My suit rides up sometimes, but then again, I'm not a little kid and have a lot more butt.
Love and luck,
TVannie
2 of 12 | Posted by AnneM | Posted on March 31, 2009 10:17 AM
I have never seen this show, but I never miss your recaps. This one was absolutely the best. I laughed out loud through most of it. "Mick Jagger" and "She's not Jaws" were killing me...Excellent job for what seems to be such a creepy show!
3 of 12 | Posted by bluzgirl | Posted on March 31, 2009 11:15 AM
I can't believe how this show has sucked me in I feel the need to say that Meadow may have been a professional but she did not seem to have the personality that the judges look for. She was so precise and doll-like that she seemed like a 'Stepford' child.
Once again the worst acting child back stage (and at home) is the one who knows how to turn it on when it comes to the spot light and seems to really have fun on stage. I will not expect that meanest bratt at the begining of each show to be in the running for the Super Supreme Deep Dish Prize.
4 of 12 | Posted by dreamkeeper | Posted on March 31, 2009 4:18 PM
correction:
I will now expect that meanest bratt at the begining of each show to be in the running for the Super Supreme Deep Dish Prize.
5 of 12 | Posted by dreamkeeper | Posted on March 31, 2009 4:27 PM
Well, I must say that Roni's personality did shine through all the glitz and trappings. Sure it is a stank, manipulative personality, but still... At least she's not a robot.
Maybe these moms were pageant kids, too, and their self-esteem is so shot now that they have eating disorders and don't care what they wear or how they look.
Damien is quite a cutie and very dapper. It seems that many African-American men are not afraid to dress to the nines and look gorgeous. They don't seem to equate it with being less "manly." (African-American athletes, for instance.)
6 of 12 | Posted by pixielated | Posted on March 31, 2009 8:07 PM
DearCrabby - I love your recaps! This one had me laughing out loud almost all the way through. Mick Jagger - that was priceless. I do though have one tiny, itsby bitsy problem with this recap. I felt you were being a bit cruel towards the Ayala mom. There were a lot of fat jokes that felt a bit meanspirited. She seemed like a better mom than some of those on this show. I hope you are not one of those really skinny broads who hates fat people! Anyway - thanks for keeping us laughing about the zany, weird and sick world of toddler beauty pageants.
7 of 12 | Posted by olderandwiser | Posted on April 1, 2009 3:17 PM
OMG! Your post totally cracked me up! These parents are whacked!! I think I would put little Roni in time-out until she was 25. Bratty McBrat Pants!!!! How did she win Grand Supreme?? Really? I think grandma must have paid off the judges. Keep'em coming!!!
8 of 12 | Posted by lfdivatoo@aol.com | Posted on April 10, 2009 9:28 PM
Dear Crabby,
Another triple-V recap.
I laughed out loud at "boneless kid ranch"!
No, you are not wrong about the Phoebe Cates factor. I was wondering when Kevin Kline would appear. Couldn't be any creepier than the show.
Questions: 1) Is Roni losing her hair from all that bleaching? Sure looks like it from the photo. 2) How can Meadow have face parentheses deeper than mine?
Cly
9 of 12 | Posted by Clytemnestra | Posted on April 11, 2009 4:33 PM
I have never seen this show but I never miss these recaps! Dear Crabby, you are the best at breaking me up. Loved the Mork and Mindy reference and the Boneless Kid Ranch comment. Your captions had me laughing out loud...
Thanks!!!!
10 of 12 | Posted by chines | Posted on April 30, 2009 8:56 AM
Wow! you guys are REALLY classy. Bashing little kids. Have none of you EVER met a 2 or 3 yr old? They push the limits, thats what they do! Also, did you ever think that TLC cut and paste to get what they want? 4 DAYS of taping, and you see about 10 minutes of it!
11 of 12 | Posted by proudpageantmom | Posted on June 1, 2009 9:14 AM
Hi Proud Pageant Mom:
My daughter has been in three pageants and hasn't done swimsuit and won't because her father forbids it and so do I. We do natural because the glitz ones give me the creeps. I just don't understand for the life me why small children need to gyrate in front of the judges like mini adults to win a crown! It's repellent and I think that's what people are reacting to. My daughter takes dance classes in ballet and tap and I don't know what dance teacher would even offer classes for the moves I see in glitz pageants! Let children be beautiful, natural girls.
Pageants are a fun thing my daughter likes to do, but she also loves math and science and art. We don't do them for self esteem. She already knows she's loved. I'm hoping for a beautiful, kind, doctor or engineer.
12 of 12 | Posted by Suzette | Posted on October 14, 2009 10:45 PM