Hello Gasmii! If you've been watching, and judging by the comments you have, you know most of our Toddlers & Tiaras have been south and west...Pennsylvania is as close as we've gotten to New England. But not this week, where the insanity of parading your child around like one of those 25-cent ridey-things (horse, boat, airplane) outside of the grocery stores continues. They always look like fun to ride, but the rides never last long enough and sometimes they just take your quarter and leave you hanging.
You know you're in trouble when a
Pink Lady is running the pageant.
This one didn't seem as crazy as some of the other ones, did it? Is the crazy more sophisticated in Brooklyn? Or does it just move faster when there is less of a drawl, so it just seems like we're operating in a higher gear? Whatever it is, there sure were more flashing disco lights in this episode. Score!
The Darling Divas pageant has been around for three years, and this one is being hosted in a theater that holds 320 people, making it one of the biggest we've seen this season. That is going to be one damn long day. Their theme this year is Mardi Gras, and I'm wondering what the themes of the other ones were? Sad Gymnasium? Conference Room-A Party? Living Vicariously Through My Kid Day?
Mardi Gras theme involves costumes, and I'm praying that the kids DO NOT end up with a lot of beads if you know what I mean, and I think you do. Ick. This year's pageant also includes a "Living Doll" competition where you dress up like your favorite living doll. OHMYGOD I call Barbie with the long hair (which should narrow it down). "Its going to be so fabulous!" says the pageant director. Well duh, dressing like Barbie usually is!
What do you expect from a New York Living Doll Competition?
In Brooklyn, we meet six-year-old Essence or "Essie" as her mother calls her (and I love their nail polish). She's adorable. She says her favorite part of pageants is when she gets to model her favorite clothes. Essie, that doesn't change as you get older. Janine, Essie's mother, says her daughter "shines when she's onstage." Some dusting powder will fix that.
No fuss, no muss...just like kids should be!
Essie is practicing with her mother who gives us the typical spiel of how Essie is more self-confident, blah, blah, blah, then she throws "more calmed down, more focused," into the mix. Well that's new! And improved! She should mention that to Maverick's mother! And maybe hand her a bottle of Ritalin.
In Montville, New Jersey, the Garden State/Most Made Fun of State, we meet four-year-old Paige who is oh-my-gosh adorable. She and her brothers are playing pageant (what?) and she's just won the pageant! She looks a little stunned, mostly because I think they are in her living room, and she's probably used to a better stage.
Hee hee hee...it's like Polly Pocket has come to life!
"My name is Paige. I am a princess. I like love big crowns," she says. What more is there to say? I completely understand this child. Stacie, her mother, says her daughter Paige "knows how to stand out in the crowd." And when she doesn't, mom does, as she shows up at their faux pageant dressed like Robin Hood. (Watch, she has an unusual attachment to this pair of lace-up boots).
She's robbing them of the crowns to give them to the poor!
Paige enters about one pageant a month and usually wins the mini-supreme (for a late-night snack) and grand supreme (for Friday night dinners when you just don't want to cook). The camera pans over a menagerie of trophies that look just like Superman's house, just more colorful and less butt-chilling.
Jor-El is going to love what you've done with the place!
In Brentwood, New York, we meet six-year-old Kiannah who has total and complete wild-woman hair. It is insanely curly and fits her perfectly and she has an awesome smile. This is her first pageant so she and her mom aren't drinking the Kool-Aid yet, but she does have an Aunt who is not just drinking the Kool-Aid, I'm pretty sure she's mainlining it.
Your hair is insane and I love it!
Bottle it and sell it and retire young!
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Comments (8)
"...but she does have an Aunt who is not just drinking the Kool-Aid, I'm pretty sure she's *mainlining it.*"
bwahahahaha!
1 of 8 | Posted by Donna Martin Graduates! | Posted on April 21, 2009 11:19 AM
ROFLMAO "Two crowns at ONCE, I never even considered that!!"
Awesome recap of an awesome episode. I love to hate the parents on this show and I'm often surprised by how well-adjusted and eloquent the kids actually are, considering the pageant parents mentality and apple to tree math...
LOVED the Mardi Gras flavor of this epi, but wondering what exactly about a category called "living doll" would inspire a Tina Turner costume.
Whatever, bring on the costumes! I heart them and I heart you too, Dear Crabby =)
2 of 8 | Posted by Nemesiis | Posted on April 21, 2009 2:40 PM
That first picture of Stacie makes her look like the Jolly Green Giant, between the outfit (and boots) and how she towers over the kids.
OK, why is Gangsta Bitch Barbie wearing the Japanese flag as a shirt?
Essence is a very pretty, self-possessed little girl. Poor little Paige. Adorable but clueless. They should bribe her with bigger gifts to get her to perform on stage. Maybe if Mom waved a toy instead of a smiley face?
3 of 8 | Posted by pixielated | Posted on April 21, 2009 8:30 PM
Also, did that creepy smiley face remind anybody else of a Prozac commercial??
4 of 8 | Posted by Nemesiis | Posted on April 22, 2009 11:49 AM
Funny recap DC.
Sorry but that just freaked me out when paige's dad snap-crackle-popped her neck while she was mixing around on the table (like any 4 year old would).
Paige is so adorable and so cute it makes up for the lack of personality on stage. Besides she does still think she's a real princess. Maybe by 5 or 6 when the real world kicks in she will be one of those pros who turn it on when on stage. Hopefully she will be more like the little girl that won last week (without the crying and trama) and not like one of those other big winners we've seen who were stars on stage and brats anytime when off stage.
I was very impressed by Kiannah when came out on stage and danced well after all the mix-up. I thought she was going to freeze.
5 of 8 | Posted by dreamkeeper | Posted on April 23, 2009 3:16 PM
DearCrabby, I love all the Pizza Slut references, they make me hungry, and lime chips are DIVINE.
Also, this was a funny-ass recap!
love to you!
love, J-Mo :)
6 of 8 | Posted by J-Mo | Posted on April 24, 2009 11:32 AM
I also thought the Brooklyn pageant was a little less crazy than the others. Maybe that's because I'm from NYC.
I liked Essence, and I also like her mom, who seemed to have both feet planted in reality. That's pretty rare. And Essence was adorable.
Paige's mom really needs to find a job, or at least another hobby aside from showing her daughter like a prize heifer at a state fair.
Thanks for the recap! It was funny.
7 of 8 | Posted by pufferoo | Posted on August 23, 2009 9:54 AM
Even though this is months later I just HAD to post. I've been reading the recaps, even though I never watched the show, during my lunch breaks.
Well, I grew up in Montville, NJ. And let me tell you it doesn't surprise me one bit that a mother there puts her kid in a pageant. Most of the mom's in that town are trophy wives anyway lol.
8 of 8 | Posted by pixi-stix | Posted on September 1, 2009 10:03 AM