Hello Gasmii, Dear Crabby here! You may know me from such recaps as Ugly Betty: Ruined by ABC Execs and A Carol Christmas: Ghosts of Tori Spelling's Boobs Past. However, in this economy, it pays to hedge your bets and recap more than one show in case Flipit has to make any layoffs. It's just job security, people.
If you are not creeped out by this, seek help.
Ah, kids, is there anything more fascinating, frightening, and furious conversation-inducing than beauty pageants for kids? Some say it increases a child's confidence, helps build skills, and brings families closer together. Others say it reduces kids to circus animals, promotes eating disorders, and started the grunge movement as a backlash for being so clean. I think it is just a freakshow perpetrated by women who never got over having to give up Barbies. But that's just me, and I'm staying impartial.
This is how you work it!
This episode opens where every beauty pageant begins life, in Texas, a state with the most plastic surgeons per capita this side of Brazil. Or it just seems that way. The Universal Royalty Pageant is held in Austin, Texas, a city whose theme is "Keeping it Weird." I love they way they're all non-conformist...together. Duh. We will be following three families/future therapy patients as they prepare for and compete in the pageant. Let the psychotic behavior begin! (slight apologies for the pics, sometimes we have to troll for video).
Annette Hill is the Pageant Director for Universal Royalty Pageant and was once a child competitor herself. She interviews that Universal Royalty involves mothers and daughters competing with each other to win the competition, because nothin' says lovin' like kicking your own child's ass in a beauty contest. Saying "I'm prettier" to your pamper-packing tot must be a real high.
Talentless hack.
Over in Temple, Texas, we meet Rebecca Alley, 6, as she sloppily flits (dances?) around her living room. The weird thing is this living room has no pictures or accessories, just furniture. I'm guessing your dad took them when he left your mother because of this nonsense? Wonder if his child support covers your pageant habit? Rebecca likes pageants because she "likes getting crowned." Like in checkers? Because that can lead to chess, something that involves your mind. Although I bet those kids are probably just freaks on the other end of the spectrum.
Seriously, you could even use Just for Men!
Stacey, her mother, is all excited about competing in the pageant, so much so her hair has gone white from the thrill. Stacey, you can actually pick up hair color at the supermarket, look into it. It will take 10 years off. We see her putting a pageant sash on Rebecca, saying, "This is where you became the 'unkept secret,' " she tells her daughter. Wow, Rebecca's going to be an easy woman to please when she grows up, won't she? Buyers beware!
Stacey says she put Rebecca in pageants beginning about 3 years ago, and that someone she knew actually said, "Stacey used to show dogs, now she shows her kids." Stacy retorted, "No, I don't show my kids, they show themselves." Oh, burn, except not really, Stacey. Also, Rebecca appears to be an only child, so I'm not sure what other kids she shows. Maybe she hides the others in the attic?
More ribbons than Secretariat!
Over in Garland, Texas, Meaghan Jones, 9, looks like an adorable version of Rudy Huxtable. This kid is cute and I don't like kids, so that should tell you something. "I'm the reigning Texas State Ultimate Grand Supreme." I'm a Denny's Grand Slam Eater, does that count? Her mother, Phyllis, is a total and complete psycho bitch who announces her daughter into the living room so the poor girl can shimmy like a pole dancer. Sweet. Phyllis is "in it to win it." Yeah, the scholarship money, I'm so sure.
If you don't win, I will rip out your eardrums.
Then we'll see how well you listen.
Meaghan has been in pageants since she was 8 months old. Eight months, people! She looks through her portfolio and she seriously looks like a Yahoo Messenger avatar or Hawaiian Barbie before it was cool to have black Barbies. She's much cuter in person and without all the goopy makeup and hair because she looks like a kid and not bride of Tattoo from Fantasy Island.
Just as lifelike as Meaghan's pictures.
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Comments (9)
My friends and I happened to stumble across this jem of a show after drinking a few sake bombs...hilarity ensued.
Your recap made that much more enjoyable and I found myself laughing out loud multiple times. Especially enjoyed your business plan chart.
And FYI, just 'cause you have children does not mean the entire free world knows your gay the second you open your mouth in one of your many pink shirts.
1 of 9 | Posted by MissDelight | Posted on February 2, 2009 4:53 PM
Dear DearCrabby,
I watched this show in horror as I do all train wrecks.
I loved it when you caught the pageant director in her unusual stance on what being fake really means to her.
Somehow she rationalizes false eyelashes on a 3 year old, but a spray tan is too false. That's an interesting perception.
Just wait until one of the three-year olds starts stuffing her swimsuit to give herself cleavage!! Now that's a show I won't miss.
Your recap was great.
TVannie
2 of 9 | Posted by AnneM | Posted on February 2, 2009 6:35 PM
I loved the recap! Didn't watch the show tho. These shows always give me the creeps tho it does sound like David would have been a riot.
Yeah...I don't mean to be "that" guy/gal but the Jonbennet referrence...yeah...not cool.
Sux that they just happened to announce that they re-opened the murder case today. Yikes.
Okay. Other that...funny as shit!
3 of 9 | Posted by uglycutie | Posted on February 2, 2009 9:10 PM
@ uglycutie:
I loved the recap! Didn't watch the show tho.
DITTO!
I am not one to avert my eyes at trainwrecks (and am an avid fan of both Rock of Love AND Desperate Hosewives), but I honestly don't think I could bear to watch this show.
DC your hilarious recaps provide the requisite distance.
As we all know, "Comedy is [something or other] plus time".
ooops -- I just looked it up. It's tragedy plus time equals comedy. Oh well, that still fits!
4 of 9 | Posted by Donna Martin Graduates! | Posted on February 2, 2009 10:41 PM
hey - what channel is this trainwreck on, anyway?
I just hope I can catch the highlights on The Soup.
5 of 9 | Posted by Donna Martin Graduates! | Posted on February 2, 2009 10:49 PM
It's on TLC at 10pm EST. I think it's on late so the kids won't be exposed to it! :)
Thanks for the comments everyone!
6 of 9 | Posted by dearcrabby | Posted on February 3, 2009 12:32 PM
I have not seen this wacked out show yet, but I hope to see it soon!
7 of 9 | Posted by fatgirlsrule | Posted on February 4, 2009 12:07 AM
BWUahahahahahahahaa!
You actually sat through this whole thing, DC? I bow to you.... *bow* *bow*
And yeah, David brings new meaning to the word 'denial.'
Ai yi yi.. :)
8 of 9 | Posted by teri00 | Posted on February 4, 2009 8:53 AM
Great recap, Miss V. I enjoyed this as much as the Ugly Betty recaps.
Mothers AND daughters compete?? Wonder what the rationale of that could be? I guess it could promote Freud's theory that all daughters want to kill their mothers, eh? After reading your recap, I plan to make time in my busy schedule to watch this trainwreck of a show. As you often say, TV is a demanding mistress!
9 of 9 | Posted by Clytemnestra | Posted on February 5, 2009 3:48 PM