Greetings Gasmii, how I have missed thee. Burning Man was an amazingly good time, full of dust and art and fire and fun that resulted in me coming back a few braincells shorter than I left. Hopefully it doesn't affect my acerbic wit. I know you've all been waiting with bated breath to rip these idiot tools apart, so without any further ado, I bring you the season premiere of Tool Academy 2.
So this year instead of Mr. Awesome or whatever the pretend contest was last year, they've told our tools that they're competing for the title of Ultimate Party King. Note to everyone in the world: If anyone asks you to be on a reality show you've never heard of, it's probably a trap. There's never, in the history of reality television that I'm aware of, been a contest to see what guy is the most awesome. Also, there are not that many documentaries about addiction. Your family is about to have on intervention on your ass. Make sure you read that contract really really well before you start letting people with cameras follow your ass around.
Anyway, back to the douche-nozzles. So our rag-tag bunch of twelve colorful tools think that they're Ultimate Party King title will also come with a sponsorship deal where they'll promote this lovely energy drink.
So they tools get off the bus in Vegas and basically jump around like idiots while promoting how incredibly awesome they are. I'm pretty sure that this whole scene would be way better if I switched out the audio with some Discovery Channel monkey fight shit, but I'm too lazy to find out for sure. J Daddy, who I refuse to refer to by his ridiculous moniker ever again says, "It's literally like my mother spewed out gold out of her vagina." Okay toolbag, first of all, we officially start keeping score on douchebag quotient right now, and your misuse of the word 'literally' has earned you one point (I'll be scoring the stupid things these boys do for 90 minutes tonight, so we have to keep the values low). Second, don't ever Ever mention your own mother's vagina. That's not even adding douche points. That's just fucking creepy.
We get introduced to our fake host for the season, lest the boys recognize the real host before they've had a chance to embarrass themselves sufficiently on national television. The tools are told that they have to do a sexy photo shoot with a bunch of hot models, and then strut their stuff on the runway for a bunch of hot Vegas skanks who will determine the ultimate winner.
Oh, but there's a wicked twist. Vh1 is sneaking their girlfriends in to watch the entire competition through a two-way mirror. Vh1 is very edgy. I don't care what those popular kids over at MTV say...
Alpha John opens his mouth to spew some crap about liking money, because you know how liking money is such a rare and interesting attribute, but I can't even focus on the few small words he's saying because his voice is freaking me the fuck out! He literally (notice I use that word to imply something is literal. Please take notes tools) sounds like that guy who is in witness protection but being interviewed on 20/20 and they put that voice changing device on everything he says so the mob can't recognize him and make him go sleep with the fishies. It's so weird.
Josh, our Kate Gosselin look-a-like has a girlfriend named Jamie who does his hair for him. Really, Jamie? That's your fault? If I were keeping score on the ladies you would have just earned some major D.Q. points. Jamie looks a lot like Tiffany Amber Thiessen's less attractive little sister, and she seems like kind of a bitch. These two are actually pretty perfect for each other. Just please refrain from procreating please. Oh, and Josh gets a point each for the nautical stars on his shoulders. Way to think outside the box on your tattoos there, asshat.
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Comments (14)
Well, let's put it this way. Girls who let douchebags like this fuck them probably deserve them.
VH1 has decided to protect the rest of the world from their Programming of Mass Destruction (TM), which means that I can't watch this stupid show. And none of the internet angels who normally help us ex-pats out seem interested in getting the show out there either.
So I guess I'll just have to live vicariously through your recaps, Mik. Could be worse. I could actually watch the show. Literally.
Just one request: more photos. Hard to get a true idea of how stupid these people are without them.
1 of 14 | Posted by itchy | Posted on September 9, 2009 3:51 PM
My favorite part of this episode was the end after the elimination and the host guy goes running outside and tells that guy to get the F out. Who knew he had it in him?! And then even better was when they were in the limo driving off he was pretty much forcing her to say she loved him. Damn, needy much??
2 of 14 | Posted by HandyManda | Posted on September 9, 2009 3:54 PM
My favorite part was the end in the limo too! And my name is Amanda too....obviously there is a correlation.
And I agree, man pieces are nasty looking.
3 of 14 | Posted by aman | Posted on September 9, 2009 4:17 PM
Under most circumstances (i.e., when not having or about to have sex), I don't want to be looking at those parts of the male anatomy. One of my ex-boyfriends used to walk around the house naked ALL THE TIME. His body was not good and seeing that, plus his junk flopping and bouncing around, was a big turn-off to me.
Kinda reminds me of a Seinfeld episode.
4 of 14 | Posted by pixielated | Posted on September 10, 2009 12:39 AM
Itchy: There will be many more photos in the recap I'm working on today. My internet was being terrible when I did this one. That's actually why the ending is so short, even though there was a whole big temper tantrum to write about. I kept having to save and restart Firefox and the last time it happened I just said fuck it and finished out ASAP.
Handy and Aman: Wasn't Amanda also the name of Stew's girlfriend and the girl he cheated on her with this week? I'm way too lazy to read back through and check. Plus I'm at work, so I think I'm supposed to be like... Working or something.
Pixie: Thank you. Now if one of our gay boys could please explain to me what the gay male obsession with the cock is I would really appreciate it. I get how if you're a bottom the size of your partner's equipment would matter, but I've met some really hardcore tops who never EVER do the bottom thing but are still total size queens. What the hell difference does it make at that point?
5 of 14 | Posted by themiki | Posted on September 10, 2009 6:09 AM
I'm so glad you're recapping this!
That whole limo ride at the end with him telling his girl to say she loves him was beyond gross. And the fact that she left with him was even worse.
Can't wait for the next recap!
SWAK, PottyMouth
6 of 14 | Posted by PottyMouth | Posted on September 10, 2009 8:36 AM
>>
Hmm, maybe it's a status thing, like driving a fast car?
7 of 14 | Posted by itchy | Posted on September 10, 2009 8:41 AM
The best (worst) part was when the eliminated tool told his girlfriend: "You're making me SO bad right now." You'd think that she would have pointed out that he was making himself look bad. I still can't believe she left with him.
More than that, I can't believe I'm watching this show!
8 of 14 | Posted by yeknom | Posted on September 10, 2009 9:17 AM
Miki: from my gay perspective, just because someone is a total top doesn't mean they don't provide oral sex.
It's kind of a boring to give head to a guy who isn't "packing." "Packing,"however, can mean different things to different gay men; personally, if it's not long, but fairly thick, that's satisfactory, but some may prefer a longer cock and not so thick.
All gay men give head; so to give head to a smaller penis is seen as a waste of time, unless you're just orally inclined and a bit slutty.
9 of 14 | Posted by slutty_whore | Posted on September 10, 2009 9:59 AM
Slutty- Wow, I had no idea. Granted I've never put a penis in my mouth, but it would never have occurred to me that the size of your partner would matter when giving head. How weird. Straight girls: is that the same for you? It's getting so educational in here...
10 of 14 | Posted by Themiki | Posted on September 10, 2009 12:49 PM
Hmmmm. I've never really put much thought into it, but giving head to a teeny weenie is a boring enterprise. But the good news is you never have to worry abuot them triggering your gag reflex.
On the other hand, sucking ginormo cock has it's own set of challenges. But well worth the effort. Ahhhh, memories. ;)
11 of 14 | Posted by PottyMouth | Posted on September 10, 2009 1:08 PM
I teach an intro to sociology class and think your anti-tool rant qualifies as a good discussion piece! :)
Great recap, thanks, looking forward to the next one
12 of 14 | Posted by chelle | Posted on September 10, 2009 1:09 PM
OK, just because I have nothing to do and I'm bored, I added up the points. Here's what I came up with:
Andre--100
Charm--153
Dan (Domestic Battery)--50
Frank (Guyliner)--47
Alpha John--86
Jon S (Beta?)--173
Josh--190 (already gone)
Justin (J-Daddy aka Joisey?)--120
Mike--100
Stew--127
Terry (T-Shawn aka Fauxhawk?)--42
Tyler (1992: The Guy)--140
I'm assuming that Jon S is Beta John, Justin is J-Daddy (aka, Joisey), and Terry is T-Shawn (aka, Faux Hawk).
What is the objective of the pool? To pick the douchiest or the winner? I'm assuming the winner is the guy who succeeds in un-tooling himself. Your point system is working pretty well so far, Miki, since hi-point Josh was the first to go. It looks like Jon S will be next.
As for the continuing discussion of guy junk: I am not easily impressed by size because I used to have horses. No man can measure up to that. I don't care if a guy is at least average, as long as he is rock hard.
13 of 14 | Posted by pixielated | Posted on September 10, 2009 4:51 PM
mmm penis. unattractive, but oh so fun to play with!
14 of 14 | Posted by aman | Posted on September 11, 2009 4:41 AM