Last week on Tool Academy... I stayed up late to watch a repeat of Real Chance At Love Two because Vh1 decided they needed a sabbatical after two friggin episodes. The week before that we saw Beta Jon go home after proving that he wasn't willing to put any effort whatsoever into his relationship, and then he dumped his girlfriend so as to avoid being dumped on national television. It would have been a good move to save some of his masculinity if he hadn't spent five minutes crying like a little bitch with a skinned knee right afterward. So let's make the jump, shall we, and discover which tools are humble enough to get through Humility Week.
So I'd like to start out by apologizing for this here recap coming six days after the episode aired. It's almost time for midterms, and I've been being all lame and responsible and making sure all my school work was done before I started writing about Tools. I need to track down some sort of Creative Writing Through Snarky Recaps class so I can get credits for doing this, but in the meantime I am all caught up (and actually a little ahead) on all that boring college stuff so I shouldn't be horrifically late again until finals week.
Onto the show! It's a new day in Tool Academy, and Alpha John has decided to wake his toolmates up by shaking the shit out of their beds.
Domestic Dan informs us that he is terrified of Alpha John. Umm... Yeah... Alpha John is fucking scary dude. And you're not. I'm actually pretty sure that I could beat the crap out of Domestic Dan, so maybe it's a good idea for him to just avoid confrontation with anyone over a hundred pounds.
Mikey starts his day off right by burning all the hair off his chest with noxious chemicals.
I tried using Nair on my underarms once in middle school, and it burned off so much of my skin that I had to walk around with my arms up in the air for two days straight. Maybe they've reformulated their product since then, or maybe these tools just have way tougher skin than I do, but If I loaded that much Nair onto myself they would have to remake my belly with skin from my butt.
Mikey tells us that he's Persian and looks amazing naked so long as he takes care of his "Persian rug." Gross dude. Just gross. Andre gets in on the Nairing action too, and if there's a less manly activity than removing unsightly body hair together I would like to know what it is. Maybe afterward they could have a tea party and discuss the inner turmoils of the characters in The Joy Luck Club.
Announcer guy breaks up the gay estrogen fest by announcing that it's time for therapy. This week's theme is modesty. English Therapist Lady tells our tools that their extreme vanity is there to mask some deep insecurities. This theory would explain why every stripper I've ever dated has spent thousands of dollars on boobs and lipo, and yet won't shut up about how fat/ugly/hideous she is. Note to everyone out there: If you don't want to spend the rest of your life reassuring someone that they're pretty, don't go after girls in three hundred dollar jeans.
ETL reveals a mirror and tells our tools that they'll be facing themselves and telling their reflections all the things that make them insecure.
Stew is up first, and he begins his therapy by straightening up some of his non-existent hair.
Stew cries. A lot. He talks about being a doofy looking kid with a bowl cut, which was probably a way better look than the hair he's got going on now. He also sneaks in there the fact that he hasn't had a job since he met his girlfriend. Wow. Dude is a total winner. I can see why questionable piercings girl wouldn't want to let him get away.
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Comments (7)
Awesome recaps! Loves it! I totally feel for you with the school crap. I'm in my fifth year of undergrad and I have four more for dental school. It's hard to balance, but you do a great job of getting the funny out with the recaps!
I loved when they were looking in the mirror and the red head kid was crying that he was so lucky to have such red hair because anyone would 'kill' for hair that color. WRONG! I died laughing at him.
1 of 7 | Posted by aman | Posted on September 27, 2009 8:17 AM
alright.. so i went into watching this crap in order to laugh at stupid men and stupidER women.. but....... i think i may be in love with andre :X
help... they better show some dirt on him soon or kick him off lol i cant take this.. it goes against everything right in this world..
2 of 7 | Posted by angelbayyb | Posted on September 27, 2009 7:54 PM
Hey, if you're gonna have a crush on a tool, I would say that's the least horrible one to have a crush on. I think he's sweet, actually.
3 of 7 | Posted by themiki | Posted on September 28, 2009 5:59 AM
The only reason I'm not routing for Charm to get is ass kicked is that the guy beating his ass would be the one to get sent home and we'd be stuck with him for another week. Maybe the guys could pay the camera crew to turn off their cameras for five minutes??
Andre's my favorite. I'm hoping he can stcik around and win the 100k.
Thanks for another hilarious recap!
SWAK, PottyMouth
4 of 7 | Posted by PottyMouth | Posted on September 28, 2009 7:31 AM
You totally skipped the best part of the episode, Alpha John's confession to his gf where he's like "you're a horrible person and YOU RUINED MY LIFE." And the whole time she's sitting there like she's completely used to this. Loves it.
Hate to say it, but Joisey's gf was kinda a tool. Isn't she the one who like physically assaulterd him after watching his video? And she is always super bitchy. I actually felt sorry for him.
Yea Andre won my heart when he admitted to those women that he did have a gf and how great it was to have someone to go home to.
5 of 7 | Posted by cansnuts | Posted on September 28, 2009 9:16 AM
I hate to say it, but some of these gf's are the ones who need to be in the house...like Andre's girl. I don't really like Big John's gf either.
6 of 7 | Posted by HandyManda | Posted on September 28, 2009 10:38 AM
MOST of these girls either need Tool Academy or Vh1 needs to make a show called I Like Being a Victim Academy. The only girlfriend I didn't wanna punch was Beta John's girl, and she was gone after two episodes. Andre's girl isn't all that bad, I think she just looks terrible because her boyfriend really doesn't deserve to be there and she hasn't figured that out yet. Shannon annoys the crap out of me, and Stew's girl is terrible. I don't think fauxhawk's girl is all that bad. She cries way too easily, but then, so does he so they should work out okay.
7 of 7 | Posted by themiki | Posted on September 29, 2009 6:10 AM