June 23, 2009

Top Chef Masters: Return Of The Amused Douche

Welcome to Round Two, my little culinary cohorts! At the risk of revealing something personal, I'm going to go out on a limb and admit that I'm not a fan of leftovers... something that my BF is constantly reminding me of in his patented Long-Suffering-Voice™. In fact, for the first 5 years we were together I was convinced that I had suddenly gained a magical refrigerator in which dreaded leftovers could be placed in tiny clear containers that would eventually just disappear and I wouldn't have to deal with them anymore. It made ice, too, so I was in heaven. Eventually my BF clued me in that he was, in fact, the "Icky Leftover Fairy" and was about to go on strike unless I started helping him eat some of them. He insisted that sometimes food even takes on different and uniquely better flavors a day or two after it's cooked. Pleasantly, I discovered he was right in some cases... however, in others I learned...

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...nope, it still tastes like two scoops of douchey with a generous dollop of wackjob...

And on tonight's episode of the uniquely fabulous Top Chef Masters, we are treated to the return of The Poopy-Cheeto-Erection Challenge (I feel so psychic!) and three of the "stars" of Top Chef Season Two... none other than Moonfaced Moron Michael, Batshit Betty and the "winner" Illyawn (who still doesn't have a decent personality and is still a giant fucknut boogerface). Get ready to watch these three exact some sort of ill-conceived revenge fantasies after the jump.

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June 15, 2009

Top Chef Masters: The Egos Have Landed

Well, hello again foodie fans! My name is J-Mo and the last time we were together it was in the barren, frightening, and almost entirely calorie-free zone known as America's Next Top Model (a.k.a. TyraWorld™) so I'm sure you can imagine my excitement when Flipit gave me the green light to work on a series that is totally about the sensual joys of sex food! Plus, it feels so good to get the hell out of that tacky-ass CW neighborhood for awhile and back into the Bravo gayborhood where a fat fairy like me really belongs... although I'm kind of concerned, because it appears that the downward spiral of the economy has hit this show really hard...

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...Welcome to the Not-Even-GE-Monogram Kitchen!...

Nevertheless, I'm totally aglow (and aglitter!) with excitement to bring you the highly-touted Top Chef Masters, which is kind of the older, more talented (and far uglier) sister of our beloved Top Chef. You'll understand exactly what I mean by that after the jump...

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March 4, 2009

Top Chef Reunion: Eet Ees Whud Eet Eez

Welcome to the reunion!! The show's over, but there's plenty of drama to be talked out. Hoser and Possible Stalker Leah made out, Possible Stalker Leah and Hoser made out, and two fugfugs totally made out. Excited? Me too.

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Andy Cohen: Bobblehead

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February 27, 2009

Top Chef: Top Scaylope

Tonight on Top Chef, Ilan wins. And food loses.

Ilan Top Chef

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February 20, 2009

Top Chef: Euro Slash

This week on Top Chef, a midget tried to bang a big girl and we found out that Fabio's way gayer than we could have ever imagined.

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February 13, 2009

Top Chef: Community Calling

This week on Top Chef, an old lady wets herself, Hosea reinvents butter, and that weird kid from Jerry Maguire grows up and names a restaurant after a can of oil.

Jonathan Lipnicki
Did you know that the sky is blue cuz it reflects the sea?

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February 6, 2009

Top Chef: Shell Game

This week on Top Chef, Ripert is back and he's hornier than ever.

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Beaten cross eyed.

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February 1, 2009

Top Chef: Monkey Assa Suff Weet Fry Banana Bowl

On this week's very special Top Chef Super Bowl challenge, we get to give Beaker a dental checkup and Juanita finally gets some screen time.

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Thanks for flossing.

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January 23, 2009

Top Chef: Monkey Ass Een A Clowna Shale

This week on Top Chef, it's Restaurant Wars, babay!

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Ahhhhhhh!

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January 18, 2009

Top Chef: Respect the Earth. Eat Chemicals

This week on Top Chef, Jersey gets its color back.

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Snapped.

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June 23, 2009:Top Chef Masters: Return Of The Amused Douche
June 15, 2009:Top Chef Masters: The Egos Have Landed
March 4, 2009:Top Chef Reunion: Eet Ees Whud Eet Eez
February 27, 2009:Top Chef: Top Scaylope
February 20, 2009:Top Chef: Euro Slash
February 13, 2009:Top Chef: Community Calling
February 6, 2009:Top Chef: Shell Game
February 1, 2009:Top Chef: Monkey Assa Suff Weet Fry Banana Bowl
January 23, 2009:Top Chef: Monkey Ass Een A Clowna Shale
January 18, 2009:Top Chef: Respect the Earth. Eat Chemicals
January 11, 2009:Top Chef: Just Be Yourself, as Long as You're Not Lame
December 19, 2008:Top Chef: Merry Christmas, Sharon Stone
December 12, 2008:Top Chef: Gail Gets Some
December 5, 2008:Top Chef: Post Turkey Turkey
December 1, 2008:Top Chef: Bad News Honey Bear
November 24, 2008:Top Chef: The Rising Rate of Sugar Violence
November 16, 2008:Top Chef: Share Your Passion Over There, Please
June 19, 2008:Top Chef: 57 Minutes of Crap & Fan Favorite
June 12, 2008:Top Chef: As Long As It Isn't You-Know-Who
June 6, 2008:Top Chef: Antonia Got Porked
May 29, 2008:Top Chef: Maybe We Should Have Named Her Cockroach
May 23, 2008:Top Chef: When The Cat's Away, The Mice Shall Play
May 20, 2008:Top Chef: Going Against the Grain
May 8, 2008:Top Chef: Next Time, Just Elope
May 2, 2008:Top Chef: What the Hell Just Happened?!
April 28, 2008:Top Chef: A Not-So Sensual Seduction
April 20, 2008:Top Chef: Break Out the Booze
April 14, 2008:Top Chef: The Soup Nazi
April 5, 2008:Top Chef: Box Office Flop
March 29, 2008:Top Chef: There Goes the Neighborhood
March 21, 2008:Top Chef: Sideburns Enthusiasts Unite!
March 14, 2008:Top Chef: All Work and No Play Gets Your Ass Sent Home
October 14, 2007:Top Chef: Watch What Doesn't Happen AGAIN
October 7, 2007:Top Chef: Dammit! I Wish My French Grandmother Escaped From Vietnam!
October 1, 2007:Top Chef: The Best Chef Ever Invented
September 23, 2007:Top Chef: The Luckiest Hawk
September 16, 2007:Recap: Top Chef: Plane Bourdain
September 9, 2007:Recap: Top Chef: Cave Man Overboard
August 26, 2007:Recap: Top Chef: Rewind It and Cry All Over Again
August 18, 2007:Recap: Top Chef: Bundas on the Line
August 12, 2007:Recap: Top Chef: Stone Cold Degradation
August 5, 2007:Recap: Top Chef: Plugging Rocco
July 28, 2007:Recap: Top Chef: Watch What Doesn't Happen
July 22, 2007:Recap: Top Chef: Que Emocion!
July 15, 2007:Recap: Top Chef: Bad Things Come in Threes
July 2, 2007:Recap: Top Chef: FREEDOM!
June 24, 2007:Recap: Top Chef: Burnt (Out) Weenies and Muffled Birdsongs
June 17, 2007:Recap: Top Chef: Papa, Can You Hear Me?
June 10, 2007:Recap: Top Chef: Return to the Planet of the Apes
February 4, 2007:Recap: Top Chef: And Gosh Darn It, People Like Me!
January 28, 2007:Recap: Top Chef: Ya Gotta Get a Gimmick
January 21, 2007:Recap: Top Chef: True Colors Shiner Through
January 14, 2007:Recap: Top Chef: MC Monkey Shines
January 7, 2007:Recap: Top Chef: Too Many Cooks...
December 17, 2006:Recap: Top Chef: The Mia Monologues: Christmas Edition
December 10, 2006:Recap: Top Chef: Raw Arrogance Cooked the Goose
November 26, 2006:Recap: Top Chef: Cutting Edgy
November 20, 2006:Recap: Top Chef: Left Over Awful
November 15, 2006:Recap: Top Chef: Finalist Submission II
:Recap: Top Chef: Finalist Submission I
October 20, 2006:One Word: PADMA
May 3, 2006:From the Casting Couch: Top Chef II