Hi guys'n'gals'n'tranzys, and welcome back to our regularly scheduled season of clowns. I never thought I would miss these people so much until they were taken away from me and I had to look at five seasons worth of douchebitchery... not to mention watching Fabio in his apparent audition to become The Next Bertolli Chef™. It's the only thing I can think of to explain the inconsistency of his accent. As far as his hosting/interviewing skills are concerned, well, I don't think Larry King has anything to worry about. Or Jerry Springer for that matter. So, I think we all agree it was all a big snoozy sludgefest, and I don't blame you guys for feeling cheated, too. I did my best to dress it up and make it pretty, but as we all know, you can put a wig and lipstick on a turd, and somehow you still end up with Carrie Prejean...

...or a fat cocky smacktalking little fucker who still mooches off of Mommy & Daddy and styles his hair after a toilet bowl brush...

Whoa, do I sound annoyed? I guess I am a little, because there's a lot of stuff that made me scream "ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME??!??!" at my TV in this episode of Top Chef, and most of those AYFKM moments are thanks to either Fat Kid, Bitter Jen, or 80's Hooker. Still, it was a little bit like coming home to see them all again, so grab a big bowl of pureéd popcorn (???) and join me after the jump...

Continue reading "Top Chef: Top Chef: Fat Kid Goes To The Circus" »

Posted by J-Mo at 12:00 PM | Permalink | Comments (10)

Welcome everyone! Do you like reunions? I don't mean the heart-wrenching, soul-twisting, tear-jerking kind that you find in the movies where some long-separated pair of lovers is brought back together after years of hardships and suffering and they have just enough time to have sex once before one of them is killed either in a senseless flossing accident or by choking to death on Pez. No, I'm talking about real life reunions where everyone sits around lying about how great their jobs are and pretending they're still in love with their spouses and attempting to hide their fat by not exhaling. Oh, you don't like those kind, either? Well, that's too bad, because we've got an hour of that shit to slog through tonight. However, we do get a few juicy tidbits thrown our way, one in the form of Carla "Beaker" Hall...

...who's giving Casey five seconds to 'pologize before she opens up a can of hootie-hoo on her ass...

Oh yes, tonight is the first ever Top Chef Reunion Dinner and all of our favorites are here to show that they have spent the last few years learning absolutely nothing about how to act when appearing on reailty TV show. And because the denizens of Bravo just won't let various douchetastic versions of the fauxhawk die, I'm calling on Beaker's spirit guides Ronda and Juanita to help me pull a little Paranormal Activity on them after the jump...

We begin tonight's show by meeting our host Fabio...

...thankfully not this one...

Although, wasn't it hysterical that time that Jesus sent a bird to whop him in the face and remind him to be a little less of a dickbag? At least, that's what's going through the blonde's mind. No, instead we are treated to the other Fabio (which is a phrase I never ever ever thought would exist in my lifetime) who claims that Bravo just up and asked him to host "a deenair partee" at Social Nightclub in Hollywood...

..."Doan hade mee becozz Ai estole fan favoreet fromm Beekair!"...

That's right, I said it, he totally did! There's no way he really beat out Carla for fan favorite, right? I mean, you hear a helluva lot more "Hootie hoo!" going on out there than you do "Monkey ass een a clowna shale!" In any event, he garbles that tonight we're going to see himself plus eleven of the "moss beelovvd chef fromm season pasta". Really?!? Funny how the editors immediately make a huge liar of him...

Continue reading "Top Chef: Top Chef Reunion Dinner: Just Like High School, Only With Worse Hairstyling" »

Posted by J-Mo at 4:25 PM | Permalink | Comments (12)

Hello and greetings and Happy Post-Halloween! I hope all of you had a great time, wore some fun costumes, and had some tasty candy. As many of you may be aware, Halloween = Gay Christmas so naturally I was in the middle of a great big gay bar party out in Scottsdale that puts on a huge show every year, and after we finished our PussyCat Dolls performance (where the pants on my costume kept threatening to fall down onstage) we were turned loose to get drunk make merry for the rest of the evening. I saw so many interesting things that I doubt you'd see anywhere else, such as a giant inflatable penis costume, or Balloon Boy and a Sarah Palin drag-queen getting into a fistfight, or the real kicker of the night, which was a guy in a black cowboy sex angel costume (I don't know how else to describe it) who started peeing on the ground directly behind me when I was sitting on the curb. Luckily I was able to grab one of the testicles of the inflatable penis costume and protect myself...

...looks like Scar's Halloween costume was "Kelly Garrett" from Charlie's Angels...

She looks rather uneasy in that picture, doesn't she? I wonder if one of those dishes she's glaring at so mistrustfully reminds her of wrinkly old writerdick (or maybe someone peed on the ground near her, too)? Either way, on tonight's episode of Top Chef we discover that Bravo is taking "going green" to the extreme and recycling the old "Celebrity Vegetarian Challenge" from this past season of Top Chef Masters, only instead of wacky Meg-Ryan-wannabe and horrible folk singer Zooey Deschanel we're stuck with serious Julia-Roberts-wannabe and the woman some feel is responsible for the destruction of the Star Wars saga, Natalie Portman. Initially I was kinda pissed, because I used all my best Vegetarian jokes in the TCM recap several weeks ago, but in all actuality this turned out to be one of my favorite episodes evah. Find out why after the jump!...

Continue reading "Top Chef: Top Chef: Vegeterrorism" »

Posted by J-Mo at 10:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (50)

Welcome back to Las Vegas ye faithful culinarians! I think Scar once said there were something like 70 million billion trillion hillion skillion restaurants in Sin City, and I bet all of them are hurting right now. Let's face it, there are only so many ways to make "Cheap Beef & Tiny Skrimps" sound classy before you're stuck putting Value Meal numbers next to items on your menu and installing a Drive-Thru for your Lazy Fat Asses On Rascals™ traffic. Tough times are here, and everybody's hunkering down, tightening their belts, and holding their hand out to the government for some free cash because who knew building a restaurant with heated tablecloths and solid-platinum electronic forks might not be the best idea?...

...well, because this is how people did financial planning...

Heh, it looks like Sexist Pigshit's so enamored with boobs that he's playing with his own. I bet his left nipple feels dirty and violated right now. Anyhow, tonight's episode of Top Chef is the much-hyped and long-awaited "Restaurant Wars", and not only do we have some fun teams, but we also get another Top Chef Masters alumnus in the mix along with several other surprises after the jump!...

Surprise #1...

...who knew Bitter Jen did cheesecake so well?...

Surprise #2 is that Sticky Wickett's telling us as the numbers dwindle that "the best chefs are remaining" and seems to be curiously including herself in that statement, even though last week she was nearly buttfucked in half by Cliffie Clavin for not really knowing how to make rillettes and she managed to make the editor of Food & Wine Magazine feel like she'd been handed a bowl of Little Friskies. I would say a healthy dose of "WTF am I gonna do to not suck?" would be in order instead of congratulating herself for having escaped yet another bullet.

Speaking of the dearly departed final member of Team Rainbow Season Six, DirtyBear says with Gay Ashlee gone that it has taken "a dynamic away from the house that we just really can't replace." Awww, look how cute he is! Everybody misses the funny gay guy, especially when they're left with the goddamned Volt Brothers bickering all the time. DirtyBear attempts to have a Moment Of Silence for Gay Ashlee...

...but finds it difficult to concentrate...

Continue reading "Top Chef: Top Chef: Our Mission Is To Be Revolting" »

Posted by J-Mo at 6:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (42)

Hello again foodie fans! I just got back from the wonderfully cold, windy and rainy city of Indianapolis where I was attending yet another drag queen pageant. This one is specially geared towards fat guys who like to wear pretty dresses and who strike terror in the hearts of late-night drive-thru employees everywhere. Over the course of the week I: a.) ate some deep fried pickles and squid (the squid was a little overcooked and therefore chewy and somewhat retch-inducing), b.) got lost about sixty times just trying to make it from the host bar to the hotel (downtown Indy is confusing) and c.) I saw a one-legged drag queen nearly win the entire thing when she plopped down into the splits and intentionally popped off her prosthetic limb! I am still kinda creeped out about that last thing, and I can't even believe I'm writing the words "one-legged drag queen" in a sentence...

...and even worse, I'm afraid when it happened I probably had the same expression on my face as Sexist Pigshit here...

...and because the IUPUI University Place Hotel doesn't get Bravo, I wasn't able to even watch this week's episode of Top Chef until I got home yesterday. And I must say, I was pissed when I finally did. For starters, we've got Gay Ashlee being a total tard, the Volts are at each other's throats, and Fat Kid proves once and for all that he's a complete asshat. Plus, the outcome of one of the challenges is gonna be super-annoying after the jump...

Continue reading "Top Chef: Top Chef: It All Comes Back To Food & Whine" »

Posted by J-Mo at 5:30 PM | Permalink | Comments (27)

Buenos Tardyforthepartys, 'Gasmii! Praise Jesus there was no new episode last week, I was in waaaay too much horrible debilitating pain (and clouded by waaaay too many drugs) to make sense of a fucking Bullwinkle cartoon, much less a complex reality TV show (and let's not even talk about how much fun it was trying to sit upright). HOWEVER, I'm all healed up now (thanks for all the well-wishes, that was so super-sweet of everybody) and ready to take on this week's episode. Let's start by playing a game, shall we?...

...called "Guess Who Said That?"...

...If you caught this week's jam-packed episode of Top Chef then I'm sure you have a pretty good idea of the answer. If you didn't... well, Bravo will run it 94,263 more times to make sure you do. Also new this week: we get to hear someone vomit, the level of Hooker-Hatred gets cranked waaaay up, and the cheftestants host a delightful dinner party from hell! Why is it from hell? Take the jump and find out!...

Continue reading "Top Chef: Top Chef: Too Much Voltage Causes Blackouts" »

Posted by J-Mo at 2:00 PM | Permalink | Comments (23)

Hey hey hey, what's up people? I may have spoken about my brush with the culinary world before. I don't like to talk about it much, because I don't want people to think I'm trying to be all grand or pretentious. However, I can say that I was a chef for about 11 months at one of the world's best-known restaurants, making some of the most famous and popular dishes of all time, such as Big Macs™ and Quarter Pounders™ and lemme tell y'all bitches, I was goood. I handled the entire New Year's Eve Dinner Rush of '88 all on my own... well, OK, there was another kid named Robert who was supposed to be working the grill with me, but he was literally semi-retarded and kept wandering off to the walk-in fridge to stuff cheese-wrapped McNuggets in his mouth so I wound up working both grills by myself for most of that evening while he made smiley-faces out of pickles on my prep-table and giggled and farted a lot...

...and this is how much I was paid per hour...

Yeah, that's not a lot of compensation for having to put up with Mr. NuggetChomper McPicklefart all night. Eventually Robert had an "accident" and had to go home. Anyhow on tonight's episode of Top Chef it's going to be all about the "deconstruction" of food, which I never realized I actually had experience with, because during my tenure at Mickey-D's we were still making the fabulous McD.L.T. that is pictured above! For you kids out there under 30 who might have missed out on it, this was a sammich where they kept the sizzlin'-hot meat patty away from the ice-cold lettuce, tomato, pickle, onion, cheese and mayo portion of the burger by means of a bulky (and highly environmentally unfriendly) styrofoam package, and the customer was responsible for putting the two sides together (which would never fly these days, people are too fucking lazy to put their own hamburger together... hell, they've barely got the energy to waddle up to the counter and order the damned things! Or maybe that's just me). Anyhow, after the jump, we'll get to see 80's Hooker annoying the shit out of everyone, Sexist Pigshit becoming more and more hostile, and Fat Kid making snide comments about people with terminal illnesses...

Continue reading "Top Chef: Top Chef: Danger - Deconstruction Zone Ahead" »

Posted by J-Mo at 10:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (32)

Welcome back boys and girls (and anyone undecided)! This may come as a complete shock to some of you, but I actually grew up and became a very experienced outdoor camper in the wilds of Minnesorta... as a member of the Boy Scouts Of America. Yeah, I actually learned orienteering by the stars, how to safely poo in the woods (and even more importantly, how to safely clean up afterwards) and I definitely know how to start a fire by rubbing sticks together. Unfortunately, I belonged to one of those horribly uncool geek-troops where my fellow scouts and I were actually tying the damned knots and practicing first aid and making s'mores (instead of the troops that many of my gay friends now tell me they belonged to where they were using those skills to play S&M games with each other involving ropes, Ace bandage restraints and melted chocolate used as body-paint). *sigh* I so missed out...

..."OK, who wants to play Strip Uno?"...

Well, on tonight's episode of Top Chef we're going to get to see just how well some of these morons people cope with cooking over an open pit in 100+ degree weather (just axe the BF every time we barbecue how much fun that is). Also, you're going to hate the outcome of the Quickfire Challenge, a cheftestant tries to murder the judges and Daddy Tom spits out someone's food! And unlike the Boy Scouts Of America, TVGasm.com won't spit me out for being gay, so let's get ready to prance like Priscilla (Queen Of The Desert) after the jump!...

Last week the girls' losing streak was finally broken when our first male cheftestant got sent home for hacking a piece of meat into bloody shredded bits...

...something I believe he'd liked to have done to the Judges as well...

Continue reading "Top Chef: Top Chef: Yippee Ki Yi Yay, Git Along Little Cheffies" »

Posted by J-Mo at 11:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (32)

Hi again foodie fans! While I was in Las Vegas last week a good friend of mine convinced me and the BF to travel with him to Chinatown there (no, I didn't know Vegas had a Chinatown, either) and we had lunch at an odd little place that was kind of in the middle of a Chinese mall of sorts. The food wasn't bad, but there was this weird smell that kept hitting us (kind of a mixture of cat pee and desperation) and it kinda put me off my Warr Su Gai. After lunch we wandered the mall and noticed the closer we got to this little smoothie shop, the stronger the stench became. Finally we had to turn around at the Creepy Geisha Doll Store™ because it was just far too stinky to stay there. The weird thing is, the line at the smoothie shop was spilling out into the mall, and I suspect the source of the foulness was some ingredient they were using in their products, and these people were apparently not bothered by it at all...

...this is the best visual representation of desperate pissiness I can think of...

...my point (and I promise I do have one) is that Americans don't always understand when people in other cultures like to eat really vile things, and we shouldn't let that stop us from buying an 18-inch geisha doll whose eyes follow you all over the room (or a backlit island sunset picture that has a built-in undulating-waves-on-the-water feature). And on tonight's episode of Top Chef we are going to focus on those wacky French and their love of grubby snails, there's a "shocking elimination", and Papi Cholo goes loco. Pinch your nostrils and let's jump...

Continue reading "Top Chef: Top Chef: The French Scare Everybody" »

Posted by J-Mo at 11:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (24)

Hey there everybody! I'm only one day back from Vegas and I miss it already! I can't tell you what it was like to spend five days in the company of 799 other fat gay men except to say that I felt positively svelte when laying out by the hotel pool and watching some of the other guys getting in the water. As it turns out, I actually don't have the Biggest Ass In The West™ after all...

...and DirtyBear would have been right at home amongst the scent of gently frying pork that permeated poolside...

...plus I was able to coerce the BF into taking me to dinner at the fabulous Lawry's Prime Rib that just happened to be across the street from our hotel, so we were able to get our foodgasm on. Ahhh, good times... but now I'm back to work, and on tonight's episode of Top Chef we're treated to Bitter Jen getting in touch with her outer bitch, Sexist Pigshit has a hissy fit and Team Rainbow v2.0 sorta implodes. I know it's late and the show is going to lap this recap, but come join me anyhow, we'll have some fun after the jump...

Continue reading "Top Chef: Top Chef: Taters & Thunderbirds" »

Posted by J-Mo at 1:15 PM | Permalink | Comments (16)