Hello and greetings and Happy Post-Halloween! I hope all of you had a great time, wore some fun costumes, and had some tasty candy. As many of you may be aware, Halloween = Gay Christmas so naturally I was in the middle of a great big gay bar party out in Scottsdale that puts on a huge show every year, and after we finished our PussyCat Dolls performance (where the pants on my costume kept threatening to fall down onstage) we were turned loose to get drunk make merry for the rest of the evening. I saw so many interesting things that I doubt you'd see anywhere else, such as a giant inflatable penis costume, or Balloon Boy and a Sarah Palin drag-queen getting into a fistfight, or the real kicker of the night, which was a guy in a black cowboy sex angel costume (I don't know how else to describe it) who started peeing on the ground directly behind me when I was sitting on the curb. Luckily I was able to grab one of the testicles of the inflatable penis costume and protect myself...

...looks like Scar's Halloween costume was "Kelly Garrett" from Charlie's Angels...

She looks rather uneasy in that picture, doesn't she? I wonder if one of those dishes she's glaring at so mistrustfully reminds her of wrinkly old writerdick (or maybe someone peed on the ground near her, too)? Either way, on tonight's episode of Top Chef we discover that Bravo is taking "going green" to the extreme and recycling the old "Celebrity Vegetarian Challenge" from this past season of Top Chef Masters, only instead of wacky Meg-Ryan-wannabe and horrible folk singer Zooey Deschanel we're stuck with serious Julia-Roberts-wannabe and the woman some feel is responsible for the destruction of the Star Wars saga, Natalie Portman. Initially I was kinda pissed, because I used all my best Vegetarian jokes in the TCM recap several weeks ago, but in all actuality this turned out to be one of my favorite episodes evah. Find out why after the jump!...

Continue reading "Top Chef: Top Chef: Vegeterrorism" »

Posted by J-Mo at 10:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Welcome back to Las Vegas ye faithful culinarians! I think Scar once said there were something like 70 million billion trillion hillion skillion restaurants in Sin City, and I bet all of them are hurting right now. Let's face it, there are only so many ways to make "Cheap Beef & Tiny Skrimps" sound classy before you're stuck putting Value Meal numbers next to items on your menu and installing a Drive-Thru for your Lazy Fat Asses On Rascals™ traffic. Tough times are here, and everybody's hunkering down, tightening their belts, and holding their hand out to the government for some free cash because who knew building a restaurant with heated tablecloths and solid-platinum electronic forks might not be the best idea?...

...well, because this is how people did financial planning...

Heh, it looks like Sexist Pigshit's so enamored with boobs that he's playing with his own. I bet his left nipple feels dirty and violated right now. Anyhow, tonight's episode of Top Chef is the much-hyped and long-awaited "Restaurant Wars", and not only do we have some fun teams, but we also get another Top Chef Masters alumnus in the mix along with several other surprises after the jump!...

Surprise #1...

...who knew Bitter Jen did cheesecake so well?...

Surprise #2 is that Sticky Wickett's telling us as the numbers dwindle that "the best chefs are remaining" and seems to be curiously including herself in that statement, even though last week she was nearly buttfucked in half by Cliffie Clavin for not really knowing how to make rillettes and she managed to make the editor of Food & Wine Magazine feel like she'd been handed a bowl of Little Friskies. I would say a healthy dose of "WTF am I gonna do to not suck?" would be in order instead of congratulating herself for having escaped yet another bullet.

Speaking of the dearly departed final member of Team Rainbow Season Six, DirtyBear says with Gay Ashlee gone that it has taken "a dynamic away from the house that we just really can't replace." Awww, look how cute he is! Everybody misses the funny gay guy, especially when they're left with the goddamned Volt Brothers bickering all the time. DirtyBear attempts to have a Moment Of Silence for Gay Ashlee...

...but finds it difficult to concentrate...

Continue reading "Top Chef: Top Chef: Our Mission Is To Be Revolting" »

Posted by J-Mo at 6:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (42)

Hello again foodie fans! I just got back from the wonderfully cold, windy and rainy city of Indianapolis where I was attending yet another drag queen pageant. This one is specially geared towards fat guys who like to wear pretty dresses and who strike terror in the hearts of late-night drive-thru employees everywhere. Over the course of the week I: a.) ate some deep fried pickles and squid (the squid was a little overcooked and therefore chewy and somewhat retch-inducing), b.) got lost about sixty times just trying to make it from the host bar to the hotel (downtown Indy is confusing) and c.) I saw a one-legged drag queen nearly win the entire thing when she plopped down into the splits and intentionally popped off her prosthetic limb! I am still kinda creeped out about that last thing, and I can't even believe I'm writing the words "one-legged drag queen" in a sentence...

...and even worse, I'm afraid when it happened I probably had the same expression on my face as Sexist Pigshit here...

...and because the IUPUI University Place Hotel doesn't get Bravo, I wasn't able to even watch this week's episode of Top Chef until I got home yesterday. And I must say, I was pissed when I finally did. For starters, we've got Gay Ashlee being a total tard, the Volts are at each other's throats, and Fat Kid proves once and for all that he's a complete asshat. Plus, the outcome of one of the challenges is gonna be super-annoying after the jump...

Continue reading "Top Chef: Top Chef: It All Comes Back To Food & Whine" »

Posted by J-Mo at 5:30 PM | Permalink | Comments (27)

Buenos Tardyforthepartys, 'Gasmii! Praise Jesus there was no new episode last week, I was in waaaay too much horrible debilitating pain (and clouded by waaaay too many drugs) to make sense of a fucking Bullwinkle cartoon, much less a complex reality TV show (and let's not even talk about how much fun it was trying to sit upright). HOWEVER, I'm all healed up now (thanks for all the well-wishes, that was so super-sweet of everybody) and ready to take on this week's episode. Let's start by playing a game, shall we?...

...called "Guess Who Said That?"...

...If you caught this week's jam-packed episode of Top Chef then I'm sure you have a pretty good idea of the answer. If you didn't... well, Bravo will run it 94,263 more times to make sure you do. Also new this week: we get to hear someone vomit, the level of Hooker-Hatred gets cranked waaaay up, and the cheftestants host a delightful dinner party from hell! Why is it from hell? Take the jump and find out!...

Continue reading "Top Chef: Top Chef: Too Much Voltage Causes Blackouts" »

Posted by J-Mo at 2:00 PM | Permalink | Comments (23)

Hey hey hey, what's up people? I may have spoken about my brush with the culinary world before. I don't like to talk about it much, because I don't want people to think I'm trying to be all grand or pretentious. However, I can say that I was a chef for about 11 months at one of the world's best-known restaurants, making some of the most famous and popular dishes of all time, such as Big Macs™ and Quarter Pounders™ and lemme tell y'all bitches, I was goood. I handled the entire New Year's Eve Dinner Rush of '88 all on my own... well, OK, there was another kid named Robert who was supposed to be working the grill with me, but he was literally semi-retarded and kept wandering off to the walk-in fridge to stuff cheese-wrapped McNuggets in his mouth so I wound up working both grills by myself for most of that evening while he made smiley-faces out of pickles on my prep-table and giggled and farted a lot...

...and this is how much I was paid per hour...

Yeah, that's not a lot of compensation for having to put up with Mr. NuggetChomper McPicklefart all night. Eventually Robert had an "accident" and had to go home. Anyhow on tonight's episode of Top Chef it's going to be all about the "deconstruction" of food, which I never realized I actually had experience with, because during my tenure at Mickey-D's we were still making the fabulous McD.L.T. that is pictured above! For you kids out there under 30 who might have missed out on it, this was a sammich where they kept the sizzlin'-hot meat patty away from the ice-cold lettuce, tomato, pickle, onion, cheese and mayo portion of the burger by means of a bulky (and highly environmentally unfriendly) styrofoam package, and the customer was responsible for putting the two sides together (which would never fly these days, people are too fucking lazy to put their own hamburger together... hell, they've barely got the energy to waddle up to the counter and order the damned things! Or maybe that's just me). Anyhow, after the jump, we'll get to see 80's Hooker annoying the shit out of everyone, Sexist Pigshit becoming more and more hostile, and Fat Kid making snide comments about people with terminal illnesses...

Continue reading "Top Chef: Top Chef: Danger - Deconstruction Zone Ahead" »

Posted by J-Mo at 10:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (32)

Welcome back boys and girls (and anyone undecided)! This may come as a complete shock to some of you, but I actually grew up and became a very experienced outdoor camper in the wilds of Minnesorta... as a member of the Boy Scouts Of America. Yeah, I actually learned orienteering by the stars, how to safely poo in the woods (and even more importantly, how to safely clean up afterwards) and I definitely know how to start a fire by rubbing sticks together. Unfortunately, I belonged to one of those horribly uncool geek-troops where my fellow scouts and I were actually tying the damned knots and practicing first aid and making s'mores (instead of the troops that many of my gay friends now tell me they belonged to where they were using those skills to play S&M games with each other involving ropes, Ace bandage restraints and melted chocolate used as body-paint). *sigh* I so missed out...

..."OK, who wants to play Strip Uno?"...

Well, on tonight's episode of Top Chef we're going to get to see just how well some of these morons people cope with cooking over an open pit in 100+ degree weather (just axe the BF every time we barbecue how much fun that is). Also, you're going to hate the outcome of the Quickfire Challenge, a cheftestant tries to murder the judges and Daddy Tom spits out someone's food! And unlike the Boy Scouts Of America, TVGasm.com won't spit me out for being gay, so let's get ready to prance like Priscilla (Queen Of The Desert) after the jump!...

Last week the girls' losing streak was finally broken when our first male cheftestant got sent home for hacking a piece of meat into bloody shredded bits...

...something I believe he'd liked to have done to the Judges as well...

Continue reading "Top Chef: Top Chef: Yippee Ki Yi Yay, Git Along Little Cheffies" »

Posted by J-Mo at 11:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (32)

Hi again foodie fans! While I was in Las Vegas last week a good friend of mine convinced me and the BF to travel with him to Chinatown there (no, I didn't know Vegas had a Chinatown, either) and we had lunch at an odd little place that was kind of in the middle of a Chinese mall of sorts. The food wasn't bad, but there was this weird smell that kept hitting us (kind of a mixture of cat pee and desperation) and it kinda put me off my Warr Su Gai. After lunch we wandered the mall and noticed the closer we got to this little smoothie shop, the stronger the stench became. Finally we had to turn around at the Creepy Geisha Doll Store™ because it was just far too stinky to stay there. The weird thing is, the line at the smoothie shop was spilling out into the mall, and I suspect the source of the foulness was some ingredient they were using in their products, and these people were apparently not bothered by it at all...

...this is the best visual representation of desperate pissiness I can think of...

...my point (and I promise I do have one) is that Americans don't always understand when people in other cultures like to eat really vile things, and we shouldn't let that stop us from buying an 18-inch geisha doll whose eyes follow you all over the room (or a backlit island sunset picture that has a built-in undulating-waves-on-the-water feature). And on tonight's episode of Top Chef we are going to focus on those wacky French and their love of grubby snails, there's a "shocking elimination", and Papi Cholo goes loco. Pinch your nostrils and let's jump...

Continue reading "Top Chef: Top Chef: The French Scare Everybody" »

Posted by J-Mo at 11:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (24)

Hey there everybody! I'm only one day back from Vegas and I miss it already! I can't tell you what it was like to spend five days in the company of 799 other fat gay men except to say that I felt positively svelte when laying out by the hotel pool and watching some of the other guys getting in the water. As it turns out, I actually don't have the Biggest Ass In The West™ after all...

...and DirtyBear would have been right at home amongst the scent of gently frying pork that permeated poolside...

...plus I was able to coerce the BF into taking me to dinner at the fabulous Lawry's Prime Rib that just happened to be across the street from our hotel, so we were able to get our foodgasm on. Ahhh, good times... but now I'm back to work, and on tonight's episode of Top Chef we're treated to Bitter Jen getting in touch with her outer bitch, Sexist Pigshit has a hissy fit and Team Rainbow v2.0 sorta implodes. I know it's late and the show is going to lap this recap, but come join me anyhow, we'll have some fun after the jump...

Continue reading "Top Chef: Top Chef: Taters & Thunderbirds" »

Posted by J-Mo at 1:15 PM | Permalink | Comments (16)

I've officially started my countdown. Four days from today I will be in gorgeous Las Vegas, Nevada, most likely drunk off my ass and probably hazily wondering where my room key / cell phone / boyfriend / underwear has disappeared to, and that will be just fine with me, because that's part of what Vegas is all about: doing things you wouldn't normally do and marinating everything in alcohol. Or maybe other substances...

...and here I thought only Flipit could exhale like that...

Hell, I ain't gonna turn anything down that's offered my way (other than STDs). And on tonight's fun-filled episode of Top Chef we will be offered visions of clueless women, wet men and Daddy Tom in shorts! Oh, and Prop 8 ruins yet another wedding party. Get ready for some lesbian rage after the jump!...

Continue reading "Top Chef: Top Chef: Battle Of The Sexists" »

Posted by J-Mo at 10:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (17)

Buenos Nachos, my fellow gastric gamblers! That there is a little Spanish that means "Good Doritos". I just finished the recap for the Finale of Top Chef Masters literally minutes ago and here I am starting another one already. Needless to say I'm a tad punchy, which is the perfect frame of mind to be in when we're about to meet seventeen new people that we get to make fun of...

...if only they wouldn't make it so easy for us!...

...There is plenty to talk about, because this Season Six premiere of Top Chef is a "super-sized" episode, and before the 75 minutes are up we'll be treated to androgyny, sexism, blood and a nearly-naked fat guy! God knows I can never get enough of that, so let's take out our toques and take a big fat jump...

Continue reading "Top Chef: Top Chef: Viva Las Vices!" »

Posted by J-Mo at 7:04 AM | Permalink | Comments (30)