When I was a kid, we had a maid named Romana. She was sweet, charming, and pretty cute, but she was nothing special in the cleaning department. My mom had been hearing stories from her friends about this amazing cleaning woman named Sofie and wanted to try her. Sofie could get wine stains out of anything and even had a magic, super secret technique to make sink fixtures look like new! Some called it voodoo, others called it brilliance. Either way, my mother was intrigued.
When Romana went home to her family one weekend, Sofie was snuck into the house. The stories were true. She insisted on being alone in the room while she worked, so all I can tell you is that in one day, she had our home looking like a shiny palace. And then she started talking. On and on in a tiny squeaky voice she went, only pausing to giggle like a little witch. She told me I was too fat (ok she was right) and she told my sister she had thin hair (sorry, but true again). She called my Father baldie and my Mom Anciana, which is Spanish for "ancient". She was teasing us, and I think it was her misguided way of trying to build camaraderie. It was sweet, in a way. Come Monday morning, Romana was back at work and we were forbidden to ever mention Sofie again. It didn't matter that the windows were so clean they weren't even visible. No one calls my mother old.
This week, Top Chef taught us it doesn't matter if you're good enough and smart enough. People have to like you.
It's the final episode of a very juicy, controversial season of Top Chef and the producers couldn't have chosen a more awkward pair to stick alone together on an island for the last hoorah. Marcel swims and poses like he's on the cover of molecular gastronomy's answer to the Abercrombie catalogue while Ilan sits fully dressed on the sidelines sniping at the monkey and pining for romance. Such a beautiful place, he just wishes he could share it with a beautiful woman! Still stickin' to that story, huh?
Marcel is so at peace in the natural surroundings that nothing could ruin his mood. Then he pricks his finger trying to pull sea urchin out of the water. Ooh, he pricked his finger. Call the medics.
Someone recommends he pee on the tiny wound to avoid infection. I'll think of that next time I get a paper cut. People at work would love that. It's not like they're on a deserted island. Doesn't the Top Chef crew at least carry a bottle of alcohol around? Where's Frank when you need him? Ilan doesn't lend his hose, but says he would have loved to pee on Marcel.
We're less than three minutes into the finale and already they're playin' water sports. What's next? If it involves a swing of any kind I'm turning off my TV. Marcel peed on himself, earning a whole new following in the process.
Padma and Tom greet them. This past week, gossip abounded that Padma was tokin' bud (often) on set, and I have to say her slurring and staring off into space is less fun now that I know she's just high and not an alien. Daddy Tom has packed on another 25 or so pounds during the shoot break, and decides to celebrate his new figure by wearing this shirt.
Noooooooooooooooo!!!
Dear Daddy Tom,
You are firm, fair, and sexy no matter your weight, but the Hawaiian shirt hurt my feelings. Please never do that to me again. Put on a sexy suit. Feed the people.
Heart,
Flipit
The challenge today will be simple. Create their best five courses ever. They will have their own locations and a staff of two, which they will get to choose from the group of, you guessed it, the chopped Chefs! Dooinggg. Cliff's not back for this challenge, which isn't really surprising, but it is kind of disappointing. I'm a big fan of unpredictable anger. Oh, that reminds me I need to call my mother.
Clearance Rack
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Comments (19)
Flipit, thanks for a great recap of disappointing finale. Who do you root for, the pompous nerd or the bullying douchebag.
Tough call. I hope you recap Top Chef 3 and they have a better cast!
1 of 19 | Posted by angiemarie
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Posted on February 4, 2007 12:05 PM
Man I was just hoping against hope that MolecularMonkey would pull out the win, just so that the other asswipes would be miserable. Alas, Ilan gets rewarded for ripping off recipes from his former employer. Blah
Flipit, the picture of Padma toking up was perfection. Bitch was high! So was Marcel during his exit interview, but I figure he knocked back a bunch of drinks before taping that. I would have.
2 of 19 | Posted by LaSexorcisto
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Posted on February 4, 2007 1:06 PM
Great recap -- thanks.
No, I have never peed on a cut, nor on a jellyfish sting...
I truly thought Marcel would win; his dishes were more creative than Ilan's and beautifully presented. If he hadn't mentioned that the fish and the vinaigrette teardrops were missing from his plates, FlabbyTom would have dobbed him in.
Too bad, Marcel. You conducted yourself with a great deal of grace in the face of the kinds of indignities no one should have to suffer.
3 of 19 | Posted by Donna Martin Graduates!
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Posted on February 4, 2007 2:50 PM
Sophie sounds like my neighbor.
Great recap once again. Maybe you could do 'Top Design' so we can still be blessed with your wit and charm.
Had a feeling Marcel was gonna lose. When the teardrop dressing melted, I knew he was doomed..... well I here Rosie will hire him, unless the "Donald" snaps him up.
Love you!!!
4 of 19 | Posted by chooch850
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Posted on February 4, 2007 4:10 PM
I'm from Hawaii and I can say that the pee actually disinfects/cuts the pain on things like jellyfish stings, etc. Never been pricked by a sea urchin, but i'm assuming this is where they got the idea. Or else Ilan just wanted to pee on the Monkey, which is entirely possible, skanky little bitch!
5 of 19 | Posted by Justine
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Posted on February 4, 2007 5:36 PM
Flipit - lovedddddddd the recap.
"Great recap once again. Maybe you could do 'Top Design' so we can still be blessed with your wit and charm."
At the beginning of the season you could not have convinced me that I would be rooting for Marcel in the end. That is how vile Ilan was. Vile enough to make me root for the man that upset our little Betty.
I also would love to know when Elia flipped the switch from being Marcel's friend to being so snotty to/about him.
Keep up the great work Flipit!
6 of 19 | Posted by TinkerbellAPixie
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Posted on February 4, 2007 7:17 PM
For some odd reason it didn't show my comment after that quote "Great recap once again. Maybe you could do 'Top Design' so we can still be blessed with your wit and charm."
What I typed up was that you would be GREAT recapping Top Design and it is definitely already proving to be quite the snarkworthy program. I'd be willing to grovel and beg if that would help you decide.
7 of 19 | Posted by TinkerbellAPixie
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Posted on February 4, 2007 7:19 PM
With the ratings that Top Chef got this season I have a feeling we will be seeing more of this awful behavior, not less.
Chef Tom and his telling the FoamBoy and One-Note Spainard that they were both 'worthy' of being Top Chef made me gag! Pahleaze.
Loved the Padmama toking, Flipit! Perfect.
hb
8 of 19 | Posted by HoneyBunny
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Posted on February 4, 2007 8:40 PM
you had to put that last pic in just for me- didn't you? :)
great recap Flipit! I wish the monkey boy would have thrown some poo at Ilan at the end, but he messed up when he picked his sous chef's. At least Sam was there to help him when he needed it, but his creative dishes couldn't make up for his lack of authority in the kitchen.
9 of 19 | Posted by zoobabe
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Posted on February 5, 2007 5:54 AM
Flipit, that pix of Padma smoking up was right on!! thanks for another enjoyable recap. i know you're not crazy abt Top Design but there is so much POTENTIAL there--come'on, whn the winning design is a quasi-litterbox, you can be sure there will be oodles to snark about!
10 of 19 | Posted by Tati
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Posted on February 5, 2007 7:21 AM
Awesome recap. What a bittersweet episode. I'm glad that season is done, I was so over the drama of those idiots. But at the same time I will miss your recaps. Hilarious pics too.
11 of 19 | Posted by photochild
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Posted on February 5, 2007 7:31 AM
Disappointing. Boring. Project Runway was so much better this season!
I cannot wait for Work Out!
12 of 19 | Posted by AC
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Posted on February 5, 2007 8:44 AM
THANK YOU GUYS. Yay Monday!
I am working on the Top Design recap today so it should be up by tomorrow morning. That show is waay better when you're wasted and have a fresh pizza in front of you. Thanks for the hollas !
LOVE
13 of 19 | Posted by Flipit
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Posted on February 5, 2007 10:38 AM
Flipit, you did a great job with such a disappointing season!
Marcel was annoying, Ilan was a douche, and Elia quickly went from "favorite" to "pseudo-Betty" status.
I read that Ilan dissed Harold (from last season), did anyone else see/hear that?
14 of 19 | Posted by MissKatrina
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Posted on February 5, 2007 11:59 AM
Hey Flipit, great recap as always. It's sad to see the whiny (obviously gay) Jew win as the monkey deserved the win!! What does he know about Spanish food anyways? I would expect that bullshit coming out of the French Mexican (Elia).
As you and I have disagreed on the j-smoking Padma, I took your advice and Googled her. Let's just say that I love her MORE. I cannot wait for the return of Padma and the return of your recaps in S3.
15 of 19 | Posted by HokieJM
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Posted on February 5, 2007 12:16 PM
Flipit you have done a wonderful job all season... anything you write will be worth our reading so keep at it.... you would be missed if you did not recap something here and top design drunk might be the perfect way because that show sucked in it's own special way...
I will not restate the obvious here about who I think should have won top chef....... you all have read it before and it is plainly written over and over again in these comments.
Marcel if you do read this know many of us were pulling for you and you finished the show a winnner in our book.
Ilan if you are reading this..shut up. you should have been gone anyway...and the crap you said about Marcel, and the way you acted behind the camera that night, and the crap you said about Harold. WhoTF do you think you are....... SHUT UP
16 of 19 | Posted by GIFFORDSAZ
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Posted on February 5, 2007 12:22 PM
Wait a second. Mr. Ilan "I'm going to dress like a bad super mario brothers character" was talking smack about Harold?! Oh it's on now! :)
17 of 19 | Posted by Laurie
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Posted on February 6, 2007 7:22 AM
Oh, yes he did! Little bastard! Check it out on YouTube here.
or if that link doesn't work here it is again.
www.youtube.com/watch?v=F0EsydcEDmQ
HEART
18 of 19 | Posted by Flipit
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Posted on February 6, 2007 5:42 PM
wow. what a love fest here.
Loved Ilan in leather, tho daddy Tom deserves an outfit too.
19 of 19 | Posted by dredge
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Posted on February 7, 2007 1:28 PM