This week, Top Chef taught us you can't lose if you don't play, wine can taste Tuscan and not be from Tuscany, and if you sucked the first time, you should probably change your game plan.
Get me a straw.
The Chefs were all spared after last week's disastrous Restaurant Wars Challenge, and I'm still annoyed. Everyone is pretty nervous and insecure in the house this week, which makes me feel kind of better, because that usually means that they'll suck it even harder in the do-over. I will just say this one time and move on, but THERE ARE NO MULLIGANS IN THE KITCHEN. If it's burnt, it's burnt. Throw that shit away.
I was wondering when serious music would play and CJ would give us his "THEY STOLE MY BALL!!! WAAAHHHHHH!!!" monologue, and it looks like it's now. Come on, dude. Save it for the Judges Table when you're in real trouble. It's your big gun! He tells us that when he found out that he had testicular cancer, he didn't think for one second that it would hold him down. He may only have one nut, but he's got more balls than anyone in this competition! That didn't sound rehearsed at all. What, no "now let's get the ball rolling!"? Good for you, one nut. Glad you're recovered. Now shut it and cook. I'm starving.
The "mystery blogger" from last week, who I can only think of as Hag to Madonna's Snotty Uggo Brother now that you guys told me who that looza was, has written critique letters to both teams. You know, just some things to keep in mind as they prepare to repeat the challenge. Words like "disaster" and "sweaty and gross" are peppered in. Helpful. Thanks, bitch. Hearing how much they suck somehow doesn't pep any of the chefs up. Hey, chefs. I've got a letter for ya. "Don't suck this time. Love, Flipit."
Oh, no she didn't!
Daddy Tom tells the Chefs that because they are getting a do-over, the Restaurant War will be tougher this time. They will have to make double the dishes, as the guests will have a choice on every course. But first, let's get through the Quickfire! The Challenge is all about team work today. Both restaurants April and Garage will work as a kitchen staff and do the prep work for a busy night. Prep work is the grunt work that most restaurants hire those illegal aliens who try to jump into your car in front of Home Depot to do, so I crack up when Daddy Tom refers to the task by it's French name, mise en place. I'm gonna use that next time I'm watching one of the prep guys at work peel and chop pounds of onions while he sweats out his soul. Hey, Barriga! Tough mise en place today? Sucka!
The chefs will have to shuck oysters, take apart chickens, separate eggs, and chop onions. Whoever does it the fastest gets an extra two hundred bucks for wine plus the help of a "mystery guest sommalier"! The only time this show has used that term is with Stephen from Season 1. Please, God, tell me it's not him. I just spotted the first hive break out on my forearm and I'm getting the shakes. It's so gonna be him. WHYYYYYY??? CJ looks like he too knows what's coming.
Shit. Let's throw it.
Howie and Troll Patch are going head to head first in the oyster shucking contest. TP has won oyster shucking contests (seriously? They have those?) which means slow mo Howie's screwed. He admits that he's no great shucker and that he moves slower than fat off a fat lady on Atkins (sorry, but that diet is bullshit), so it's no surprise that Troll Patch beats his ass, letting Bunny Foo Foo jump in to start chopping her onions while Sara M waits for Howie to finish. Damn though, Sara M sure makes up for Howie's lame ass. She chops those onions like a machine, while Foo Foo goes into anal-retentive overdrive and slices hers like she's trying not to hurt their feelings. Everyone is annoyed with her, even the other team. They just can't handle perfection, Foo! Take your time!
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Comments (15)
Oh, noe daaa-aaang! Not GOTTSTAHAVEPASSION!
Thanks for the deets, Flipit. And thanks, Bravo, for the pancake to the heart this week.
1 of 15 | Posted by Anniemal
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Posted on August 26, 2007 10:08 PM
I have to say...and I may be in the minority...but I LOVE Stephen.
He cracks me up - and I think even with all his excentricities (sp?) that the character we see on the TV is really him.
How great is that?
2 of 15 | Posted by eellsinoc
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Posted on August 26, 2007 11:26 PM
I was really annoyed that they let Tre go, but I understand because he made two crappy dishes where the others either made one, or didn't really effect the team either way.
I loves Stephen as well. He's so adorably weird.
And is it just me, or does Joey's arm look like it's made of rubber in the screencap?
3 of 15 | Posted by PixieGal
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Posted on August 27, 2007 12:23 AM
Oh flip, why don't you just hop on the Hung Train of Awesomeness already? You know you want to.
4 of 15 | Posted by Pegster
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Posted on August 27, 2007 4:44 AM
Flipit, these recaps always start my work week off right; thank you!!
Foo should be ashamed; I am a "home cook" at best and could have buried her in chopped onions! Sure, I would have had mascara-laden tears streaming down my face, but still. However, I would never enter the world of crazy that is Hung/Brian.
Dale is my new favorite; I think I could forgive the bald-hawk 'do such that I could bask in his queenly bitchiness.
5 of 15 | Posted by MissKatrina
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Posted on August 27, 2007 7:00 AM
Hola! I was sad to see Tre go, but alas, alack & all that. Strangely, I'll probably be sad when anyone goes at this point, I really don't hate anyone this season. Not even Hung; not even Howie. I think they're all just a big bunch of teddy bears. (Who knows, maybe this is just a subconsious comparison to the vast spiritual wasteland that is the Big Brother cast, or the Top Chef Season 2 cast, for that matter.)
And, for the record, I too share the Stephen love. Yes, I'll come out of the closet. I can't really explain it (except, well, that I never saw the first 1/2 of Season 1 of Top Chef, so I didn't see Stephen acting like an ass to Candace until the reunion show, when he was so graciously apologizing).
Surely, Flipit, you too have a soft spot for Stephen, somewhere, deep down. (Even though I'll note that you refused to give him ANY credit in the opening episode recap when Stephen had the best dish in both the QF & the dinner, per Daddy Tom...)
6 of 15 | Posted by Lime23
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Posted on August 27, 2007 8:25 AM
ok ok OK FINE. i do have to admit that i smiled every time stephen came on the screen last night and i actually felt bad for him when baldhawk gave him the over service note, seeing his crushed face made me AWWWW!
there! argh.
heart
7 of 15 | Posted by Flipit
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Posted on August 27, 2007 9:29 AM
I've loved Stepehen ever since he showed up drunk at the reunion show, threatened to punch out that Irish tool, Ken, and then sincerely made nice with Candice, after seeing what a douch he came off like on tv. And then, to top it all off, he and Dave got shitfaced and screwed over Tiffani in the finals, which she deserved.
I was so happy to see Stephen again. I want to be BFFs with him. Hi-larious.
8 of 15 | Posted by jfn
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Posted on August 27, 2007 11:55 AM
Spot on, Flipit! I haven't LMFAO'd in a long time.
I thought was funny when every shot they show of Colicchio in the kitchen he's stuffing his face too.
9 of 15 | Posted by Big Butt Print on Couch
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Posted on August 27, 2007 12:40 PM
Great, great recap! Kept me laughing the entire time!
When CJ or TP said "Tre took the elimination like a man" I immediately thought of Joey. I mean, Joey was just the epitome of toughness when he refused to shed a single tear when faced with elimination, sucking it up and blaming no one but himself. Wait... sorry, I was talking about Sara N.
10 of 15 | Posted by AGrinkov
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Posted on August 28, 2007 12:08 AM
Once Trey said he could do bread pudding in his sleep, I said uh oh, thats what he said about the bar-b-que that landed him in the bottom three. Does Joey have a huge mole on his elbow or is that Saran peeking out??? (picture of Joey/Dale hugging). Flipit once again you rock, I am probably going to be late for a staff meeting but I had to finish reading this!!
11 of 15 | Posted by Featherhead
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Posted on August 28, 2007 5:55 AM
I rather have Tp then Tre go. I was finally warming up to somebody on this show and they cut his ass. And what was with Major Tom being disgusted with the contestants? That kind of smarmyness is Gail's department. And she is much more vocal then Queer Eye is this season. Whom to root for now? Tranny Wheels? Bunny Foo? One Nut Mcgee? Sweaty Patch Kid? All worthless.
I love how Madonna's mutated mogwai brother's crtique was telling them how bad they suck for 10 minutes. I would have loved it if Baldhawk would have just karate chopped his throat, but alas all they cast whiny psychos, not violent ones.
Funny as hell recap, Flipit. Keep it up.
12 of 15 | Posted by popo
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Posted on August 28, 2007 11:13 AM
Okay, maybe it's just the angle, but does it look like Saran is having a nip-slip moment in the pic with Joey and Baldhawk hugging? Or is it just me.
Great recap Flipit. As always.
13 of 15 | Posted by karenxs
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Posted on August 28, 2007 8:24 PM
eellsinoc... I LOVE HIM TOO! and his giant ties that match his giant head! i fell in love with him when he referred to his dish as "fly" :)
14 of 15 | Posted by lalalaini
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Posted on August 29, 2007 4:36 AM
Yeah, hungry hungry Colicchio -- that guy can really put it away.
TEAM HUNG!
15 of 15 | Posted by Donna Martin Graduates!
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Posted on August 29, 2007 11:03 AM