In what is becoming a tradition in the “Top Chef” house, we start with Marcel annoying the hell out of somebody first thing in the morning. Last week, he was throwing paper wads at a sleeping Frank’s face. This week he’s upped the a-hole ante by slapping his flip flops together in a slumbering Michael’s ear while jumping up and down shouting “get up! Get up! Get up!”   Is this just a reality show ploy to get us all riled up or is Marcel really this dickish? And now that he’s wearing grease in his hair (thank you, btw), why is his “soul patch” going crazy? It looks like a really tiny, really hairy man’s butt crack.   OK, Bravo, we get it. Marcel’s the villain. Now please, follow “Friends”’ example and fire the damned monkey!

  Michael wakes up with a little thong on his pillow. He tells us he misses his wife as he clutches the tiny thong and says “it’s time for new underwear!”   I went to the bathroom and threw up. But to be fair, I did have a huge lunch.

  Padma brings the remaining twelve chefs together for the Quickfire Challenge. She is wearing a (surprisingly) simple, chic black dress instead of something a pole dancer or a Barbie would wear, like usual. Stop messing with me, “Top Chef”! Is Padma brilliant or retarded?

Brilliant? Retarded?

Today’s challenge is to create a complex, mouth-watering treat known as the Amuse Douche. That’s easy! What douche isn’t amusing? Oh, wait. This is a cooking show. Thank God they spelled this for us, as I could picture my Meemaw in Texas falling off her chair in horror at the thought of a televised douche.   Turns out an amuse bouche is a single bite sized portion of savory food that leaves you wanting more. This is yet another example of the culinary terrorism brought to us by the French. Make the tastiest, most mouth watering dish you can think of and cut me off after one bite or I’m like totally gauche. Damn you, France!

  Padma introduces us to Guest Judge Suzanne Goin, executive  chef and owner of both Louque and AOC restaurants in LA and recent recipient of Food and Wine Magazine’s best chef award.   Sam tells us Goin’s one of his favorites. She’s simple and rustic. Where I come from, that means stupid and dirty, but I guess it’s a compliment if you’re a chef.   Suzanne takes the Chefs to the store to get their ingredients, and the store is a row of vending machines! What, did last year’s 7-11 product placement (where  a bunch of disgusted, pissed off Chefs called the chain revolting and nasty on national television) not end well?   Padma gives each chef a $10 roll of quarters to buy their ingredients. I wish they had a machine with beer sold at $5 a pop, just to see Michael have that debate with himself.   Cliff assumed Michael would win this challenge since he’s never seen anyone else put so much junk in his body. I saw the fault in his prediction immediately. If crappy eating habits made you smarter, I’d be blogging for NPR.   It looked like Michael chewed up Snickers and Corn Nuts, spit them out, and rolled them into balls. Then he stuck a Cheeto in the tops, to use as toothpicks, affirming my belief that Michael is the worst “Top Chef” contestant EVER.