A long, long time ago, when I was a wee young Kiddie Flipit, I would refuse most days to go out and play with the neighborhood kids. I wasn't an outcast, really. I was just very, very lazy. Those kids ran around and jumped and yelled. No, thank you. I would watch them from the living room window like they were animals in a zoo.
There was this one badass kid, Rusty. Rusty would build ramps in the culdisac with plywood and bricks and fly off of them on his dirt bike. It was amazing to see the jumps this guy could make! Well, those ramps kept getting higher and higher, and Rusty would just smirk at the other kids and jump higher and higher. One day, he was dared to jump a couple of trash cans. I stood there in my living room window, peanut butter jar in hand, watching and waiting. BAM! Rusty fell face down on the street. Hard. Everyone froze. A couple minutes passed before Rusty got up again and everyone breathed. As he stumbled around, you could tell that there was something different about him. I mean besides the bloody broken face and the concussion. He had failed. He had been humbled. As I finished off the jar of peanut butter, I told myself I was smiling because I was happy Rusty was ok.
This week, Top Chef taught us that you can walk the walk all you want, but you have just as good a chance as anyone else of getting paralyzed in a car crash. Oooh, my pizza just got here!
We start off the day with Elia doing yoga and promising to be an emotionally stronger person. She's calm, she's centered. She's making us forget all about the chocolate faced "give them a shot of veeenager" from last week and instead using her Thanksgiving win to center her soul. Go girl. It almost gave me the self-confidence to turn off my TV and get a job and a spouse and a life, but I was instantly depressed again when they cut to Frank sitting around in his boxers. He reminds us that he's been in the top for the past few challenges, and for the past several years, he's been "the best at my field". Put on a shirt, I'm trying to binge, here.
Hungry?
Guest Judge Raphael Lunetta (Food and Wine Magazine's Best New Chef and owner of Giraffe in LA) and Padma greet the Chefs at the Farmer's Market. Padma's wearing a bright pink halter and a jingle jangle belt. She's like Latin Grammy Barbie with an added Lara Croft scar on her right arm to remind us that not only is she BEAUTIFUL, she can kick our asses. I bow down, Lakshmi. Today's Quickfire Challenge is to buy fresh ingredients from the Market and prepare a great dish without cooking anything. I was immediately turned off by this because Farmer's Market + no fire = salad, and I was holding a cream cheese wrapper in my hand. It hurt my feelings.
The Chefs seem to think that every challenge is very, very difficult, and their solution is to start running around like a bunch of aimless maniacs. This whole "running into a challenge" thing is a reality show staple Top Chef should avoid at all costs. In reality, these contestants don't run. Except for Sam. PSILUVU.
If Elton John and Clay Aiken could make babies.
Most of the Chefs are feeling more inspired once they get their hands on the food. Mia says raw corn on the cob is something everyone should have the pleasure of eating at least once in their lives. If only there was a stalk in this damned trash can...Michael doesn't ever get inspired, and today is no different. Completely bummed, he stares at the camera and shrugs. "I don't eat raw food. So like, what am I gonna do, you know?" He finds salmon jerky and watermelon, but he feels it isn't a confusing enough choice, so he grabs a yellow bell pepper on the way out. Oy.
Back in the kitchen, Frank and Michael openly hate on each other. Michael says Frank is pounding on the worktable like he's humping a gorilla, and it's causing Mike's salmon watermelon tower topple over like it's in a 7.0 earthquake. Mike says he hopes Frank gets sent home, because he's making him crazy. Frank says Michael is a hack and couldn't cook his way out of a paper sack, unless it came with a side of fries. LOL. Frank's a total prick, but at least he's funny.
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Comments (19)
They had me scared for a few minutes there, I thought a hot guy might go home!
1 of 19 | Posted by Strock9
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Posted on December 11, 2006 6:27 AM
I LOVE Elia, she totally deserved the win!
Now on to the hating: I hate Marcel and his stupid meringue hairdo. If he hadn't been eye-f*#$ing the judge, that watermelon "steak" would never have won. And his attempt at being a surfer, duuuude, was pathetic.
Padma's stylist should be shot. Immediately. Homegirl looked like one of those whorish Bratz dolls in that beach getup.
2 of 19 | Posted by MissKatrina
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Posted on December 11, 2006 6:28 AM
I actually thought Marcel was funny this week... but you forgot to mention his "Immunity Dance" and how he wants to have it over and over again? Love his immunity jig...
Waiting for the return of Ugly Betty....
3 of 19 | Posted by slutty_whore
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Posted on December 11, 2006 6:32 AM
I am officially pulling for Marcel now. NOBODY can be this quirky and not have a master plan to pull off the big win!
Anyone of the bottom three this week could have gone home because their FOOD SUCKED! I did think Cliff's display of "you ain't sending me home' rant was more threatening that emotionally based, but then again I may be off.
Marcel and the dance.... I CANNOT BELEIVE YOU DID NOT COMMENT FLIPIT....
and Michael, dear Michael... I hear McDonalds in New Orleans is offering $10 bucks an hour...beginning salary with a hiring bonus.......check it out!
4 of 19 | Posted by GIFFORDSAZ
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Posted on December 11, 2006 7:42 AM
WTF is swaniet? That's not even phonetic.
If you're going to base a joke AND a screen cap on a contestant's lame choice of vocab, you should at least know how to spell it.
SOIGNEE.
5 of 19 | Posted by elljay8
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Posted on December 11, 2006 8:59 AM
"...leaving him a scared little boy in a comb headband." Loved it, Flipit. Loved it.
6 of 19 | Posted by jfn
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Posted on December 11, 2006 9:17 AM
If I only based jokes on what I could spell, the top chef blog would be very, very short.
Heart,
Phlipitt
7 of 19 | Posted by Flipit
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Posted on December 11, 2006 9:34 AM
Just some random thoughts...
I didn't mind Cliff the whole season until this episode when he started going on a tirade about how he isn't going home. His cockiness in those few moments was worse than anything Marcel did all season.
I hope next season they choose someone a little more jolly to host the show, someone who seems as though they actually eat food. Ina Garten would be fantastic. Katie Joel was a robot and Padma just wears tiny clothes and repeats (seductively and more slowly) the exact things that the other judges say.
My ideal top 3 are Elan, Elia, and Marcel.
8 of 19 | Posted by cherin
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Posted on December 11, 2006 9:39 AM
Great recap Flipit! Despite your misspellings, I loved your recap. I was sad to see my crush (Sam) in the bottom 3, but glad to see Frank pack his knives.
Is anyone else annoyed with that French (Mexican) bitch Elia? She is so up her own ass. I hope the "flavors" are good there!
Oh well, keep up the good work Flipit!
9 of 19 | Posted by HokieJM
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Posted on December 11, 2006 9:41 AM
I just love that Mia always thinks she has an edge in every challenge. At least being a barbeque-ologist helped her this week!
Glad to see Frank pack his knives; "Memoirs of a Gentleman". Too funny, Flipit, too funny.
I loved the Marcel immunity dance. I hope he sticks around awhile longer, if only to give me someone to laugh at! I was laughing so hard at his 'surfer speak' I had to pause the DVR.
10 of 19 | Posted by Barfly
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Posted on December 11, 2006 10:05 AM
i, for one, loooooove your recaps flipit. misspelled words and all.
11 of 19 | Posted by pjtvqueen
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Posted on December 11, 2006 10:06 AM
"Michael questioned Marcel's maturity, saying he acts like he's sixteen. Then he farted."
Call me lowbrow, but that was my favorite line of the recap by far.
Sam's such a shithead. That's twice now when he's been in the bottom two and tried to defend himself by talking smack about other contestants. What a tool. Go wash your hair
Glad Frank and his overinflated ego and his saggy bitchtits are outta there.
Why is Ilan so obsessed with Marcel? Seriously...for somebody who's an obvious front-runner he sure kvetches a lot about somebody's who's only won one challenge. Marcel was hilarious with his dumb surfer-speak and his immunity dance.
12 of 19 | Posted by LaSexorcisto
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Posted on December 11, 2006 11:45 AM
It's official - Flipit you are my favorite recapper. I don't seem to be able to catch this show on a regular basis, but all I need to do is read your recap - which is probably better than the show - and I'm all caught up. I like the whole parable thing too. Did you really eat a whole jar of peanut butter?
Yikes! Luv you!
13 of 19 | Posted by gotogirl
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Posted on December 11, 2006 12:23 PM
I think I may have missed this, but I get the feeling Gail doesn't like overcooked and rubbery eggs.
14 of 19 | Posted by Ubiquitous
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Posted on December 11, 2006 12:45 PM
Why does DiabeticBoy Sam wearing those ugly tee's and why was he wearing one that said "Almond Joi's Aunt"?
Padmama needs a "What Not To Wear" intervention. WTF was that beach ensemble? Gail needs to stop repeating herself a thousand times (yea - we get you don't like brown rubbery eggs). Chef Tom still needs to come up with some quotable quotes...yawn!
hb
15 of 19 | Posted by HoneyBunny
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Posted on December 11, 2006 12:47 PM
OK OK. I avoided the monkey dance. To make it up to you, here is Marcel's family's reaction back home.
Heart
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Rwe7e8sRV2A
16 of 19 | Posted by Flipit
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Posted on December 11, 2006 4:05 PM
Great episode. Great recap, Flipit. SO GLAD to see Frank go. He just seems like a cheesy Jersey hack with enough years in the Suburban Trenches to be able to throw something up there. His tattoo is worse than Svetlana's (for Duel fans), and the way he threatened Marcel with a glass of wine(!) was childish and reeked of Jersey Shore Machismo.
As for Michael, he's EASILY my favorite contestant. Listen...it's obvious he won't win, so can't we all sit back and enjoy him while he's around? Regardless of his skills (which I imagine are better than showcased thus far), he seems to have the best grasp on the other contestants' personae. He's the funniest one there (discounting Marcel's Unintentional Comedy...like the surfer-talk. Wow. I had to pause my TiVo to let the waves of embarassment pass over me) and as such, Michael should be cherished. Like when he told the Friday's guy he cooked at Chili's? Priceless. Or when he threw the quickfire challenge (candybars) because it's only for immunity and he was gonna lose anyway? I love that guy almost as much as I love CT (again...for Duel fans).
Elia should cruise to Final 3, along with Ilan and Sam. No way they "let" Marcel win it. Although I suppose he could slide into the finals.
17 of 19 | Posted by dizzlevizzle
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Posted on December 11, 2006 5:09 PM
I really am not a padma fan... I was bitching about the scar and my friend (who loves her) said it was part of her "allure"... so whatever, I think she's probably retarded.
Cliff didn't handle that well, but whatev, nobody does.
My faves: Sam, Cliff, Ilan
I will stop watching if Marcel is on much longer. Every second he is on screen makes me want to scream.
SIGH. I miss Lost and Project Runway.
18 of 19 | Posted by MalloryS
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Posted on December 12, 2006 8:26 AM
I never knew her name was Gail..i thought it was Fucking Bitch.
Gail's a classic example of someone who studied food in college..textbooks theories and all. I suspect she's married to a Somelier, after the first fiance left her in a Mickey D's..
I thought you'd mention the From Here to Eternity moment on the beach with Elia and Marcel. I got indigestion having to witness his pasty body topped with that bouffant running after elia. Tho I do think they make a miserable..i mean wonderful couple.
19 of 19 | Posted by dredge
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Posted on December 12, 2006 8:12 PM