This week on Top Chef, everyone's got their mind in the gutter.
So that bubble bath thing... could I get in on that, dude?
After some obvious statements from the contestants - Ryan's exit means the fug quotient is at an all-time high, if you screw up you're probably going home (unless you're Nikki evidently), and lesbian power lives on - we jump right into this week's Quick Fire challenge. The contestants walk in and immediately notice the diabetic nightmare spread before them - a table laden with every dessert imaginable. Nikki in particular is excited, since she's got a huge sweet tooth. Between that and her love of pasta, how is this woman not 400 pounds?
Scar introduces the guest judge - Freddie Prinze, Jr. No, wait. It's actually Johnny Iuzzini, the executive pastry chef at Jean-Georges in Manhattan. So much for that brief effort of actually utilizing Chicago talent. But he's kinda hot, so I'll roll with it. Scar reminds all the contestants that desserts are traditionally their Achilles' Heel (judging by his furrowed brow, a term that confuses Evangelos), and of course this challenge is to make a dessert in 90 minutes that isn't just a scoop of ice cream and/or taste like crap. The winner gets immunity and their recipe included in the Top Chef cookbook.
And off they go. Antonia is worried because she was too stupid to come prepared for this competition with a dessert recipe, which just annoys me. It's like those morons who show up on Survivor and have never tried making fire. Seriously? After a show's been on a few seasons, you'd think the contestants would take note of what things are practically guaranteed to come up and, I don't know, prepare for them! You bet your ass that if I ever get selected for The Amazing Race, you'll see me and my partner rowing up and down the Chicago River - that is until CPD arrests us. Ugh, stupidity makes me cranky.
Dale, understanding this evidently difficult concept, has come prepared with a shaved ice recipe. Lisa, who is looking dirtier than usual if that's even possible, complains to us that baking is much more precise than cooking, since while you can fix cooking mistakes as you go along, if you make a baking mistake, there's no going back. For example, she says, if you forget to put baking powder in bread, you're fucked. And an idiot.
Now where did I put that flower...?
Richard did not come prepared to do dessert, so he's making it up as he goes along. While chopping bananas, he has the epiphany that bananas look like scallops (?), and therefore he's going to make banana scallops (??) since he's so witty (???). Evangelos, meanwhile, brags to us about having a chocolate molten cake recipe ready to go, but has decided to wing it with a soufflé instead. Brilliant move, douche, to throw your advantage of preparation completely out the window.
Scar calls time, and the evaluations begin. Evangelos is first with his pineapple rum raisin soufflé, which looks absolutely awful due to messy presentation complete with dingleberries. Hottie Johnny doesn't comment on the taste, but praises Evangelos for taking a risk. Richard's banana scallops are up next, which he's serving with guacamole and a glob of chocolate ice cream that looks like baby poop. Scar comments that the flavors are strange and delicious, and Richard eats it up. Pun intended.
Beasty has made a simple chocolate cake and some delicious-looking frozen chocolate-covered banana bites, which seem to go over okay. Twitch's dish is banana and chocolate ravioli, which is a bit disturbing but nowhere on the same level as banana scallops. Nikki's gone with a buttermilk cake, and has a very whimsical presentation that Scar appreciates. And Yoda's made a chocolate cake covered with a salted basil ganache.
Dale's shaved ice dessert wound up being a pale green mixture of ice, avocado, mango, kiwi and nuts. While Dale's dish seems successful, Lisa's is a hot, bloody-looking mess. She's made a yogurty-fruity blob on top of fried wontons, as well as a dirty-looking drink surrounded by tacky rose petals. When she borrowed the flower from Mutton, she should have also checked out his presentation, for it's adorable. I don't even care what these pavolas actually taste like - this is just so damn cute it's my pick for the win. Antonia is the last one to be evaluated, and self-consciously mocks her bruleed lemon curd and lemon cake. Smooth.
Somewhat similar to what I imagine a yogurt parfait would look like if you left it out for a week.
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Comments (12)
Not enough beef fat in the world can make tofu something I'd look forward to eating! And I fully agree that snarky Antonia should have gone home instead of Jen. But I don't think Jen would have made it too much farther in the competition anyway, so it's probably not a huge deal.
Something somewhere has to pop Richard's douchey ego soon or he will be out of control!
Too bad this isn't filmed live, or I'd be able to drive over to that brownstone and sacrifice a few squirrels to the food gods to get Nikki and Spike the heck out of Dodge asap!! And maybe aim a hose at Lisa to get at least the top layer clean!
Great recap - thanks!
1 of 12 | Posted by ChicagoGal | Posted on April 29, 2008 6:56 AM
Ahh..douche twins - priceless!!
Loved the recap - again
I am sad to see Beasty go - I thought this was really the first dish she boned, so to see her go before Chef Boyardee (Nikki)
or Evangel-ass kinda pissed me off. But at least she gave me some good laughs before she left by basically propositioning Yoda for some hot lesbian sex!
Those two were flirting more than I do with the interns in my office after a few glasses of wine!
I hope Ricky (...imagine how pissed he would get if people called him Ricky!!haha) gets the boot soon, totally based on his jank personality instead of skill, yeah I said it!
2 of 12 | Posted by carmelicious | Posted on April 29, 2008 12:14 PM
Kudos for successfully carrying Antonia's vomit bit through the recap..
LOL
3 of 12 | Posted by StuckInAStrangeDream | Posted on April 29, 2008 1:03 PM
Speaking of snark, I found it a little humorous that Mutton was ragging on Richard about the pink shirt instead of concentrating on how to evade the local Health Dept.
I too was kind of sad to see Beasty go, but it was only a matter of time, oh well. It was hard to choose who should have went home, but did anybody see the face Lisa had at Judges Table? Holy Shit! She looked like she was going to rip the face off of somebody.
My final three so far is Dale, Richard, and Yoda. If there's a fourth to round it out, I would have to say it will be Evangel-ass (I like that one) and my elimination pick is going to be Antonia. Why I don't know, just a gut feeling. I can't wait until tomorrow.
I wanted to mention this last week about beer. I too love Stella Artois, but have pretty much stopped buying it because of those cheesy 11.2 ounce bottles. It may only be an ounce, but at what they charge, they should give the full 12 oz.
4 of 12 | Posted by snorwich | Posted on April 29, 2008 1:07 PM
Hi, this is my first time posting.
Can I ask why Andrew is on your doggie list? Other than his little outburst during 'Block Party', he's been endearing.
Spike, okay, I can see.
BTW, can you come up with some douchy name for Lisa? More than anyone, she deserves it.
5 of 12 | Posted by hutchlover | Posted on April 29, 2008 1:59 PM
^^^^^^^^
How about "dirty whiny bitch"? Honestly, I cannot stand how much she complains.
Also, I almost wasn't sorry to see Beasty go....if she had said "I'm doing this for Zoi" one more time, I would have thrown a shoe through the TV. How 'bout Zoi doing it for Zoi?
I did catch Richard calling her "my sister" when they were hugging good-bye. I guess they all noticed the resemblance, too : )
6 of 12 | Posted by marishka | Posted on April 29, 2008 2:27 PM
Hutchlover, you've got me thinking of nicknames, but I'll leave it to the brilliant LoLo!!! Great recap!!!! I feel like you're channeling flip it and fozzie, and believe you me, that's a compliment!!!!!
Sorry to see Beasty go . . . I'll miss her shark fin, ok, maybe not, do you think it was the table kicking outburst that got her knocked out . . . I did think that was too far . . . at least she'll be back with Zoi, and I was going to tire of her doing things for her, plus . . . isn't it easier to be vaginal, as it concerns food . . .
7 of 12 | Posted by juddfan | Posted on April 29, 2008 2:52 PM
I totally thought that beasty got robbed at the end there. It seemed like DT et al were making shit up to keep Antonia and Lisa around. How could one of them NOT get eliminated when they completely ignored the challenge, unlike Yoda and Beasty? Plus, Lisa's FU face would be enough for me to kick her off. Oh why am I not a judge?
When Richard made his "witty" comment my first thought was, "if you have to tell the world you are witty, well, then you aren't." My DH said he was thinking the exact same thing. Maybe it's the douche triplets?
8 of 12 | Posted by zbird | Posted on April 29, 2008 9:29 PM
hutchlover: I'd like to suggest Lisa be nicknamed "Fleasa" and all that it implies.
LOLO: Love, Love, Love "Douche Twins." Perfect!
9 of 12 | Posted by xqzmoi | Posted on April 30, 2008 7:53 AM
Wow - Fleasa could NOT be MORE PERFECT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I second that!
10 of 12 | Posted by carmelicious | Posted on April 30, 2008 10:20 AM
"I don't even care what these pavolas actually taste like - this is just so damn cute it's my pick for the win."
I DO know what pavlovas taste like (incredible) and there is no way in the wide wide world of sports that those little piles of eggwhite and sugar were not, in actual fact, MERINGUES.
Rather than the divine and slow-cooked foamy goodness that is genuine pavlova.
For my recipe, do a search for
la.foodblogging [dot]com
bugger-the-barbie-how-to-make-a-pavlova/
11 of 12 | Posted by Donna Martin Graduates! | Posted on April 30, 2008 12:37 PM
Altho it was fairly arrogant to refuse to cook polish sausage (the first thing I thought of was polish sausage + beer = too obvious), of all the challenges, this was the one they should have been able to get away with it, citing the 'improv' theme.
BTW they did chorizo instead of polish sausage, but the fish component probably confused matters.
And yeah, drinking your tequila shot and not offering one to the diners was a massive 'fuck you'.
Grounds for dismissal on that alone.
12 of 12 | Posted by Donna Martin Graduates! | Posted on April 30, 2008 1:48 PM