Welcome, Gasmii, to Top Chef Season 4! I'm so excited to be recapping one of my favorite shows, and look forward to reveling in the talent, stupidity, and arrogance of these 16 chefs with y'all! I'll be the first to admit I don't know shit about the culinary arts - fine dining for me is eating at a real table instead of on my couch - but I do know what looks appetizing, and that when Colicchio looks like he's going to vomit, it's never a good sign. I think that's all the qualifications I need. With that out of the way, let's begin the show!
I've missed you, Scar!
Okay, everyone always looks like a douchebag in these Bravo opening credits sequences, thanks to the asinine lines the producers make them say or the fact the poses they strike were last seen at a Special O fashion show. But even knowing this, I still take an instant dislike to Erik, the middle-aged bald dude/Stone Cold Steve Austin impersonator.
Top Douche
We open with gratuitous shots of Chicago, my hometown (holla!) and the stage for this year's competition. The contestants begin arrive, and we're first introduced to Ryan. Ryan's parents aren't big fans of child labor laws, having thrown his ass in a hot kitchen at age 11 for some free manual labor. Luckily for Ryan it turns out he was a good cook, and Pop got to fire two of those whiny employees who were always complaining about paychecks and humane working environments or whatnot. At least Ryan got a better deal than his sister, Melanie. Those Asian sweatshops were no place for a 4-year-old.
Up next is Nimma, who babbles about her family's expectations and bores me instantly. This brings us to Zoi, which is the most annoying spelling of a name I've seen in a while. She tells us that she thinks she'll bring a "softer" side to the competition, and evidently this means Pig Head Soup. If only Jack and the hunters had been that resourceful, that whole "Lord of the Flies" book would have totally ended differently.
New Zealander Mark is next, and he's living the American dream - making a fresh start with only $200 and a backpack, while growing a bitch-ass set of mutton chops. It's opportunities like that that make this country grand.
The chefs arrive at Pizzeria Uno, and begin fawning all over it while I roll my eyes. Seriously, that stuff is way overrated. If you want some good Chicago pizza, try Giordano's or Lou Malnati's. I walk past both Pizzeria Uno and Pizzeria Due on my way to school each day, and there are always hoards of tourists spilling out all over the sidewalks, willing to wait 2+ hours for a table. If I'm going to wait that long for a pizza, it better be stuffed with cheese and $20 bills. I hate those people - stupid and in my way.
Anyway, the introductions continue with faux (but not bald) hawked Richard, who's all about the chemical cooking, a la Marcel. Confession time: I loved that little monkey. We then meet Jennifer, who apparently is Richard's twin, faux-hawked sister. Seriously, they're both even the same age - maybe their mom separated them at birth?
Faces not even their mother loved
Erik lives up to my Top Douche declaration by walking in with a plaid shirt-diamond printed fedora combo. He's loud and arrogant, and wants to use $5k of the prize money on a dilapidated shack in Hawaii, and $95k on a collection of flip-flops and Aloha shirts. Somehow I'm not surprised.
Andrew introduces himself next, and starts dropping f-bombs immediately and there's not even anything to be pissed off about yet. Well, except for having to eat at Pizzeria Uno. He became a chef because he wanted people to "taste his passion." Does that mean he became a chef to get a lot of blow jobs? I'm confused.
Stephanie's a hometown girl who seems sweet and cute, but I predict will quickly get on my nerves and/or have a nervous breakdown. For one thing, she's evidently obsessed with Yoda, and sports a Yoda t-shirt and backpack in her audition video, and even has an oversized Yoda Pez dispenser. She then tells us she has a tendency to get nervous, which you know is going to be an understatement. Yoda's going to need the force to keep her shit together.
I will remain calm in the Quick Fires... I will remain calm in the Quick Fires...
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Comments (14)
Great recap LoLo! I don't have any favs yet, but Andrew and Dale have gotten on my nerves already. I can't wait to see the epi they've been showing in promos when Andrew says that security is going to have to drag him out in order to get him to leave. A beatdown is just what that m**herf**ker needs.
And I'm glad Nimma's gone, she was a snooze. She'd already added garlic, thyme and lemon zest to the shrimp, so the salt should have been used very sparingly. Any cook who doesn't know that deserves to be the first to go.
I'm not sure why the lesbian couple had to be so dramatic about their announcement that they were a couple. Like LoLo pointed out, the judges make the elimination decisions so there's no real advantage for them, unless they help each other cheat or something. From the ta-da! expressions on their faces as they made the announcement, you'd think they'd revealed they had pics of Collicchio with them in a threesome. Now that's what you'd call a Top Chef advantage.
1 of 14 | Posted by greeneyes | Posted on March 14, 2008 2:49 PM
Great recap! I totally agree with your assessments. I even nicknamed Andrew "Twitch" during the show. What a moron. How do people like him and Nimma even get this far to begin with? Do you suppose the producers deliberately pick a couple of losers just for laughs and giggles?
Now, the advantage for the couple, as I see it, is that those two automatically have a comfort level that the others don't. And with the revelation of allowing chef's to bring their own spices and such, these two probably collaborated giving them a larger selection than anyone else.
Besides, it comes across as very "Big Brother" to me. Will we have all couples next time? This show is so good that the producers shouldn't "f" it up with their stupid spins and "twists."
2 of 14 | Posted by xqzmoi | Posted on March 14, 2008 4:45 PM
You're not the only one who thinks Anthony Bourdain is sexy. I'm not ashamed to admit it. And I'm sober when I watch.
3 of 14 | Posted by watermelon | Posted on March 14, 2008 6:44 PM
Thanks for the fast (and funny) recap. My tape ended right before they announced who was going home, so I've been waiting to find out. And now that I know it was Nimma, I am glad. I didn't like her for some reason. They need to wash out Twitch's (I like that one) mouth with some soap. What a maroon!!
I'm so glad that Daddy Tom is back, oh yeah, and Top Chef too. LOL
4 of 14 | Posted by featherhead | Posted on March 15, 2008 8:31 AM
You are so right about Jennifer and Richard looking like siblings. Maybe they are and it's a secret like Big Brother. You just never know....
5 of 14 | Posted by featherhead | Posted on March 15, 2008 8:34 AM
Great recap (and agreed, so quick!) I didn't know how got the boot either, so glad to be able to read :)
I'm really curious about the Marmite pizza. Has anyone else actually tasted it? WOW, lets just call it interesting (and by that, I mean, nasty!) But here's to you Australia for stickin' with it!
Really looking forward to all the hometown locales we might get to see ... no favorites yet ... but got a lot to go!
See you all next week!
6 of 14 | Posted by chelle | Posted on March 15, 2008 10:28 AM
Was it just me, or did everyone seems to have pirate mouths in the confessionals?
Bleep bleep- and then I -bleep bleep- when they -bleeeeeeeeep..........
I have a dirty mouth, so I can relate, but it was almost to the point where you didn't even know what they were saying because of the bleeps!
Oh, and they all say the word mutherf***er alot.
Just some observations. Good job Lolo! Ya Mother f***er!!!
7 of 14 | Posted by MargotTenenbaum | Posted on March 15, 2008 6:16 PM
YAY! Anthony Disdain! He *is* sexy, in a junkie kinda way. Plus, he's erudite.
I thought Nimma deserved the axe for making inedible (and boring-looking) food.
I had no idea what Chicken Piccata was, but would have guessed tomato, bell pepper and hot chilli flakes (instead of lemon, capers, white wine and butter sauce) -- so wrong!
I've eaten Marmite. I grew up eating Vegemite and it's definitely an acquired taste but fantastic on buttered toast. Actually I prefer Promite -- they're all a salty, black yeast-based spread, but I think Promite is the least salty.
I wouldn't risk it on a pizza, though... I dunno - p'raps I should experiment!
Thanks heaps for the swift and funny recap LoLo!
8 of 14 | Posted by Donna Martin Graduates! | Posted on March 16, 2008 11:58 PM
sorry - I meant *ex*junkie!
9 of 14 | Posted by Donna Martin Graduates! | Posted on March 16, 2008 11:59 PM
LoLo, I'm with you on the Giordano's love. Even their thin crust pizza is out of this world!!!!
10 of 14 | Posted by wintersux | Posted on March 17, 2008 6:04 AM
So, I'm a Top Chef newbie - and after watching this season premiere I don't understand how I've never seen this show before! Its awesome - especially because LoLo is doing the recaps! (the reason I got hooked on the 'gasm was her TilaTequila recaps!)
Anyway - although it is a bit early to pass judgement - that is what I do best, so here are my thoughts!
Erik - I've worked at more restaurants then I want to admit, and there is always some guy behind the line that looks exactly like him - that I tried to hook up with in the walk-in - so I'm rooting for him! (I also like the fact that he made a "traditional" pizza with f'ing cheese and sausage instead of going nuts with weird toppings)
I like the girl that made eggs benedict - I feel like she'd be a great roommate, and would always make me a greasy breakfast after a night of drinking -
Dale's kinda funny cause he is sooo intense (oh - and hilarious photo-cap btw!)
And finally, I kinda like Ryan for the simple fact that instead of like asking someone or consulting a cook-book at whole foods, he just made some shit and called it chicken piccata - I mean - that takes balls!
11 of 14 | Posted by carmelicious | Posted on March 17, 2008 7:26 AM
I'm voting Ryan for top douche!!! What a maroon! (tnx featherhead!) First of all, Chicken Piccata is one of my faves, and even tho I'm nooooo chef, it would be a blast to experiment with the lemony-saltiness. MUST have capers! Anyhoo, he's TD for not admitting he got it wrong, and laughing it off--I don't like losah's who cling to the mistake/lie way past the point of expiration--and Daddy Tom no likey now . . . I prefer the lesbian twin to her bro, but I do like his toys! 3 words for Nimma--cauliflower side dishes! I wasn't a hater tho, like last season, clearly out of her league and first to go--it's kind of sad when they're led to the slaughter . . .
12 of 14 | Posted by juddfan | Posted on March 17, 2008 1:15 PM
oops, great recap LOLO! I'm w/ ya on the wine viewing, loved your nicknames, and I'd definitely hit me some DT too!!!!
13 of 14 | Posted by juddfan | Posted on March 17, 2008 1:18 PM
Thanks everyone for the great comments! I'm excited for tonight -- looks like they're at the Lincoln Park Zoo! I'm kinda hoping some lion does us all a favor and takes a swipe at Twitch (thanks xqzmoi)...
14 of 14 | Posted by LoLo | Posted on March 19, 2008 9:27 AM