This week on Top Chef, an old lady wets herself, Hosea reinvents butter, and that weird kid from Jerry Maguire grows up and names a restaurant after a can of oil.
Did you know that the sky is blue cuz it reflects the sea?
Previously, Hosea was jealous of Stefan's winning Ripert over with his eel peel and Turtle got sent on a veeeery slow trek back to the San Fran Zoo. We start off this week with Hosea, Stefan and Fabio talking on the balcony in t-shirts with way too much print on them. It's annoying because I press pause to read them and then they say stupid shit like this.
Just look to your left.
Stefan is really romantic about Turtle's departure, saying he's glad she got her stout ass sent home because she sucked hard last week and deserved it and now he has one less dude to compete with. He acts all tough but you know he would have squealed like a pig had Turtle ever pulled out her bag o tricks and pounded him like he'd been wanting.
Possible Stalker Leah tells us that she became a chef because she failed out of college and got a job in some restaurant where no one expected her to string together coherent sentences in English. I'll bet she was passed around that first kitchen like a cold. She says that winning Top Chef would be validation of her talent. LOL sorry not gonna happen. Try Community.
Beaker tries to psyche Stefan up into believing in himself in the living room. Yeah, you're sweet, but I don't think self doubt is Stefan's problem. He misses Turtle. Beaker tells us that she used to be a model and started buying cookbooks and eventually decided to be a chef. Uh....I love Beaker so before I diss her and ask what country she was a model in...
HAWT
...I'll do a Google search. She was telling the truth after all! Model on, sister!
Beaker says that she is here to inspire women to start following their dreams no matter how late it is in life. You're gonna inspire a lot of women who should never be models to show up at modeling agencies everywhere, is what you're gonna do. And I'm all for it!
I'm here to see Mr. Wilhelmina, please.
When they get to the Could Burn Down At Any Second Kitchen, Scar is waiting with Jonathan Lipnicki from Jerry Maguire, who is all grown up now and owns a restaurant called WD-50. Worst restaurant name ever. Well, it could be worse. WD-40 was already trademarked. That place is probably filled with customers who just want to get their creaky doors fixed.
D'you know that the human head weighs 8 pounds?
Lipnicki is all about molecular gastronomy these days. Scar awkwardly says "so, Lipnicki, you're pretty famous for your obsession with eggs" and he's all "did you know that a fresh egg will sink in water but a stale one will not?" and she's all "uhhh....." He goes on to tell the chefs that he is, in fact, obsessed with eggs and thinks that a good chef should be able to make good eggs. An egg challenge! NO FAIR! Gail Simmons has to come back for this one just to bring her old moldy "BURT CHARRED RUBBERY" monologue out of the attic. Gail, wherever you are, we love you.
Fabio is desperate for a win because he hasn't had one yet, so he goes the Prettyish route and decides to make a three component dish. He's gonna start with some molecular gastro egg yolk in a vat of chemicals creation, then move on to a dessert that representa da egg, and finally he's gonna make soup and put it in an egg shell. That idea went over well when Stefan used it a few weeks ago. Stealing from an egg head on an egg challenge. Wrong. In case he fails, he has a plan B.
I weela bryba da Scar and offer heer a line of dees offa my bonabon.
Hosea wants to do a take on Japanese food and decides to make a sushi roll but use a thin layer of egg white instead of seaweed and rice. He's wrapping this around asparagus and salmon. Cold egg and asparagus. Sounds delicious. He's also going to add a tempura fried egg. I think he said something else but I couldn't stop flinching every time they showed his big gross sweaty head.
Possible Stalker Leah's Eye View
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Comments (18)
I love you Flip, you make me laugh until I cry so I tell you this with love ... look up squab in the dictionary.
1 of 18 | Posted by Quean CeCe | Posted on February 13, 2009 6:58 AM
I lost count of the times I laughed out loud while reading this recap. Thank you for noting the dewy, soft lens they used, especially for octogenarian Pepin. I thought something was wrong with my TV.
Soooo glad the Stalker is gone. Seriously the editors hate her too. Did you see her ask some dude at Whole Foods where the butter and eggs were? Haven't they shopped there quite a bit already? Even if not, could she really not figure this out herself? Hate! She's given some post-booting bitter interviews saying she hates Toby (yay!), her boyfriend dumped her for kissing Hosea (yay!), she had never put a plate together from start to finish before the show (no kidding!), and she doesn't regret kissing Hosea (yuck!)
Btw, Fabio said he was like "a flash, zip, zip, zip" not Fletch.
2 of 18 | Posted by real_atlanta_girl | Posted on February 13, 2009 7:19 AM
Well done as usual, Flipit! While watching this epi, I was thinking of you - there was some great fodder this week.
But what I totally did not see coming was your screencap about PS Leah's "eye view" of HOSEa'a bald head. OMG, hilarity ensued when I read that.
Was it just me, or did PS Leah look HAPPY to be cut loose? Honestly, she looked like she won instead of being told to pack her knives. Good riddance to the pouts, baby talk, stalking and poor cooking skills.
I was nervous for Beak when Juanita and Ronda were reading Dr. Seuss - thought that might backfire on our girl, but she pulled it off. Great job, and loved her "See ya!" tortise impersonation.
I found Fabio charming early on, then he began to grate on me a bit - but he was a total class act in this epi. He even hid his broken finger while serving dinner and at Judges Table - as if to not emphasize his injury so he could be judged on his food alone. You know that HOSEa would have had his arm in a sling and blame everything on his injury. LOVED his saying "clever" for cleaver when he was "cut ting up da cheeken widda clever like Chason." And the new shirt will have to be "It's Top Chef, not Top Pussy" - classic!
I'm totally over Toby (sorry Juddfan :-)) and it appears that our Tom-Tom is too. He makes sourpuss faces whenever Toby monologues.
It was good to see Stephan get a little humble pie - there is such a thing as overconfidence. Hoping for a Stephan, Carla, Fabio F3!
THANKS Flip for the morning laugh!!!
3 of 18 | Posted by njgasmifan | Posted on February 13, 2009 8:08 AM
I thought the lady's name was Susan UNGARO, not LINGARO... but whatevs, since she doesn't matter in the long run.
I'm so glad that Beaker and Fabio have survived, and I hope that Hosea is gone next week. He doesn't really do anything well, other than Leah, and he doesn't deserve to be in the finals.
My ranking for final 4:
4th- Hosea
3rd- Fabio
2nd- Carla
1st- Stefan
I think that any of the chefs have to cook at their absolute best to beat Stefan at this point, which is not going to happen, especially with what looks like sabotage in the next episode with the usual Top Chef "who turned the burners down?" mystery.
Flipit, another great recap and I love you so much! Thanks so much for being my Facebook friend! I feel like I know a celebrity!
4 of 18 | Posted by slutty_whore | Posted on February 13, 2009 8:14 AM
Two things I am dumbfounded by after this episode:
1. Carla was a model?
2. Green eggs and ham wins over Stefan's dish?
This Lipinski guy is into molecular gastro cooking and Stefans to me was the closest to that type of cooking, but suddenly he is into simplicity?
BTW, Lipinski, was that a Chiapet under your shirt? He had chest hair creeping up his neck like ivy on the side of a building. A little man-scaping before going on national TV next time please.
I'd like to thank Scar for the highbeams and the judges for eliminating Leah. Still a little perplexed that Leah was eliminated when every judge disliked Stefan's dish but there were a few that didn't mind Leah's runny eggs. At this point I think the judges know who they want in the finals (and Leah wasn't one of them).
In next week's preview, did they show people in New Orleans yelling "HOOTIE HOO"? Can't wait.
Great recap as always.
5 of 18 | Posted by philo | Posted on February 13, 2009 8:53 AM
1. Squab is young pigeon not duck. :p
2. I could picture Beaker as a model. She has beautiful bone structure and is pretty when she isn't making faces.
3. When Fabio said the whole Top Pussy thing I immediately thought of you, Flip. Wait... that sounded wrong. I mean that I thought about how you must have loved that. This season is filled with material for these recaps.
4. There was a shot of the "last supper" table and Toby was seated on the end. In several renaissance images, Judas is sat apart from the others (on the end or on the other side of the table), maybe Toby is the Judas of this last supper? Or maybe they sat him on the end because then only one person would be stuck sitting beside his lame ass?
Awesome recap, as always!!
6 of 18 | Posted by Snootchy Bootches | Posted on February 13, 2009 9:33 AM
Flipit, I just have to say that your Top Chef recaps make me laugh out loud more than just about anything else on the internet! Just when I think it couldn't get any better, you give me this:
"She tells us the tortoise story again, but Juanita gets bored and breaks into Josh Grobin's "You Lift Me Up."
7 of 18 | Posted by User Name | Posted on February 13, 2009 10:32 AM
LOL - I thought Fabio said "flesh" so I thought he meant streaking.
8 of 18 | Posted by suckitbitches | Posted on February 13, 2009 12:02 PM
Snootchy Bootches: I though the same thing about Carla before Flipit said anything about. I was noticing how tall and thin she is and that in a unique, quarky way that she is very beautiful.
I hope that it is Stefan and Carla in the final two. I am shocked at the selection of chefs for this season. Most of them could not cook their way out of a paper bag. I think that Stefan is the only chef that could have competed with chefs from the other seasons. Ummm?
Fabulous recap Flipit. I keep laughing at the Big Mac line. Nice!
9 of 18 | Posted by areyoucliff | Posted on February 13, 2009 12:26 PM
guys thanks so much for reading and commenting. and i am mortified about calling squab duck. i know it's pigeon! we serve it at the restaurant i work at! so lame. that's what i get for writing these in the middle of the night. haha. HOOTIE HOO!!!
10 of 18 | Posted by flipit | Posted on February 13, 2009 2:09 PM
"I'll bet she was passed around that first kitchen like a cold." I almost spit my wine all over my computer screen when I read that. You know it's gotta be true.
11 of 18 | Posted by lajane | Posted on February 13, 2009 3:05 PM
Flipit, I'm to the point where I can't tell if I read your recaps because I watch Top Chef, or if I watch Top Chef so that I can read your recaps.
"We done here? Cuz I got a chop on the grill." Why is that making me LOL every time I see it?
HOOTIE HOO!
12 of 18 | Posted by LoraGW | Posted on February 14, 2009 7:02 AM
I think Carla is definitely "sexy-ugly" like Angelica Huston. She's what Tyra would call "exotic" (read "ugly"). Loves her though and the show wouldn't be the same without her. It must be her Tom was talking about when he said we'd be suprised who ended up in the finals.
I'm an unapologetic member of team Stefan and if he doesn't win something is very wrong in reality tv world. As far as Hosea goes... dude, get over yourself. You suck and I can't deal with it anymore.
Yeah New Orleans! Can't wait for the finals in one of my favorite places on earth. I could die happy surrounded by food in New Orleans. Loves ya Flipit!
13 of 18 | Posted by BugMom22 | Posted on February 14, 2009 11:00 AM
Pigeon, duck, who gives a ...
This recap made me laugh out loud. I heart Carla and hope she wins. And I really heart Flipit. Best recapper ever.
14 of 18 | Posted by Liberal Wag | Posted on February 15, 2009 3:39 PM
The whole time Hosea was cooking the quick fire I was wondering if sweat was dripping into the food. Totally grossed me out.
Daddy Tom was sure rockin that suit.
And please say that Toby won't be back next year. He tries to be funny(I think) but comes across as an evil mean spirited little troll with a boulder on his shoulder.
I'm rooting for Carla for the win but it probably will be a$$ hole Stefan.
Hope she wins fan favorite.
Funny recap as usual.
15 of 18 | Posted by skies | Posted on February 15, 2009 10:13 PM
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA! The picture of Beaker holding her hands "this far" apart and looking excited and amazed was BEE-YOO-TEE-FUL! Ditto the one of Carla in a burka!
Boy, I guess I never noticed what. a. fucking. SCHNOZ. Hose(a) has! Combine that with his snaggle-teeth and his schlubbiness and the only word that comes to mind is "Hawt." And "Pukeyvomit." And "Heandleahdeserveeachothersotheycanbetheasshatcouple."
Awesome job, Flipit, you knocked it out of the park... AGAIN!
love, J-Mo :)
16 of 18 | Posted by J-Mo | Posted on February 16, 2009 9:17 AM
SPOILER ALERT! (sort of)
I am watching the final part 1 and I don't care who wins this quickfire - this is not fair!
17 of 18 | Posted by Y3KPhenom | Posted on February 18, 2009 7:18 PM
Flipit, I love you, will you marry me? LOL.. this was one of the funniest recaps ever.....
18 of 18 | Posted by tracyintpa | Posted on February 25, 2009 10:15 PM