This week on Top Chef, a midget tried to bang a big girl and we found out that Fabio's way gayer than we could have ever imagined.
We open with shots of New Orleans, and it's great to see the place looking so put together. The way people are talking about it on the news I was expecting less this...
and more this...
There's an article in this week's TVGuide about the final five chefs. They included Possible Stalker Leah because we hadn't seen her get shipped back to the terrorist training camp yet. She says at first she didn't think she'd go far but then "I realized I'm better than most of the chefs here." LOL. Your on camera near handjob kept you in as long as you stayed, idiot. Anyway, she's gone now so I need to let it go.
ANYHOOZLE, Hosea is the first to arrive in New Orleans. He tells us that he's never visited before but he's been studying up on his Creole food. I can't wait to see his spicy potatoes. Fabio's next, and holy goodness, doesn't this guy have a wife? Why is he dressed like Rizzo from Grease?
Welcome to a land of funnier accents than yours, Pink Lady!
Then we get a closeup. What happened to his hair!? Social Services needs to get to his home stat and take custody away from the wife. This is immigrant husband abuse.
The NoHawk
He says that his restaurant's business has been great since the show aired but "I NEED TYDEL!" Beaker's next, and she has a band playing for her, because she's the only one who would appreciate it. And appreciate it she does.
And she has new hair!! I hope it gets really humid and hot today so that straight mane will be back to the Sideshow Bob fro we've all come to know and love. She knows that she's still the underdog, but hopes that having Ronda and Juanita the spirit guides on her side, plus being from the South and knowing the food, will get her the prize. In New Orleans, you need to cook with heart, soul, and crazy. She's got them all in spades.
Stefan is last. He tells us that he's great and he knows he's great and even though it will be the Euro'sin the finale, he's gonna be the one to cash the check. Then he's gonna buy a bag of toys and hamburger shirts to woo Turtle until she agrees to let him turkey baste her with a tiny eggheaded baby. Stefan is supposed to be the villain, I guess, but I love him. And here's why:
I've been working on gratin.
The chefs jump into their Ford Focus and make their way to a giant place called Houma's House while Beaker talks about New Orleans' melting pot of cultures. I don't know if that's for our sake or if she's just warning the two skinheads in the car to watch their mouths.
That's great. I hope you've got a hat in there too Nazi Nate.
Daddy Tom and Scar are waiting for them on the front lawn with Rosie O'Donnell! And she's not wearing any makeup.
Turtle, wherever you are, this guest judge is dedicated to you.
What ees a koosh?
There are only three tables on the lawn, which immediately worries Beaker because knowing this show, they'll have to pick knives to see who's gonna be in the finale. I wouldn't put it past them. HOLY SHIT! No knife picking today! These four aren't even going to have to compete. Tom explains that in the spirit of New Orleans' rebirth, the kicked off three are getting another chance to compete! It's the first ever Top Chef Wild Card Edition! I hope that crazy bitch Tatiana from American Idol shows up to compete. EW! It's worse! Possible Stalker Leah and Prettyish Boy Jeff. And (yay) TURTLE!! I'm surprised Prettyish showed up after complaining that the producers used him as a tawdry sex object. One question, how else are they supposed to use you, you soulless mindless little twerp? If you didn't work out you never would have made it on the show in the first place. Or into the Dildo Beach Club, for that matter. Deep breaths. Think positive. I hope he runs today!
Turtle and Possible Stalker Leah have smartened up this time around after seeing themselves look like dog shit on national TV. From the neck up, Turtle's gone Lipstick on us, and she looks really cute. She's wearing the lipstick bullet t-shirt again. but it makes more sense with the new face and hair.
Might wanna trade scarves with Fabio, though.
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Comments (42)
Ive been a fan for long time flipit and not one to comment ever but I have to say you are the best and you just get better every week. HILARIOUS thank you!! I love these recaps BB and Idol also you really do make these shows better for a fan like me. I dont think there was a single sentence that didnt make me smile or laugh out loud this whole recap. Thanks again and dont ever stop please
1 of 42 | Posted by koolazzfcuk | Posted on February 20, 2009 4:32 AM
ok I guess once ya start to comment its hard to stop but I had to add that I actually got misty eyed when Carla won and was also so proud of her and I dont think that would have happened had I not gotten to know Juanita and Rhonda thru you this season and I love you and her for that...way to commit!! lol and I thought of forwarding this to a friend but the inside jokes might be to plentiful for a newbie this into the season so I linked her to your Idol recap Im sure she will fast become a fan also.
2 of 42 | Posted by koolazzfcuk | Posted on February 20, 2009 4:50 AM
Oh Flipit, I heart you! I immediately thought of you when I saw the crawfish suicide on Wednesday night!!I'm so glad you had that in there.
The Beaker Muppet Show March? LMFAO.
Cooking with Hosea? I freaking choked when I read that. Although, there is nothing exotic about him - I bet he tastes like potatoes. :)
I could go on and on, but I'll just reread the recap instead!! You started my day off the perfect way!!!
3 of 42 | Posted by PottyMouth | Posted on February 20, 2009 5:50 AM
I always love your recaps! But I have to say, this time around the Rosie references were just OVERKILL! My goodness, it got seriously unfunny after the first 1 or 2 jokes. I actually thought Emeril was a great guest judge for this episode and I also felt that he gave some great commentary/critiques and that's too bad you didn't use more of that in your recap.
However, still very funny. I laughed out loud with the pic of Carla with the beads on and the caption. I'm so glad she won the car, but it is the kiss of death and it means she will not win the whole shebang. If Hosea wins, it will be like Ilan 2.0. Stefan or Carla FTW!
4 of 42 | Posted by serjen | Posted on February 20, 2009 5:55 AM
Great recap as always, Flipit. But it was a Toyota Benza not a Suzuki Sidekick. And squab is not duck. :p I kid. I kid.
I was so happy when Carla won because the editors totally made it look like she was going to bone it. And I wish Fabio stayed (but not if it meant Carla left). I will miss his comments. My husband doesn't even watch this show, but now whenever one of us complains about anything his comment is "This is not Top Pussy!"
5 of 42 | Posted by Snootchy Bootches | Posted on February 20, 2009 6:46 AM
yay Flip! Loved the Rosie references especially in juxtaposition to Jeff's walk of shame and bitterness back to the Dildo Beach Club. His ass in a sling for good was classic. Seriously he is so bitter about getting booted that I'm surprised he was invited and then came back. He also said the "sex object" interview that he thinks Daddy Tom's food is boring. He should know that you don't mess with the bears by now!
6 of 42 | Posted by real_atlanta_girl | Posted on February 20, 2009 6:54 AM
"I don't know if that's for our sake or if she's just warning the two skinheads in the car to watch their mouths." I am still laughing thru the entire recap at that line.
Flip, thanks for bringing Renny back to life.
I loved in the quickfire how the 4 chefs had to sit at a picnic table out in the cold while the judges went into a warm house.
Also, Scar cracked me up at the Judges table right before the 5 chefs were excused by saying "Well obviously we have a ton of things to talk about, we'll see you in a minute."
Amazed after two lackluster performances that Stefan is still around. Beaker has been very impressive lately, and "Yeah" no more Toby!
7 of 42 | Posted by philo | Posted on February 20, 2009 7:37 AM
I freely admit to having wanted to rear end a tourist or two while driving through the Quarter. It's unavoidable.
8 of 42 | Posted by LAjane | Posted on February 20, 2009 7:46 AM
Fabio so needs his own show!! He is too funny. I love his little fabio-ism's. You would think when Stephan ended up in the bottom last week he would step up his game a little. I hope Beeker takes it all!! They are not even considering her as competition, which she so cleary is!! You go Girl!!
9 of 42 | Posted by featherhead | Posted on February 20, 2009 7:50 AM
OMG!!! Renny!!! She would never be homeless with a sign on the street, though...she'd be all dressed up with a boa and sparkly shoes doing impressions of passers-by (passer-byes?) for money.
THANK YOU FOR THAT!!! I loved me some Renny-Roo, dahlin'!
I spent Wednesday night trying to explain how freakin' funny Rhonda and Juanita are and he just didn't get it...then he watched the SuperBowl episode and all of a sudden he's yelling "I get it now..I get the muppet thing now!!"
HI-larious, yet again! Thank you, Mr. FlipIt!
10 of 42 | Posted by kimbubbly | Posted on February 20, 2009 8:08 AM
I should know better than to read these recaps at work. I bust out a loud laugh and then have to pretend I was just coughing when people stare.
I think they should bring Fabio to the finale simply to do color commentary. I will miss his charmingly accented but nonsensical phrases.
11 of 42 | Posted by ChicagoGal | Posted on February 20, 2009 9:05 AM
Great recap! I have to say that I am absolutely thrilled that Carla made it to the Final final. I feel bad for Fabio, though, even though I never really felt that much love towards him since he constantly dismissed my Carla as being any competition for him and his Euro partner. Ah well, look who's laughing now - that's right - Carla, Juanita and Rhonda!
I don't really care for Hosea much, but I am starting to believe that he (and Stefan - although not as bad) are getting some bad cuts from the producers. I'm sure that in those "interviews" they ask the contestants specifically what the think of the others and unfortunately no one seems to be able to shut up about they're so much better than everyone else except Carla. I also find it telling that Stefan always felt his biggest competition was Jamie, but Fabio thought that he was!
Anyway, Hooties and Hoos and I'll see y'all next week!
12 of 42 | Posted by Y3KPhenom | Posted on February 20, 2009 9:16 AM
I think Jeff should be happy the editors thought he was hot enough to serve as eye candy. I certainly don't.
13 of 42 | Posted by VegasDarling | Posted on February 20, 2009 10:23 AM
Flipit, you are immensely talented! I am so thankful my office has a door I can shut to muffle the many many giggles!
I loved Carla from the beginning, she was my pick for the win, and she is right, cooking with love shows. That and her ability to realize that doing simple food well over complex food poorly coupled with her general good attitude makes her so lovable!
Prettyish, while he scaled back a little bit, still didnt seem to have learned his lesson that HE NEEDS TO KEEP IT SIMPLE!
Jamie's hair looked adorable! WELCOME BACK GAIL! Stefan... oh geezus where do I begin? It was good to see him called out on his EXTREME overconfidence, and also be humbled a bit when he was in the bottom two, up for elimination. He gave Scar a look like 'I double dog dare ya to eliminate me sweetheart'. I am sure he has talent, but his attitude sucks fiercely. I will miss Fabio like crazy, he is such a funny guy!
Did anyone else notice that on Tuesday nights Real Housewives of Orange County, it said Top Chef Season Finale Tomorrow 10/9 C? Or am I just going crazy...?
14 of 42 | Posted by Kara | Posted on February 20, 2009 10:34 AM
Hey guys, I know pickin' on Jeff is as easy as... pickin' on anyone else on there, but the boy-toy can cook!
Daddy Tom said on his blog that Jeff was pretty much out from the start bc his sterno cans warming his food pans imparted a nasty taste to his fried oysters. So bad that the judges commented on the smell before they were served. I feel bad for him, I think based on his food, and even his personality, and I won't even mention looks, that he should definitely gone on before Ilan I mean Hosea.
Great Job Flipit!
15 of 42 | Posted by Reagan H | Posted on February 20, 2009 11:06 AM
Hootie Hoo Flipit! Once again, great recap! You crack me up every time.
I did yell at the TV when I saw PS Leah, butI loved how PS Leah kept saying she was making gumbo, then when the judges came over and asked what she had for them she said "ummm soup". Yeah. Maybe trying to make gumbo for the FIRST TIME EVER in Nola was not a good plan.
I was a bit sad to see Fabio go this week. While he hasn't been the strongest cook each week, his comments just kill me. Stephan's attitude needs to go - glad he was served a little humble pie.
Carla' win was the sweetest part of this season - her little car dance to Judge's Table was great. Carla all the way!
Flipit - if I had Mardi Gras beads I would toss them to you - great, hysterical job!
16 of 42 | Posted by njgasmifan | Posted on February 20, 2009 11:16 AM
I think that Robert Downey JR. is now a fan of Fabios
17 of 42 | Posted by tsl1000 | Posted on February 20, 2009 11:41 AM
I think that Robert Downey JR. is now a fan of Fabios
18 of 42 | Posted by tsl1000 | Posted on February 20, 2009 11:41 AM
Hootie Hoo!!! A recap with a winning Carla, Juanita and Rhonda, and a visit from Renny, one of my other favorite reality television stahs--I must be driving the bus that everyone's been thrown under, coz it is a blast flattening out all that lameness!!!!
Tho not a fan of Ilan "cough" I mean Hosea, I will give him credit for studying and practicing . . . unlike our boy Fab, something tells me he'll be okay, no matter what, and we must find the pic of the fishnets!!!! I bet he's on face book or something. Some peeps here at work are going to go to his restaurant to check him and it out . . . me . . . I'll wait till next Halloween!!! Knowing my luck, he'll dress as Octomom . . . .sigh . . .
Thanks ever so, Flip, can't wait for the finale--Carla all the way!!!!!
19 of 42 | Posted by juddfan | Posted on February 20, 2009 12:39 PM
Another thing I meant to question was the editing. Is Jeff absolutely delusional when he sits in the stew room and talks about how the judges said nothing but positives about his food. Yet as Reagan noted, Daddy Tom's blog says Jeff was out from the beginning because of the sterno stank. Don't you think they would mention that to Jeff? The only hint of it in the show is when Stefan says "something's burning."
Prettyish obviously grates on my nerves with his elitist foodie attitude. bitterness, and fascination with himself so I have to believe he is full of crap. DT doesn't seem one to hold back...
20 of 42 | Posted by real_atlanta_girl | Posted on February 20, 2009 12:56 PM
I'm actually kinda annoyed at Daddy Tom calling Stefan out for his confidance. Aren't great chefs supposed to be pricks? And, frankley, I don't think Stefan's attitude can hold a candle to Wolfboy (Marcel) or Hung or even Top Sommelier Steven from season 1. Figure out what you want Tom... what balance of confidance vs. insecure puddle are you looking for?
That said... Go Carla! Who'd a thunk it? Hasta la vista, Toby! God bless Gail! Back to the Dildo Beach Club, Douche. And finally, down with Hosea, although he is definitely Top Douchebag, in my opinion.
Luvs ya Flipit, great job as always.
21 of 42 | Posted by BugMom22 | Posted on February 20, 2009 1:43 PM
Jeff is perfect - on the eyes & the pallet.
I'm not reading anything that says otherwise - LALALALA - Juanita's talking to me too loudly to hearing anything else.
22 of 42 | Posted by hutchlover | Posted on February 20, 2009 3:13 PM
"The only hint of it in the show is when Stefan says "something's burning." "
That was when he was helping Carla shuck her oysters. Yep he actually went over to help. It's on bravotv.com video extras thingy. Gail also mentioned in her blog that the sterno got into prettyboy's food.
23 of 42 | Posted by yeschef | Posted on February 20, 2009 5:02 PM
thanks yeschef.
hutchlover, how do you know that Jeff is perfect on the pallet? Is that a prop at the Dildo Beach Club because the only pallets I saw were those at Restaurant Depot earlier in the season.
Oh, maybe you were talking about the palate and could use a little refining of your own.
24 of 42 | Posted by real_atlanta_girl | Posted on February 20, 2009 6:15 PM
ok so i have a little insider knowledge that i am not sharing, but i will say that i think that stefan doesn't want to win. it looks to me like he is sabotaging himself. i think he wants the recognition and the publicity but not the contract that the person who wins has to sign binding them to bravo for life or whatever.
25 of 42 | Posted by whitney | Posted on February 20, 2009 6:27 PM
BugMom 22,
I don't know about Daddy Tom, but for me, confidence goes too far when someone (Stefan) spends most of his time smoking instead of cooking and thinks he can use any old Jimmy Dean sausage in his food and it'll still be the greatest.
That's arrogance, not confidence. Maybe when he wins Top Chef, he can afford to be arrogant, but not until then.
26 of 42 | Posted by pixielated | Posted on February 20, 2009 7:39 PM
Real-Atlanta-Girl,
Geez, I didn't know this was an etiquette class instead of a BLOG.
But either way, yeah, Jeff would look good on a pallette.
Moving or Artists, just in case you want to be specific.
27 of 42 | Posted by hutchlover | Posted on February 20, 2009 8:00 PM
There aren't enough adjectives to adequately describe the comedic perfection of your recaps, Flipit! The best part has to be your screen grabs and captions. Homeless Renny, suicidal crawfish, Prettyish gibberish... PRICELESS!!!
Now, concerning the music in the video.... please tell me I'm not imagining that it's the Muppets theme song??? If it's not, then I'm obviously projecting. But if it is, BRILLIANT!!! I've watched it about a dozen times, and I laugh each and ever time!
28 of 42 | Posted by slumrville | Posted on February 20, 2009 9:53 PM
Ok, to clear up any spelling disputes before they get ugly.
Palate--part of your mouth
Pallet--those wooden things they use in warehouses
Palette--those wooden things painters use
Yeah, I think that Jeff has talent but his execution almost always fell short. His reach exceeded his grasp, at least with the constraints of this show.
29 of 42 | Posted by pixielated | Posted on February 20, 2009 10:50 PM
Pixielated: My palatte is acrylic actually. :p (kidding to break up the awkward)
njgasmifan: Yes, Flipit is very deserving of some Mardi Gras beads... but only if he flashes us his hootie-hoos!
30 of 42 | Posted by Snootchy Bootches | Posted on February 21, 2009 4:03 AM
lol snootchy
Yeah, I figured they probably aren't wood (too porous), but I've never had one, so...
Now let's get back to cooking! Or cheffing!
Love you, Flipit!
31 of 42 | Posted by pixielated | Posted on February 21, 2009 11:41 AM
guys thanks so much for reading. you have really made this a fun season for me. i can't believe there's only one more! and look i even learned about three different kinds of palates! i think that wins for the most bizarre comment controversy of the season. hahah.
also yes i would have to agree that the rosie stuff was overkill. sorry bout that! sometimes i get too excited and just hammer hammer hammer away until the horse is glue. anypens, THANKS and LOVE
32 of 42 | Posted by flipit | Posted on February 21, 2009 2:26 PM
Hootie-Hoo to flipit and all the Top Chef fans on here. I love reading the recaps and the comments from all of you. Sad to see the show end.
Anyhoo-de hoo, glad to see Gail back. Happy that Beaker won, and Stefan..meh, not so much. And didn't it suck to be Pretty boy this time? He was one of the top 3 but got kicked off for not winning the challenge.
Flipit,thanks for all the laughs this season.
33 of 42 | Posted by skies | Posted on February 21, 2009 9:29 PM
The only reason Hosea is in the top is because he played the dumb american card and created a non-existent battle between his skills and Stefan. And had that retarded non-relationship with Leah.
34 of 42 | Posted by areyoucliff | Posted on February 22, 2009 8:48 AM
About Carla's hair from the Washington Post:
Question: We did a double take when we saw your big hair in the promo spots.
Answer: That was the stylists' idea, but it was fun for me. It made me four inches taller, and I'm already 5-11.
35 of 42 | Posted by areyoucliff | Posted on February 22, 2009 9:08 AM
Hey everyone -
I was bored last night and flipping the channels when I stopped on Iron Chef. I was about to keep clicking when I thought I saw a familar face. Then she spoke with a fingernail on the blackboard sound - yes, Scarianne was a guest sous chef! Would anyone be surprised to hear that she boned it - in the final minutes she burned her crab dish and it had to be remade??
36 of 42 | Posted by njgasmifan | Posted on February 23, 2009 7:29 AM
yes, I saw Ariane on Iron Chef. She seemed frantic the entire time which was the polar opposite of laid-back Chef Freitag. At least Ariane got to hug Bobby Flay at the end!
37 of 42 | Posted by real_atlanta_girl | Posted on February 23, 2009 10:06 AM
real atlanta girl - thanks, glad to know I was not hallucinating Scari! Agree, she looked very frazzled, and what up with the "I'M STUFFING THE VEAL" comment said 3 times? But yes, the hug was cute!
38 of 42 | Posted by njgasmifan | Posted on February 23, 2009 11:00 AM
yep, the porny stuffing the veal chant even seemed to make Alton Brown uncomfortable. Notice they didn't spend much more camera time with her after that. So apparently Scari is friends with Breitag who recommended that she apply for Top Chef.
39 of 42 | Posted by real_atlanta_girl | Posted on February 23, 2009 11:33 AM
@ flip -- "because the producers couldn't stand the thought of two Euros in the finale so Hosea should be thankful."
WORD!
40 of 42 | Posted by Donna Martin Graduates! | Posted on February 23, 2009 4:21 PM
@ Snootchy Bootches:
...but now whenever one of us complains about anything his comment is "This is not Top Pussy!"
YES! In our household this line has replaced "There's no crying in baseball!" and it was about time, too!
41 of 42 | Posted by Donna Martin Graduates! | Posted on February 23, 2009 4:25 PM
but you have to pronounce it "top poosy".
42 of 42 | Posted by flipit | Posted on February 23, 2009 4:27 PM