Apparently the Nickel Diner is one of L.A. "hottest new breakfast spots". Oh please, since when did Angelenos become too good for Jack In The Box? At any rate, Bok Choi advises the Masters to look under their cutting boards for a bright red oven mitt that they have to use to cover the hand they won't be utilizing and gives them only 25 minutes to make their perfect eggs!
Right away El Shalito decides he's going to make arepas, which is a type of Latin-American breakfast bread that utilizes eggs (and not tortillas) but he admits having to do everything one-handed is a bit of a circus act, especially when trying to make something with dough!
...Yummee. I hope he clipped his fingernails. ...
I also wish he had worn some gloves. Moving on, Marky Doody says his dad was born with only one arm, and Marky grew up watching him have to do everything one-handed, so he knows he can do this. I'm not sure how to follow his logic, but I ain't touching that one with either arm. Anyhow, he doesn't want to do something too simple so he's going to try and produce a duck-egg pasta with a light egg and olive oil cream sauce. "I'm gonna nail this!" he insists. Which means he's going to totally bone it.
Meanwhile, CaJohn Boy is making perfect over-easy eggs that he's gonna put inside of little butter-filled ramekins that he can top with stuff like asparagus. He's super-confident because he makes this "dish" every morning (I'm assuming it has some kind of special name, like "Over-Easy Eggs WIth Random Shit Thrown On Top Of Them") so I'm thinking some kind of eggy disaster is about to strike...
...or someone may accidentally circumcise themselves...
NoNita Mann's suddenly in the odd position of needing a man to help her. She wants to cut the tops off of her eggs in a very precise manner and there's no way to do that one-handed, so she glumly asks CaJohn Boy to hold her eggs for her while she commits ovumicide...
...and don't think she hasn't had fantasies about doing this to the testicles of some of her more annoying New York colleagues...
That's the first time I've seen a semi-smile on her otherwise dour proletariat's face! NoNita mumbles she's making soft-scrambled eggs that she'll jazz up by adding some Asian-y flavors such as truffle oil and oyster sauce. Mmmmm, sounds kind of earthy and fishy and sorta vaginal at the same time. Ew.
Since CaJohn Boy was a guest judge last season (which I like to refer to as "The Ho-Hum-sea Season") he remembers how much he enjoyed watching Beaker and Stefan and Hoser sweat it out (while he yukked it up with Le Mullet!) but now that the oven mitt's on the other hand "It's not as easy as it looks!" In order to get the perfect timing on his Over-EZs he's waited until they have 15 minutes left and then puts his eggs (ramekins and all) in the oven. Aaaaaaaaaargh! Doesn't he realize that those G.D. Monistat ovens are actively evil? They either heat up at a leisurely pace of 1 degree per minute or they go from zero to 5,000 kelvins in 2 seconds and incinerate the entire kitchen! When he goes back to check on his eggs, he discovers that they haven't even begun to cook yet! In an attempt not to panic, he grabs a single ramekin and plops it down directly on top of a lit stove burner, hoping the egg will cook faster that way. I think it's more likely that there's a burnt charred rubbery future for it and Gail's gonna shit.
Marky Doody amazingly was able to roll his pasta and cook it with what looks like a delicious sauce, but when it's finished he only has 20 seconds to plate it! He barely makes it, but his presentation leaves something to be desired...
...although, when I make dinner, this is pretty much how everything looks...
Yeah, that's kinda my childish tactic for getting out of having to cook dinner. Poor CaJohn Boy, he's kicking himself for not having checked his eggs sooner, but it's far too late now, he's only going to have one small ramekin with just eggs and butter in it to send out to the judges.
However, first up is El Shalito's creation...
...a nice bowl of Ham'n'Phlegm...
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Comments (16)
Excellent recap, J-MO! I agree that NPH was very bitchy and it looked like he was not at all excited to be there. I totally appreciated your shout out to Twin Peaks!!!
I do hope some more personality shows up for the champions round...
1 of 16 | Posted by bluzgirl | Posted on July 13, 2009 1:59 PM
CONGRATS on entertaining us for the last year J-Mo!
For all of you who enjoyed Ludo-criss last week -just in case you missed this important news item I thought I would share:
Thu Jul 9, 6:06 am ET
PARIS (Reuters Life!) – French tourists are the worst in the world, coming across as bad at foreign languages, tight-fisted and arrogant, according to a survey of 4,500 hotel owners across the world.
Anyway....LOVED having Daddy Tom and Gail. Hope we get to see more of both of them! (especially DT...sigh)
As for the bunny-in-the-hair(hare?) magic trick - I am betting that Mexi-Jay from the Fashion Show has animals and rodents in his hair, too.
No-Needa was amazingly lukewarm about the whole event. I do love John Besh, but he totally blew this time. And yes, Queen NPH was quite the bitch and not in an entertaining way.
J-Mo, you so do NOT look like the Michelin Man, we have seen you and your moves - total cutie. In fact, last week I dreamt that there was a gathering of all the recappers and posters, and I got to meet you in person! (I do realize that it says something about my quality of life when I am dreaming about people I don't know..but it was cool to meet everyone in dreamland).
As always, your recaps really crack me up - this week was no exception! Hugs xoxoxo
2 of 16 | Posted by njgasmifan | Posted on July 13, 2009 2:27 PM
CONGRATS on your anniversary! and thank you very much for continuing with your recaps! they are awesome! :)
it seems to be a pattern with the winers boy/girl hmm
ever since you mentioned that they dont let or care about bok choi's comments I cant help but pay more attention to this and you are so right - even camera cuts her out often!
Thanks again for making me laugh on such a shitty day :)
3 of 16 | Posted by Rebecca1968 | Posted on July 13, 2009 4:10 PM
Slightly off topic, but what happens to the losers on Top Chef? Jeff, Carla & Fabio are making celebrity sundaes for Marble Slab! Go here (you can't post links but I think you can figure it out) ht tp://w ww. mar blesl ab. com (click on the "Celebrity Sundae" button). And that picture of Jeff - WHAT is in his sundae that's making his face go like that? He's clearly feeling no pain! I love Fabio but his sundae looks like...well, you can fill in the blank. 3 of my favorite chefs...humiliating. sigh.
4 of 16 | Posted by sillygrrl | Posted on July 13, 2009 5:04 PM
It's only been a year . . . oh my . . . time usually flies in your 40's, but I guess all these savory recaps of your's have just made the time simmer!!!! Congrats baby!!! I concur, you are way to cute to compare to the Tire guy (can't spell . . . sigh) tho he's cute in his own way. I'd likely do Mr. Clean, but that's another topic . . .
DT is looking very hung over and sloppy on these . . . since it's just little blips of screen time, you'd think he could shine up a bit. Is he that desperate to shake us queeny fans that he's sabotaging it . . . I know, just me . . .
I was loving No-nitaman--too funny on the name there, J-mo!!! The top six on should be very good, with some formidable chefs . . . will it be one night, or six!? who knows . . .
njgasmifan, I'm with you, and often think of all you peeps and the things you think and say, whether during shows or sometimes just in life. I had SWAK running through my head for a whole weekend, before I figured out it meant Sealed With a Kiss . . . I know, so lame of I . . .
J-mo, you are getting sooo good at the screen caps. That Maxi pad was so subtle and the flames--amazing!!! Keep up the good work.
Next time you hit LA, lets at least do a west coast meeting (I know just the place) Or I suppose if ya all head east, NJ can be your host! (I assume what NJ means . . . )
Anyhoo, I'm sure Amy Winehouse got some ideas from that magic trick, and I'm sorry, but couldn't we all don a jesus wig with a compartment in the hairline . . .
SWAK ; )
5 of 16 | Posted by juddfan | Posted on July 13, 2009 5:49 PM
J-Mo, as always, another stellar recap!
I just loved the pic of you dancing with your blue scarf! (I've always heard of Michelin stars, but truly never thought about them being associated with butyl-donuts for the car).
Christmas gifts that the cat peed on are the greatest! Well, almost ... the ones that have been puked upon are the absolute awesomest ones.
I can't believe that dork made the sternoconut bowls. You're right, it would smell nasty, and it is downright dangerous, as sometimes you can't even see the flames in a brightly lit room. What an asshat! Maybe the magicians should have made the flambe' disappear.
I didn't think the rabbit trick was all that bad, prolly 'cuz the bunny was so cute. But after Happy Bunny (TM) watered the Bok-Choy garden, I swear I heard him say "this has been fun but I have to barf now".
I agree that the en papillot pocket looked like a turd with diarrhea sauce. I don't know if I could even taste something that looked that "shitty". Ew!!
Great job, as ever. Many thanks for staying up to the crack of dawn (insert your own joke here) to give us such funny stuff to read - you are hilarious!
Lots O' Love.
6 of 16 | Posted by arizonatom | Posted on July 13, 2009 8:23 PM
Loved this recap for mention of Jamaican Patois.
7 of 16 | Posted by natpatben | Posted on July 13, 2009 9:03 PM
I laughed until I cried the first time I read about Gail and her BURNT CHARRED RUBBERY EGGS!!! and I still laugh about them to this day. That woman is serious about her unfertilized chicken spawn.
I was weirded out by Miss Lezasian. She seemed completely bored to be there. Although, to be honest, she seems kinda beaten down. Like the jackassery that goes on with male chefs has just pissed her off to the point of numbness.
And NPH was being Queeny beyond Queenieness and I'm with you JMo...there was some furious, bitter masturbating going on that night.
8 of 16 | Posted by pixiegal262 | Posted on July 13, 2009 9:21 PM
Just FYI - Kelly Choi is 5'10" and wears heels, and that's why she dwarfed Ming the Merciless, who's about Tom Cruise height.
9 of 16 | Posted by theminx | Posted on July 14, 2009 6:27 AM
J-Mo! Has it really only been a year that you've been recapping? It seems like so much longer - and I mean that in a really REALLY good way!
I was laughing my ass off yet again this week - your take on this show never fails to crack me up. It is legend.....wait for it.....dary.
Love love love you!
SWAK, PottyMouth
PS - You are FAR sexier than the Michelin man.
10 of 16 | Posted by PottyMouth | Posted on July 14, 2009 6:41 AM
Yep Michelin Stars are awarded by the tire company since they started a travel guide in France (where the company started in 1888 since it is considered that the French in fact invented the automobile) that detailed restaurants and rated the food quality as well as detailed places where to get gas and maintain the auto. After a few years the Michelin Stared restrautants not only got other awards or already had them from food critics for food quality, presentation but also were considered extremely clean and saw a huge increase in customers willing to pay the high prices for the food.
So having the Tire Company travel guide say you worth the trip was a major award.
11 of 16 | Posted by yeschef | Posted on July 14, 2009 6:43 AM
Oh juddfan! Sorry I stumped you on SWAK! It sucks when you get something in your head and can't figure it out - I've done that MANY times myself!
SWAKKK, PottyMouth
12 of 16 | Posted by PottyMouth | Posted on July 14, 2009 6:43 AM
One last thing! That was Sealed with a Kiss Kiss Kiss - not sealed with the KKK. ;)
13 of 16 | Posted by PottyMouth | Posted on July 14, 2009 6:44 AM
Thanks PottyMouth, literally all weekend it plagued me . . . until the epiphany, which I can at least say I puzzled out without google (rare, I know . . . ) I kept thinking it was a sound effect for a kiss . . . ya know, like smack, only swak . . . okay, I know it's whack!!!
but KKKK back at 'cha, and I added the 4th for the same reason you amended!
; )
14 of 16 | Posted by juddfan | Posted on July 14, 2009 11:04 AM
juddfan:
Thanks for letting me know I am not alone (or crazy) in thinking of you all - I also think find myself thinking about how much fun we could have if we could all get together.
Also - you are spot on about travels - J-Mo darling, if you ever travel east we can have vodka martinis my me and maybe we can get Yenta to make brisket for us!!!
hugs xox
15 of 16 | Posted by njgasmifan | Posted on July 14, 2009 12:09 PM
J-Mo,
NoNita Mann? Sheer. Fucking. Brilliance. I'm still laughing at that one.
Look I know those hats are Gramma's trademark, but someone needs to take her aside and gently explain that she's starting to look like Emmett Kelly. Does she carry all her belonging s tied up in a handkerchief on the end of a stick from location to location?
Actually I'm waiting for the episode where she has one too many gin Rickeys and takes out her teeth at the table. Now that has event television written all over it.
Anyway J-Mo a year of your writing is a banner year in anyone's book, congratulations and thank you.
16 of 16 | Posted by waffleboy09 | Posted on July 16, 2009 10:20 AM