When El Shalito arrives at the dining room the first thing he does is exclaim (in a voice dripping with you-gave-me-a-bad-review-and-I-hate-you-forever-you-dried-up-old-bitch-sarcasm) "Ohhh, Gael Greene! How are you?" Gramma's not fooled as she immediately fires back "Good to see you. Was this supposed to be flaming?" Bwahahahahahaha! All El Shalito can do is lamely answer "Yeah, there's a little flame action going on there."
Here's the rest of the dish...
...and the only booze on this plate is the Sterno, which is merriliy burning away...
He says it's supposed to be a play on fire and ice and then leaves. NerdMosexual immediately raises his hand and asks who has their cell phone handy to call 911 because Barton Fink's is really on fire...
...okay, maybe not this bad...
I have to think that the strong smell that accompanies Sterno would overpower some of the duck, but nobody mentions that. Maxi-Pad thinks it's an impressive spread even without the flames, but Neily-O'Hara has to make sure to say he saw where it was going but that it wasn't executed well. I guess I should cut him a break, if anybody knows about flames, it's him. Barton Fink jumps back in to say the duck is "shocking" to him because he uses a duck in his act, and he won't be able to look him in the eye ever again! Everybody fake laughs uproariously...
...except Gramma Greene, who knows damn well that shit wasn't funny...
Bok Choi gives the diners their star-cards (I'm sure that Neily-O'hara and David's will cancel each other out) and the critics head back to the TCM Kitchen for judging. Ah, but before they leave, they are treated to a private magic show put on by none other than Jesus...
...maybe He'll do that loaves and fishes thing again...
No, actually Jesus says he's going to do a Japanese magic trick, grabs his long, luxurious hair up into a topknot and starts squeezing it until this happens...
...Most. Disgusting. Trick. Ever. ...
That was mean, Jesus! You shouldn't keep animals all cooped up in your ratty hair, and I hope you got a neckfull of bunnyshit for your troubles. Even better still, he gives the bunny to Bok Choi so she can hold and pet it, and it immediately pees on her. Yay for the happy bunny!...
Back at the Critic's Table, the Masters file in and wait for the bitching to begin. In case they have all gotten blotto in the Top Chef Masters Holding Area (a.k.a. The Booze Bin) and forgot everything that just happened in the last hour, Bok Choi reminds them they just cooked for Neil Patrick Harris and his boyfriends, and that the critics have a few questions.
Starting with CaJohn Boy, Gail repeats that she loved his cauliflower blini, and it certainly surprised her with how "head-freezingly cold" it was when it hit her mouth. Gramma Greene says it was too cold and "not quite pleasant" (i.e., it prolly cracked her upper plate). NerdMosexual wants to know if he thought his horseradish sorbet was successful, and CaJohn says yeah, except for that weepy little queen holding the bowl. Okay, he didn't say that, but I bet he was thinking it. They loved his lobster tempura, though.
Moving on, Gramma tells NoNita that she thought her dish was like "a surrealistic painting" that was funny and shocking and surprising (I guess Gramma doesn't get to see or hear Rice Krispies much these days) and Gail agrees it was kind of gruesome but in a good way, although she didn't think the little ladle of broth fit in with anything. NerdMo' disagrees and says he thought it helped the flavor of the daikon. Wow, I'm kinda surprised that NoNita received so much praise...
...especially since she was standing there making this face and threatening to poke their eyes out...
Next up is El Shalito, who says he wanted to cook dishes that he knew he made well, but he knows his Sternoconuts were not successful (and might have killed someone). They did like his oyster ceviche, but that's probably because it was the furthest thing away from the burning coconuts and did not take on any of that distinctive Sterno flavor.
Last up is Marky Doody, and Gramma Gael says she enjoyed the fact that their ballsackish meal was a "mystery" until they opened it. NerdMosexual says this was kind of a departure from his normal Mediterranean style of cooking, and dear God, I never really noticed how absolutely hideous that food looked when they finally got it opened up...
...like the inside of a colostomy bag...
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Comments (16)
Excellent recap, J-MO! I agree that NPH was very bitchy and it looked like he was not at all excited to be there. I totally appreciated your shout out to Twin Peaks!!!
I do hope some more personality shows up for the champions round...
1 of 16 | Posted by bluzgirl | Posted on July 13, 2009 1:59 PM
CONGRATS on entertaining us for the last year J-Mo!
For all of you who enjoyed Ludo-criss last week -just in case you missed this important news item I thought I would share:
Thu Jul 9, 6:06 am ET
PARIS (Reuters Life!) – French tourists are the worst in the world, coming across as bad at foreign languages, tight-fisted and arrogant, according to a survey of 4,500 hotel owners across the world.
Anyway....LOVED having Daddy Tom and Gail. Hope we get to see more of both of them! (especially DT...sigh)
As for the bunny-in-the-hair(hare?) magic trick - I am betting that Mexi-Jay from the Fashion Show has animals and rodents in his hair, too.
No-Needa was amazingly lukewarm about the whole event. I do love John Besh, but he totally blew this time. And yes, Queen NPH was quite the bitch and not in an entertaining way.
J-Mo, you so do NOT look like the Michelin Man, we have seen you and your moves - total cutie. In fact, last week I dreamt that there was a gathering of all the recappers and posters, and I got to meet you in person! (I do realize that it says something about my quality of life when I am dreaming about people I don't know..but it was cool to meet everyone in dreamland).
As always, your recaps really crack me up - this week was no exception! Hugs xoxoxo
2 of 16 | Posted by njgasmifan | Posted on July 13, 2009 2:27 PM
CONGRATS on your anniversary! and thank you very much for continuing with your recaps! they are awesome! :)
it seems to be a pattern with the winers boy/girl hmm
ever since you mentioned that they dont let or care about bok choi's comments I cant help but pay more attention to this and you are so right - even camera cuts her out often!
Thanks again for making me laugh on such a shitty day :)
3 of 16 | Posted by Rebecca1968 | Posted on July 13, 2009 4:10 PM
Slightly off topic, but what happens to the losers on Top Chef? Jeff, Carla & Fabio are making celebrity sundaes for Marble Slab! Go here (you can't post links but I think you can figure it out) ht tp://w ww. mar blesl ab. com (click on the "Celebrity Sundae" button). And that picture of Jeff - WHAT is in his sundae that's making his face go like that? He's clearly feeling no pain! I love Fabio but his sundae looks like...well, you can fill in the blank. 3 of my favorite chefs...humiliating. sigh.
4 of 16 | Posted by sillygrrl | Posted on July 13, 2009 5:04 PM
It's only been a year . . . oh my . . . time usually flies in your 40's, but I guess all these savory recaps of your's have just made the time simmer!!!! Congrats baby!!! I concur, you are way to cute to compare to the Tire guy (can't spell . . . sigh) tho he's cute in his own way. I'd likely do Mr. Clean, but that's another topic . . .
DT is looking very hung over and sloppy on these . . . since it's just little blips of screen time, you'd think he could shine up a bit. Is he that desperate to shake us queeny fans that he's sabotaging it . . . I know, just me . . .
I was loving No-nitaman--too funny on the name there, J-mo!!! The top six on should be very good, with some formidable chefs . . . will it be one night, or six!? who knows . . .
njgasmifan, I'm with you, and often think of all you peeps and the things you think and say, whether during shows or sometimes just in life. I had SWAK running through my head for a whole weekend, before I figured out it meant Sealed With a Kiss . . . I know, so lame of I . . .
J-mo, you are getting sooo good at the screen caps. That Maxi pad was so subtle and the flames--amazing!!! Keep up the good work.
Next time you hit LA, lets at least do a west coast meeting (I know just the place) Or I suppose if ya all head east, NJ can be your host! (I assume what NJ means . . . )
Anyhoo, I'm sure Amy Winehouse got some ideas from that magic trick, and I'm sorry, but couldn't we all don a jesus wig with a compartment in the hairline . . .
SWAK ; )
5 of 16 | Posted by juddfan | Posted on July 13, 2009 5:49 PM
J-Mo, as always, another stellar recap!
I just loved the pic of you dancing with your blue scarf! (I've always heard of Michelin stars, but truly never thought about them being associated with butyl-donuts for the car).
Christmas gifts that the cat peed on are the greatest! Well, almost ... the ones that have been puked upon are the absolute awesomest ones.
I can't believe that dork made the sternoconut bowls. You're right, it would smell nasty, and it is downright dangerous, as sometimes you can't even see the flames in a brightly lit room. What an asshat! Maybe the magicians should have made the flambe' disappear.
I didn't think the rabbit trick was all that bad, prolly 'cuz the bunny was so cute. But after Happy Bunny (TM) watered the Bok-Choy garden, I swear I heard him say "this has been fun but I have to barf now".
I agree that the en papillot pocket looked like a turd with diarrhea sauce. I don't know if I could even taste something that looked that "shitty". Ew!!
Great job, as ever. Many thanks for staying up to the crack of dawn (insert your own joke here) to give us such funny stuff to read - you are hilarious!
Lots O' Love.
6 of 16 | Posted by arizonatom | Posted on July 13, 2009 8:23 PM
Loved this recap for mention of Jamaican Patois.
7 of 16 | Posted by natpatben | Posted on July 13, 2009 9:03 PM
I laughed until I cried the first time I read about Gail and her BURNT CHARRED RUBBERY EGGS!!! and I still laugh about them to this day. That woman is serious about her unfertilized chicken spawn.
I was weirded out by Miss Lezasian. She seemed completely bored to be there. Although, to be honest, she seems kinda beaten down. Like the jackassery that goes on with male chefs has just pissed her off to the point of numbness.
And NPH was being Queeny beyond Queenieness and I'm with you JMo...there was some furious, bitter masturbating going on that night.
8 of 16 | Posted by pixiegal262 | Posted on July 13, 2009 9:21 PM
Just FYI - Kelly Choi is 5'10" and wears heels, and that's why she dwarfed Ming the Merciless, who's about Tom Cruise height.
9 of 16 | Posted by theminx | Posted on July 14, 2009 6:27 AM
J-Mo! Has it really only been a year that you've been recapping? It seems like so much longer - and I mean that in a really REALLY good way!
I was laughing my ass off yet again this week - your take on this show never fails to crack me up. It is legend.....wait for it.....dary.
Love love love you!
SWAK, PottyMouth
PS - You are FAR sexier than the Michelin man.
10 of 16 | Posted by PottyMouth | Posted on July 14, 2009 6:41 AM
Yep Michelin Stars are awarded by the tire company since they started a travel guide in France (where the company started in 1888 since it is considered that the French in fact invented the automobile) that detailed restaurants and rated the food quality as well as detailed places where to get gas and maintain the auto. After a few years the Michelin Stared restrautants not only got other awards or already had them from food critics for food quality, presentation but also were considered extremely clean and saw a huge increase in customers willing to pay the high prices for the food.
So having the Tire Company travel guide say you worth the trip was a major award.
11 of 16 | Posted by yeschef | Posted on July 14, 2009 6:43 AM
Oh juddfan! Sorry I stumped you on SWAK! It sucks when you get something in your head and can't figure it out - I've done that MANY times myself!
SWAKKK, PottyMouth
12 of 16 | Posted by PottyMouth | Posted on July 14, 2009 6:43 AM
One last thing! That was Sealed with a Kiss Kiss Kiss - not sealed with the KKK. ;)
13 of 16 | Posted by PottyMouth | Posted on July 14, 2009 6:44 AM
Thanks PottyMouth, literally all weekend it plagued me . . . until the epiphany, which I can at least say I puzzled out without google (rare, I know . . . ) I kept thinking it was a sound effect for a kiss . . . ya know, like smack, only swak . . . okay, I know it's whack!!!
but KKKK back at 'cha, and I added the 4th for the same reason you amended!
; )
14 of 16 | Posted by juddfan | Posted on July 14, 2009 11:04 AM
juddfan:
Thanks for letting me know I am not alone (or crazy) in thinking of you all - I also think find myself thinking about how much fun we could have if we could all get together.
Also - you are spot on about travels - J-Mo darling, if you ever travel east we can have vodka martinis my me and maybe we can get Yenta to make brisket for us!!!
hugs xox
15 of 16 | Posted by njgasmifan | Posted on July 14, 2009 12:09 PM
J-Mo,
NoNita Mann? Sheer. Fucking. Brilliance. I'm still laughing at that one.
Look I know those hats are Gramma's trademark, but someone needs to take her aside and gently explain that she's starting to look like Emmett Kelly. Does she carry all her belonging s tied up in a handkerchief on the end of a stick from location to location?
Actually I'm waiting for the episode where she has one too many gin Rickeys and takes out her teeth at the table. Now that has event television written all over it.
Anyway J-Mo a year of your writing is a banner year in anyone's book, congratulations and thank you.
16 of 16 | Posted by waffleboy09 | Posted on July 16, 2009 10:20 AM