Greetings gastrophiles! People who know me in real life know that I love to throw parties and play fun music and have fabulous food that I usually force my BF to cook and serve. He loves it, too. You must ignore him if he tells you differently. As for me, I pretty much stick to making my famous "Easy Cheez On Ritz Crackers" hors d'œuvres (which are a lot harder than they sound... it takes an extremely delicate and talented hand to make a passable smiley-face in aerosol cheese on a teeny Ritz Cracker and not have it turn out looking like it just had a stroke). Beyond that, I pretty much stick to opening bags of Doritos and making sure everyone gets drunk. Tonight, we're going to get a little bit of both junk food and hors d'œuvres...
...and far too much of this pucker-lipped pussy-faced prick...
...Poor Jenni's looking more and more Baby Jane Hudson-ed out of her gourd every time I see her. At any rate, on tonight's fifth installment of Top Chef Masters the chefs will be once again insulted by being asked to touch Twinkies, a new low is achieved in the Quickfire Challenge, and FugTaser's back from having his moles removed waxed and buffed. There's a lot to cover tonight, so let's go ahead and jump right on in, K?...
Things are going to start right off on a crazy note as we meet our first Master by the name of Rick Moonen. He's the executive chef and owner of Rick Moonen's RM Seafood in Mandalay Bay in fabulous Las Vegas, Nevada. Gramma Greene tells us that the Reverend Moon here has taken three NYC restaurants (Oceana, Molyvos, and RM Seafood) to 3-star status. He says he was a hyperactive child with that all-too-familiar kids' syndrome known as A.D.D. (Annoying Dramaqueen Disorder) and that his mother would "drag him" into the kitchen and they would just "cook away" (while she had a nip or twelve of some cheap chardonnay to calm her frayed nerves). I think that is highly commendable and that more parents with A.D.D.-afflicted children should follow her lead and put those little brats to work making dinner...
...see how child-labor can have a positive outcome? Your kid could wind up on TV!...
Daddy Tom pops in only for a moment (and again, couldn't be bothered to wash or shave, I guess he finds that "Day-Three-Of-My-Nine-Day-Booze-Bender-Look" to be acceptable for TV) and says that Reverend Moon is primarily known as a seafood chef and is very dedicated to conservation issues like sustainable fishing and saving twist-ties and rubber-bands in a great big ball in the basement. Rick weirdly reminds me of my Great-Grandma Emma who lived in central Illinois and would whop you with a dishtowel if you tried to enter her kitchen without permission...
..."And stay outta my cookie jar, ya little snots!"...
The resemblance is eerie. Anyhow, Moonie's both excited and nervous about the competition, and he brought his big bottle of Adderall XR with him, so he's all set to jitter apart like a badly-made toy when the pressure hits. I can't wait!
Next one in the kitchen is Nils Norén, who makes sure to tell us right away that he's the VP of Culinary Arts at The French Culinary Institute in NYC, "Which bessically minss I'm the head chef!"...
..."Und yuoo're-a not!"...
He kinda makes it sound like he's runnin' thangs over there at the Institute, which is close but not quite true, because that's where Le Jacques Pépin is employed (you may remember him as a guest judge on several seasons of TC) so normally I would skewer this guy for kinda coming off as a bit of a dildo, but I'm actually going to go a little easy on Nilsy here (at least to start with) because, you see, he is from Stockholm, Sweden... and Swedish chefs have never been able to live down the one very damaging member of their ranks...
..."Zee meetbools ere-a ferry testy tuneet!"...
Daddy Tom says Nilsy Bork Bork here was Executive Chef under Marcus Samuelsson at Aquavit in NYC, which looks like a really nice restaurant that doesn't serve bouncy meatballs. Nilsy says he originally wanted to be a mussician but that "Haffing a reggae-a band inn Sveden diden worrk out-a so well!" Well, yah, for sheeur, Ace Of Base kinda ruined the reggae thing for all mussicians from Sweden.
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Comments (18)
Not finished reading, J-Mo, but I just had to say that Rev. Moon looks like the old, gay uncle from Brothers & Sisters.
1 of 18 | Posted by slutty_whore | Posted on July 20, 2009 1:00 PM
What a great way to avoid work this afternoon - reading your recap! Awesome job, J-mo!
A hundred thanks for bringing up "The Swedish Chef" from the Muppet Show - while watching this show I thought you would have to pay homage to him! Borky's comment at the end that "I am from Sweden and play in a reggae band, we smoke things" was good for a laugh!
And thanks for letting me know I am not the only one who dislikes Michael Skeevarello... can't stand his puss or his tude.
Kelly's head looks way too big for her body. I keep thinking they are filming her with a wide angle lens. One day she will nod and her head will snap clean off (not that anyone will notice, poor girl could go onscreen naked and no one would pay attention to her).
Total hating on Jeff Lewis - annoying prick that he is. And those working for him must like pain... I feel kind of sorry for the chefs in the quickfires - the "judges" seem to leave a lot to be desired (girl scouts, Lewis, etc.).
Major hugs J-Mo xoxoxo
2 of 18 | Posted by njgasmifan | Posted on July 20, 2009 1:05 PM
I haven't even finished the recap, but just lost Diet Dr. Pepper through the nose over "He may have a point there. I have never heard anyone complain about ABBA being late anywhere."
That was genius.
3 of 18 | Posted by bluzgirl | Posted on July 20, 2009 2:18 PM
Reverend Moon could have serve up the corn dog as is to win the show. Obviously his cooking skills are far more superior than the other 2 douches and the Swedish smoker. The fact that douche number one won the junk food round show his cooking only appeal to trailer trash douche bags. How is that a Top Chef Master skill? Any past contestants from the past season could have done that.
4 of 18 | Posted by bambino italiano | Posted on July 20, 2009 5:38 PM
I think that title falls to whoever thought up those Cheddar Bay Biscuits at Le Red Lobster.
I'm thinking you should be a Top Chef judge.
Nice recap!
5 of 18 | Posted by Iloveme | Posted on July 20, 2009 11:51 PM
You will get your wish next week. Art Smith is gay. He is also one of the few guest judges they have had who is not a total douchebag, so we can route for him in good conscience.
WHY are people still making ice cream on this show? Has ice cream ever frozen properly, even if you put extra love in it? Learn your lesson people!
Oh, and Michael Chiarello is a shithead.
6 of 18 | Posted by messystation | Posted on July 21, 2009 5:08 AM
Man J-Mo great recap! I so could've won the quickfire though, I have a fantastic recipe for terimisu(sp?) that is made out of twinkies lol.
7 of 18 | Posted by kittkatt357 | Posted on July 21, 2009 12:08 PM
thank you for another hysterical recap! LOVED this because i totally missed the show :( but still following i see my boy girl winning pattern - so lets see if a girl is on the next eppy? and if she is a shoe in to win from beginning?
I also loved your suffering from DSB comment - and Used it - thank you very much! :)
thanks also for commenting about everyone still ignoring Bok Choi! im trying to keep up with that :)
have a great night
Rebecca
8 of 18 | Posted by Rebecca1968 | Posted on July 21, 2009 12:43 PM
I just snorted Orange Fanta out of my nose. Not because anything I read was particularly funny, but because it seems like that's what you're supposed to write in the comments sections of snarky TV show recaps.
Well, I'm off to tell Entertainment Weekly and Television Without Pity that I snorted soda out of my nose, too.
Then I might get a little wild and tell CNN that I snorted soda out of my nose.
9 of 18 | Posted by NotWithoutMyTV | Posted on July 21, 2009 1:10 PM
Love the recap!
I kinda watched this episode and the thing that grabbed me is I never saw an ending so close. Smirky only won by two and a half stars. He was smarmy. I watched a couple of episodes of Easy Entertaining. Food Network would only show it at weird times like 6:30am Sunday. The first episode I saw was pork tenderloin and mashed potatoes. He was messy. Editing was working double time cause when he would put stuff in bowls it would drip all over the place. You look again and the bowl and table were clean.
I thought it was maybe an off day for Smirky but the next episode he was sloppy too. Now I stepped away from the TV when he was prepping for the challenge so I missed how messy he was this time. Did anyone notice?
He was doing simple stuff with the food and I was intrigued enough to think to try it. He kept going on about the best way to make mashed potatoes was with a ricer so I thought I would get one. I went to Sonoma and the thing was going for like $30. I used my $2 potato masher instead and they turned out fine.
I love seeing the difference of how Masters and regular Top Chef contestants are treated while they await judging. Regular Top Chef they get a concrete room, rickety chairs, some bottled water and alot of snarling. The Masters on the other hand get a lovely dining room with wine, table cloth, cozy chairs and lots of goodies. They've paid their dues so they kickback and shoot the breeze. This must have been like a vacation to them. I had a friend who owned and worked in a restaurant. She averaged 100 hours a week there until she couldn't do it anymore. I wouldn't doubt it if Bravo paid for their traveling expenses for the Masters to get there either.
I can't wait until the finalists battle. My money is on Snooze Ann. I noticed that the women on here don't smile much. I guess it's such a male dominated field you've got to keep your game face on. I was looking at an episode of Chopped and one of the male contestants shoved the one woman contestant because as he said, "She shouldn't have been in his way." Can you believe she was the first eliminated? The shover didn't win the entire thing though. Maybe there is justice in the world.
Viane Slice
10 of 18 | Posted by Viane Slice | Posted on July 21, 2009 2:12 PM
I agree that Rev. Moon was by far the best chef. Too bad he had a meltdown.
The judging seemed rigged to me in the elimination challenge. Hardly anybody said anything good about the douchebag's food, but he got good scores.
At least the final won't be boring since there will be a villain to root against.
11 of 18 | Posted by pixielated | Posted on July 21, 2009 3:48 PM
Hey, J-Mo, thanks for the ride back to my childhood with "...greasy, grimey gophers guts," and "nanny-nanny-boo-boo." Those golden nuggets were tucked away in the far recesses of my mind and I'm thankful that they've seen the light of day again for such a noble cause!
Hard to believe there's only one more chef spot to fill before the big showdown. And Rebecca, I'm thinking "girl" too for that last spot. We shall see.
12 of 18 | Posted by xqzmoi | Posted on July 21, 2009 8:53 PM
or it could be the gay . . . in the last spot that is.
Well, knowing nothing, I didn't really hate on Douchey, but if it's any help, he's going to get served in the finale. Still don't know if it will be a six (or five) week process, or one big night like these . . . should be good to see the cream of these crops.
I'm kinda glad Moon didn't win . . . he talked too much and was way to manic for me, I'll root for nonitaman!!! She's quiet and ruthless . . .
Is anyone going to do design star on HGTV? Check out Antonio, J-mo, he's majorly doing it for me . . . . hottest reality star since Judd . . . for me . . .
13 of 18 | Posted by juddfan | Posted on July 22, 2009 10:24 AM
Dang! Rev. Moon ALMOST pulled it off. I was wishing & hoping.
Gotta leave it to NoNitaMan & LeMullett smack the heck out of him in the finals. Actually I hope they ALL beat him! But I'm rooting for the previous two to take the whole thing, as they are w/o peer IMO.
JMO, here's hoping that you don't get stuck with Jeffy-POOO in any way shape or form.
14 of 18 | Posted by hutchlover | Posted on July 22, 2009 4:20 PM
OOPs. Guess there are no women cooking in the last semi-final. That's okay. I'm rooting for LeMullet (since he's French, are we pronouncing that LayMullay?).
15 of 18 | Posted by xqzmoi | Posted on July 23, 2009 9:55 AM
Hey guys, I am SO sorry about my lateness in responding to comments, my entire house is being torn to shreds right now while my BF and I have our bathrooms brought forward from the 80's into 2009, and it's hard to spend time in a completely dust-covered environment!
slutty_whore... Hmmmm, so does that mean my Grandma Emma could have been on Brothers & Sisters (& Grandmas) too? I'll have to check that show out so I can see for myself... xoxo :)
njgasmifan... Did you know that you can have Google translated into Swedish Chef dialect? It's called "Bork" and is apparently very popular amongst hackers. How crazy is that? Thanks for climbing on board the Smirky Hate Train™ as well! xoxo :)
bluzgirl... your poor nose, but thank you just the same! xoxo :)
bambino italiano... I agree with you completely, and since your nickname indicates you may be of Italian descent, can you confirm what Chiarello said about using shrimp-tails like "a fork"? I'm still curious about that. xoxo :)
Iloveme... I would LOVE to have a chance to be a judge on Top Chef (Daddy Tom or Scar, if you're reading this CALL ME) but I suspect that the Boy Scouts, the Jay-Cees, the mailman, Kato Kaelin and a gaggle of booger-eating 3rd graders will be chosen to judge before I ever get to. Thanks for the vote of confidence just the same! xoxo :)
messystation... Yay for big gay Art Smith! And Boo on Michael Chiarello! And yay for him getting fucked over by the ice cream machine! xoxo :)
kittkatt357... OMG, Twinkie Tiramisu??!? Sheer heaven! xoxo :)
Rebecca1968... I'm glad you enjoyed it, and DSB as well, I sometimes have to use that condition as a hint for my BF (overshare, I know, sorry). They do ignore the fuck out of Bok Choi, and I'm waiting for her to snap like a twig and start stabbing people because of it! xoxo :)
NotWithoutMyTV... Thanks for checking in, I always like to hear about what you're up to. xoxo :)
Viane Slice... My BF is addicted to Food Network, so I have seen WAY more of Smirky than I ever wanted to, and you're right, he is messy as hell. I also agree with you that female chefs probably have an uphill battle in the culinary industry, I think I remember that episode of "Chopped" that you mentioned, it was rude... oh Ted Allen, you'd be having so much more fun back over on Bravo! Anyhow, thanks for reading! xoxo :)
pixielated... I wondered about that, too, the Critics can give any kind of score they want, and they vary wildly from one to the next... if that's the case and it's fixed I hope they put Smirky up in the Champions round just to see him flail and fail at the end! xoxo :)
xqzmoi... Childhood? I still use those expressions almost daily! Especially "nanny-nanny-boo-boo"! LOL, kidding, glad I was able to jog your memory for something fun... also, let's pronounce Le Mullet your way, that sounds so een-tair-na-cee-oh-nalle! xoxo :)
juddfan... I will have to check that out, my BF also watches a lot of HGTV, and I imagine this will one of the shows he'll be torturing me with. Thanks for checking in as well! xoxo :)
hutchlover... I like Rick BayLeafs and Le Mullet, not so keen on NoNita Mann or SnoozAnne, but maybe they'll have woken up by the time the Champions Round airs. Oh, and thanks, I make sure I will never have to recap "Flipping Out" by trading sexual favors with Flipit (and boy are my lips tired). xoxo :)
Okay guys, thanks again for taking the time to comment. I'm working on this week's show right now, I hope to get it finished in the next couple of days. The bad news is that I am leaving to go see another giant drag queen pageant in Kentucky on Tuesday so the recap of the Champion's Round is going to have to wait until I come back and may be a few days later than usual. Please be patient, though, I'm sure it's going to be a great show and I want to give it the attention it deserves, K?
love to all of you!
love, J-Mo :)
16 of 18 | Posted by J-Mo | Posted on July 24, 2009 10:42 AM
but hold on -- I've never heard of this show. Why is Miss Jeff Lewis on it? Are they building a kitchen in the most expensive & OCD-filled way possible?
17 of 18 | Posted by Memememe | Posted on July 24, 2009 5:35 PM
J-Mo, great recap! Sorry I am so late, but I was out of town for a wedding and didn't get to read your recap until this am.
Jeff Lewis is just plain nuts and I commend Jenni for being able to work for him for so long without becoming nuts as well. Hmmm ... I wonder what her cute (ex) husband is doing now, since Jeff fired him?
I agree that the 1/4 screen ads that Bravo is now putting up are ANNOYING!
Lobster pop-tarts don't sound half bad, but skip the pea frosting - I prefer my 'tarts plain (too bad strawberry is the only flavor they sell plain).
Am I the only one, or does anyone else find the use of "foams" disgusting? They look like spit on a plate to me!
McSmirky is an asshat! 'Nuff said! And as for the shrimp tail being a fork - bullshit! I personally despise the tail being left on shrimp, especially when it's fried. I want to eat ALL my food!
To NotWithoutMyTV: sorry you don't appreciate J-Mo's humor like all of us do. Some of us REALLY DO snort beverages and food while reading the hilarity!
Lots O' Love J-Mo!!
18 of 18 | Posted by arizonatom | Posted on July 25, 2009 2:55 PM