I detest when in an argument someone says "you don't even know me." As if only people who know you can tell you you're an asshole. Are you trying to say you can act like an asshole with no accountability in front of strangers? If your best friend is not a witness then it's perfectly acceptable to be an asshole? If you drop your drawers and take a shit on the sidewalk, I'm gonna tell you you're an asshole. Are you gonna come back with "you don't even know me?" Is it ok to take a shit on the sidewalk as long as your mother doesn't catch you? This is in the same category as another of my pet peeves, dismissing someone's bad behavior with the phrase "that's just how they are." Meaning it's ok to act like an asshole as long as you're consistent about it? "Oh it's ok. He's always an asshole. That's just how he is." People need to be called on their shit!

Ok, rant over. Smirky and Dung should have been on the same team. That would have been awesome. NoNita probably did deserve to go home. We just really really wanted Smirky gone.

I so adore your recaps. I'm so glad you are going on to Top Chef amateurs!

J-Mo, your recaps make my week. I live for them! My hero...

I think there is a fix for Smirky. I normally don't go for all the conspiracy crap, but I have a feeling that Bravo wanted at least one big "celebrity" chef on Masters, and only got interest from this douchebag, and then had to agree to at least get him to the final round.

I don't know, DC, I think Rick Bayless is "bigger" than Smirky.

Besides, why would anyone pick raw oysters and clams to showcase their cooking skills? All you have to do is shuck them. Oh, and the sauces.

J-mo--sorry I missed you guys in LA, guess that's what happens when you fry on your lawn all day selling crap!!!

At least I can finally see what you've been saying all along about douchenozzle--and it seems that sentiment was universal . . . the Dung fight was so beyond lame . . . . there are certain aspects of reality TV that bore me . .. .

Nonita, NOOOOOOO, oh well, she wasn't able to think on her feet this time. A raw bar sounds nasty and lazy to me anyway.

Bayless and laMullet should wipe the floor with Douchy . . . can't wait to see it and have you continue on TCA--yay!

Flip it's show sounds amazing, good to hear of your belly bounce! ; )

Okay, I don't care HOW Smirky McAhole addresses someone - "dipshit" "dickweed" "sous chef" or "young man/lady".

YOU DO NOT GET ALL UP IN THEIR FACE, "WHAT'CHA GONNA DO ABOUT IT!" ON NATIONAL TV WHEN YOU HAVE A CAREER RIDING ON THE LINE!

Dung TOTAL DESERVED to be wiped across the floor by Smirky.

And BitterHawk???? YOU CAME IN THIRD! You choked so bad, FLEASA BEAT YOU! Asswipe.

Why, oh why, couldn't we have all Tre, Jeff, and Carla come back? At least I would've had lots of man-candy.

Juddfan, did your yard sale "unravel in front of you," a la Michael Smirkerello?

I don't care who said it, why or how.. I'm just happy Michael got humiliated like that. what an ass. I'm pissed he got this far. "What's my name?" He deserved more than what he got.

Heeeeeeeyyy, it's been a while since I had the chance to read some recaps (or since I had the availability of the hours and hours I used to spend reading the stuff), but I come back and what a treat, J-Mo doing Top Chef (both!!?)

So I'm coming in a little late in the season and I'm not sure where Smirky started earning himself all your hate - not my favorite guy, but I didn't notice him being a straight-out douché until this episode. But then Dung v2.0 had to top the douchy stakes so much Smirky didn't look so bad after all. They may both be assholes, but I definitely prefer the asshole who can keep his cool to the one who's gonna start acting like a monkey about to fling poo. shelleyh and hutchlover, you're both so right (except I like Bitterhawk - I wouldn't eat the shit he makes, and now he seems to deserve the Bitter part of his name, but I found him goshdarned adorable when he was on the show, fauxhawk excepted.)

Anyway, J-Mo, sorry you lost Big Gay Al or whatever his name was. He was adorably cuddly until he started to drop names (I fed the President! I have fed everybody who's anybody!) and I bet it just killed him that he's probably not allowed to use Oprah's name (in vain or otherwise). Oh, yeah, and he's an Oprah product. Yuck.
Maybe in the end all that "wrap your food in love" talk was just another extension of the Oprah "spiritual", "caring" brand. Or not. He really could be adorable. The jury's still out.

Aaaaah... what with the kids home and all the last minute back-to-school frantic shopping, I don't know when I'll be back. But I'll definitely try to tune in for the first TCA recap, I just saw the episode and there are so many laughable and/or cringe-worthy personalities already!!!! See you soon!

Thank you for brightenng my day again, J-Mo. I so look forward to seeing the back of your head. It's nice to be immortalized! Believe it or not, the back of my head appeared in one of the 1970s' biggest blockbusters. The movie starred a mechanical shark and some 1970s actors who I never met. Also, I didn't have any lines and didn't get eaten by the mechanical shark or anything cool like that. I was really just an 8 year-old running around within a crowded beach scene, but I still nonchalantly tell anyone who'll listen about "that time I worked with Speilberg."

And thank you, thank you, thank you, Mr. Dung. I've hated Smirky Cheearellow with an all consuming passion practically since the first moment I saw him mugging for the food network's cameras. It was a completely instantaneous feeling of loathing. I don't care if Dung made himself look totally punky on TV (well, it was really only slightly punkier than we'd seen him act before) because the pleasure I got from watching that little confrontation was absolutely priceless. I kept yelling at the TV, "Hit him, Dung, hit him!" That scene was quite TVgasmic for me, if you know what I mean. Now if Bravo could just get Dung to go all gangsta-mofo on that insufferable Jeff Lewis, my life would be complete. OCD makes you act like an asshat towards everyone? Yeah, OK. Go get him, Dung!

I'm picking Le Mullet for le win, but I suppose Bayleaf's winning would be fine with me too. I've finally gotten accustomed to his Spencer Pratt-esqe facial hair & creepy Bob Ross brand of softspoken-ness, so Rick hardly freaks me out at all any more.

On the other hand, IF this thing ends up being fixed and Smirky actually gets the win, Ima probably eat can after can of Beefaroni until I eventually just explode. And my Beefaroni-saturated blood will be on the hands of that hirsute little tangerine, Andy Cohen. Matter of fact, you can go ahead and kick Andy's ass too, Dung.

Yes pix, I guess all the peeps I approached with a carrot and a knife didn't know what I wanted them to do . . . kah . . .

Beefaroni--tee hee ; )

Since my "career" at the moment is student. I have a lot of time on my hands until school starts, so I have plenty of time to watch tv, duh. But a little fun fact, if you will, about umeboshi plums. They had to hawk these things in a fake commercial on America's Next Top Model and apparently they taste like shit. But anyway- back to reading the rest of the recap. Because beside having time to watch TV. I have lots of time to read and comment on recaps.

And I know you have been busy. Actually I don't really know that, but you have been traveling. But don't forget the pictures of the dress, please!

Actually umeboshi plums (actually they are related to apricots more then plums) taste sour and salty.

From what I have read it's as common to eat one a day in Japan as it is to eat an apple in the United States.

It's actually sold in candy shops and grocery stores all over Japan. It's also used to enhance flavor and presentation in meals and is a componet of several meals with rice.

Sorry i think models aren't exactly the best people to judge the taste of something.

A lot of people like an occasional sour thing to eat. While others don't like sour things at all.

h t t p ://www.travelandleisure.com/slideshows/worlds-strangest-hangover-cures/1

You can pretty much just re-read what sayhuh wrote... since I've moved into my daughter's attic in the frozen Northwest (well - according to the local news, it's been really HOT) - she has had me watching this show. What a NICE surprise to find one of my fav's doing the recaps!

Loved it, J-Mo! My top 2 snort-out-loud moments? "NoNita chooses her homegirl Turtle (snatch)" and the "Il Douché" screengrab...

Totally agree with Pixilated and others that a raw bar does not really seem to highlight your cooking skills. I would think you would plan a menu like You-Bear did to showcase your talents. It really seemed like NoNita had had enough of the show and was not putting in the effort.

Could have lived without Turtle whining on my screen AGAIN. Jeebus on a jetski that woman just complains about everything. Also, to what Gods do I have to pray to get Batshit Betty off my screen For.Ev.ah? Please - I'll consider virgin sacrifices, offerings to the Sun God, spell casting etc. - whatever it will take.

I have never liked EvangelASS but have to say he rose a few notches in my eyes for his total playing of Smirky Skeevarello. Smirky did not even realize that EA had no intention of being on his team. His treatment of the chefs was rude and insulting (even to some of those talentless hacks). If this is how he runs a kitchen it's a wonder anyone would work for him. I loved how it came back to bite him in the butt.

You are my hero J-Mo - I'm thrilled that the back of your head will be immortalized on film! Can't wait for your spin on the new season... hugs oxox

Great recap, J-Mo!

I always wondered why molecular gastronomy sounded so, well, NASTY to me, and now you've solved that riddle! Thanks!

I'd watch your big fat bag full of Jell-o anyday!

Il Douche = Hilarity!

When McSmirky was going on about the icebox I thought it was going to turn into *Refrigerator Wars*! Too bad they didn't shove him in his half and close the damn door.

I don't know about anyone else, but I would have LOVED to see Tiffany (season 1?) go through the "interview" with McSmirky. I bet she'd have wacked his nuts off in 10 second flat!

Keep up the good work.

Lots O' Love

Alright, J-Mo, how did you get in my head? The picture of Smirky with the No, No, No was what I was thinking when he won the quick fire. NO! He can't win. At first I thought that I was just buying into the J-Mo hype and that is why I didn't like him. But after seeing him this episode and all the bullshit with the carrots. I realized why I didn't like him. Ugh. Thankfully he didn't win the whole thing. When he beat out You-Bear in the final- I said in a raised voice, No, he can't win. But great stuff with the recaps and can't wait to read your take on the new season of Top Chef.