This week on Top Chef, it's Restaurant Wars, babay!
Ahhhhhhh!
We open with Hosea sitting on the balcony with Stefan. He says that they're half way done now and Stefan is his competition. LOL. I give Stefan credit for not laughing his ass off at that one. It's gonna be pretty hard to take down the potato man. Unfortunately, he won't be going home. We know this because Rad is texting on the Sidekick of Doom. Dammit. I am going to miss her dead person sheen and her witty banter and her....I should have just stopped at dead person sheen.
Dear Mom, please have my casket ready when I get home and my eye mask in the freezer.
Beaker knows the truth. She says that Possible Stalker Leah and Hosea threw Scari under the bus and that at this point in the game it's not about what they cook. "It's psychological warfare!" Beaker's innocence is adorable. I am sure she would be a little bit more prepared for what a reality show would entail if she had spent more time on her ass watching them and less time playing Hootie Hoo in grocery stores with her husband and having tea parties with Ronda and Juanita, her spirit guides.
We're timed. Like every week! And there are always lights on! And I have to wear a microphone!
Outside, Stefan asks Hosea what he's gonna do when he gets home. "Go see my girlfriend". Cue Leah with a brick and a razor. "I mean to break up with the whore." Leah puts down the brick but wraps the razor in her ponytail and watches him sweat. And grow a boner. Fabio comes out and says "Scariana gotta throwna under da buzzo con queso" and then throws some kind of Italian hand slapping/pointing curse at Hosea and Leah. Love him right now. I hope he uses that wacky confrontational energy and puts it into whatever ravioli he makes today. Possible Stalker Leah tells us that she feels like crap because of how things ended with Scari. No you don't! Somewhere in Jersey, Scari is crying on the couch while her husband makes her a watermelon salad and her kids spray tan every inch of her.
You a weel be bald!
When the chefs arrive at the No Kitchen's as Good as a Kenmore Kitchen, Scar is waiting for them with this week's guest. Dammit this guy looks familiar. I pause and stare at his face for awhile to see if I can get it, and I can't. It's making me crazy. Scar tells us that it's one of the most successful restauranteurs evah by the name of Stephen Starr, but I know that's not right. He looks into the camera and it hits me. How could I not recognize one of my favorite celebs? It's Dame Edna out of drag! Not that she'd admit it. You're secret's safe with me, girl!

"If you're successful as a woman, they assume there's a man involved. It's tragic."
I am glad to hear the Dame has found a life out of showbiz. Comedy's great and all, but it doesn't really pay the bills. Sorry. Projecting. Dame being one of the most prolific restauranteurs of all time means that today is the Restaurant Wars Challenge!!! YAAAYY!!! It's like real war! It's severely underfunded, it's really bloody, and "real people" who know nothing about it spout off their opinions of it all day long like anyone cares.
The Dame tells them that a restaurant isn't just about the food, it's also about the design, the service, the ambience, and the concept. And please don't forget a decent kids menu that you can color on or your four year old niece will run around everywhere screaming her head off and throwing sugar packets at people. Sorry. Can you tell I'm visiting family? Fabio is excited for this challenge, because "Eeen loave aynd een warr, you add allow to do aynyteeng." He's taken President Bush's exact interpretation. Fucking up old sayings is really dangerous, because then other people learn them and all the rules change. Fool me once...you're not gonna fool me again.
They have thirty minutes to make a concept dish that will show off what they will do if they win. There will be no immunity, but the top two dishes will be the team captains. Which means it will be their asses on the line and if their team loses they will be at the top of the list for elimination. This prize sucks worse than the book Rocco's mom wrote.
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Comments (28)
Awesome recap, as always. I find it amusing that there are times when I am watching shows when I think to myself "Oooh Flipit is gonna LOVE that!"
I really loved in the beginning of the show when the other contestants were calling bullshit on HoLeah throwing Scari under the bus. So often on shows like this, people just take it in stride rather than calling it out (on camera anyway). That was fantastic.
1 of 28 | Posted by Snootchy Bootches | Posted on January 23, 2009 5:41 AM
Flipit I love the comments on the commercials as much as the recap.
I think Rad, Beaker and Leah are on their last legs. Rad looked and sounded exhausted and ready to go home for good. Beaker cooks safe food but is clearly out of her league. Leah seems exhausted as well. She couldn't find a better piece of fish to send to the judges? I think Stefan is the clear winner unless he truly screws up.
What is with the tight clothes. Starr's jacket was about to split in the back and Fabio's Saturday Night Fever jacket sleeves ended at his elbows.
And do you think Toby (aka Dr. Bunsen Honeydew) keeps index cards in his jacket pocket with witty remarks written on them? He's like that kid that no one likes at the lunch table that thinks if he says something funny everyone will like him. See you after class for your daily wedgie Toby. I think Tom can't stand him either.
2 of 28 | Posted by philo | Posted on January 23, 2009 6:50 AM
This was one of the most hysterical recaps I have ever read - THANKS FLIPIT!
The title alone sent me rolling - the so many great lines....the reference to Dame Edna (spot ON!), the mention that Turtle ought to be good at soup and scallops by now, Leah blaming Scari for the cod -I just kept giggling. And a big Hootie Hoo for the Muppet video with the band (and Animal the drummer). As always, the screen caps were great - "this bitch is wack" is my fav. Your commercial recaps are also sooooo entertaining.
Rad was really ready it seemed - really in over her head. I was glad Beaker stayed, although when they were at judge's table and she was talking about smiling and sending out love I actually yelled at the TV "shut up Juanita and Ronda!" Bad time for the guides to get feisty.
I'm over HoLeah - at this point Stephen really looks like the only one who can go all the way -even if he's an arrogant ass.
Philo, I thought the same thing - DT looks like he smells something bad everytime Dr. Honeydew opens his mouth with his "witticims".
Flipit, you are awesome. Thanks for making me laugh!
3 of 28 | Posted by njgasmifan | Posted on January 23, 2009 7:39 AM
"and less time playing Hootie Hoo in grocery stores with her husband and having tea parties with Ronda and Juanita, her spirit guides" - OMG! Best line EVAH!
and i love the recap title!
i really hope jeff & his dildo club are gone soon!
Team Stefan!
4 of 28 | Posted by animalcrackers | Posted on January 23, 2009 7:56 AM
I was so glad to hear that Toby actually made a comment that made sense for a change. Especially, since it saved my Carla Beaker. I did feel for Beaker when they all ganged up on her about sending out the love with her food. I don't see how this is any worse than them going on and on about "respecting the protein" every week. I'm sure if the little lambs had their choice, they would take life over our "respect" any day. I LOVE that she stood up for herself though. But since she's already earned DT's disdain, I doubt that she will make it another week. Which sucks because that means more time with the Stalker.
5 of 28 | Posted by Y3KPhenom | Posted on January 23, 2009 8:24 AM
oh my goodness, this recap was yummy in my tummy.
"Just because I'm Indian doesn't mean...."
LOL seriously good stuff.
6 of 28 | Posted by welcometothepartypal | Posted on January 23, 2009 9:10 AM
PS - did anyone else think Rad could not possibly find a deader color to wear? The whole effect was washed out, ready for the coffin. Get some bright colors girl!
7 of 28 | Posted by njgasmifan | Posted on January 23, 2009 9:38 AM
Great recap, Flipit!
Given the craptacularity of this season, your recaps are pretty much the only reason I keep watching (I don't want to miss a reference).
This group is the most bland, ridiculously BAD group of cheftestants ever. They make Ilan look like friggin' Thomas Keller. The only one with any real cooking chops is Stefan -- no wonder he's an arrogant prick.
After her weird showing at judges table (you were sending out good THOUGHTS, Beaker? How about sending out good FOOD?), I officially no longer like Beaker. She has GOT to go.
So now, my forerunners are Baldilocks (the arrogant asshole), Turtle (I guess I really like scallops and corn), and Prettyish (because you never can have enough separate components to a dish). And that's just plain sad.
8 of 28 | Posted by JimbobJones | Posted on January 23, 2009 10:14 AM
Flipit, Jeff made the scallops, though the idea was Jamie's. In fact I think most of the menu was Jamie's.
Have we ever seen an executive cheftestant in RW crash & burn so horribly? I don't count Dale S4, because at least he cooked something. Rad did NOTHING! except arrange the decorations and drink.
9 of 28 | Posted by hutchlover | Posted on January 23, 2009 10:45 AM
Hilarious recap, per usual. I just hope that Fabio stays on until the finale. I don't even care if he can cook; his comments crack me up every time.
10 of 28 | Posted by LAjane | Posted on January 23, 2009 11:25 AM
Flipit, I second everything that njgasmifan said. I sooooo look forward to your recaps--I think YOU are the best part of this season's Top Chef! And you recapped at lightning-speed! By the way, I just moved to Houston and ate at Luby's for the first time last weekend. ANYTHING the cheftestants have made tastes better than one morsel of food there.
11 of 28 | Posted by Jellybean50 | Posted on January 23, 2009 11:40 AM
Wow - I have to say Flip, you've outdone yourself with this one:
"....and as he walks away, adds "This double chin was grafted onto me, in Brazil. It belonged to Elizabeth Taylor. It was her left love handle." Wink
I don't even know you, but I think I love you! Brilliant!
I can't believe what a change of heart I'm having over this season, now I kinda like Egg-head - I mean, he suffered the evils of the fucked up Kenmore Freezer and figured out something to do about it - unlike Beaker who knew how horrible her food was, and just accepted it. I really like her though, hopefully next week she'll (wo)man up and shank a bitch!
I'd like a closer look at Turtle's tats, I'm willing to bet money that she has pictures of 2 scallops and an ear of corn with an X through it!
12 of 28 | Posted by carmelicious | Posted on January 23, 2009 11:49 AM
I have great love for Beaker and I'm pulling for her to make it further because she (like myself) is from D.C. She's also wacky and I like that in a person. I mean hey, if you're going to send out bad food at least send out bad food with love. I feel like there have been a lot of equipment breakdowns this season and that sucks...but kudos to baldy for figuring out a work-around.
13 of 28 | Posted by suedisco | Posted on January 23, 2009 12:13 PM
I'm agreeing with everyone, (except I don't think Beak needs to go, I still HEART her!) esp njgasmi and philo--u are so right about the cue cards, but I'd still hit it, I'd be anxious to hear what analogy he'd come up with for it!!!
I too saw Saturday Night Fever, but I knew Fabio would lead his team to victory. Lately, I'm like Rad, stirring around in circles, unable to focus, and sucking down some wine, so I can sympathize, but I was very disappointed she didn't at least control the menu, I think she has a lot of great ideas, and a great palate, too bad!!! For once Turtle man-ed up, I loved her saying No to Pretty-ish, the silent nod, "No" - classic!
Can't say I'm a baldy fan, but he's the one to beat. Holeah can eat it, esp since he saved her ass. And let that be a lesson to cheaters, when you get home with that look on your face, it's crystal clear you been up to no good, and you will be caught! My face reads like that all the time, I've probably got bug eye's like beaker, I just can't see em. It don't pay for me to do anything bad . . . but it was kind of fun to see the teams reaction to the shift in them. and PS. "Kissed" my ass, they boned it deep and it was meh for both! I do think Leah was the more aggressive party . . . she must really like potato's!
Thanks Flip It, esp for the speed in posting!!!
14 of 28 | Posted by juddfan | Posted on January 23, 2009 3:21 PM
i was surprised that there was no mention of stefan and fabio's joint interview clip. i loved it!
15 of 28 | Posted by whitney | Posted on January 23, 2009 4:02 PM
you guys thank you so much for reading and commenting. hilarious.
"I'd like a closer look at Turtle's tats, I'm willing to bet money that she has pictures of 2 scallops and an ear of corn with an X through it!"
bwahahahahahahahah!!! I LOVE YOU GUYS
16 of 28 | Posted by flipit | Posted on January 23, 2009 4:34 PM
I forgot to mention, amazing on the dame edna, amazing!!!! And I thought the tricks Prettyish was doing was one of the best things he's done all season!
Have a great weekend all!!!
17 of 28 | Posted by juddfan | Posted on January 23, 2009 5:03 PM
The stupidity of this year's contestants aggravates me so much. Okay. It's Restaurant Wars. You know the format. So, you should pick your team to play to certain strengths, right?
You know you need someone as the front of house, who is energetic and charming. So how is Fabio picked third to last? He was so perfect for that role.
You know you need good food, so how is the best chef on the show and the one most consistently in the top 3 picked dead last?
If you are Radikha, how do you pick yourself for front of house instead of Jeff?
Seriously, I knew once I saw the teams that Fabio and Stefan would be on the winning team. They were the perfect contestants for this challenge. Yet they were picked last and thirdto last. Mind blowing. I just don't see how you pick Hosea and Carla over Fabio and Stefan, or why you would pick Jeff over Fabio and then not use Jeff as front of house.
18 of 28 | Posted by Alafoss | Posted on January 23, 2009 5:05 PM
Great recap, Flipit, as per usual, and although you went with the Dame Edna reference, I would have said something more along the lines of Mrs. Slocombe from Are You Being Served, arguably the best character on TV, and I am unanimous in this.
And, as far as cooking with love, watch the movie "Like Water for Chocolate" and you will gain a greater appreciation for Beaker's POV.
And, as much as I hate HoLeah also, we don't know if they have an open relationship with their significant others. Not saying it's right to make out with someone else on camera, but there might be extenuating circumstances.
19 of 28 | Posted by slutty_whore | Posted on January 23, 2009 5:18 PM
no wonder they call you slutty whore!!!!
; )
just kidding, I have a feeling it's not the case tho, coz they were suckin' on some serious guilt, visible, and so strong that Hosea and Baldy had to team up to seperate them. Now whodda thunk that would happen, they're the closest thing to enemies the show has . . .
Is anyone calling winners yet, top three?
I had Jamie as winner from the beginning, so with her and Baldy there will need to be a surprise according to DT, so I'm hopin' it's Beaker or Fabio (tho Fab would not be that big of a surprise)
20 of 28 | Posted by juddfan | Posted on January 23, 2009 5:44 PM
Loved every single Dame Edna reference. BRILLIANT!
21 of 28 | Posted by silver | Posted on January 23, 2009 6:05 PM
Quick observation: Carla/Beaker and the real Beaker both work in chemistry... "Alchemy Caterers"...
22 of 28 | Posted by The441commando | Posted on January 23, 2009 9:21 PM
"The stupidity of this year's contestants aggravates me so much. Okay. It's Restaurant Wars."
Radhika hates Stefan with a passion. As for Jeff honestly would you want him for the front of house they have to interact with the guests and see to their needs.
Radhika was just burnt out.
23 of 28 | Posted by Anonymous | Posted on January 24, 2009 7:28 AM
Soooo, let me get this straight -- they sack Rad over poor FOH ability but they gave the win to Stefan not Fabio?
whatevs.
Stefan will win this comp, no doubt about it.
And any show with crazy funny guest judges, such as the legendary Housewife Supah-stah - the one, the only - DAME EDNA EVERAGE - (or Shazza Stone) is compelling viewing, um, reading.
Thanks Flip -- TEAM STEFAN!
24 of 28 | Posted by Donna Martin Graduates! | Posted on January 24, 2009 1:34 PM
I know Beaker's days are numbered, but I am sure gonna miss that wacky chick. It's too bad the judges just don't get her.
25 of 28 | Posted by Donna Martin Graduates! | Posted on January 24, 2009 1:35 PM
Man I miss ya flip! Wonderful recap!
26 of 28 | Posted by CrazyTrain | Posted on January 24, 2009 6:50 PM
"Soooo, let me get this straight -- they sack Rad over poor FOH ability but they gave the win to Stefan not Fabio?"
It was also Rad's not telling Beaker what to do when she was informed of the difficulties with the desert situation. She could have had Beaker do something else such as putting yogurt soup on the menu.
They were going to sack Beaker until they got informed of Rad being told and Rad not caring about it.
The chef/owner of a restaurant has to make decisions in the kitchen and listen to the chefs. Rad did neither.
27 of 28 | Posted by yeschef | Posted on January 25, 2009 7:47 AM
They should give Beaker her own show. I would absolutely watch that. Hootie-Hoo!
28 of 28 | Posted by Snootchy Bootches | Posted on January 25, 2009 10:00 AM