Over on team "Just Because I'm Indian Doesn't Mean I'm Gonna Belly Dance For You", Turtle has taken charge, which is just fine by Rad. Beaker is non committal and doesn't really have any ideas, because global's not her thing. Finally, she just gets assigned dessert, and she says she can make some sorbets. I am worried for her. On a sidenote, we learn why Prettyish insists on wearing the moppy haircut of a 60's beat poet. He's gonna look like Stefan within five years.

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Grow it while you got it, girl!

Hosea and Leah sit together and talk about how mean Stefan is and whiney whine wine. And a wine. Get wasted, Leah. You're gonna need it. You both will when Stefan kicks your asses. Then the most horrifying scene of the entire series. Worse than the offal challenges. Bomchickawowow music plays, and then I feel my penis invert into a reverse boner that really hurts my lower back. I'm suing Bravo.

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Picture 7
Please use a condom.

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You guys too.

The morning after, Hosea tells us that he regrets making out with Possible Stalker because just before he came on the show he and his girlfriend bought an adorable bunny that they'd like to keep living. Leah regrets it too. Riiiiiiiight. They're all tense and fifth grade about it, which makes their team uncomfortable. Now you know how PDA makes everyone else feel, Fabio and Stefan. This team is like the double date from hell. I know that ugly people fuck to, I just don't want it on my TV. That's what the internet is for.

The chefs jump into their Hondas and are impressed with all the features. Money well spent, HONDA. They are split up into pairs. Prettyish and Turtle are together. Prettyish makes spit bubbles while Turtle bosses Rad and Beaker around over the Sidekick of Doom. Stefan and Hosea are together, and Stefan comes up with the name Sunset Lounge. Hosea tells us "we" came up with a great name, and then adds that no restauranteur in the history of the Earth has come up with such a solid restaurant idea in twenty four hours. Uh-huh. I guess this is the wrong time to tell you that there's a Sunset Lounge in every city in America and they mostly consist of microwave food, lots of cheap liquor, and Papaws picking up hoookers. Idiot.

While shopping, Hosea is looking for ahi and tells the clerk "you know, for like carpaccio". If the clerk had seen today's quickfire challenge he would know, because Fabio made that. Glad to see the originality theme going through the whole episode. Consistency. You know what else is consistent? My love for the editors. I will let them describe the team menus while I go outside and smoke.

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Dammit!! Look at what the dvr did to the "Just Because I'm Indian Doesn't Mean I Have a Hairy Butt Crack" Menu!!

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Dammit. Ah well, whatever is served with the baklava will be a surprise. I ain't typing it. And I wonder what deepness the tranny has for us this week.

More Hosea and Possible Stalker drama. And by drama, I mean uzu is said a lot while dramatic electric guitars play. Hosea's all "how do you want the fish cut?" and Leah's all "uhh...square." Pout. THE INTENSITY!!! She finds that there are bones in their cod and can't get them cut out. Hosea tells us that she's under a lot of pressure because "if our restaurant fails, it's her fault". Damn. She must have tasted like gingivitis and snapper ass last night. The tides have turned really fast.

Beaker is in charge of the chocolate cake and the frozen yogurts on her team, and her yogurt isn't setting properly. She looks to Ronda and Juanita for their help, but they're enthralled by all the bone drama going on over on the other side of the kitchen. Poor thing. I don't like it when bad things happen to Beak, because even when she's feeling bad, she still makes time to try and make Leah feel better.

Top Chef: Monkey Ass Een A Clowna Shale Sections:  1  |  2  |  3  |  4  |  5  |  6  |  7  |  8 

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Comments (28)

Snootchy Bootches:

Awesome recap, as always. I find it amusing that there are times when I am watching shows when I think to myself "Oooh Flipit is gonna LOVE that!"

I really loved in the beginning of the show when the other contestants were calling bullshit on HoLeah throwing Scari under the bus. So often on shows like this, people just take it in stride rather than calling it out (on camera anyway). That was fantastic.

philo:

Flipit I love the comments on the commercials as much as the recap.

I think Rad, Beaker and Leah are on their last legs. Rad looked and sounded exhausted and ready to go home for good. Beaker cooks safe food but is clearly out of her league. Leah seems exhausted as well. She couldn't find a better piece of fish to send to the judges? I think Stefan is the clear winner unless he truly screws up.

What is with the tight clothes. Starr's jacket was about to split in the back and Fabio's Saturday Night Fever jacket sleeves ended at his elbows.

And do you think Toby (aka Dr. Bunsen Honeydew) keeps index cards in his jacket pocket with witty remarks written on them? He's like that kid that no one likes at the lunch table that thinks if he says something funny everyone will like him. See you after class for your daily wedgie Toby. I think Tom can't stand him either.

njgasmifan:

This was one of the most hysterical recaps I have ever read - THANKS FLIPIT!
The title alone sent me rolling - the so many great lines....the reference to Dame Edna (spot ON!), the mention that Turtle ought to be good at soup and scallops by now, Leah blaming Scari for the cod -I just kept giggling. And a big Hootie Hoo for the Muppet video with the band (and Animal the drummer). As always, the screen caps were great - "this bitch is wack" is my fav. Your commercial recaps are also sooooo entertaining.
Rad was really ready it seemed - really in over her head. I was glad Beaker stayed, although when they were at judge's table and she was talking about smiling and sending out love I actually yelled at the TV "shut up Juanita and Ronda!" Bad time for the guides to get feisty.
I'm over HoLeah - at this point Stephen really looks like the only one who can go all the way -even if he's an arrogant ass.
Philo, I thought the same thing - DT looks like he smells something bad everytime Dr. Honeydew opens his mouth with his "witticims".
Flipit, you are awesome. Thanks for making me laugh!

animalcrackers:

"and less time playing Hootie Hoo in grocery stores with her husband and having tea parties with Ronda and Juanita, her spirit guides" - OMG! Best line EVAH!

and i love the recap title!

i really hope jeff & his dildo club are gone soon!

Team Stefan!

Y3KPhenom:

I was so glad to hear that Toby actually made a comment that made sense for a change. Especially, since it saved my Carla Beaker. I did feel for Beaker when they all ganged up on her about sending out the love with her food. I don't see how this is any worse than them going on and on about "respecting the protein" every week. I'm sure if the little lambs had their choice, they would take life over our "respect" any day. I LOVE that she stood up for herself though. But since she's already earned DT's disdain, I doubt that she will make it another week. Which sucks because that means more time with the Stalker.

welcometothepartypal:

oh my goodness, this recap was yummy in my tummy.
"Just because I'm Indian doesn't mean...."
LOL seriously good stuff.

njgasmifan:

PS - did anyone else think Rad could not possibly find a deader color to wear? The whole effect was washed out, ready for the coffin. Get some bright colors girl!

JimbobJones:

Great recap, Flipit!

Given the craptacularity of this season, your recaps are pretty much the only reason I keep watching (I don't want to miss a reference).

This group is the most bland, ridiculously BAD group of cheftestants ever. They make Ilan look like friggin' Thomas Keller. The only one with any real cooking chops is Stefan -- no wonder he's an arrogant prick.

After her weird showing at judges table (you were sending out good THOUGHTS, Beaker? How about sending out good FOOD?), I officially no longer like Beaker. She has GOT to go.

So now, my forerunners are Baldilocks (the arrogant asshole), Turtle (I guess I really like scallops and corn), and Prettyish (because you never can have enough separate components to a dish). And that's just plain sad.

hutchlover:

Flipit, Jeff made the scallops, though the idea was Jamie's. In fact I think most of the menu was Jamie's.

Have we ever seen an executive cheftestant in RW crash & burn so horribly? I don't count Dale S4, because at least he cooked something. Rad did NOTHING! except arrange the decorations and drink.

LAjane:

Hilarious recap, per usual. I just hope that Fabio stays on until the finale. I don't even care if he can cook; his comments crack me up every time.

Jellybean50:

Flipit, I second everything that njgasmifan said. I sooooo look forward to your recaps--I think YOU are the best part of this season's Top Chef! And you recapped at lightning-speed! By the way, I just moved to Houston and ate at Luby's for the first time last weekend. ANYTHING the cheftestants have made tastes better than one morsel of food there.

carmelicious:

Wow - I have to say Flip, you've outdone yourself with this one:
"....and as he walks away, adds "This double chin was grafted onto me, in Brazil. It belonged to Elizabeth Taylor. It was her left love handle." Wink

I don't even know you, but I think I love you! Brilliant!

I can't believe what a change of heart I'm having over this season, now I kinda like Egg-head - I mean, he suffered the evils of the fucked up Kenmore Freezer and figured out something to do about it - unlike Beaker who knew how horrible her food was, and just accepted it. I really like her though, hopefully next week she'll (wo)man up and shank a bitch!

I'd like a closer look at Turtle's tats, I'm willing to bet money that she has pictures of 2 scallops and an ear of corn with an X through it!

suedisco:

I have great love for Beaker and I'm pulling for her to make it further because she (like myself) is from D.C. She's also wacky and I like that in a person. I mean hey, if you're going to send out bad food at least send out bad food with love. I feel like there have been a lot of equipment breakdowns this season and that sucks...but kudos to baldy for figuring out a work-around.

juddfan:

I'm agreeing with everyone, (except I don't think Beak needs to go, I still HEART her!) esp njgasmi and philo--u are so right about the cue cards, but I'd still hit it, I'd be anxious to hear what analogy he'd come up with for it!!!

I too saw Saturday Night Fever, but I knew Fabio would lead his team to victory. Lately, I'm like Rad, stirring around in circles, unable to focus, and sucking down some wine, so I can sympathize, but I was very disappointed she didn't at least control the menu, I think she has a lot of great ideas, and a great palate, too bad!!! For once Turtle man-ed up, I loved her saying No to Pretty-ish, the silent nod, "No" - classic!

Can't say I'm a baldy fan, but he's the one to beat. Holeah can eat it, esp since he saved her ass. And let that be a lesson to cheaters, when you get home with that look on your face, it's crystal clear you been up to no good, and you will be caught! My face reads like that all the time, I've probably got bug eye's like beaker, I just can't see em. It don't pay for me to do anything bad . . . but it was kind of fun to see the teams reaction to the shift in them. and PS. "Kissed" my ass, they boned it deep and it was meh for both! I do think Leah was the more aggressive party . . . she must really like potato's!

Thanks Flip It, esp for the speed in posting!!!

whitney:

i was surprised that there was no mention of stefan and fabio's joint interview clip. i loved it!

flipit:

you guys thank you so much for reading and commenting. hilarious.

"I'd like a closer look at Turtle's tats, I'm willing to bet money that she has pictures of 2 scallops and an ear of corn with an X through it!"

bwahahahahahahahah!!! I LOVE YOU GUYS

juddfan:

I forgot to mention, amazing on the dame edna, amazing!!!! And I thought the tricks Prettyish was doing was one of the best things he's done all season!

Have a great weekend all!!!

Alafoss:

The stupidity of this year's contestants aggravates me so much. Okay. It's Restaurant Wars. You know the format. So, you should pick your team to play to certain strengths, right?

You know you need someone as the front of house, who is energetic and charming. So how is Fabio picked third to last? He was so perfect for that role.

You know you need good food, so how is the best chef on the show and the one most consistently in the top 3 picked dead last?

If you are Radikha, how do you pick yourself for front of house instead of Jeff?

Seriously, I knew once I saw the teams that Fabio and Stefan would be on the winning team. They were the perfect contestants for this challenge. Yet they were picked last and thirdto last. Mind blowing. I just don't see how you pick Hosea and Carla over Fabio and Stefan, or why you would pick Jeff over Fabio and then not use Jeff as front of house.

slutty_whore:

Great recap, Flipit, as per usual, and although you went with the Dame Edna reference, I would have said something more along the lines of Mrs. Slocombe from Are You Being Served, arguably the best character on TV, and I am unanimous in this.

And, as far as cooking with love, watch the movie "Like Water for Chocolate" and you will gain a greater appreciation for Beaker's POV.

And, as much as I hate HoLeah also, we don't know if they have an open relationship with their significant others. Not saying it's right to make out with someone else on camera, but there might be extenuating circumstances.

juddfan:

no wonder they call you slutty whore!!!!

; )

just kidding, I have a feeling it's not the case tho, coz they were suckin' on some serious guilt, visible, and so strong that Hosea and Baldy had to team up to seperate them. Now whodda thunk that would happen, they're the closest thing to enemies the show has . . .

Is anyone calling winners yet, top three?

I had Jamie as winner from the beginning, so with her and Baldy there will need to be a surprise according to DT, so I'm hopin' it's Beaker or Fabio (tho Fab would not be that big of a surprise)

silver:

Loved every single Dame Edna reference. BRILLIANT!

The441commando:

Quick observation: Carla/Beaker and the real Beaker both work in chemistry... "Alchemy Caterers"...

Anonymous:

"The stupidity of this year's contestants aggravates me so much. Okay. It's Restaurant Wars."

Radhika hates Stefan with a passion. As for Jeff honestly would you want him for the front of house they have to interact with the guests and see to their needs.

Radhika was just burnt out.

Donna Martin Graduates!:

Soooo, let me get this straight -- they sack Rad over poor FOH ability but they gave the win to Stefan not Fabio?

whatevs.

Stefan will win this comp, no doubt about it.

And any show with crazy funny guest judges, such as the legendary Housewife Supah-stah - the one, the only - DAME EDNA EVERAGE - (or Shazza Stone) is compelling viewing, um, reading.

Thanks Flip -- TEAM STEFAN!

Donna Martin Graduates!:

I know Beaker's days are numbered, but I am sure gonna miss that wacky chick. It's too bad the judges just don't get her.

CrazyTrain:

Man I miss ya flip! Wonderful recap!

yeschef:

"Soooo, let me get this straight -- they sack Rad over poor FOH ability but they gave the win to Stefan not Fabio?"

It was also Rad's not telling Beaker what to do when she was informed of the difficulties with the desert situation. She could have had Beaker do something else such as putting yogurt soup on the menu.

They were going to sack Beaker until they got informed of Rad being told and Rad not caring about it.

The chef/owner of a restaurant has to make decisions in the kitchen and listen to the chefs. Rad did neither.

Snootchy Bootches:

They should give Beaker her own show. I would absolutely watch that. Hootie-Hoo!

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