Testimonials

Team Groom has Nikki and Evangelass up front, Fleasa as the middle man, and Dale in the kitchen, bitching away about having to cook all the hot dishes alone. I feel bad for the camera guy who had to stand there and listen to him for the entire length of the reception. The groom and various guests work their way through the offerings, with everyone seeming very excited and pleased with the choices. But once the judges sit down to eat and critique, things start looking not so good for Team Groom. Not only do they find Nikki's tortellini poorly made, but the filling is too sweet. The judges also criticize Evangelass's mixed vegetables as being visually unappealing and unoriginal. They do however like Dale's ragu, despite Nikki having bitched away about it earlier.

After dinner, it's time to cut the cakes. Yoda's looks beautiful, and if I didn't know better, I'd think an actual pastry chef created it. As for Fleasa's.... I don't think I'd serve that thing at a five-year-old's birthday party, let alone a wedding. Yeesh. But don't judge a cake by its frosted-by-a-blind-man appearance, as the guests rave about its moist texture.

"Hey stud, lemme give you my number in case this whole marriage-thing doesn't work out."

With the wedding over, everyone heads back to the kitchens for Judges' Table, where Scar calls in Team Bride. But instead of announcing them as the winning team, the judges begin grilling them. Specifically, Daddy Tom scolds Twitch for making the crispy chicken, which was too similar and inferior to the chicken he made last week for the kids challenge. When asked how else he contributed, Twitch mentions the creamed spinach -- which Scar didn't like, and Twitch blames on Richard for adding a last-minute ingredient. But enough fucking around -- Team Bride is the winning team! Dropping their stern personas, the judges heap on praise for the cake, brisket, and pizza -- with Richard getting the win for both his leadership skills and his dishes. In a sweet gesture, he "gives" the win to Yoda instead, and they ultimately agree to "share" the win when the judges announce there is a $2,000 prize for the winner. At home, Richard's wife breathes a sigh of relief and just barely refrains from beating the crap out of him. Bitch likes her stemware, I guess.

Team Groom heads in before the judges, and after asking what each person's responsibilities were, Daddy Tom demands to know who was the team leader. Nikki jumps in to say "definitely not me!" while Dale suffers a mini-aneurism and Daddy Tom and Scar stare at her like she's batshit crazy. Turning to Fleasa, guest judge Gale asks about the cake's fug appearance, and seems satisfied when Fleasa explains the groom's instructions to make sure it didn't outshine the bride's cake. Also helping Fleasa out is that it definitely tasted better than Yoda's. Daddy Tom then begins cataloguing the problems -- the tortellini was dried out and the filling was gross, the flatbread was likewise too hard, some of the meat was overcooked, the horseradish sauce was flavorless, etc.

But when the judges start in on the hard bruschetta bread, Dale snaps, complaining that he did so much more than anyone else. Daddy Tom interrupts to ask if Dale is implying that someone else didn't do enough, and although Dale doesn't technically name names, he clearly looks in Evangelass's direction. A pissed-off Evangelass goads Dale on, saying he's not going to stand here and let Dale pretend he's some God-like figure who did everything for the entire team. Dale accurately points out that Evangelass foisted off some of his veggie work on Dale, which leads to a round of beeps and Evangelass accurately calling Dale a little bitch. The judges finally regain control, and Gail timidly tells Evangelass that they really liked his sea bass, as if afraid he's going to call her a bitch next.

"This is more confusing than the instructions for Salman's penis pump."

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Posted in Top Chef by LoLo at 6:24 PM | Permalink | Comments (11)
Last Comment: elanmilo on May 15, 2008 12:21 PM.