This week on Top Chef, Ripert is back and he's hornier than ever.
Beaten cross eyed.
We open today with our favorite egghead. Stefan feels guilty that Prettyish got sent back to a very painful life at the Dildo Beach Club when he himself made very little effort last week. Sure if he got kicked off it would hurt, but at least he wouldn't have to go back to a bunch of queens in South Beach with endless bags of toys and traffic cones.
Fabio tells us that it was his first time on the bottom (anyone buy that? Raise your hands) and he needs to win an Elimination Challenge soon. No you don't! Just thicken your accent some more and show the judges your bonbon as much as possible. It's gotten you this far! He calls his wife on the Sidekick of Doom. Meh. I don't buy it, tricky editors! There's no way he's going home before Hosea, Leah, Beaker...damn the list of mediocre chefs is long. When Fabio's in my mental top three there's some trouble in the casting department.
Point is, he's on the phone with his wife. I don't understand a thing either one of them are saying, and I think the editors/subtitle writers are in the same boat, cuz they're obviously making shit up. I'm no linguist, but I am sure the following translation can't be accurate:
Anka bebe monkey dante!
I'd like to think his wife is being supportive in a tough love kinda way and saying something along the lines of "America's as sick of your fucking ravioli as I am babe. Stretch it a little bit because I'm tired of living in your grandma's guest room, k? Love you! Don't f anyone or I'll cut your greasy ass! Ciou!" She assures him in English that their restaurant is doing fine, and he says every time she tells him everything's fine he walks into a disaster area. HA. They're cute.
Hosea, cocky and assy as usual, brags to us that he's the only American male left in the competition and he's "gonna take these zeroes down!" And....potatoes. Beaker is thankful to Ronda and Juanita the spirit guides for helping to pull out her recent wins and says that she's underestimated by everyone but she might have a chance after all. Then Ronda starts an argument about the big bank bailout and Juanita ignores her and starts singing the end of Madam Butterfly. I just don't get why no one takes these three seriously. They're all adorable and intelligent.
Scar is waiting in the Never Gonna Be Kenmore Again Because Having Cheap Ovens That Fail Often Is Way More Entertaining For the Audience at Home Kitchen with none other than Eric Ripert! YAY! I love Eric because he's one of the few French people that doesn't make me feel like mud because I'm chubby and also because he didn't even try to hide his lust for Marcel when he guested on season 2. Just in case you forgot, I dug up a pic from the past of the first time he laid eyes on the cute little Monkey.
Gives a whole new meaning to "Monkey Assa Een a Clowna Shale" don't it?
Fabio tells us "he's da god of da French Chef" and Hosea smiles from ear to ear, because French people like potatoes fish and he's a potato seafood chef. I can't tell who Ripert is looking at yet, but he's already totally framing out his crotch.
This dude's sluttier than Michelle Bernstein. And they both need bras.
The Quickfire is a precision knife skill test. They will have three rounds of prepping fish and they're starting with two sardines, which Juanita tells us in a Mary Poppins chimney sweeper voice are "a lihuhl tiny". LOL, Juany. Beaker comes back and says she's nervous cuz she can't stop staring at Ripert with his hands around his crotch like that.
Down, girl! Ripert likes his fish on his plate.
Hosea, as usual, can't help but compare himself to a chef way out of his league.
Inside voice.
It's awesome to see Hosea, after two weeks of dissing Leah for not being able to properly bone her fish, hack his first sardine to bits like a caveman. He says that he's "the fish guy" but he usually just orders boxes of frozen filets from Costco and isn't used to actually having to deal with, you know, skill.
PETA's gonna be waiting outside.
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Comments (23)
Funniest line, and I'm still cracking up: "Holy shit! Well, we know now why Beaker didn't win. She has a jayjay. Stefan better bring a pillow to bite, cuz that's gonna be one rough week."
Didn't Leah say she was the FISH COOK at her restaurant???? I haven't seen her cook one piece of fish that looked edible. Also, the fish that Beaker cooked, Escolar, aka butterfish aka EXLAX fish is known to give you anal leakage, and explosive diarrhea for days. LOL, why would ANYONE serve that in their restuarant???
Why in the world did they keep Leah and let Turtle go? All I have to say is Go Beaker!!!
1 of 23 | Posted by featherhead | Posted on February 7, 2009 4:46 AM
I am loving Stefan right now. He's no Hung, but he's getting there.
I wanna know when Anthony Bourdain's going to guest judge!! We're getting close to the end and he hasn't been on yet. Booo, Top Chef. I want to see him make Leah cry.
2 of 23 | Posted by Pegster | Posted on February 7, 2009 6:14 AM
If it wasn't for these recaps I would probably be done with this season. Stefan is clearly the best. Only his arrogance could cost him this competition. The other chefs cannot compete with this guy.
I cry foul too! The only reason Turtle is out is to keep the Hosea/Leah thing going on. I don't recall any mention of it this episode? Leah needs to go.
There is no drama this season. They are all constantly helping each other which is great in real life but makes for boring TV.
I am in complete agreement with featherhead: the jayjay line was the funniest line ever. I am still laughing about it.
3 of 23 | Posted by el_suavo | Posted on February 7, 2009 7:16 AM
BTW, Hosea called them 'Euros' not 'zeros'. Great recap.
4 of 23 | Posted by hillpete | Posted on February 7, 2009 8:06 AM
Great recap! My favorite was the picture of Hosea trying to get the win for the quickfire! I was dying.
5 of 23 | Posted by flowie623 | Posted on February 7, 2009 8:21 AM
oh yes Pegster, we need some Bourdain! He would reduce Leah to a sniveling, nose wiping, lip scratching, whining mess. Oh wait, she already is one. Seriously, she touches her nose, mouth, and hair ALL the time. How gross to eat her food. Bourdain would shatter her!
Awesome recap as usual Flipit!
6 of 23 | Posted by real_atlanta_girl | Posted on February 7, 2009 8:34 AM
I too was left speechless when Turtle was sent packing. Sharon Stone would have done the right thing and sent Leah home.
There's really nothing interesting about the Mr. Potato Head/PSL might someday hookup story.
OK, this is really nerdy, but I googled the GE Monogram oven and it AND the Kenmore wall ovens both have been recalled due to fire hazards! Great recap again, flipit.
7 of 23 | Posted by shantigal | Posted on February 7, 2009 9:20 AM
For a follow-up online search, plug in "escolar" and any variation of "anal leakage" or "diarrhea" and you'll find plenty of message boards and blogs dispensing harrowing tales similar to Duffy's. Some of these stories offer disturbing, long-winded narratives that begin with a mysterious expulsion of gas and end with a destroyed pair of khakis at a romantic dinner, or, in some cases, a trip to the emergency room by those who feared that their insides had melted.
Maybe that is why Ripert makes all those crazy faces!! All I can say is Never Trust a Fart!!!
8 of 23 | Posted by featherhead | Posted on February 7, 2009 9:46 AM
I refused to watch it, and my son came running to tell me Jamie was out. WTF?
Thank God for FlipIt's reviews, because they're sure more entertaining than this season.
I'm soooo done with this show (unless they bring back Jeff & Jamie - as some rumors are going around). Stefan's pretty good, but he's no Hung, Tre, Harold, Richard or Stephanie.
9 of 23 | Posted by hutchlover | Posted on February 7, 2009 9:51 AM
You outdid yourself on this recap, Flipit! I must have laughed for 5 minutes over the whole Stefan-eel-Satan story and pics. There were plenty of other gut-busting moments here as well. I too thought, after hearing at JT about Leah's messed-up miso sauce, that Stefan's advice might have pushed her in that (wink-wink) direction -- you're the only commenter I've seen mention it. I feared that the expert student was surpassing the master (no, not Stefan and Ripert) after howling over some of JMo's recaps of Top Design, but this one showed me you've got plenty of game in you. More!
10 of 23 | Posted by bfish | Posted on February 7, 2009 10:11 AM
As for the exlax fish guess what beans or chili do the same to a lot of people.
If you don't want the discharge don't eat a lot of the fish or have it grilled to remove the oil.
It's also sold under a lot of names often misleadingly. Plus the close relative of the scolar is often sold as the escolar and that is what causes the trouble most people have since the oilfish is a cousin of the escolar.
11 of 23 | Posted by yeschef | Posted on February 7, 2009 10:24 AM
hello! thanks for reading. i love waking up to laugh at these comments. pegster, you are just poking me with the hung stick woman and i won't bite! i won't! wait i guess i just did damn you!!
bfish, way to keep me on my toes, there, buddy!! ha! jmo is a badass so i am glad to be in the same paragraph. and as far as the whole fish making you poop thing, lol. i hadn't heard that. i love that you always comment like a scholar/doctor yeschef, even when talking about poop fish. thanks for that!
one thing i did read while looking up more on what i already knew on pablo escolar was this:
"New Adventures in Neology
Pablo Escolar: A coke dealer whose product makes you crap your pants.
Ex.: 'Dude, I’m not calling that guy anymore, he’s a total Pablo Escolar. His cocaine always makes me crap my pants.'" who knew this explanation would be all the more perfect this morning?
"to keep the Hosea/Leah thing going on. I don't recall any mention of it this episode?" i can only mention it so much. i was way more interested in riperts fake sex life this week than psl and ho's really gross real one.
i am typing way too much. this is your section. but damn these comments are hilary. ok LOVE
12 of 23 | Posted by flipit | Posted on February 7, 2009 11:23 AM
Flipit, Don't make me use the "Leah" face!! I need your address, I have some Escolar and a pair of khakis I want to send you. Heart..
13 of 23 | Posted by featherhead | Posted on February 7, 2009 2:16 PM
I found Toby Young much easier to take this week when I pretended that he was Christopher Guest in disguise, workshopping an over-the-top character for his next mockumentary about the pretentious foodie world. The ridiculously long labored metaphors feel so Corky St. Clair to me.
14 of 23 | Posted by lagitha | Posted on February 7, 2009 3:37 PM
I lurve Eric Ripert. And your pix of him are freaking priceless, Flipit!!
Ugh, someone please get Hose & PSL off of my TV. I can't stand either one of them. My hate for Hose is higher because he is such a fucking PUSS. I love how he shit talks behind everyone's back - Dude! Grow some balls.
ahem.
Did I mention I lurve Eric Ripert?? :)
15 of 23 | Posted by PottyMouth | Posted on February 7, 2009 9:32 PM
HAHA - Flip - page 1, photos 3 and 4 - HOLY JAY MANUEL! I thought I opened up the ANTM recap for a second!
Dammit Turtle! Why'd you have to F up the celery, now I have to endure more of Leah's insecurity and Hosea's misguided competitiveness. Maybe if Fleasa were on this season and you two had some drunken, late night ugly bumping you'd still be here :(
Seriously, Hosea needs to get kicked off next week, looking at him makes my vagina hurt.
Excelente recap, as usual!!!
16 of 23 | Posted by carmelicious | Posted on February 8, 2009 7:10 PM
Flipit! You kill me! I guess I was oblivious to Ripert's 'mo-ey-ness, but now that I see all those pictures of him... he looks like a sex-offender.
I'm so sick of Leah and her wah wah wah-ing, just go home already, she's a literal hack (and giving up on a Quick-Fire?... why not just do the Poopy-Chee-to-Penis Part Deux?). I thought for sure she was out, but Turtle's clear sense of blah towards Ripert's food probably put her in the noose faster than anything.
Swimming anal-leakage? Not likely to be on my plate any time soon. You nailed it, though, I laughed and giggled my way through it as always. Love to you forever!
love, J-Mo :)
P.S. bfish, you are waaaay too kind to give such high praise, Flip's always been my Top Dawg here, if I can be half as funny as he is, then I feel like I've done a good job. Love and kissy-smoochies to you! xoxox -J
17 of 23 | Posted by J-Mo | Posted on February 8, 2009 9:34 PM
I have a game I play with Flipit's recaps whereby I print them when I come into the office and then carry them downstairs with me for my first cigarette with my serious, earnest, look-at-this-HUGE-pile-of-emails-I-have-to-read-right-away face on. Then, I see how long I can keep the face on once I start reading.
This morning, I made it to "This week on Top Chef, Ripert is back and he's hornier than ever." Very hard to look serious and professional when I'm dangerously close to spewing coffee all over the place.
The Fabio translations KILL me and the Beaker/Juanita/Rhonda conversations...entirely TOO MUCH!!
Thank you for starting my morning with way more than my fair share of frivolity and joy. :) :)
And thank you for limiting your comments on the Leah/Hosea thing...can't STAND them. But I am suddenly crushing on Stefan and think that I need to be slapped. :)
18 of 23 | Posted by kimbubbly | Posted on February 9, 2009 7:42 AM
Agree with the others who want HoLeah GONE! Does she think the faces and talking like an 8 year old are sexy? I think they make her look mentally deficient.
Loves me Beaker, but Stephan appears to be the star this season. Altough agree with Hutchlover - if he were competing against previous season contenders, I don't think he would appear so strong. He's just the best in a very mediocre pack. It occured to me that no one this season is using molecular gastronomy (except for Fabio's olives) or exotic ingredients that make me yell "WTF is that?" at the TV. Meh, this should be called Top Chef Applebee's edtion. Hoping Beaker gets into the final 3, that could be fun.
I no longer hear Toby anymore either, too busy yelling STFU whenever he opens his pie hole. Totally loved Daddy Tom's put down of him - it's harder than it looks!
Flipit, you are the awesomest. I can't wait till the recaps are posted so I can get my giggles.
19 of 23 | Posted by njgasmifan | Posted on February 9, 2009 7:45 AM
Great recap! I too was surprised that Turtle got the boot. Leah sucks. SO does Toby.
BTW, Beaker was talking about "beurre rouge," or "red butter."
20 of 23 | Posted by rubinia | Posted on February 9, 2009 10:52 AM
"It's like when I hold the mirror up behind my head to make sure I got everything and look at that mirror in the mirror in front of me. The baldness goes on for eternity."
Too f'in funny, Flip it!!! I agree with all above, it almost made it ok that Turtle took one for the team!!! I just stared and screamed "Noooooo" at the screen, more becoz I have to listen to that whiney lazy depressed hack PSL for another week--cmon people, did they not want to keep someone who could at least look like a contender against Stephan, who I agree, looks poised to rock this one out.
Don't know if Fabio will make top 3, he's been seeming weak and sliding, whereas Beaker is on the rise, and I'd love to see her go all the way!!!!!
I'd still hit Toby, what is wrong with my twisted self, I always root for underdogs, and I always lust for Assholes . . . but I would have to fill that pie hole first . . . I know, eww!
I'll quit while I'm behind--Can't wait for PSL to go the F away, and I agree about Stephan and the pillow, that sounded like a romantic getaway if I ever heard one!!!
21 of 23 | Posted by juddfan | Posted on February 9, 2009 1:28 PM
So I guess the one that Daddy Tom was talking about when he said he was surprised someone crap made it to the end must be either Leah or Hosea, right? It friggin pisses me off that those two hacks are still in it when my girls Turtle and Girl Prison are gone. That is total bullshit!
And they need to kick Toby the Eff out of Dodge. That guy is extremely annoying. Everytime he opens his mouth, I cringe. Maybe he will see an episode and realize he is making a total douche out of himself on national television.
Anyways, love ya, Flip! *mwah* I was just checking in while on vaycay. And no, Itchy... I said vaycay not vajayjay! :p
22 of 23 | Posted by Snootchy Bootches | Posted on February 10, 2009 9:55 AM
Actually "laughing out loud" while on the internet doesn't really ever happen for me. Until reading this recap, that is. Very, very funny stuff.. and you really nailed their personalities also.
23 of 23 | Posted by vango | Posted on February 19, 2009 11:38 AM