This week, Top Chef taught us trout isn't a fish, too many patterns are a bad sign, and if you wanna win a reality show, ya gotta have heart.
I vant to eat your zoul.
Now, on with my favorite show. Who will win?!? Will it be the tight-assed Texas cutie pie with bunny teeth and Rachel hair, a receded hairline faux hawked gay guy even gay guys wanna gay bash, a humble not Koren pre op tranny with knife skills of a pro and language skills of a...well...Vietnamese immigrant pre-op tranny? Or will our newest Top Chef be the dude with the trollish early 90's "soul patch" who cooks seafood, seafood, and Exorcist pea soup barf? After Ilan, any one of these doodoos shines like the top of the Chrysler Building (to quote the ever sexy Mrs. Hannigan from Annie), so I will be one hundred percent more happy than last time. Although I have to admit, my dream going into this episode is for someone to hold Hung down and try to shave his head. My bad.
The episode begins with the four finalists arriving in Aspen after a break. The producers decided to shoot the finale live this year so Food and Wine Magazine wouldn't have the option of fucking up the end result for us like they did last year. This means that our remaining Chefs have had time to chill with their families, think back on the good times and the bad, and most importantly, they have had a chance to watch clips of themselves unfairly edited together for our general amusement. There has been enough time to ponder their "personas" (and read lots of online recaps and comments), so our beloved Troll Patch shows up...without a patch!! Now he's just...Troll. Aw. He tells us that since the challenge in New York, he's won the title of Best Chef Ever Invented in San Diego. Wow. Hey, San Diego, did part of the New York episode get cut off in your city?
Dig a little deeper, San D.
Bunny Foo Foo, Baldhawk, and Troll (aw) get off their respective planes hugging, kissing, and "holy crap you're so thin!"-ing, and then a calm pervades the air. "Where's Hung?" He/she's at baggage claim all alone. Sad horns. No hard feelings! Dung's the most talented he/she ever, so it's natural that heshe is being snubbed by the plebs. He finally makes it out to the TOYOTA to meet his rivals and there's lots of tense "hey, Dung, you look.......more female?"s and "Ouch why'd you kick me?"s. If this was MTV, Beyonce's "Irreplaceable" would be pumping in the background while Dung proudly marched up the street with his little bag and his huge ego, but it's Bravo, so he gets into the TOYOTA with the rest of the finalists and smiles super-awkwardly.
Taxi!!
After seeing herself on TV, Foo Foo has decided to get rid of the Rachel cut and move on to something a little more modern: The 30 Something Year Old Beat Poet in Silverlake Split End Bobby Pin Bangs do. The title's not as catchy, but the do's just as grodie. Nice work!
Tim Gunn's Guide to Style called. They said you're just too over-qualified for the show.
As they drive and drive and drive (seriously, couldn't anyone closer to the airport donate a few rooms?), everyone's like "wow Colorado's so beaaauuutiful!" and Dung's all "I am." Troll (aw) tells us something, but all I can hear are patterns.
Make it stop.
Look! It's a hot-air balloon! Troll (aw) is so excited at the chance to get away from Oz that he grabs Hung's arm and Hung's like I know you're not touching me right now. Foo isn't too excited about the balloon. She's just a girl! She's gonna hurl! They all fly together and drink champagne and Troll(aw) gives a heartwearming speech. No matter what happens, they all made it to the top four....(growl shout) "but there's still some MONEEEY ON THE LIIIINNEEEE!!" Ugh. Could you shave your personality off? Dung tells us that he's doing this for his immigrant father and all his family and immigrant immigrant wasn't born here waaaah can't talk right me win or I cut you.
Hear to me, Colorado.
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Comments (9)
Flipit, I've been lurking here for quite a while. I finally registered JUST to tell you that this recap is THE FUNNIEST thing I've read in a long, long time! Thanks for starting off my work week with the belly laughs.
1 of 9 | Posted by Jellybean49 | Posted on October 1, 2007 8:23 AM
Flipit, I've been lurking here for quite a while. I finally registered JUST to tell you that this recap is THE FUNNIEST thing I've read in a long, long time! Thanks for starting off my work week with the belly laughs.
2 of 9 | Posted by Jellybean49 | Posted on October 1, 2007 8:25 AM
Great recap, although no mention of how foofoo also got god awful highlights? Seriously, those things were blinding.
And love the new nickname for the troll! Great job
3 of 9 | Posted by lifesabeach | Posted on October 1, 2007 11:29 AM
Hmmnnn, love the screencap of Ripert licking his knife (which he did more than once...) I kept waiting for him to scratch his arse with his fork. What a plebeian!
Bunny Foo Foo won even though her elk was too rare?
I loved BaldHawk's comment that he was known for his sauces -- yeah, especially when you forgot to put them on the dish (the honey sauce).
I like the remaining trio. The finale should be interesting.
TEAM HUNG, I tell ya!!
4 of 9 | Posted by Donna Martin Graduates! | Posted on October 1, 2007 12:09 PM
"Troll(aw) gives a heartwearming speech. No matter what happens, they all made it to the top four....(growl shout) "but there's still some MONEEEY ON THE LIIIINNEEEE!!" Ugh. Could you shave your personality off?"
I basically spit out my diet coke at that line
hilarious :)
5 of 9 | Posted by carrie | Posted on October 1, 2007 2:35 PM
Fraking Hi-larious! I also liked how Daddy Tom donkey punched Troll during the dismissal when he said "You keep saying we haven't seen what you are capable of, but I think we have." It would have been great if he followed up with "back in The Diego you maybe a big fish in a somehat big pond cooking the other fish fish dishes, but here at Top Chef you are a troll patch Fish cooking kermit street pizzas for. . . awww f-it just get out, really leave!" I live in SD, maybe if I find a coupon I will go to Ocean Air and see how good (bad) the food is.
6 of 9 | Posted by mattypopo | Posted on October 1, 2007 4:53 PM
Flipit, no matter what kind of day I've had I can always count on you to make me laugh my ass off! Your recaps are way better than the show itself. I just have to know, do you really have a dog and what is his name?
7 of 9 | Posted by CheriesTake | Posted on October 1, 2007 8:08 PM
Whaaa . . . guess my comment really didn't post this time . . . oh well, not much to add. I did like BH's admission he's done a few cowboys. I'm rooting for the Foo, Girl chef power, whew!
Flipit, in answer to what we'd like to read, anything, doll, anything, just keep us posted. I still haven't heard of this mostest smartest model show, I'll have to hunt! HEART!
8 of 9 | Posted by juddfan | Posted on October 2, 2007 11:33 AM
xoxox flipit... talk to ya soon but I am busy busy... feeding football teams,, young nice looking football teams, ..... you would love it! xoxox
9 of 9 | Posted by giffordsaz | Posted on October 6, 2007 8:24 PM