I love your recaps. The nicknames are awesome. I totally saw them still cooking after the "times up" call. And thought Sattine was wrong, but couldn't remember. Then read Collicio's blog and your recap especially and remembered that he did really lie. Biker chick always made me want to shower, too. Basically you are a much more eloquent me, and better wordsmith too! Keep it up!

*$!@&*!@ Damn I hate sexist pigshit!! He has totally floated by on Big and Lil Volt's coat tails. Can't wait until he gets paired with MaryMann or Sticky Wickett and has to actually DO something.

We didn't see Kevin speak up much at dinner and I am sure he would have rather been able to cook for "The Chef of the Century" but it was a pretty cool prize. I am on edge waiting to see whose food Daddy Tom spits out next week!!

Great job J-Mo, XOXO

Holy shit. I haven't even gotten through reading the first recap. I am studying for two tests, so it is taking some time and you already have another recap up. Alright. I haven't read that yet, but I had to stop to say that is impressive.

So flattered to be mentioned in your recap! As jubilant as I was to see Biker go, I was sad to see Papi go. I loved to hear him talk (and read your imitations here).

I am hoping against hope that Tom spits out Sexist Pigshit's (aka Chiarello 2.0) food, but I think the safer bet is that it's (Not allowed to)Marry Mann's.

Darling J-Mo - yes, the drawing on the face of Sexist Pigshit was juvenile, but I loved it to death! AND I look forward to future small johnson comments.... He is a total asshole. If it wasn't for Big Volt explaining everything to him, his deconstructed sauce would have been a disaster. I'm with Yanksfan - can't wait to see him paired with one of the weaker chefs. What a crash and burn that will be.

Ok - "Li'l Volt's Wabbit will dwess in dwag and dance with Bitter Jen's Sauce Chasseur (be vewy vewy quiet, it weally is called "hunter's sauce"!)" - Gawd J-Mo, give a sistah a chance to get some work done without busting out with laughter. That was seriously funny shit.

I kind of liked Biker's personality, but she could not cook. Sort of a requirement on this show. And it was time for Papa to go, his work seemed clumsy (over done, under spiced, bad concept sort of thing). At this point I am hoping Jen can go all the way, I think in the end it will come down to her, the low voltage twins and Dirty Bear (kudooz to Viane Slice for the prediction last week, I totes agree).

Luvs you J-Mo - xoxoxo

LOVE the recaps.
Jen for the win!!!!
oh and sexist pigshit can DIAF.

Granted, I didn't watch the first two seasons, but I can't remember as big a gap between the top four and everyone else as in this season.

Jenn, the Volts, and Dirty Bear are so clearly ahead of everyone else on this show.

Great recap as always. And I must say I love Dirty Bear. He is too adorable.

Loved the pro wrestling comment... when people tease me for watching wrestling with my fiance I always say have you seen the guys?... Something about large, oiled up sweaty men rolling around on the floor. Ok, it's official. Someone needs to cover RAW on this site.

Oh, JMo, I can't believe you don't think my beloved You-Bear is sexy.

I hope that Fat Kid is reincarnated as a lobster and dismembered alive by a spiky-haired douchebag.

I really don't mind Big Volt that much, and he is probably the most talented chef of the bunch. He and Bitter Jen. At least the Volt boys have the talent to back up their smack talk, unlike a certain dick-faced jackass.

Sattine is making his bid to be Sexist Pigshit's rival in douchebaggery. And he doesn't seem to be a very good cook, especially for a Frenchie. It seems like everything he cooks is bland.

Didn't Dirty Bear look cute in his suit! Even his beard looked neater.

Oh, I forgot to add: Culinary Jesus is as kind as Christian Jesus, isn't he? He really tried (and, in some cases, struggled mightily) to have something nice to say about every dish. ("You speak French very well." Haha. The dude is French!)

You are the funniest man walking (and dancing!). I was snickering like a fool the whole time I read this. The "wabbit" comments just about did me in. I had a vision of Elmer Fudd singing Wagner.

That French wuss lied like a "chien". I think MaryMann should have bitch-slapped him right there, while screaming swear words at him. She could later blame it on "Gilles de la Tourrette syndrome", which she apparently picked up during this French cooking challenge. Just an idea.

Great recap!

'Scargots is yukky! I've tried them a few times and they just taste like horrible chunks of tire to me.

Penis-face is a great look for Pigshit. What a tool!

"Yoda-lookin' fucker" - too funny! Too bad he doesn't talk like Yoda, too!

Boy, Lil' Volt sure looked pissed that Big Volt won. While I would prefer to be top dog, if my brother won, I certainly would be happy for him. Big Volt seems a shoo-in for ending up in the final to me.

Sattine sure did lie about the asparagus in the sauce. Fucking french-fry. Let him sleep with the 'scargots.

Ok - the hydrocodones are kicking in, so I best sign off.

Lots O' Love

J-Mo, I must be an immature lil bitch because the picture of Sexist Pigshit with dicks all over his face made me laugh for five minutes straight. I also can't wait for him to be paired with one of the weaker chefs - ugh. I can't stand him.

I really missed Eric Ripert among the Frenchies, but I understand why he wasn't there given that Bitter Jen works for him. Le Sigh.

And speaking of snail porn, did you ever see the episode of Bizarre Foods where Andrew Zimmern introduces us all to snail caviar? It was introduced to the world by this French couple who house the snails in this porn barn where all they do is fuck, eat and lay eggs. Snail sex is not really something I needed to see in this lifetime.

Love ya!
SWAK, PottyMouth

Am I imagining things or was Jen and Lil' Volt making with the flirty eyes at JT? The way they kept complimenting each other on details of their dish. Even the judges spotted something when they asked her about teaming with Lil' Volt.
I wouldn't be against this pairing, much unlike the Hosea-Leah mess from last season, since these two are skilled chefs and aren't as toolish as Hosea-Leah.

Team Bitter Jen all the way. I really love how when she made the losing women comment she said "we" have to step up our game when obviously she is kicking ass. She is confident, yet modest. She seems to be a real team player but won't let anyone walk all over her. Love her! Dirty Bear would have to be my second fave, followed up by Big Volt. I like Lil Volt as well, but he is almost as big of a prick as Sexist Pigshit. And even though I think Lil Volt is a bit of a prick, I think he and Jen would make a great couple cause she'd knock him down a peg or two and they seemed to work very well together. Granted, I dont want to see a repeat of Hoser / Leah (gag me), but ya know, after the season is over... if they're single.

Oh, and can someone ban icemayer already? I'm getting really sick of the tall finder shit.

It was quick, but in the stew room while they were waiting for Scar to appear, there was a shot of Jen & 'Lil looking very familiar with each other. She had her head on his shoulder and finger hooked in his chef sleeve.

jungaluv, don't get my hopes up!

Great great recap J-Mo...creative as usual...too many zingers to name. So much fun!

njgasmifan- yo, I didn't even think anyone read anything I wrote. I, too, didn't think Biker Chick was bad just overwhelmed, it seemed. Poor Papi - I forgot all about him. When I saw that bloodied hacked piece of supposed cow meat I knew he was going home.

Yanksfan- I was soooo hoping Sexist was going to tank. But nope he got the great good luck to latch onto Big Volt. He's like the loser kid who's at the popular people's table because there is nowhere else to sit. Just because they don't boot his butt to sit on the floor he thinks he belongs. I would love to see him paired with a weaker chef, let's see how he does then.

Phane- I too thought Jen and L'il Volt seemed a little gooey on each other. At least they both can cook and get along. I can see it now: I bet L'il Volt likes lots of cuddling and needs a safe word like "Michelin". Every time he starts talking smack Bitter Jen would brain him with a saute pan and he would love her for it.

Can't wait for the next installment. Take care Gasmii.

Excellent as always, J-mo!!! Seems I'm so late here, all has been covered, so I'll just add . . . okay, is it me, or does Dirty Bear look exactly like the young Kris Kringle from those xmas movies of yore--right!?

Hate douche face like you all, I hate wasting my energy hating on someone so undeserving of my chi, but at least he saw Jen as a top "guy" with him . . . sigh . . . I too hope DT spits his food, please, please!!!

Also, anyone notice douche dunked Sattine in the cake, and then got chase by him in his speedo, and later pushed in the pool--talk about latent.

I don't think I fully understood the lie thing till the cap, LAME!!! I didn't see the distinction of the sauce as opposed to the plate.

Lastly, agree on top 4, pretty f*in obvious, so lets see how it plays out, and I hope a volt knocks a volt from the final so we can dispense of the poor sportsmanship. I'd be happy for most team mates getting a win, esp family--lame.

Loved the energy of lil volt and Jen, so nice to see that kind of telepathy at work!

KISSES (and SWOK potty ; )

Alright I asked this with the last recap and didn't receive an answer. I would like to believe that I wasn't being ignored, but that everyone was rushing to read the new recap and didn't read the comments from the older recap. But why don't military kitchens have stoves? Is that the case for every military kitchen or just this one? I was just confused because I would think that a stove would make cooking much easier.

There isn't much else to say that someone hasn't said before me. Except to continue to voice support for Sexist Pig to get his ball sack caught between Bitter Jen's foot and a wooden cutting board. It is only fair. It is what he deserves. And Mo-J or J-Mo, as it were, I am so happy that you didn't wait to draw penises all over his face. Although that is a tactic employed by one of your fellow gays that I find annoying and irksome, but when you did it. It was cute and funny and endearing. You are my most favorite gay who appears on a website.

This season a bit better than last season because I feel that a majority of the cooks have actual skills and talent. As opposed to last season when it just seemed that most of the chefs were a bunch of hacks. I know that they have to stock these shows with some personality types because it supposedly make the shows more interesting. But I have always enjoyed that Bravo does try to cast people on Top Chef that have talent.

But there are always a few chefs that make into the top four not because of their mad cooking ability, but because of their mad douche bag ability. Ie: ilan- who won because he was the biggest and best asshole douche out of all the chefs and he created a feud with Mister Heat Miser Hair, spit foam maker extraordinaire, Marcel.

And I hope that won't be the case with Sexist Pig. His skills don't match up with those of Bitter Jen, the Volts, or Dirty Bear. What was very unsettling is the picture of Dirty Bear in his suit because he doesn't clean up so well. In attempting to look nice and presentable in his suit, he actually looks more dirty and disheveled. I think a shave would do him well, but maybe he is trying to hide his lack of chin or that he has more than one.

Anyway. Thank you, thank you, thank you for the laughs. I stop to read your recaps when I am taking a break in studying or doing homework. I use them as incentive to get work done because I can only start to read them after doing X amount of work. So thank you for the laughs. Laughter makes life so much better.

This had me laughing all the live long day.
I stopped to laugh while staring at it in the grocery store and wondering if you ever brought it into your bedroom. Because I think it is damn sexy cheese and could be used in a variety of foreplay situations.

But..."Hello! Did you not see my Velveeta suggestion above?"

Also the call on Sexist Pigshit covering his in ouzo. I hadn't see the episode and had no idea that he actually did use ouzo. So it made me laugh so hard that ouzo shot out of my nose and out of my anus. You make me anus wet. Oh yes you do. But not in a creepy way, just in a ouzo way. Wait, what, time to stop writing now.

reckless_saturn_11 - I cooked in restaurant kitchens for several years before changing careers and think I may be able to answer your question.

While we had stoves and pots and pans, we also had some of the equipment they showed at the military base. When you are feeding hundreds or thousands of people, conventional stoves and cookware just aren't enough.

For instance, you may have a large "pot" mounted on the floor that holds 50 gallons, as opposed to having 10 5-gallon pots on a stove. Same with the things that look like huge electric fry pans.

If they used conventional commercial pots and pans, they may need 50 or 100 burners to allow them to cook enough food. By using the super-large-capacity alternatives, I am sure they are able to save a lot of space and heat when cooking such enormous quantities of food.

While I am certainly not an expert, and have not worked in kitchens for many years now, this is just my opinion based on what knowledge I have, as well as watching cooking shows. I've seen some of this large-quantity equipment before, such as caterers that throw parties for 2,000 or 3,000 people, and it makes sense that it would be much more practical than conventional cookware.

Thanks for letting me put in my two-cents (ok, it was enough to call it a nickel) worth.

OMG, you guys are so sweet and cracking me up at the same time!

reality... sugarpie, that's too kind of you, thank you! xoxo :)

Yanksfan24... chile, you hit the Sexist Pigshit Nail on the HEAD... he's totally skating by on the Volts, I agree with you, he's headed for a smackdown when he's forced to fend for himself! xoxo :)

reckless_saturn_11... Aww, thank you darlin', I can get a lot of stuff done when I don't have to do pesky things like sleep, LOL! xoxo :)

messystation... LOL, you're welcome, and you're right, I'm running out of fun accents to transcribe, DirtyBear doesn't even have enough of a Southern accent to bother with, Fat Kid's NYC accent is kind of annoying (and I don't like him enough to play phoneticizing with his asinine little speeches) and Island Mon Ron has a total mouthful of marbles, and I don't know how to transcribe that! Aaaaaaugh! xoxo :)

njgasmifan... Yay, another fan of juvenile penis drawings! Happy dance! Awso, I'm gwad you wiked my Ewmer Fudd wefewences, LOL. xoxo :)

hollagirl2... Thanks, and just so I'm not feeling stoopit, does "DIAF" = "Die In A Fire" or "Drive In A Fiat"? xoxo :)

Alafoss... I think you're right, it sure seems like the frontrunners ran to the front pretty quickly out of the gate this season. The rest of them are just struggling to stay in the middle... but stay tuned, they aren't all teflon-coated! xoxo :)

mystic1477... Ohhhhh, yes, pro-wrestling = free-almost-porn (and free nice asses in spandex close-ups). I long for the days when Hulk Hogan was actually pretty sexy instead of the busted-up beef jerky he's become. Thanks for reading! xoxo :)

pixielated... girl, you know I love DJ YouBear, but he just does not turn me on at all. I do agree with you that Big Volt is a tad less assholish and cocky than Li'l Volt is, and that makes him MILES more likeable in my book. xoxo :)

Baffled... Aww, you're too kind! I'm not sure if I can be the "funniest man walking" because I think Flipit really has that nailed down, but I'll take "funniest man dancing" for sure! xoxo :)

arizonatom... Escargots taste like chunks of tire? Would that be MICHELIN tires? LOL! P.S. I'm jealous you have hydrocodones! xoxo :)

PottyMouth... LOL, yay for immaturity! I'm so glad to know I'm not the only one who thinks like that. I think you may be right about why Eric Ripert was not there, perhaps that would have seemed like a conflict of interest with his employee Bitter Jen being there. And snail sex? Blurk! Thanks for the lovin' sweetie! xoxo :)

Phane00... you know, going back and watching that again, I did not catch the BitterVolt sparks flying, but you might be right. I dunno how I'd feel about such a pairing, but you're right, it's a DEFINITE step-up from the Fuggo-Couple Hoser & Possible Stalker Leah from last season! xoxo :)

cansnuts... See above, and yes, Flipit is totally aware of this asshat icemayer and his awful bullshit spamming fuckstain behavior, and is patiently working to weed him out. And what the fuck do I care about tall singles, anyhow, give me the site where the WIDE singles hang out, dammit! xoxo :)

jungaluv... okay, now I TOTALLY missed that BitterVolt moment, and that seriously disturbs me. Honestly I think that Li'l Volt would make a REALLY great boyfriend, the kind that tells you how fat you are, does no housework, goes out with his friends till all hours, comes home drunk at 4am wanting to throw a fuck into you and then only lasts 23½ strokes before he's done. I think he'd just make Bitter Jen into Hemlock Jen, so I think I'm going to vote against this showmance, LOL! xoxo :)

Viane Slice... *I* read what everyone writes in comments, never fear (even if I don't always have the time to respond) and I have to say I do feel a little bad for Biker Chick, I'm sure she's a sweet girl, she just buckles under competition pressure, and honestly, there's nothing wrong with that, she's hopefully a good executive chef and came by that position because of her skillz! Thanks for commenting! xoxo :)

juddfan... LOL, you're right, DirtyBear could be DirtySanta, except that nickname only brings up the image of Ron Jeremy in a Santa suit with his dick hanging out, so no. I also wouldn't be surprised if Sexist Pigshit was a self-loathing closet case, he seems to chat it up with Gay Ashlee an awful lot. xoxo :)

reckless_saturn_11... See ArizonaTom's response to your question, I think he did a good job of answering it. The only other reason I was able to come up with was maybe they don't do gas cooking on a military base because it's a bigger fire hazard if the base gets attacked? That's a total shot in the dark, but it's the best I can come up with. Also, I wasn't sure what other Internetz Gay you were referring and then it hit me: I totally FORGOT that Perez Hilton does dicks-on-the-face all the time! I rarely bizzit his website, especially since the whole debacle with will.i.am and his setting gay rights back about 20 years bullshit, but I'm glad my dicks-on-the-face was cuter than his! You made my day that you enjoyed the recaps so much, it makes it all worthwhile for me, so THANK YOU! xoxo :)

areyoucliff... Hmmm, I've never tried Velveeta in bed, but it sounds intriguing. I'll have to let you know. As for making your anus wet, well, you're welcome, I do my best. xoxo :)

ArizonaTom... Thanks for the insight, I'm always happy to have someone weigh in who knows what they're talking about (as opposed to me, since I really have no clue from whence I speak, LOL). You're welcome to drop dimes and nickels and quarters here anytime! xoxo :)

Thanks guys, you're the best!

love, J-Mo :)

haha J-MO
DIAF = Die in a Fire....although Drive in a Fiat works equally well!