Yay!! A little J-Mo in the morning is better than my venti caramel macchiato from StarFucks.

I think there are a lot of really good chefs this season which should make for much drama. So many of these guys have such huge egos, it's going to be fun watching them get their asses handed to them.

I loved Wolgang Puck - he was so freaking cute, and I loved that he threw that donut across the room. Tom looked like he thought mom was going to come in and yell at them.

Is it just me or does Sattine look like he'd be perfectly cast in the live action version of Ratatouille?

Love you J-Mo!
SWAK, PottyMouth

Ok, there can NEVER be too much J-Mo in my week! This was an awesome recap -chock full of funnies. I especially loved the Slumdog Millionaire reference...

I have often wondered whatever happened to Natalie from Facts of Life - apparently she went to cooking school, got a bunch of tats and piercings and is now known as "Biker Chick". It's been a hard life for little Natalie...

Saittine reminded me of a Boy Scout (although we all know their positon on gays, not sure where they stand on the French) with his little neckerchief.

Once again my home state has a total ass for a representative in Sexist Pigshit. Oh well, I am praying he does not last long. The Total Tool brothers can leave my screen, too.

Must say, I love Wolfgang. The donut toss was hilarious - as was his comments. Daddy's terrified look at Jen's kiss was worth rewinding and replaying.

Droned on long enough - J-Mo, you are amazing. Keep up your hysterical recaps! hugs - xoxo

Oh - and one more thing. I continually crack up at the looooosahs who insist their food(or design) is great, even after the judges say it sucked. Train from Delusionalville, now pulling into the station!

Sexist Pigshit better get some comeuppance this season. I hope someone calls him out on his comments.

Great recap J-Mo. I'm really looking forward to them all. I did notice that you had nothing to say about Gail's clothing choices. Dare I say Ms. Simmons is dressing better?

Not since the days of Eddie AnalPuckerRoss of Top Design has there been such a grand asshat to hate on. Thank you Sexist Pigshit for your future offensive comments.

There's no way 80's Hooker is 43. She's every bit of 57. You're right, this is a hard lookin' and hard livin' bunch, but some major talent and ego's as PottyMouth mentioned.

Bon appetit-shanti

I want J-Mo to hang out with me just so he can help me come up with nicknames for all my friends (and enemies?!)

Thank goodness Scarred is gone, I could not take another week of looking at her stretched earlobes. They make me want to barf. And Mike I is a douchebag to the nth degree...why is there always one (at least) in every season?Love ya J-Mo, loved the recap.

J-Mo ...
This was hilarious ! Great job ! Now every time I make pork chops I am going to think of you and the "porkpile" comment !

Great recap, J-Mo! Like many of the chefs, my vice is also alcohol - especially during my favorite reality shows. It's always nice to have the recap to help me recall what I watched!

PottyMouth - I totally agree about Sattine. As soon as I saw him I thought of Ratatouille. J-Mo, I vote for a new nickname!

Man, what a sweaty ugly looking bunch, it kinda grossed me out imagining anyone of those Chefs sweating all over my food. EW!

Next week, first ever battle of the sexes. I think that was totally done on purpose with all the unidentifiables around. I wasn't sure Preeti was a dude or a girl until I read your recap, her parents named her Preeti for nothing. I also kinda found Ashley attractive and then I was like "Oh, shit that's a girl!"

Oh, and FYI fondue is not big in Puerto Rico but chicharrones are...

I didn't realize OutGay's real name is Ash Fulk, which instantly made me think of "Ass Fuck." I shouldn't laugh at people's real names, but he's a reality fame-whore, so who cares?

All these long nights of viewing have got me pooped!

Being a gay myself, I find it very hard to believe Ratatouille is not a sister . . . is it me . . . she reeks sister with every drop of her body language . . . but says she'd like to spend her last meal with Jessica Alba . . . as always, if ya ain't gay, I feel for you, coz there's not many out there that scream into the room worse than I . . .

Hate sexist with a passion, almost from first sight, before a word was spoken, also fat kid . . .

anyhoo, I was so tired I missed the earlobes, and I didn't notice it said Scarred on her chest--good to know, I guess . . . I was a vegetarian for seven years and I've never heard of wheat meat, but I imagine the smell of a protein shake if you didn't rinse the glass quick enough.

The brothers douche have some kind of hate going on there. I say bitter Jen in the top group, with dirty bear and . . . . eh, who knows. Hate dirty's beard, bleeech . . . and is he 25! My lawd . . .

Thanks for the bliss and glee, J-mo!!! Looking forward to a rewarding season with you at the helm!

Kisses

Wait a minute, juddfan, who is "Ratatouille"? Did I miss a nickname? Is it the French guy?

Juddfan: 'mo here as well, and Ima wondering about Rat as well. However, some frogs are just very wet, even if they do hop after the (real) princesses.

Great recap J-Mo!

Your erection comment reminded me about Spaz and his "culinary boner" from a past series (can't recall which one right now).

I am SO waiting for Sexist Pigshit to crash and burn - what a complete asshole! It would serve him right if every quickfire and challenge from here on out was won by a girl, besting him every time. I'd bet LeeAnn and Tiffany would have been able to kick his ass. Maybe LeeAnn will work behind the scenes to fuck him up? Hahahaha.

The suh-veetch didn't have an "e" because there wasn't enough of it on the damn plate to finish spelling it. I won't go to her restaurant, it probably charges $20 for an appetizer that size. That wouldn't even amuse a Bouche!

"Nay, Ya Zit" = FABULOUS!!

Papi Cholo sayed "ceegar smogeeing an whadnod" - makes me wonder what "whadnod" is? Is he a secret Rasta?

Is it just me, or do the steaks they cooked tonight look completely RARE?! What ever happened to a nice medium-rare (cool pink, not flaming red)?

Could the birch bark be his Bourbon Reduction Caramel (although stiffer than your usual caramel)? I didn't pay attention during the show, but it looks like it could be? Maybe?

BUY WAR BONDS = Hilarity ensues! Where DO you come up with this shit? Your brain must be SO twisted! I love it!

Yay, Scarred is gone, along with her Earlobe Holes and Wheat Meat! Good riddance! Now we gotta work on getting rid of the New Jersey Jackass!

Till next week . . .

Lots O' Love

Awesome recap, as per usual. Cracked me up. I have one point of contention with you, which you are free to mock me mercilessly for... I have chest tats. I actually have four tats on my chest, and I've never in my life had a problem getting laid. I think those girls are closet lesbians, and believe me when I say that lesbians fucking love ink on a lady. Anyway, continue snarking. Just wanted to disprove a theory. You may now make fun of me for being covered in tattoos.

"'This is one less old lady I have to worry about.' Boy, is he gonna feel like shit for saying that in a few episodes."

Is this foreshadowing or just wishful thinking?

Oh this recap made me cry because of your dislike of tattoos especially chest tattoos. This mean if my creepy dream of getting to meet you in real life and being your friend would never work out. Because I have tattoos and one on my chest. However, it has never kept me from attracting partners, but now it will keep me from having J-Mo as my friend. Big Bummer.

Ugh- Top Chef's recipe, see what happened there, for casting their Top Chef contestants it to cast one, maybe two, guys to be the villain of the cast. So in the end they can pit the nice guy against the douchy, dick head. And sexist pig is fitting that guy perfectly. I am just wondering who will be the nice the guy.

Oh and seitan is disgusting stuff especially since it just wheat gulten and it taste like wallpaper paste. I used to live at a yoga center that only served a vegetarian diet. I spent some time working in the kitchen and we would have to prepare the seitan and it was disgusting stuff. We would also have to defrost huge packages of the stuff and it had the texture and appearance of baby vomit. We did call it- Satan.

Ummm, I'm kinda interested in the whole chest tattoo thing. What kind of chest tattoos do you girls have? Cause if you tattooed "Scarred" on your chest I'm pretty sure you won't get laid. That's like holding up a caution sign that says "Hey, I have issues!". But I guess that if you had those cute paw prints that Eve has it wouldn't be a deterrent to your sex life...

PottyMouth... Girl, I am right there with you bout Wolfie, I have often longed to chuck donuts across the room, so he's lived a fantasy of mine. As far as Sattine looking like Ratatouille, I can't judge, I've never seen the movie... xoxo :)

njgasmifan... You are too sweet to me! And don't worry about that asshat from your state, he's going to make for some wonderful tiny-penis jokes coming up, so actually I quite love him being here and pretending it's still the 50's... xoxo :)

silver... Thank you so much! And actually I left Gail Simmons alone this time because she wasn't wearing ruffles (for once) but I expect she'll be back to the too-tight-tops in no time! xoxo :)

shantigal... LOL, I think you're right that a lot of these people are fudging their ages, but 80's Hooker may actually have a valid excuse for looking a little tireder than most, and it'll be revealed later on. xoxo :)

Yanksfan24... Awww, you are such a sugarpie! And I'm with you, that stretched-out-earlobes shit is just too creepy, all I can think of when I see it is a combination of National Geographic Magazine and pain. Besides, I suspect Miss Scarred may have a bit of a defense-mechanism attitude because of her appearance... xoxo :)

Pyper... OMG, you make porkchops? Let's have dinner! Thanks for the kudos! xoxo :)

allycatt... Shucks, you're too kind! And I'm all for everybody having akamahol for their vice, it's fun and it's legal! xoxo :)

Nimabu... OMG, THANK YOU for clearing up my Fondue-Sets-Running-Rampant-In-Puerto-Rico dilemma, I was afraid that all of those 70's wedding gifts had migrated south and were now polluting your beautiful island! I agree, this IS a fugly bunch, but it's time they chose some not-so-pretty people to be on TV for a change! xoxo :)

slutty_whore... OMG, I ALMOST nicknamed him "Ass Fuck" but then I thought that might be just a smidge too vulgar to write week after week. Also, why is he a fame-whore? What other shows has he been on? He seemed a little too boring to me to have been a pro at reality TV, so what's the 411, girl? xoxo :)

juddfan... Thank you so much for the compliments, and didn't you have a little fun seeing DirtyBear shirtless? I bet you did! Now if we could just hold him down and get a pair of clippers to trim that ZZ Top thing he's got going on... xoxo :)

pixielated... Yes, apparently Sattine also looks like (s)he could have been in the movie Ratatouille... I'm on the fence myself about whether or not to change the nickname... And yes, the comment about Sexist Pigshit feeling bad for talking shit about 80's Hooker is foreshadowing, not just my wishful thinking... he really is going to feel terrible, I'm sure. If you've seen some of the previews you might already know what's up, but please, nobody spoil it just yet, K? xoxo :)

arizonatom... "The suh-veetch didn't have an "e" because there wasn't enough of it on the damn plate to finish spelling it." One word: BRILLIANT. xoxo :)

TheMiki... My sister, pay no attention to who I say is or isn't getting laid... the truth of the matter is that I'm not getting laid, and I'm a little bitter about it, so I'm just taking out my frustrations. Girl, if the ink gets you in the pink, I say go for it! xoxo :)

Thanks for your comments, guys, as always you crack me up!

love, J-Mo :)

Oh, and reckless_saturn_11... Oh, don't be mad, we can still be friends! You should keep in mind that I lie a lot when I recap, you can't trust that everything I say is really how I feel or what I think (even if I preface it with "I have to be honest here...") it's just part of the gig. Truth is I don't mind tattoos so much in real life... the only thing that bothers me about them is the fact that I'm too much of a big pussyfoot to ever submit to getting one. See? More projection on my part! Fear not, ink fans, I ain't really hatin'!

love, J-Mo :)

J-Mo,

Loved the recap - awesome as always!

I'm so jealous you'll be seeing the beautiful Shannel in Vegas. I met her back in April (and saw her perform) and she's the best! Have fun!

Actually J-Mo, my parents have a really 70's looking fondue set that they unearthed the other day for some strange reason. So maybe at some point those 70's wedding gifts did migrate to the south!

Nimabu-- I have a Poe quote across my collar-bone, from shoulder to shoulder. I have a KT logo (it's a pi symbol/greater than/less than thing... Hard to describe), I have a little skateboarding stickfigure chick, and I have a tetris piece tattooed between my boobs. Hahaha. I'm just gonna find a picture where you can see them all and post it in the 'Famewhore' thread on the bb. Check there for further details

@ J-Mo... I wasn't clear... I didn't mean that he was on another show (to my knowledge), I just meant his name was fair game to be made fun of since he was shilling for reality fame on Top Chef.... sorry if I was unclear.... although, on second thought, he looks like Morgan Spurlock's gay brother!

Ahhh, okay, I get it now... I was just curious if I was missing some other cheftasticness that he he perpetrated elsewhere... but so far he's been reeeeeeally boring... being the only gay NYC chef is just not enough, he either needs to start getting catty and bitchy or he needs to try and sleep with one of the Dick Brothers and cause a big fight, otherwise zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz...

love J-Mo :)

J-mo, dahlink! Could you believe I was so tired watching the epi, I didn't even see Dirty Bear in his shirtless glory--I'll have to check the Tivo.

On the tattoo's, since it's come up, I personally don't have any, not for any other reason than I can't think of anything I wouldn't get sick of. If I'd gotten some in the 80's, my most radical period, I know i would cringe to see them now (though, I did want to do a bar code on the back of my neck, which has come to fruition on some, including "Dark Angel" the TV show (speaking of Jessica Alba) I would still be okay with that, if I had it. I'm actually a bit too hairy of a guy to pull off tattoo's, and i always wonder how that is addressed among the tatted.

To end, Antonio on Design Star is super tattoo'd, chest and all, and I would hit that like a home run to the moon and back again!!!

Using Rat as a nickname was in homage to Pottymouth's comment . . . I know Mr. J-mo is a fluid nicknamer and can cycle thru several per cap, so I respect whatever the designated name is, which are usually easier to remember than the real names . . . XOXOOXXO

Duh! I can't believe I missed that in Pottymouth's comment, or forgot it!

JMo not getting laid? Unreal!! Vegas should fix that!

(Count em, five exclamation points! Now six.)

Haven't seen the episode so I don't feel right commenting on it.

But I will provide info on the hairy guy tattoo question.

Hair is indeed a major problem with tattoos. It can literally obstruct the tattoo so people cannot even see it depending upon the inks used. The best tats use very colorfull inks and actually look like a painting cost a fortune and most of the people who can do the job don't live in the US and you don't use a tat gun to apply the tat. Traditional techniques are used so it takes weeks and costs a small fortune. Guys either shave it regularly if the tattoo is in an easy to reach place or they get waxes etc if it is say on their back. They shave off the hair in the region before applying the tattoo as well. Some tattoos actually incorporate the hair growth patterns so it looks like the tattoo say has a mane for a lion or tail and mane for a horse for example. It depends upon how hairy the area and how dark it is someone with light blond body hair could get away with a tat since under normal light the hair is barely visible.

About the only things that can be done to lessen the amount of hair for a guy is to have the hair laser treated off or have electrolysis done which after a few treatments kills the hair entirely still takes time and a lot of money. Laser treatments you gotta get before the tattoo since the laser hair removal treatment is the same type of laser treatment done to remove tats (note it doesn't remove all of it, it lessens it enough that if makeup is applied people won't be able to tell it is there, tats really are permenant) and it would be cheaper to do it before deciding to do electrolysis after the tat has been applied.

Some tat studios can do a paint job that lasts for a few weeks so you can decide if you want to spend years with a tat on and get people's opinions. You will likely when going to a very nice tat parlor ask for a consulation mention it's your first time going in to talk about getting one and you want the skinny on everything about tats and what not to get for example someone's name. Always a huge ass mistake to get a name tat of someone you are involved with. Nor get the tat when you are drunk or on drugs. Stuff like that should be common sense when getting tats but isn't.

hmm, Thanks yeschef--Now I'm free to get J-mo tatted on me chest in effigy!!!

Yes, Mr. Mo, I love you that much!!!!

XOXOXOXOXO