Another season of Top Chef has come to an end, but there are still lots of questions left unanswered. Why did Cliff get so violent with Marcel? Why did Frank drink so much? And how in the HELL did Ilan win this thing? Wait. Sorry. That was last year. There wasn't too much drama this season, just a lot of passive aggression and, gasp, cooking. Don't worry, though. This cast may not have given us fireworks, but it's the most sensitive group to date which means there are lots of hurt feelings that need to be (quietly) talked out now that all's said and done. God, please let me see Baldhawk cry. Love, Flipit.
Aw, Dawson. Let it out.
Back to slice and dice the contestants while wearing the biggest shit eating grin on his face you've ever seen is Andy Cohen. My friend Amanda asked me if the host was the same Andy Cohen that played Chunk in the movie Goonies. No. Chunk is Jeff Cohen, who grew up to be a kinda fat, happy, entertainment lawyer. The Bravo host is Andy Cohen, the evil Bobblehead from the last reunion show. Got it?
The show opens with a touching short film about a little boygirl from Little Vietnam who knew he was destined to be Top Chef one day. As Hung puts it: "When I was little, I watch cooking show instead of cartoon". Hey! That's how I knew I was gonna be a recapper! Instead of play with the other children I make fun of them. Hung tells us how he used to go out to eat at restaurants with his family and then come home and replicate the meal. Like one of those freakish little children who can hear a song on the radio and then recite it perfectly on a viola. Impressive? Yes. But admit, deep down we all know that kids like that are just wrong. Hung's father must have been like "listen, kid. I just escaped from mothuhfuckin' Vietnam. Could you give the Julia Child bs a rest and make me a peanut butter sandwich?"
Next, we are treated to a montage of Hung jumping out of bed in the morning like his ass is on fire and scurrying through every challenge frantically asking who moved his cheese. Dude, the cameras are on. We know you're dedicated, but could you at least wait to jump up until your morning wood is soft? There might be children watching this show instead of cartoon!
Mmmm. Yeah. Cooking yeah sautee sous vide monkey marinate oh yeah...BUZZ! TIME TO WAKE UP!!
The other contestants referred to him as "Speedy Gonzalez", "Energizer Bunny" and "Asshole", but I prefer "Asian Tranny Running From a Pickup Truck Full of Angry Frat Boys Down Santa Monica Blvd." This whole Dung montage is just adorable. Remember what a little boogar he was this whole season? Everyone just laughs and laughs through the clips of this guy acting like a complete asshole, and you can't really blame them because it's all edited together like a heartwarming sitcom, complete with goofy horns and silly faces. No one is more amused than Hung himself.
Music from the Lifetime Original Movie "Woman Who Learned Her Lesson" soundtrack plays as we flashback to Hung's final speech at Judges Table. You remember it, cuz it was like last week. Soul mom cooked dad escaped from Vietnam soul heart deep soul glow heart heart. Moral of the story? SOUL. Hung laughs and high fives himself as he watches. This montage should win the Acadamy Award for Excellence in Shady Editing. There's so much Vaseline on the lens in one shot that Dung looks like Pia Zadora.
Miss Zadora, I loved you in Voyage of the Rock Aliens!
I have to give Baldhawk credit for being the only one to look like he's gonna barf. Bobblehead asks the group if Hung deserved the prize, and they (almost) all answer yes. Baldhawk takes the floor and says that this was such a great season that they all deserved to win and any one of them could have. Sorry, but no. He's trying to sound all sweet and complementary, but squeeze this bitch just little and sour grape juice will leak down his cheeks. "It doesn't matter who won!" Sorry, but uh-huh. The person who wins gets a lot of money and photo shoots and attention and love. You get nothing, Baldhawk! Move on! His sad speech reminds me of my favorite bumper sticker saying ever:
"You're special. Just like everyone else."
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Comments (11)
Flip, you made my Top Chef watching experience much better with your recaps. Thanks! And this was was perhaps your best. What movie was that clip from?
By the way some of your screengrabs reminded me of *my* favorite bumper sticker ever, "Fat People are Harder to Kidnap".
1 of 11 | Posted by RachWho? | Posted on October 14, 2007 7:07 AM
The movie clip is from Gypsy starring Natalie Wood and Rosalind Russel. The strippers are telling the young Louise how to make it in the world of burlesque. Louise decided that she would be the lady of strippers and became Gypsy Rose Lee.
2 of 11 | Posted by yowala | Posted on October 14, 2007 11:04 AM
BaldHawk is a hypocrite!! He was preaching about how a true great chef should help others along the way even if it's a competition. Yet he could not acknowledge Hung won the competition and derserving so. That makes him look like a bitter queen. The competition is over at least have some humility to admit Hung edges him out on this season. His claim to love all men ,I wonder if he includes Hung? Well at least Hung have Marcel when he goes home. LOL
3 of 11 | Posted by bambinoitaliano | Posted on October 14, 2007 12:44 PM
BaldHawk is definitely a sore loser. he didn't have a shot in hell to win that and the fact that he made it to final 2, he should've been grateful. if foofoo hadn't screwed up, he wouldn't have had that spot either. lame.
4 of 11 | Posted by lolafan | Posted on October 14, 2007 2:30 PM
This definitely has to be the funniest recap yet. I like the vision of a topless Gail and an ultra-high Scar deliberating while Ted twiddles his thumbs and Daddy Tom rolls his eyes in total disgust.
5 of 11 | Posted by snorwich | Posted on October 14, 2007 4:12 PM
"Troll(aw) starts to answer the question instead, but is suddenly shot in the chest with a horrible sweater."
why are you so effen hilarious Flipit? Dang, I heart you. thx for all the great recaps this season!
6 of 11 | Posted by carrie | Posted on October 16, 2007 8:02 AM
OMG I was laughing for about a half hour watching Natalie Wood play young Hung being schooled by his Aunties. That's the most hilarious thing I've seen in quite some time. Well done, Flipit!
7 of 11 | Posted by Honey Gangsta | Posted on October 16, 2007 12:17 PM
HOLLA!
Thanks so much for reading this season, you guys. You always make it worth it. "Fat People Are Harder to Kidnap"???? LOLOLLLLLLLL
Oh and if you haven't seen Gypsy, you have to! It's awesome! We had to watch it in gay college and it's a gem.
I am going to pick up Kitchen Nightmares this week until Project Runway starts, so check it out!!
Thanks again and LOVE
8 of 11 | Posted by Anonymous | Posted on October 16, 2007 4:25 PM
woops that was me, obviously. :)
9 of 11 | Posted by Anonymous | Posted on October 16, 2007 4:28 PM
Sweet! Kitchen nightmares! I watched my first episode last night and it had so many "real" people chest puffing in front of the camera I turned to my wrist and looked at my bracelet W.W.F.D and I so I through my beer bottle at the screen and lit up a bowl in protest.
Thanks for making this booring TopChef, hilarious. By far my favorite recapper on this site.
10 of 11 | Posted by mattypopo | Posted on October 18, 2007 10:24 AM
LOVE to the flip it!!! How funny that Howie saved his little soft spot for this last show, aw, maybe I'm not completely romantically damaged!!!! (ahem) Just want to give Joey credit for saying he was saving the other leg for his Howie in a heart tattoo! LOL Joey!!! And after all that bawling, you 2 big tuffies with the soft spots--I brace myself for one smothering 3-some . . . .
Thanks so much, Flip!!!!!! CANNOT WAIT FOR PR!!!!!!!!
HEART!!!!
ps. Howie said "masterbation", tee-hee, and he grabbed his manhood in a display of machismo that I'm sure was the turning point for him and Joey--I'm just saying . . .
11 of 11 | Posted by juddfan | Posted on October 19, 2007 12:07 PM