Hi J-Mo!
Not done reading but I hope that you are all better now. I feel bad now for pissing and moaning about my extra holiday chunk while you were vomiting after your lunch with Flipit.

Maybe you shouldn't eat with him. You don't know where he's been. I hear things. I'll let you know exactly what when I'm finished making it up.

I'm going to email you a picture that combines Palin, bears and barebacking, by the way.

Happy Holidays!

Love and stuff,
Twunty

I'm happy Fat Kid is gone instead of Lil' Volt just based on the fact that at least this season's Top Chef will actually be a good chef. Lil' Volt can easily outcook Fat Kid. The four that are going deserve it.

J-Mo, I know you love Dirty Bear, and I would be very happy if he won, but I'm rooting for Big Volt. I love the quiet ones!

And Gail looked great.

Hi--yes it was late. But I only missed it because you are such a good writer. I was happy for Jen too, but understood if it didn't work out. Lil Volt is somewhat of a s--t, but I think he is a focused and talented chef, unlike Hosea!!!!!!! Dirty Bear is so sweet and Big Volt is mature. Can't wait for the finale!!!!

I am still hoping for a Bitter Jen upset. Probably not going to happen, but I'm still crossing my fingers for her.

I'm glad that this is our final four but I have to say, I am totally hoping that Lil Volt doesn't win because he is a giant asshole (as you so hilariously illustrated in your recap!)

I am so jealous that you got to have lunch with Flipit. How come no one ever comes to Delaware? :(

I need to get out more.

Loved the recap! I'm so glad you're feeling better!

SWAK, PottyMouth

I admit I was wondering what took so long for the recap. J-Mo, I remember you said something about going somewhere. Then you said you were sick and I was like what's going on? Did he lose a foot or something? Then I remember this isn't the movie Saw.

In truth I was behind on my episodes so when Bravo showed all of the them Wednesday I caught up.

I tell you what, I thought I was a half decent cook until I saw this episode. That Bocuse thing is scaaaarrrryyyy. It actually made me shudder so I can only imagine the seizures that embraced the final five. You know know that Bocuse (or whatever it's called) is something transcendent when Daddy Tom said that the platter Dirty Bear served would have him eliminated immediately. I thought it was the best looking thing there so wasn't really surprised that DB won. But still he's got a taste so I hope he really really practices to get a position on the US team. It was obvious he was not at that point yet.

Oh the contrast of the Volts.
Big Volt stepping up to be a professional and a human being explaining the souse vide method to Kevin. And the karma he received when Bitter Jen offered to help him plate and he didn't even have to ask. If he doesn't win this whole thing, he's still a winner to me. He is a class act.

L'il Volt- his insecurities mount and mount. What a sad waste. His nastiness is beginning to overshadow his culinary skills. If he was half as smart as he thinks he is he would be twice as silent -- tell me I'm wrong.

It looks like 80 Hooker did impart some of her Nerves of Steel to Bitter Jen. Come on girl! If you go home go because you gave it your best shot not because you threw it away.

Ooooh the four chefs I picked are the final four! YAY!

One more thing, the asshole superimposed over the mouth was superb but I was not prepared for the sheer brilliance of the subsequent face-to-asshole transformation so, bo-cooze de kah-dooze to youse!! Genius.

Great recap! I nearly ruined my keyboard when I saw what you did to Lil'Volt. Has there ever been a greater douche than him on this show? I'm hard pressed to think of any. Not even Ilan or Craaaaack! were such sour-faced, dickish contestants.

Anyways, great work!

Awwww, no need to apologize, J-Mo! We loooove you!

I really loved your analogy about your relationship with your brother. Awesome stuff. It's amazing the chasms we can bridge just by being decent humans, isn't it? And that's why I love you even though you are a tree-huggin', berkinstock-wearin', patchouli oil-dousin' vegetable oil fueled Subaru drivin' peacenick! LOL. Okay, I don't know about those first four, and in fact I'm betting that they don't go with your drag queen backup dancer getups at ALL! BTW: Can you tell I lived in San Francisco for a looooong time?

Anyway, love you, love your recaps, and so glad that you're feeling better.

BTW: If I were Kevin, I don't think I'd want to win that opportunity to compete in the Bocuse thingy. It sounds like a lot of work with little payoff, and DB needs to make some money for himself and his honey! 30K a year, yikes!

XOXOXO,
Z

Really hilarious recap, as usual, J-Mo and I'm glad you're feeling better. I have to say -- while I agree with you 100% about Lil Volt's personality, I think the 3 butthole pics were too vulgar. I'm no prude and I love nudity, but I really have no desire to look at gaping anuses up close, especially if I'm in public or around someone else.

Maybe in the future you can put a warning at the top of the post if there's going to be nudity for those who want to skip or look when they're home alone? Besides, I think you're too funny to need site gags anyway...

Thanks!

J-Mo keeps out-doing himself in his recaps!

As far as a bigger tool, to whit: Dung 2.0. Nearly blew up the place when he smashed his fist into Meth's lab locker. Keeps grabbing himself in every recap I see. Got into a bitch fight with Fleasa. Made. Butterscotch. Scallops.

I rest my case.

Great recap, J-Mo! We'll forgive you for being late, everyone gets to take a mini-vac, especially if it's to lunch with Flipit. And I'm sure that four days of the shits was *way* more fun than recapping!

I saw "Precious" but totally didn't catch the rainbow-edged poster in the social worker's cubicle. Go Mariah!!

I am way glad that Fat Kid went home. Even though Lil Volt is a complete douche-bag and I hope he goes next, it was great to finally get rid of The Mooch Who Thinks He Can Cook. Back to Mommy and Daddy's with you!!

While I admit that the butthole pics were just a slight bit disturbing, I don't think they were that bad. After all, if you didn't *know* they were assholes, I wonder if people would really have twigged to what they were? And sometimes you just gotta' use sight gags!

Anyway, keep it up!

Lots O' Love

Hilarious recap!! J-Mo, you would totally win a bocuse d' whatever of recaps!

I agree with Viane Slice, if Lil Volt could just keep his mouth shut, he could definitely be someone to root for! He is obviously talented, but he loves himself enough for everyone, therefore we can hate him!!

I'm pulling for a DirtyBear win, but I also wouldn't mind a Big Volt win. He seems to be a great guy AND how much would Lil Volt hate it??? Heehee!!

You had me at WZF. LMAO!
Love the recaps...it's always a bright spot in my day when I see the newest TC recap has been posted.
Thanks for being utterly FABULOUS!
Go DIRTY BEAR!

J-Mo, if there was a Bo-Cooze Duh Whore for recapping, you would be a shoo in. Start to finish, your recaps are hilarious. You don't even need to present them on a mirrored platter....

So glad that Jen got a bit of her groove back! I would love to see her get to the final 3, but have my doubts about her holding up with her nerves. DB is just wonderful, and I know I'm repeating what I've said before, but he (and Jen) only want to do the best work they can. They do not compare themselves to the other chefs or disparage the others - they work to their own personal standards and that is what makes them class acts. I'd love to see DB take the prize.

Lil' Shit? He can leave my screen. Now.

Sorry about your intestinal ickies - were you the only one who got sick? Did Flipit try to poison you? :-) Maybe it was the Diet Pomegranate 7-Up With Natural Anti-Oxidant.... Glad you are feeling better - and glad to have you back!

Viane slice - agree with you on the contrast of the brothers, and you really did sum it up perfectly when you said if he was half as smart, he'd be twice as silent.

I think he's really talented, and I'd even love to try his food.. but his personality absolutely SUCKS. He should put himself on mute and just let his food speak for itself.

J-Mo... another hilarious recap. The happy dance was WAY MORE than warranted.

Hutchlover... Dung 2.0 while a temperamental jerkwad, still never put himself and his food THAT high on a pedestal... at least not to my knowledge. They both are wretched human beings in my opinion.

DB and Jenn are class acts. Her helping Brian out spoke volumes for who she is as a person. If Michael had the extra 30 minutes? He'd sit and watch others suffer... or stare at himself in the mirror and talk about how awesome he is. Can't stand him.

I really believe that Lil Volt's assholishness is more about insecurity than a high opinion of himself. Not that that excuses it, but he is just that lil brother who has been trying to live up to big bro's achievements all of his life. That's probably why he's jumped around from restaurant to restaurant and cuisine to cuisine--if you don't stay long enough, you can't be said to have failed. You just didn't really try.

I did think that Dirty Bear played it safe on this challenge but it was a good strategy. I kind of wish someone who pulled out all the stops (Big Volt) had been able to pull it out and win, though.

Some of the judges were real cuties (Jermajesty, for instance). Who was the blond boy?

I don't think Lil Volt has a prayer of winning, but it would be OK if he did, because he's a good chef. I think it's between Dirty Bear and Big Volt, though.

I have nothing to add here in terms of the show, but I wanted to say thank you for writing this up! Home in bed, sick and pregnant, so it's much appreciated!!!

Awwww, you guys are so sweet, and I'm feeling better all the time!

Twunty... Honey, don't apologize, in fact, piss and moan away! You're covering the Real Housewives of Orange County... I may have a couple of assholes that annoy me on this show, but if I had to do the bitches from the OC then EVERYONE would be on my hate-list! As for Flipit, he's a clean teen, if anything *I'M* the scruffy one between us. OH, and thanks for the bear pic, that was too funny! (Somehow I doubt Palin's ever "gone rogue" in her life!) xoxo :)

zerocool... Hey, you guys can root for anybody you want, please don't feel like you HAVE to like my favorites! I actually like Big Volt more and more. I'm just not going to make a .gif with hearts and flowers dancing around his name, that's all. xoxo :)

reality... Thanks a bunch, that is super-nice of you to say and makes me feel much better, I appreciate it. I'm psyched for the finale, too! xoxo :)

PottyMouth... Thanks for the comment-love, girl! I'd actually be okay with Bitter Jen winning, she's had a hard road (I wonder if she got fired after she finished the show, I can't imagine Eric Ripert is pleased with her performance on TV). And girl, if I ever get to Delaware I will totally get in touch with you so we can have lunch! Also, pester Flipit about organizing a TVGasm convention. We could totally have it at the Holiday Inn or something! xoxo :)

viane slice... Thanks for your patience, I didn't lose a foot, but I think I lost a few pounds of water-weight from dehydration. I was super-excited by that until I drank a glass of water and put it all RIGHT back on. Anyhow, I agree with you wholeheartedly, that Bocuse d'Or competition looks MEAN and CRAZY and I admire anybody who can do it without just blowing cookies everywhere for the four hours that it lasts. Also, I LOVED your "half as smart/twice as silent" observation, that was brill! xoxo :)

Fnord (and Twunty)... Thanks for the compliments on the Incredible Gaping Butthole Face, I'm glad you got some funny-ha-has out of it. I'd have to say the only one from past seasons who even comes CLOSE to the sheer vileness of Li'l Volt would be Lisa Fernandes (a.k.a. Fleasa). At least Li'l Volt has the skillz to back up most of his smack-talking, she was just horrible and looked like she smelled bad and she had a very 80's-Hooker-esque way of lasting really long in the competition because somebody else sucked worse than her every week. HATE. But I love you guys. xoxo :)

zbird... Hey! Those four things described a lesbian! Which I am not! LOL! In all seriousness, I exaggerate about a lot of stuff in my writing for comic effect, but I assure you, every single word I wrote about my brother M-Mo is the honest truth. He really IS an amazing musician who can play the flute, tuba, baritone, trombone (both slide AND valve), piano, bass-guitar, drums and a zillion other percussion instruments. The only thing he really sucks at is dancing (I got that one from the talent-pool, I guess). Also, we look nothing alike (If you google search "West Point Jazz Knights" and then click on the "Command Staff" link in the upper right-hand corner it's pretty easy to find him). You can judge for yourself who got more of the looks from the gene-pool. xoxo :)

IceQueen... Sugarpie, I'm so glad you enjoyed the recap, I appreciate that very much. On the other hand, I'm totally sorry if the anal pics didn't give you a giggle. Truthfully, I didn't even think about whether or not they were safe for work because they were so disembodied, but you're right, I should have warned people (I rarely use anything NSFW in my recaps, it just cuts down on traffic unnecessarily). I will keep it in mind for the future, and thanks for the feedback! xoxo :)

hutchlover... OMG, I totally FORGOT about Dung 2.0's butterscotch scallops! VILE VILE VILE! Also, Marcel is a pretty fucking awful dude as well. Thanks for the kind kudos, you're too sweet! xoxo :)

arizonatom... You're a darling, I'm glad you enjoyed the recap, and you're right, 4 days of poo was a real laff-riot (and no, that's not a picture of MY poor abused anus that I used). Thanks for the love! xoxo :)

brattygrl... Awww, you're so sweet! Honestly, I think Flipit would still kick my ass if we went up against each other in a Bocuse d'Whores-Of-Recapping... but the love-vote means a lot! Also, I didn't even THINK about how pissed Li'l Volt is going to be if he doesn't win! Bwahahahahaha! xoxo :)

mommalingo... Shucks, I'm so happy you liked that "WZF" joke! I hate to admit this, but I re-cycled it from Episode 4. Still, I'm glad that it made for some extra giggles. Yay DirtyBear! xoxo :)

njgasmifan... Such a doll as always, you made my day! I don't think Flipit got sick....er. As for me, I think I picked up something from the road-trip on the way home. I ate at Popeye's in Blythe, which is almost always a mistake, but I needed some dirty rice. I fear they may have used actual dirt in it, though. Thanks for the well-wishes, though! xoxo :)

kara... Thanks sweetie, and yes, I also loved the feel-good vibe of the episode with people helping each other out for a change. It's hard to make fun of, but that's what Li'l Volt is there for. Apparently. xoxo :)

pixielated... Girl, I think you may be right about Li'l Volt's insecurity, and his insane drive to beat his brother. And you're also right, I believe DirtyBear did play it safe in the challenge, but as fans of this show should know by now, well-cooked comfort food will get better scores and higher praise than risky failed food every time. Also, the blond guy I think you're referring to was Timothy Hollingsworth, who was the 2009 U.S. representative at Bocuse d'Or. Just so you guys know, whenever there's a buttload of judges like that, I will always put the rotating .gif of their headshots in the same order that I describe them... that way, if you can pick out the ones that you know, you'll always know who comes next (i.e., this one went Daddy Tom, Scar, Gail, Jerome, Alex, Traci, Daniel "DeeBee" Boulud, Gavin, Timothy and Tom Keller). I hope that helps! xoxo :)

dani2526... Awwww, you're so welcome, and sorry to hear you're stuck being sick AND pregnant! I hope you're due real soon, and that you're not scheduled for more than one kid, K? Huggles! xoxo :)

Thanks so much as always you guys, I live for the commentary, it's like crack to recappers... Flipit feels the same!

love, J-Mo :)

P.S. Ahhhh, juddfan, email me! I tried to get in touch with you while we were in L.A. and everything bounced! We'll hook up next time! :)

Y'know I looked up that Gavin Kindergarten. According to Wiki:

"The U.S. effort also was impeded in the 2007 finals, with the unfortunate experience of the candidate Gavin Kaysen. Upon presenting his second platter, a wheel-shaped ballotine of chicken, with chicken liver, foie gras and Louisiana crayfish, it was discovered that a French dishwasher had unwittingly eaten two of the intended garnishes in the belief the food was rejected. Kaysen finished in fourteenth place."

When French dishwashers can sabotage your million-dollar entry and it somehow reflects poorly on YOU, seems as if the competition is lacking in.. I don't know. Something.. like, basic security? or maybe credibility in fairness to entrants? Maybe it's just me. (Regardless, what a revolting idea for a gold–medal dish. No wonder megafoodies are treated with snorts of derision.)

Also wanted to mention that I saw Scar on, I think it was, Conan. She is preggo and joked about how much she eats on the show. Apparently she is regularly mocked about it. She seemed like a twit in the interview, if I'm being honest.

Can't wait for tonight! Thank you, J-Mo!

I need to put in a word of support for the younger Volt - he is SO talented and so passionate about his food, I somehow am able to forgive his personality lapses (lapses I would find unforgivable in a lesser chef). And, although I've been a Kevin fan since the beginning, I have lately glimpsed his own version of food arrogance - a softer, gentler arrogance since he is blessed with an easy personality, but an arrogance none the less than young Volt's. Bottom line - while they have very different styles/approaches to food, both Volt & Kevin are very, very good at what they do (as are the other 2 finalists) and justified in their self-confidence.

I am just so happy (and relieved!) to have the final four that deserve to be there! It was clear from the start these four were head & shoulders above the rest this season - that they all were able to pull through to the end (even after faltering) further speaks to their talents. I'm happy with any of them winning.

Here is what I want to know. Is if they tailor the challenges based on what the chefs are capable of doing. Because none of the chefs prior to this season could have competed in the Bocuse d'Or. Okay with the except of some of the chefs with Stefan and Howard being really only the ones that come to mind. For me this type of challenge just came out of left field and I was surprised for it to show up on Top Chef. None of the chefs really got any praise for their efforts which shows just how hard the competition must be in real life.

Again- heaps of praise for the recap J-Mo and lots of wishes for getting better soon. There is nothing worse than throwing up for days especially around one of the best eating holidays.

And I have to repeat what others have said before me. The most touching part of the recap was you talking about your brother. How sweet.

reckless_saturn - you bring up a good question, one I would love to know the answer to. You are right, save for a few exceptions, I dont think any of the chefs in any of the seasons were of the caliber to compete in a real Bocuse D'Or.

Altho I did think they received some praise for their efforts... all of the judges seemed impressed and Daddy Tom especially... which I can imagine is a heck of a compliment when Tom Colicchio himself is in awe of your effort. They might not have shown it all, but I too believe they all deserved a LOT of praise.

Yay, you're back! I'm glad you got over the yucks. No fun.

I just love DB. He's so doggone NICE. Winking at Jen when Padma complimented her. Congratulating Eli when he got a win. Nothing snarky about him, ever. Lil Volt, on the other hand? If he was the BEST CHEF IN THE WORLD and I could eat at his restaurant for free I wouldn't go. There's so much acid and vinegar in his personality I'm afraid it would spill over onto me. I would love to get inside his head and hear his thoughts when he sits back and watches this show and see how he comes across. He should be embarrassed and ashamed.

As for YOU - love you tons!

Baffled, I agree! That, or I'd love to be a fly on the wall to watch him! I can only imagine how people associated with him professionally and/or personally thought. Although they all might be weathered to his extreme arrogance by now.

J-mo--sorry so late to the party!!!! As always, love you, and I sent you a response to the one that didn't bounce . . . next time indeed!!!! ; )

Loved the part about your bro--even more different than my family . . . M-mo--still love that!!!

Saw the new epi, so I don't want to comment, but I will say, Big Volt is shaping up to be a much warmer and more normal person--it's sad that Lil can't be a bigger person who can live in a world where we can all be the best at what we do, without feeling the need to top us!!!

Go DB!!!!

hee-I said top us--hee