This week on Top Chef, I'm forced to reconsider all my previous assumptions as Nikki almost wins and Yoda almost goes home. Oy.
Due to popular demand, I hereby dub thee FLEASA
It's morning in the Top Chef house, and Yoda tells us that it's starting to sink in for her that people are actually being eliminated and going home. Thanks for joining us, babe. Antonia, meanwhile, is all piss and vinegar, saying that she's done fucking around and is in this to win it. In direct contrast, Mutton's all positive about his success so far and merely hopes it continues. I just hope I never have to watch his moobs jiggle again.
Time for the Quick Fire. The guest judge is Oprah's personal chef, Art Smith. Glad to see she lets him off his leash once in a while to roam free. He's also the chef and owner of Table 52, and a big fan of healthy and simple dishes. The one thing you learn about working for Oprah is that you don't fuck around with the most influential woman in the world. When she wants to be fed, you feed her no matter how short the timeframe. Accordingly, this week's QF is to make a gourmet meal in only 15 minutes, using 90-second microwaveable rice as a crutch.
Scar yells go, and all hell breaks loose. People are running full speed, shouting "behind", which if you've ever worked in a kitchen or waited tables you know is a necessity to keep yourself from being clubbed in the head as you duck around someone. I once saw someone get hit in the face with a sizzling fajita skillet for failing to shout "behind". I don't know which was worse -- the scar left on that girl's face or the lingering smell of scorched flesh.
OMG is that water?! RUUUUUUN!
Anyway, everyone manages to gather their ingredients without setting Evangelass (my readers are the best!) on fire or at least getting in a quick stab wound. Very disappointing. Dale's making fried rice because he thinks it's a quick, easy Asian dish. But not quite so healthy. Yoda is throwing together a whole slew of ingredients into a seafood pancake, having no idea how the thing is going to turn out. Evangelass is going Greek with stuffed peppers and tomatoes, whereas Antonia is making a rice salad that she swears is better than it sounds. Shouldn't be too difficult.
Richard's freaking out a bit, since his style is more methodical than this challenge allows. It takes time to think up those witty puns, dammit. That doesn't stop him from criticizing the other contestants, of course, as he comments that some people are so focused on the time element that they're failing to do a taste test, which is just flirting with disaster. Not Mutton, though. I'm sure he's already dipped a licked spoon, fork, finger, and other various appendages into his dish. LOL, okay I swear I paused my TiVo to type that, hit play, and then seconds later we see Mutton stick a spoon in his mouth and then right back in the bowl. Too perfect.
Scar calls time, and she and Art begin evaluations with Antonia. Her rice salad actually looks decent, but that may be because I'm eyeing the steak she's serving with it. Mmm, meat. Art says he likes her combination of hot and cold before moving on to Nikki's veggie fried rice. It looks like the same fried rice I pay $6.99 for down the street. Which is some fucking awesome fried rice, but I don't think they're going on Top Chef anytime soon. Art calls is a comfort food, which is so a euphemism for "Make's Oprah's ass fat... next!"
No, really, I've asked her myself. Not gay.
Richard's gone with tuna steak and tomatoes over rice, which Art absolutely adores. Turning to Yoda's seafood pancakes, Art calls them clever, but doesn't really comment on the texture or taste. Don't think that's going to good enough to finally break into the top three, doll. What is probably good enough is Evangelass's stuffed veggies, which Art heavily praises. Fleasa's made a heap of rice and veggies with shrimp, and Art compliments her for being smart enough to use lime as an acid, rather than just over-salting.
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Comments (13)
Although I do have a fondness for Yoda, I actually thought it was fair that Mutton went home; his concept was kind of dumb. No protein? At all? For growing chill'ens? Christ, throw in a few chickpeas at least!
This was probably the touchy-feeliest episode thus far, which kind of made me love everyone a little. (Except for Fleasa/Greasa. And Evangelass.) Who'd have guessed that Antonia is a mom? And that Twitch used to be a pudgers? And that Dale is THAT short?
1 of 13 | Posted by MissKatrina | Posted on May 2, 2008 8:11 AM
Richard kinda creeped me out a little when he stated that he wanted to get home to "make some kids", methinks he protests too much... Pink Crocs?? And I agree with whoever said it last week, that when you have to tell everyone how funny you are, you're not. Doesn't he already have his own resturant?
I don't know who I am routing for yet, most of the girls get on my nerves especially Niki, if I had to hear one more time how her single mother left her alone to cook at 8 years old, I was going to throw a shoe at her!! I do believe that it was Mutton's time to go, he wasn't doing too well on the last couple of challenges. Evanglass is one of my favorites and I guess Dale is okay too.
2 of 13 | Posted by featherhead | Posted on May 2, 2008 10:22 AM
Two comments:
1: Mutton's an idiot. He should have added chickpeas or something like that to the curry. As a vegetarian myself it's a great way to add protein to a dish.
2. I think this is your second reference to Paganism/Wicca in a negative way (making them seem satanic, because people will use them to curse others). You should learn something about them before making stupid comments like that. They are not satanic, hell they don't even believe in satan, and they are nature loving and peaceful.
Ignorance is annoying.
3 of 13 | Posted by pixi-stix | Posted on May 2, 2008 12:14 PM
How is no one mentioning when Twitch said that he had a "culinary boner" at the very very end after the previews??? I guffawed. I love that crazy cat and that fact that he used to have a weight problem just endears me more.
This recap was also LAUGH out loud hilarious. Thanks!
4 of 13 | Posted by pfft | Posted on May 2, 2008 12:22 PM
in addition to Richard wanting to make babies..(it was delivered so unenthusiastically...why bother?), did anyone notice him talking about fashion with his young apprentice? Something about matching colors. Seeing kids at that awkward 10-11 year old phase does not inspire me to procreate. Just sympathy for all the existential angst.
5 of 13 | Posted by dredge | Posted on May 2, 2008 12:27 PM
Art Smith = Rip Taylor
6 of 13 | Posted by dredge | Posted on May 2, 2008 12:34 PM
Pixi-stix:
I'm sorry if I offended you or anyone else by any of the comments or jokes I've made in a recap. I certainly don't believe that Wiccans are Satanic anymore than I believe that Twitch is actually a crackhead or that Ryan's father really sent his daughter to work in a sweatshop. However, I see your point, and hope you accept my apologies.
In contrast, what I actually DO believe is that Fleasa's never seen a bar of soap in her life.
7 of 13 | Posted by LoLo | Posted on May 2, 2008 12:53 PM
Hey all, sooooo . . . coming from Salem, yes, that ironic witch killing town where people weren't witches, but just had moles or lots of property, but wiccan's gather there anyway, I can applaud you pixi in your correctness of the earthloving nature of true wiccans, but seriously, GF! you weren't really offended were ya!? Even I joke about my witchly status and play upon the stereotypes--tho I guess I insinuate that I can read minds . . . perhaps I can, coz I often feel the flames of hell burning me for my awful thoughts, even when I don't type them here. NIce of you to apologize LoLo, and as the wiccans say, (and the reason I'm not really one) Blessed be! It's just as bad as bless you, I'll stick to have a good one . . .
Art Smith is way hotter than Rip Taylor, but I guess I see your point, dredge!
Funny observation about the heart doodle, very cute of her, but honestly, Art's one of my kind, you know gay and all, right!? Should have been Art and Daddy! Bears in love 4eva!
I did enjoy the kids cooking, but I have to say, I think the producers nudged yoda and said "Hey Girl, you're winning too many of these and we don't want a predictable season, so give one up for the gipper, and we promise not to eliminate you." Kinda like Richard and scales gate, no, is it just me, am I going to be singed again!? I know I should believe in the sanctity of reality TV and the honesty of the producers, but HELL NO! It's all corrupt!!! And kuddos to said producers for showing Mutton saying DT doesn't like him, and shipping his ass home anyway--way to play with us, guys and gals to whom we bow to the consideration of at elimination time . . .
8 of 13 | Posted by juddfan | Posted on May 2, 2008 2:45 PM
LoLo: thanks for the apology. It's not so much that I was offended (since I know Wicca/Paganism is not like that) I just hate for people out there to maybe read that and think it's so. They already get enough crap as it is =)
9 of 13 | Posted by pixi-stix | Posted on May 3, 2008 3:32 PM
Lolo, Nikki's dish wasn't actually one pot. Oh, it's actually cooked in one pot... AFTER you've cooked the chicken in another pot/pan first. My friend clued me in when she came over to dinner this week.
Love the new nickname!
10 of 13 | Posted by HereKittyKitty | Posted on May 3, 2008 7:28 PM
If I didn't know better, and I don't, I'd say Yoda was sabotaging herself this week. There's no way she goes from being a top contestant with a seemingly impeccable sense of what looks and tastes extraordinary and also pleases the judges to a confused, disinterested hack with the kitchen sensibilities of a seven year old. I honestly believe the pressure of the show, the back-stabbings, or some other unpleasant happenings caused her to say "fuck it" and try to get herself axed. Too bad her previously strong showing weren't going to allow that to happen and the bumbling, sloppy goofball Aussie got the smackdown for his accumulation of nasty food and nastier unsanitary habits. So Nikki finally did something right... she knows how to cook a chicken in a pot for a family. Maybe that's what she should be home doing then, because she's definitely not capable of cooking for paying customers.
Great recap as usual btw :)
11 of 13 | Posted by vango | Posted on May 5, 2008 8:48 PM
Actually Richard's wife is expecting this spring. I believe she was already pregnant at the time of filming. (Not that I was there..... LOL)
Congrats to whomever named Evangelass & Fleasa!
Honestly, Steph *should've* gone home. If they can let her fly by, why couldn't they have let Tre fly by one week! (STILL upset about that)
12 of 13 | Posted by hutchlover | Posted on May 6, 2008 1:11 PM
Oh, forgot to add....
Making a Roasted Chicken with Potatoes & Veggies does not make one a "Chef". It makes one a "Cook".
At least the others tried to do something different, even if it was as lame as Carrot Soup.
Oh, and did anyone else think Mark's curry dish looked like Stephanie's dish after it had come up again?
13 of 13 | Posted by hutchlover | Posted on May 6, 2008 1:23 PM