About eight years ago, I moved to Long Beach and took a cush job as a pet sitter. I was basically paid to go to people's homes while they were at work and hang out with their pets. Well, if you haven't noticed by now, I'm an extremely lazy person. If I don't have a boss or manager nit picking me every five minutes, I will never ever work. Not working is my favorite hobby. I made fast friends with a fellow employee named Donald, who was even more of a lazy stoner than me. The day Beloved came out, I was first in line to buy tickets (I know, I know, but Oprah had me brainwashed). Only trouble was, I had a doggie gig. If I called in "sick" one more time I was gonna get the boot, so I begged Donald to fill in for me. He did it for a single bud, and I couldn't believe my luck. PS. Beloved sucked ass.
That night I got a call. It was my boss. "Flipit, were you at the Alvarez house today?" Yes! "How long?" All day! I just got home! "Will you please take Mr. Alvarez back his stuff?" Turns out Donald robbed the place blind. I was questioned by the police, fired and completely humiliated. To this day, I blame Oprah and that horrendous movie she made.
This week, Top Design taught us to act nice (even if you aren't), flowers shouldn't have fur, and if you're going to steal credit for something, make sure it doesn't suck first.
Again, we open with Carisa this week. She may have a dorky personality, but she has a personality nonetheless, which puts her way ahead of the other designers in at least one way. She's excited to have made it half way through the competition. She's always surprised when she overcomes the obstacles every single time! It grosses me out and cracks me up how Carisa works the camera like a kid in a classic Ovaltine Commercial. This photo montage was less than 2 seconds in length.
Today's challenge will be to decorate a party Elle Décor Magazine's throwing for Bacardi Limon. Well, at least it isn't for a bunch of stinkin' kids AGAIN. This party is for drunks. Count me in. Hold on. I'm gonna walk to the store for wine and Milky Ways. Dammit it's cold out there. The party will be held on the sprawling plaza of the PDC. The Sock Puppet tells us that this is where Elton John throws his annual Oscar bash, and I wonder how long that takes to clean up. Sorry, but you know that floor's covered in sticky glitter the next morning. What's an Elton John Oscar party without drag queens and glory holes?
Unfortunately for us and the contestants, the Designers will be working in teams of three. Enough of the goddamn team challenges already! When Carisa and the Wiggum kid pull corresponding paint chips I cry foul. Of course they're on the same team! RIGGED! Just as Gay Dad tells us how he's sick of working with a bunch of crazies, we cut to him sandwiched between Carisa and the Wiggum kid. I am tempted to turn off my tv right now to avoid the brain trauma I'll have from hitting myself in the head with a frying pan as these yokels squabble instead of work. I only ask one thing of Ralphie and Carisa. PLEASE make Gay Dad cry. If anyone can do it, you two can. I believe in you!
Andrea, Goil and Erik are the other team, and they're all psyched they don't have to work with Carisa or the Wiggum kid. Their smiles are huge and relieved, but last week's teaser showed Goil crying and yelling at someone saying "From the very beginning I've wanted to work with you the most and it's a MESS!!" so when he tells us that from the very beginning he's wanted to work with Andrea, I cringe and grin like a cat that swallowed a goldfish. Andrea's gonna make Goil cry! I find myself reading too much into every little move they make from now on, waiting for my gift like a little kid sleeping in front of the fireplace on Christmas Eve. Goil looks up to Andrea, seeing her as a better model of him. "If I'm R2-D2, she's R2-D345! She's many, many models ahead of me." Aw. Goil is always acting like the most innocent, humble cutie pie on the planet so I can't wait for him to throw things at Andrea and call her a stupid ho. Please, Lord. I'll go a whole week without saying the f word!
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Comments (12)
Oh man, when Goil sought refuge in Wiggum's bony arms, I immediately thought "screencap!" That's my new wallpaper, so every time I'm feeling fat, I can look at my computer and then puke the calories away. Which, by the way, consists of boonze farm and hot pickles (they come from a liquor store on the corner of my street that sells ninja stars and bongs cuz I'm from the ghetto, holla!)
Hmm, I'm indifferent to Erik getting the boot this week because I didn't like or dislike him. Better him than Wiggum I suppose. Carisa needs a verbal kick in the teeth, though. I don't see how the final product was all her idea. Her donut idea was kind of silly to begin with, but she's a chubby girl, of course she went with it.
I'm kind of surprised we didn't get a Judge Wiggum case this week. I imagine his sentence for Carisa rolling his eyes would have been something along the lines of wearing stretch pants and hearing Gay Dad make jokes about it behind her back.
1 of 12 | Posted by brendahamLincoln
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Posted on March 19, 2007 1:19 PM
can I just be ill here..... I tried ot like the Wiggum kid, but it is beyond me... and now Goil.... how much more pitiful can Goil become.....
Nobody should win this crappy show
2 of 12 | Posted by GIFFORDSAZ
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Posted on March 19, 2007 4:23 PM
yeah there was no judge wiggum kid because he was trying to act all sweet this week and get people on his side, and JUDGE WIGGUM KID NEVER acts sweet. i too, hope for a return to form next week, ralphie!
and yes, goils a little cryie marie, but at least he's good. he is good, right?
3 of 12 | Posted by Flipit
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Posted on March 19, 2007 4:39 PM
FLIPIT, congrats on recapping American Idol! I see you're getting so many posts over there, I thought you'd forget us, the little people, who still watch this Top Design bullshit.... with B-Side gone, you are definitely the best recapper on this site!!!!!
This show sucks beyond words, but Wiggum and Carisa barely continue to make it watchable. When even an annoying feminine homo and his fag hag fail to entertain (on BRAVO, no less), the show definitely is doomed for failure!
4 of 12 | Posted by slutty_whore
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Posted on March 19, 2007 10:00 PM
Flipit -- I am very glad knowing that your dislike of Michael/Wiggum is very comparable to mine. If I were given the option of either having a root canal or sharing a seat on a bus with Wiggum, I would chose the root canal. I think I judged the HIV+ man way too early when he said in episode 1: "my skin is crawling." My skin crawls EVERYTIME Michael is on my screen. Oh how I abhor him. He has only made it this far (Home Sweet Home) because someone has carried his ass in a team challenge or somebody else screwed up (b/c everyone else was better than him ... he is so safe, standard, ho-hum and middle of the road). If I hear, "I disagree ..." one more time ... !
UGH!!!! ARGH!!!! He bothers me THAT much.
I have liked Carissa's designs in the past but she does have an attitude which has made me be quite indifferent towards her; but after this episode I have decided that I LOVE HER simply because she loathes him as much as I do. She HAS to make it further than him. For real -- cabbage?!?
By looking at the pictures of the event, you do see Carissa's ideas throughout: the square doughnuts, the DJ stand etc. Gay Dad was a dick because he wanted the glory after he realized the judges had nothing bad to say about it (and what a kiss-ass he is to Todd). Could you imagine how horrible his daughter is? Kiss ass, kiss ass, kiss ass ... I loved it when Barbie asked the team if they all high-fived afterwards and retard-Wiggum blatantly excluded Carissa from the oh-so-manly handshake. Gay Dad still tried to kiss-ass and say they all worked well together to appease the judges while Wiggum realized he fell into the Barbie doll's trap.
I liked Goil until he ran to Michael for comfort and now I don't care if he gets eliminated. And what was he wearing?
I couldn't stand Erik's fake smile and was glad he got sent home. What an idiot for taking credit for THAT! Is he the one who went shopping for those folding chairs they used? Honestly ... anybody who would pick out those chairs should have been kicked to the curb. Upscale my ass. Just seeing his belt in that picture makes me realize he was the one to pick out those chairs.
Andrea proved to be an uber-bitch this episode. Let me correct that: she proved to be a BALDING uber-bitch this episode. What a whore, seriously. She should be sent home, too, for saying she'd NEVER design something like the other team did. Send her home as well. Her flowers were unpleasant and all of her explanations were ridiculous -- proof that she is an idiot. I would have liked to see her and Erik squabble over who's overall design that disaster was ... although she is too much of a balding coward to have argued with him.
The only decent thing at their party (besides Barbie's dress!?!) were the dangling lemons. The chandeliers were a good idea -- they just wouldn't work in a tent.
I would have been upset, though, had they sent Goil home in this episode for not "getting his voice heard." These judges need to try to work with some of these freaks ... Goil didn't stand a chance against those two bastards. The team challenges need to stop. They are both so proud of themselves and they took his ideas and then made them their own. They both knew he was the strongest designer and so tried to work against him. The assholes. EVERYONE (contestants, judges, "LA socialites") are unbelievable.
I don't think there has been a group of such detestable people being judged in a single room since the Nuremberg trials.
GIFFORDSAZ, you are right, nobody should win.
5 of 12 | Posted by TWilliams
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Posted on March 20, 2007 9:21 AM
"Flowers shouldn't be furry!" I'm sensing someone goes Brazilian!
Well done! That line alone makes this the best recap in weeks.
I want them to bring Gordon Ramsey in to just set fire to all the contestants, and screech at them that they're not even burning right. Can the judges vote for None of the Above?
6 of 12 | Posted by Maynerd
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Posted on March 20, 2007 9:30 AM
How pathetic were all of those party guests?
7 of 12 | Posted by TWilliams
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Posted on March 20, 2007 9:31 AM
"I don't think there has been a group of such detestable people being judged in a single room since the Nuremberg trials."
"bring Gordon Ramsey in to just set fire to all the contestants, and screech at them that they're not even burning right."
LOL that shit killed me. i just choked on my starbux
8 of 12 | Posted by Flipit
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Posted on March 20, 2007 11:30 AM
Brendahan Lincoln, it truly saddens me that you and I do not have a relationship outside of commenting on tvgasm...
Great recap, flipit! Seriously, why does this show suck so much? Project Runway is awesome, Top Chef was extremely successful....I'm more interested in Interior Design than I am in cooking, so what the hell is the problem with this show? I can't even watch it...but I'll keep reading the recaps!
9 of 12 | Posted by Rock Star
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Posted on March 20, 2007 3:14 PM
Does it have to rhyme? The parting phrase doesn't rhyme on PR.
10 of 12 | Posted by Rock Star
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Posted on March 21, 2007 7:41 PM
"get out of my sight, you no talent hack" has a nice ring.
11 of 12 | Posted by Flipit
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Posted on March 23, 2007 1:03 PM
I love "See you later, decorator!" It's ridiculous. I can't wait until Jonathan says it to Andrea, or as Mr. Petersen and I call her, "Double Ponytail."
12 of 12 | Posted by MrsPetersen
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Posted on March 24, 2007 5:38 PM