Actually I quite like what she did here, it looks like something you could actually spend some time in and not feel like you were stuck in an optical illusion, a smoker's lung, or a large intestine. Kelly says she really likes the "whole trellage story" (pronounced "tray-LAHZSHH"... which is a fifty-cent word for "trellis") and they also love her pots, too! Yay for pots'n'trellage!
Put your sunglasses (or your virtual reality goggles) on, because we're about to visit SexOndineCity's place...
..."It's Not Easy Being Greenscreen"...
With a weird grin, Ondine says "Welcome to my 1960's pop hangout room!" Hope she provides the LSD. It's a good thing she wore some other primary colors to offset herself from the unrelenting kellyness of the green...
...she looks like it's all giving her a really bad case of cramps...
Nobody mentions liking her trellage story.
Time to check out Silver Spoon Andrea's garden of veggies'n'fruits...
..."Low Down Dirty Shame"...
Seriously, there's dirt everywhere in the space! Kelly takes first blood as she points out the trees in the far back were pretty much just removed from their pots with the dirt still clumped to the root systems. Jonathan twists the rapier as he says he wishes there had been "a creative use of some of the materials"... Andrea looks like someone just tweaked both her nipples really hard... and with that they move on...
...to Eddie BaueRoss and the butt-sucking shit-eating grin he adopts whenever in the presence of Design Superiors™...
..."I Am A Giant Green Asshole"...
Eddie says his inspiration was all the massive amounts of time he spends up on the Hudson River near all the "beautiful mansions" and what a "glam factor" it all is. Jonathan says he loves the big round green grass thingy, and says it looks really polished... and then Kelly Worstler becomes my hero as she says "But there's still a little something.... granny in there!"...
...wellnow, that sure wiped that annoying ass-kissing grin off his face... way to go, Kellster!...
This comment has mightily pissed off our Eddie... "What the hell's that mean?!?...like, it's not 'granny'... I'm like, the furthest thing away from 'granny'!" Contradict yourself much? Didn't he just get done saying a half hour ago how his grandmother was his biggest design influence? Well, I guess she's not now. Sorry Granny Ross, you've just been "thrown under the bus"...
The judges gather in the Red Room for some moments of private reflection and conversation before bringing in the contestants...
..."Girl, can you believe Kelly's hair?"...
Here's how their critique broke down:
Nasal Natalie: Nailed it. Polished and finished. Thoughtful and mindful. Would make a great picture in Elle Decor.
Dickface Eddie BaueRoss: It did not have a "glam factor". Eddie is a young guy, but has a slightly "granny dusty sensibility". Margaret's exact words are "That. Does not belong. In my magazine." ((**Samara and J-Mo do the happy dance**))
Prettyboy Preston: The jasmine vine climbing the wrought iron chair was beautiful, but the room itself felt "complacent". I would have added "nausea-inducing" as well, but I wasn't there.
Whatisit: Everyone loved it, especially the element of "fantasy" he added to the room. It had more ideas than anybody else's. He also had more spilled paint.
Black Eye Nathan: Busted for just throwing a bunch of stuff into his vignette because he knew he had immunity. Also, it was boring. I think it probably smelled bad, too.
SexOndineCity: Creative but "disheveled" and the rest of her work in the chair and table legs was not impressive. Might I add "eye-searing" to the list?
Silver Spoon Andrea: The fountain was great, but the rest was so boring. Kelly's exact words are "It was an absolute mess." Maybe you won't be missing your kids that much longer, Andrea...
Twiggy Teresa: Nice choice of plants, but the floor was empty and there were plastic pots everywhere. Not cohesive. No excitement. "Looks like where you wait for valet parking!" says Margaret. Tsssss! Your tobacco-room has just been burnt, Teresa!
Time to bring the designers back in for the results...
...ahhh, the exhausted triathletes...
And the winner of leg three of the First Annual Top Design Triathlon is... Nasal Natalie! Yay for Natty-girl! She's so excited she drops an awkward curtsey...
...Milady...
I was a little afraid that her downward momentum might take the strapless dress the rest of the way, but luckily her boobs held it fast. Her room is going to be featured in the pages of Elle Decor, and fourteen eyes are burning holes in the back of her head because of it.
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Comments (11)
Great recap J-mo!!!! ((**Samara and J-Mo do the happy dance**)) Good to know Samara can dance and not just creep on Twiggy!
Funny how the colors look so different on the caps then they do on my TV, but of course I'm a lazy ass and haven't upgraded my TV in like centuries!!! Nasal's room looked better here, it looked green on my TV--do do do do . . .
My coworker busted a nut on your Kelly formula!!!!
Well, last week I was wondering what Twiggy had up her sleeve, guess we know now, zzzzzen!
So, is it me, even her goodbye sounded like, thanks to the producers who thought I could add something to the show (despite the fact that I've never designed a thing before) shrug-shrug!
I smell foul forces at work, but it was kind of great to see Beige Spoons in the bottom . . .
1 of 11 | Posted by juddfan | Posted on October 6, 2008 1:46 PM
Darling J-Mo,
Is there something wrong with me? I totally want to adopt Whatisit as another lap dog. You know take him for walks, send him to the groomer and keep him around to amuse me. But that nasty tendency to break out into opera would have to go.
Have I mentioned that you are so my hero for turning out awesome funny recaps for two different shows a week.
Lerv,
Yenta
2 of 11 | Posted by yentapatrol | Posted on October 7, 2008 3:39 AM
I still can't believe I'm watching this horribly bad show. It's all your fault, J-mo, you and your excellent recaps.
Interesting that the show has a pretty big budget, compared to Project Runway -- imagine giving Pleatha or Blayne ten grand to spend on one of their 'designs'...
3 of 11 | Posted by itchy | Posted on October 7, 2008 8:50 AM
I loved all of your fancy photoshop work. Great recap!
4 of 11 | Posted by tvkitty | Posted on October 7, 2008 10:35 AM
J-Mo, you really can't help yourself with the Eddie flesh, can you? Oh dear, Preston is so much prettier, and so much more determined to play nice.
How can any of the other designers not have caught on to the identity of Andrea's husband yet? I mean, Ondine recognized the back of Ricky's head right off the bat and Andrea's company's name is Schroder Development, right? And she uses Schroder as her last name, right? Or do you think she's taken this whole incognito stuff as far as to adopt a different last name with the other designers/judges? Is that even possible to keep her married identity from the judges since the producers CLEARLY know about Ricky (at least if they've watched any footage at all of the show)? People, I need answers!
5 of 11 | Posted by tvismyfriend | Posted on October 7, 2008 7:15 PM
I think they're like me, that is, "Ricky who?"
I mean, I seem to recall vaguely that he did something way back when, he was in my sister's Tiger Beat mags, I'm pretty sure.
Anyway, I think Andrea scooted out of the room because she knew Eddie and Blackeye were about to get...um...busy.
6 of 11 | Posted by itchy | Posted on October 8, 2008 12:52 AM
Ha, itchy! I guess my age is showing. I spent many a pre-teen evening watching Silver Spoons (of course I'm always partial to the sidekicks rather than the main characters, so it was Jason Bateman, not Ricky, that did it for me).
And Nathan's really getting around, huh?
7 of 11 | Posted by tvismyfriend | Posted on October 8, 2008 6:41 AM
Great recap, J-Mo! I just started watching this show and I love your snarkiness.
I dont know about anyone else, but the first thing I thought about when I saw Eddie BaueRoss's design was, "Is that his granny's funeral?"
8 of 11 | Posted by lexxi1129 | Posted on October 8, 2008 8:57 AM
I have to admit that I love Wizzit. I want to sit next to him and pet his hair every time I see him on the screen! To quote Jon-Jon... he is j'adorable!
9 of 11 | Posted by Snootchy Bootches | Posted on October 9, 2008 4:04 AM
J-Mo;
Terrific recap! I always catch so much more by reading your take on it than I see while watching the show "live".
Of friggin' course everything Eddie BewbRoss does is "granny", he works for the Head Granny herself. After 5 days with that broad any designer would think that "granny" is chic!
Keep up the good work, and here's hoping for more pictures of PrettyBoy Preston without his shirt.
Yum-Oh!!
Lots O' Love
10 of 11 | Posted by arizonatom | Posted on October 10, 2008 7:09 PM
juddfan... you know my process for getting screenshots is REALLY convoluted. I do not have a DVR (*gasp*) so I record the show onto DVD, then watch it on the computer on PowerDVD shrunk down as far as it will go, then take a printscreen and paste it into Paint, then I have to shrink it down even further with some other MicroSoft PictureViewer program and then I can upload it. SO, it is quite possible that the coloring could see some adjustments that may not meet your TV's reality during that process. Also, I agree with you, Teresa's farewell sounded suspiciously like a "Thank you producers for picking me" kind of thing. Very strange. Love to you! Me and Samara are learning a hip-hop routine right now... watch for video later!
yentapatrol... honey you are so normal for wanting a Whatisit of your own, I think they're going to be this year's Furby... you pet him and he will giggle and sing weird opera... I appreciate the love, but I am glad one of my shows is ending, two per week is killing me... love to you!
itchy... you are so sweet to me, I am very appreciative... and as far as the budget on this show goes, I agree with you... BUT, I also wonder if they keep all the receipts and when the challenge is over they wind up taking back a lot of that merch to the various stores where they got it from and get money back... plus I bet they've got a deal worked out for the advertising of these various stores (like Cost Plus and Pier One, etc.)... love to you...
tvkitty... honey, you are too kind... I only WISH I actually HAD Photoshop on this computer, I am actually pretty good at using it to make realistic compositions... I have actually been using the bare-bones "Paint" program to do cutting and pasting and inserting text and all that stuff, and it's kind of like trying to paint the Mona Lisa using a box of 8 crayons... but your compliments are like refreshing water to my parched soul, LOL... love to you...
tvismyfriend... ok, you busted me. There is something about Eddie that makes me want to break into his house some night and throw an angry fuck into him at 3am... maybe because he's such a little bitch, but I think he's probably a freak in bed. As far as Miss Schroder goes, I am not clear about whether or not the others know about her star-talent hubby... you'd think she'd be mobbed from morning till night with people asking what it's like to be married to a former child star... love to you!...
itchy... that's a vile image (i.e. Eddie and Nathan)... I love you for it!...
lexxi1129... thank you sweetie! I love your commentiness!
Snootchy Bootches... love your screenname... welcome to the circle of Whatisit lovin'... love to you, too!
arizonatom... the only reason I pick up on the minutiae of this show is because I not only watch it in real-time, but I also go back and watch segments over and over to get dialogue and expressions... I'm so glad you're loving the extra info, I try to go that extra mile. And I agree, Eddie is retirement-home ready at age 30 (or however old he is). I will try to comply with more Preston pics (provided he's caught with his shirt off again). Love to you!
As always, thank you guys for your kind comments! They make my damn day!
love, J-Mo :)
11 of 11 | Posted by J-Mo | Posted on October 12, 2008 2:14 AM