When I was a wee lad just 15 years old, I told my mother that I wanted to "redecorate" my half of the horrible basement room I shared with my older brother. The people who had lived in our house before us had been extremely patriotic and had wallpapered the room in an eye-searingly hideous stars'n'bars pattern. The carpeting was blue-green shag. It was lit by giant 8-foot fluorescent bars. I'm sure my request sent my mother running for the liquor cabinet (where she would find a bunch of watered-down alcohol, because I sometimes ran there, too, and I didn't want her to know about it) but she did allow me the freedom to change what I wanted. So I tore down the ugly wallpaper and painted the walls a deep eggplant purple. I also bought paper-lanterns from Pier-1 Imports and hung colored bulbs inside of them, while also fashioning my own Oriental linen scrolls by copying characters from a Chinese take-out menu (my bedroom wall said "Shrimp With Lobster Sauce" and "Five-Taste Vegetarian Delight" and "Visa/Mastercard Accepted"). The room became so much... uglier than when I first started fucking with it, but lucky for me we moved within a year and my fledgling design attempt became somebody else's problem.
...a fresh set of Designing Women with big dreams (and lotsa issues)...
So, while I can appreciate interior design, I am by no means an expert in it, so anything you might see me write about Season 2 of Bravo's reality-show competition Top Design is coming completely at the whim of my individual brain cells, who often work together to trip the rest of me up by saying really stupid things. I try to keep them quiet with alcohol. This might account for my taste, which tends to run straight past "good", springboard off of "questionable" and dive right on into "tacky". I never met a lava lamp that I didn't absolutely love, and that's really all you need to know, isn't it? Good thing there are just scads of other hapless people out there with tacky taste who fancy themselves designers that I can sit back at my computer and make fun of! Are you ready to go visit Todd Oldham's wet dreams? Ugh, me either, let's watch this TV show instead...
This season, Todd Oldham gets to play the Tim Gunn / Tom Colicchio / René Fris "mentoring" role while continuing to channel a sicklier version of Howdy Doody...
..."Do these SansaBelts make me look fat?"...
...and the season is actually hosted by India Hicks, whom I had never heard of before, but gosh she sure has a hoity-toity accent! However, once I found out that she is the daughter of famed British designer David Hicks and The Lady Pamela Carmen Louise Mountbatten Hicks (great-great-great-grandchild of Queen Victoria and in the line of succession to the British Throne) it makes a lot more sense that India should sound like a walking elocution lesson...
..."Oi! 'Ere now, you mangy lot! Oi've 'ad it upta me tits wif you bloggas, ay? Roight buncha blaydin' poof-babble, innit?"...
India (and her velvety dulcet tones) inform us that over the next several weeks, 13 of America's most talented designers (who apparently have no real day jobs or they wouldn't have time to do a damned reality show) will face off in 10 challenges that will "test them to their limits". I assume this means "carry some heavy shit around"... cuz you know us homosexuals just loooove to move heavy things (honey, we can lift weights till the veins pop out of our skin, but ask us to move a couch and you will receive a hair-toss and a disgusted look in return).
Helping India to judge is returning Prissy Queen, Jonathan Adler, whose devotion to 70's ties and v-neck sweaters defies all logic and reason...
...Jon-Jon's design company motto is: "If your heirs won't fight over it, we won't make it!"... and no, I'm not kidding...
Also returning is the Ever-Uptight Margaret Russell, Editor-In-Chief of Elle Decor Magazine...
...It's too bad Margaret couldn't take a stroll over to the Shear Genius Nexxus Salon and get a new hairstyle...
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Comments (16)
Oh, shoot... I missed it. I wonder if Bravo will show any reruns? (*sarcasm*)
I think I hate Mrs Schroeder already, even though I havent seen the show yet. :) thx, J-Mo!!
1 of 16 | Posted by here4beer | Posted on September 7, 2008 10:24 AM
I think they should get rid of everyone(except Big Daddy) and start over again.
Geesh, what a bunch losers and my ears are still bleeding from the opera singing.
Great recap as usual.
2 of 16 | Posted by skies | Posted on September 7, 2008 12:04 PM
J-Mo, I'm still only on the first page, but I had to post to tell you that you almost got my computer monitor covered in Costco triple-berry cheesecake, from the mouthful that I very unwisely was chewing on as I scrolled down from The Lady Pamela Carmen Louise Myfartsdontstink Hicks to the caption under her daughter's photo. I should have known a big snorting laugh was coming sooner rather than later. Foolish me.
I'm so glad you're recapping this show! I am already feeling it so much more than Shear Genius (although I so miss seeing beautiful Wené).
By the way, I'd say that between your first-grade-photo bangs and your room decoration, your mom and you are even, right?
3 of 16 | Posted by sayhuh | Posted on September 7, 2008 2:50 PM
So when I was about 19 I waited on Mr. Schroeder and the Missus. There are two things I really remembered...
1.He has perhaps the hugest head that I have ever seen on a human man. ever.
2.She was a nightmare woman who yelled at him in public like she was his mom and sent back her bagel..yes BAGEL..because the tomato's on each half were two different sizes.
I always wondered why he was with her..must be a P.O.W situation..
also YAY Big Daddy..
4 of 16 | Posted by balancingfoxes | Posted on September 7, 2008 3:29 PM
J-Mo;
I think the Throw-Dem-Under-Da-Bus-Cards is a great idea! If Top Chef had them we wouldn't have had to put up with Fleasa for so long.
Also just LOVED "Ugh, she is being such a tampon (i.e. she sucks up everything... attention, energy, blood)" - my Diet Dr. Pepper sprayed everywhere on that one.
Hopefully Prettyboy Preston will stick around a while and show up shirtless in EVERY episode. Loves it!
Until next week ...
Lots O' Love
5 of 16 | Posted by arizonatom | Posted on September 7, 2008 6:57 PM
J-Mo,
C'mon, honey! Next thing will gonna say is that you didn't miss the "See ya later decorator"!
Thanks for the good laughs,
Much love (lol)
6 of 16 | Posted by detinha | Posted on September 8, 2008 6:09 AM
"the bedroom looks like you could flop right down and take a nap while farting between the sheets."
Love it!
And seriously, both of those couches looked like crap. They couldn't be bothered to like, push the cushions all the way in? Or make sure that the pillows didn't look all smushed? Come on, guys!
7 of 16 | Posted by rubinia | Posted on September 8, 2008 11:45 AM
Great recap, J-mo.
I'm so glad that Kerry is everyone's favorite so far. As it happens, he is a neighbor of mine and a really super sweet guy.
I wanted to check out the recaps before mentioning this site to him, for fear that he might not have come off favorably, but I'm glad to have had that particular fear proven wrong.
P.S.
I'm sure he's just gonna LOVE that "headlights" screenshot.
8 of 16 | Posted by Carawatches2muchTV | Posted on September 8, 2008 12:31 PM
OMG Cara, seriously, if Kerry checks out the 'Gasm, please tell him that:
a) I'm sorry I said he was lying when he talked about being asked to remodel his parents' entire house, it stemmed from jealousy on my part because my mom and dad would only let me "redecorate" our house in the sense of "free slave labor for repainting" and it still makes me a tad bitter.
b) I'm not making FUN of his accent, it's actually a huh-YOOGE turn-on for me.
c) Likewise with the, um, screen-shot of his chest. Turn-on. Huge.
d) I think I fell in love with him after one episode, so tell him that me and I'm sure juddfan are hoping to see more of him in the coming weeks, and I hope that doesn't creep him out.
e) Thanks for commenting, you're sweet!
love, J-Mo :)
9 of 16 | Posted by J-Mo | Posted on September 8, 2008 1:42 PM
Hey J-mo, Yay, new show to rip to shreds!!!
Cara, seems Kerry will like it here, as J-mo has outed me . . . teehee . . . He really is one of the sweeter contestants who I will be rooting for!!!
As for Mrs. S--well, I wasn't hating as much as you all, but having once been a waiter, it's amazing how quickly and solidly one can form an opinion on such occasions, (for me, Andy Garcia was a total DICK!!!! Melanie Griffith and Beverly DeAngelo were sweethearts!!!!)
ahem, back to Mrs. S, yeah, well, bitch or not, those two on her team were Loosah's, big time. I'm afraid Miss Sink overflow and Unstuffer has to go!!!! She didn't do one thing right the whole show, correct me if I'm wrong, but couch wrong, wallpaper wrong, apples and cup WRONG, NOT DONE, and IMHO LAME!!!! Call me crazy, you'd think I hate her, but really, I've not seen such incompetence in a while . . . can't believe she made it through, but I guess, week 1, there's some room for cutting.
Mr. Anal is so hot for Painter boy he can't contain himself, that's why he's spewing the hatred, you know, reverse psychology, right!? Just wait, when you least expect it, bromance fer sure!!!!
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!
10 of 16 | Posted by juddfan | Posted on September 8, 2008 5:18 PM
J-Mo/Juddfan,
I will be sure to convey said caveats (or better yet, just tell Kerry to be sure to read all the comments himself)
To be honest, we have only met a few times so far (my husband & I are still fairly new to the area), but he (& his)are really good friends with my next door neighbors (whom they live directly behind: Backyard Neighbors, so to speak...it's an "alley system".)
So anyway, I'm sure I will see him again fairly soon as our driveways/garages are actually mere feet away from each other.
They had a really cute "red carpet" premier party, BTW. Alas, we do not yet know them well enough to have been invited, so I can't/won't claim to be all that much of an "insider".
11 of 16 | Posted by Carawatches2muchTV | Posted on September 8, 2008 6:33 PM
OMG, I love your recaps! I shouldn't read these at work because I have to clamp my hands over my mouth so my co-workers don't hear me laughing. Lurved your comments about your bedroom walls reading like a Chinese menu! HAHA!
I totally agree about Mrs. S. There was no reason she needed to mention Ricky and that he was a child star in her introduction. Especially if she turns around later and says she wants to make her own name!
Way to be a name dropper Girl!
I'm all for keeping eye candy Preston around - grrrrr! I liked Shaz, but she really should have been the one to go home.
I couldn't stand Kelly last year, but I'm just loving her quirkiness this time around. I wish I had the figure and balls to dress like she does ;-)
Keep up the good work.
12 of 16 | Posted by 2muchBravo | Posted on September 10, 2008 11:44 PM
here4beer... you're welcome, and Ms. Schroder is gonna get even worse before she's done...
skies... I totally agree, if I had been hung over when Whatisit had started in with that infernal yowling I would have put a brick through my TV...
Señorita Sayhuh... I never thought of it that way, but I guess you're right, that was a pretty good way to get back at my mom! Sorry for your cheesecake loss...
balancingfoxes... OMG, thank you for the juicy tidbit about Los Schroderos, although it comes as almost no surprise that the Miz is a giant beyotch, I'm guessing every dime Ricky's ever made is in her clutches and you know for Mormons D-I-V-O-R-C-E is not supposed to be an option, so that may be why he stays...
arizonatom... So glad you liked my T.D.U.D.B.C. idea, and the tampon analogy. I'm glad you're enjoying Preston, there's something for everyone this season!...
detinha... much love back (and yeah, actually, I hated that "Seeya later, decorater!" line, I really AM glad it's been axed this season)...
rubinia... I know! How can you miss when a couch looks fucked up?
Carawatches2muchTV... it's cool, I'm glad at least Big Daddy seems like a nice person, and if he checks out the 'Gasm he's going to find a lot of love for him here... but thank YOU for being so kind as to comment, and for spreading the word, we lurve that here!...
juddfan... honey, I did that nipple screen cap JUST for you (LOL)... I'm KIDDING, I did it for me... also, you don't have to share the hatred of the vile Mrs. S... she undoubtedly will convert you over to that before this season is over with, though... just like we know whose handsome face and sweat-stippled nude muscular body is cavorting through the masturbatory fantasies of Rabid Robert!...
2muchBravo... I think Kelly must have found a man (or one of those Rabbit-thingies) since last season, cuz she is soooo much more laid back this time around, and I'm glad to know there's more than just me wishing I could be her for Halloween...
Thanks to all you guys, you make my heart go boom-boom-boom...
love, J-Mo :)
13 of 16 | Posted by J-Mo | Posted on September 11, 2008 11:13 AM
Hello Everyone, its Big Daddy. I wanted to thank everyone for there wonderful comments. This is a wonderful time in my life, and I hope you all continue to enjoy Top Design.
Many Hugs!!!
14 of 16 | Posted by Anonymous | Posted on September 11, 2008 8:08 PM
Hello Everyone, its Big Daddy. I wanted to thank everyone for there wonderful comments. This is a wonderful time in my life, and I hope you all continue to enjoy Top Design.
Many Hugs!!!
15 of 16 | Posted by Big Daddy | Posted on September 11, 2008 8:10 PM
Here I am waiting for my next TD snark fix, but I did finish this recap, and it was just great. I also felt that, lest I sound like a weirdly obsessed stalker, J-Mo, I had to explain that I am weirdly fixated with your haircut photo (you were so cute!) because I perpetrated that same kind of assault on my daughter's bangs when she was two. Oh the horror. And now I'll spend the next thirty years wondering if the photos and the proof of my crime will show up in her blog when she wants to illustrate a point about bad hair days!
Oh, and if that's really you, Big Daddy, yay, I hope that you won the whole thing ...and that you didn't get stuck with Shazia again in the show. Oy.
16 of 16 | Posted by sayhuh | Posted on September 14, 2008 5:51 PM