In my tremendously exciting and stimulating day job as a Medicare D Claims Analyst / Adjuster (*snort*.. my job title has the word "anal" in it...) I am often forced to tackle projects with a "teammate" or "partner". Sometimes this pairing is super-simpatico and the two of us spend our planning sessions eating Chex Mix and giggling about the stupid girl who accidentally emailed a super-religious Senior Vice-President a traffic-speed-cam picture of a guy getting a handjob at 85mph from his girlfriend. We have such a good time that we completely ignore the boring-ass project at hand and end up giving a presentation made entirely out of shadow-puppets. Other times I get paired with someone hideous...
...assholes & trannies are not so "matchy-matchy"...
...and I spend our planning sessions silently envisioning something large and heavy and medieval falling repeatedly upon their head while waiting for a chance to insert the traffic-cam-jackoff picture into their segment of the PowerPoint presentation. Either way I always try to have a good time. On tonight's episode of Top Design, we are treated to the full range of positive and negative interpersonal dynamics, and find out sometimes it would be better to die slowly of radiation poisoning than have to work with some people. Let's dive into a bubbling pot filled with cream-of-haterade-soup after the jump!
Oh boy-toy-joy, they're flashing back to Whatisit and his "Fifth Element" Diva-Dance impression, Downtown Shazia Brown's testing of textile-and-wallpaper absorbency, and Prettyboy Preston and Rabid Robert's bitchy sexual-tensions before Silver Spoon Andrea assfucked DeSergent right out of the competition!
...shout-out to Big Daddy Kerry...we heart you!...
Starting the day off in the Union Lofts, our Big Boy says he was disheartened that his Bickering Queen Team™ wound up as bottoms in the first challenge and he really wants to impress the judges with his design skillz... well somebody oughtta start with remodelling their lofts, because they have a giant zebra-skin rug in their living room... Tack-O-Rama!
Eddie BaueRoss compares their situation to being in "Decorating Boot Camp" (welllll, with this group I think "Decorating Pump Camp" is far more apropos) and that you have to just get it done "no ifs, ands or butts!" Eddie continues to emphatically wag his head back and forth like an inflatable punching bag as he imparts the severely grave circumstance they are in. I think I'd like to punch him, anyhow.
They are greeted in the Top Design studio by Miz India who reminds them (in case they forgot already) that their last challenge was designing for an entire loft... and that this next challenge will test their abilities in a "moch, moch smollah spaice!" Hmmm, they have to redesign an office cubicle? A wastebasket? A bread box? Actually it's a tad bigger than that, they'll be working on a room that's just 12 by 14 feet...
...obviously, today's Dexedrine dose has not yet kicked in...
...and as if that wasn't bad enough, they're going to be forced to share their space with another designer! Yup, it's another dreaded team challenge! This news is greeted by dead silence from the designers. I think they're all still licking their wounds from last week's forced co-operation (except for Black-Eye Nathan, who offered to lick Prettyboy Preston's wounds and was probably rebuffed at lightning speed).
Rabid Robert surprisingly is already complaining as he bitches, "Personally I've never been limited to such a small space that I've had to share with somebody... 140 square feet... it's not a very big floor space to work in." True. Except it's actually 168 square feet, mathlete!
..."Let's see... nine times eleventy-seventeen is...twelfdy-third?"...
India goes amongst the designers and has them pick a color-scheme card from her hands to determine the teams. This process is super-uncomfortable for Silver Spoon Andrea, who says "My heart was ABsolutely pounding... who you pick for a partner in these challenges... that is really the challenge, is the partner!"...
...right back atcha, babe...
I'm sure more than one of them feels the same way about you Miss A-List! She continues snottily, "After my last challenge, which was a bit of a disaster (sarcastic snort) I was like, crossing my fingers for a couple different people, and, I totally lucked out with Eddie... he's the chief of Martha Stewart magazine, so I could learn from someone like him!" Yes, it's a good thing she's been paired with someone who is closer to her upper-level status as a genuine celebrity, and with the two biggest and brightest stars now in the same constellation, there's no limit to how big their egos can get!...
...BFFs and Supah-stahs!...
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Comments (18)
Yes, Natalie, I'm sure the Chinese are still pissed off over our bombing of JAPAN. Where do they find these idiots?
1 of 18 | Posted by Pegster | Posted on September 14, 2008 7:46 PM
J-Mo;
Great screen cap with Big Daddy checking out Pretty Boy Preston - that's exactly what I would have done! Well ... maybe more, but I sure would have ogled him a time or twelve.
A wonderful job, as usual. I just love your humor and find myself giggling al the time. Keep it up!
Lots O' Love!
2 of 18 | Posted by arizonatom | Posted on September 14, 2008 8:37 PM
Really great recap this week. Sometimes when I look at the three woman on the panel (India, Margaret and 50's cigarette girl) I find myself thinking of the film "Death Becomes Her" with Goldie Hawn and Meryl Streep. I have no idea what is holding those women together but it seems to be slowly coming apart. "Where did you park the car?!!"
I can't believe Andrea said- again- that she was Silver Spoons' wife. Let's have a drinking game in which each time she says the name "Rick Schroeder" or they show the photo of them kanoodling, we drink a shot of tequila. Make it much less painful to watch her each week, yes?
3 of 18 | Posted by bingo blog boy | Posted on September 15, 2008 7:12 AM
What, no comment on Eddie's plumber's crack?? Although, thank you for not doing a screen shot--I don't think I could have survived a second sighting of his squeezed-together little butt cheeks.
4 of 18 | Posted by tvismyfriend | Posted on September 15, 2008 9:18 AM
You're lucky. I almost did, but I was so pissed off at him for being such a bitchybitch that I didn't want to highlight his actual ass...
...plus it disturbed me because I found it strangely fuckable-looking, which is really weird because he's totally not my type.
I think this show is twisting me further than I already was before I started...
love, J-Mo :)
5 of 18 | Posted by J-Mo | Posted on September 15, 2008 9:24 AM
J-Mo, thanks for making me laugh in this dreadful Monday! :)
My two cents:
-Nat is from Georgia, right? Just checking...The redneck stereotype lives on, y‘all! (before stones start flying, let me say I live in GA, and even I know that Hiroshima is in one of those Koreas!)lol
-Why the collar up, Big Daddy? Why?
-Does Todd have a stylist? My God, the guy dresses horribly! In that note (and taking a hint from the Altoid cap), how can one tell a co-worker that he has bad breath? Serious question , guys! There’s a guy in my office who could/should use some altoids!
-I wonder if they make nipple shields for men...
-Jerrel (Project Runaway) was the designer of Kelly’s outfit?
I still LOL!
Chillax, y’all!
Love ya, J-Mo!
6 of 18 | Posted by detinha | Posted on September 15, 2008 12:34 PM
Much love J-Mo for a fabulous recap :)
While Silver Spoon is a nancy little bitch, they keep editing her saying "Rick Schroder is my husband" into random places. Like she said it once, but they keep putting into what she is saying. She needs to shut up about being "her own person" though. I have no idea who Rick Schroder is and I'm not even going to take the time to look him up.
I dunno know why, but I love the creepy love between Whatisit and Black Eye. It's like their odd personalities and slow-talking ways belong together.
7 of 18 | Posted by pixiegal262 | Posted on September 15, 2008 12:43 PM
I would say I laughed my ass off reading your recap (that priceless letter to China with that priceless photo of Natalie! Mrs. Schroeder's heart as a fallout shelter! the Robert and Eddie hateration! and everything else!) but unfortunately my whole big ass is still all here. Who came up with that sorry figure of speech anyway?
For some reason, my Explorer kersplodes when I reach the Wisit tent photo in page 8, but all the other pages I can read fine. So I missed some of the recap. But did you notice (and therefore bring up) that at some point in the show Robert was being a total self-satisfied smug ass talking about getting things done and how good he was at it (I'm paraphrasing, I have already deleted the show from my DVR) and then they cut to some other team working on... LAMPS? I would say I LMAOed at that, too, but... Kudos to the Top Design editors, writers, whoever did that.
And kudos to your boyfriend for making you put in the Prettyboy Preston beefcake photo. Give him a smooch for me...
I'll miss Jenny. She didn't deserve to go. But Robert's change of expression from a smirk to a frozen rictus when they told him he also was out was priceless.
I am strangely pumped at the idea of seeing Santino next week. Why? I also really really really hope that Jeffrey will make Mr. Prissy Eddie cry like he made that other lady's mom cry...
8 of 18 | Posted by sayhuh | Posted on September 15, 2008 2:31 PM
Oh, and I forgot. Was that really Big Daddy posting on last week's recap or an impostor? Do you know?
9 of 18 | Posted by sayhuh | Posted on September 15, 2008 2:36 PM
I love your shit J-Mo. By shit, I mean your hilarious recaps...although in that pic from the drag pageant you are handsome, but my wife would probably not approve of us (look at me mentioning my wife. I should be on Shear Genius).
What was I saying? Oh, right, why do designers not know how to dress themselves? If I ever met with Eddie BauRoss and he was dressed like that he wouldn't get within 100 yards of my house.
Of course, If Mrs. Ricky Schroeder ever did work for me, she would probably flip out becuase I wouldn't stop asking Silver Spoons questions (Do you know Afonso Ribiero?).
10 of 18 | Posted by DrJerkass | Posted on September 16, 2008 5:21 AM
Pegster... yeah, I kinda think Natalie might be functionally retarded. In actuality, the Chinese were probably NOT so upset about the Hiroshima bombing, because it helped bring about the end of Japan's occupation of THEIR country, but then again, Natalie doesn't look like history is her strong point.
arizonatom... you sound cute when you giggle, I can hear you from here... love to you back!
bingo blog boy... I don't know if we could play that drinking game... I dunno if my local liquor store carries a 55-gallon drum of tequila or not. :)
tvismyfriend... sorry about sharing TMI in my response... if you didn't wanna see more of Eddie's booty, you prolly didn't wanna know that I'd prolly hit that, either... my bad. :)
detinha... the way I do it is to bring Altoids or gum WITH me when I go talk to the person, and then when their miasma of death-breath starts causing people to pass out, I whip out my tin of mints and take one and then offer it around... if the offender DOESN'T take one, I usually try to say something subtle like: "You're killing the vegetation on the planet, for the love of Jesus, please take a fucking mint!"... using only my eyes... :)
pixiegal262... you know, actually I did catch that, too, it seemed like the Rick Schroder comment was pasted in apropos of nothing, however, the fact that she brought that fucking picture in again was just as bad as if she really did say it. I think she needs to get over herself and her husband's amazing "career"...
sayhuh... I am hopeful that it really was Big Daddy who posted the comment, since his neighbor Carawatches2muchtv said she might mention the site to him. I hope it is him cuz I want to get a hot-tubbin' interview with him after the show is over with... :)
DrJerkass... You can trust me to be discreet, I'd never tell your wife about our little sauna rendezvous... unless she was Andrea Schroder. *huggles*
Thanks for the love everybody, new Salon Takeover is coming soon, I promise!
love, J-Mo :)
11 of 18 | Posted by J-Mo | Posted on September 16, 2008 9:12 AM
LOL! Thanks, J-Mo! I'll do it! I always have Orbit with me (To clean up my dirty mouth! lol)
Love!
12 of 18 | Posted by detinha | Posted on September 16, 2008 1:13 PM
Hey J-Mo, don't worry, I don't think any less of you for the insights into your warped lustings. Your recaps would probably be a little less fun without them. ;)
Anyone else reminded of Suede from Project Runway whenever Eddie's in interview (without the annoying third-person thing, of course, but with plenty other things to irritate)?
13 of 18 | Posted by tvismyfriend | Posted on September 16, 2008 2:09 PM
Imagine, they're expecting me to do work at my job and keep me away from my friends at the gasm . . . haaarrruuuummmpphhhhh!!!!!!
J-mo, OMG, this is soooo funny, and your comment: "You're killing the vegetation on the planet, for the love of Jesus, please take a fucking mint!"... using only my eyes... :)
LOLOLOLOLOLOL!!!!!! that is so classic!!!!
Strangly, those peeps w/ offending breath,
1. usually can't tell, which is why I'm so paranoid and eat Listerine strips like there's no tomorrow . . .
2. After you mention it, and feel like you just snacked out of the cat box, they revert back to their old ways . . .
3. I have told people they need to eat breakfast, and they need to floss, literally, but they never do, so I go back to the cat box and select a new nugget to crunch!
4. There are so many kinds of wonk breath that no mint can cover . . . sadly!
It was fun to see Rabid get the ax, he really didn't seem to be too creative in all that anality, but Jenny was a bit out of her league, they have some people of questionable experience mixed with people you all hate, so I hope we're going to enjoy a season of hate, as I fear they're moving toward the supah-stahs, just so Silver can go on the talk show circut and say what's she's been saying over and over.
I thought the love affair was cute, and unexpected . . . I like Whatsit, but once again, he's a fashion designer . . . anyone!? Is it me . . .
14 of 18 | Posted by juddfan | Posted on September 16, 2008 2:53 PM
You nailed it again, J-Mo. I laughed my ass off a bunch of times. This one was gold:..."Let's see... nine times eleventy-seventeen is...twelfdy-third?"...
Robert is an ass -- I feel bad for Jenny, although I have a feeling she wasn't going to be around for long anyway. It just must suck to be paired up with a prig like that douchenozzle though.
I don't know all of the "designestants" names yet, so what's the deal with th sexondinecity nickname? Is her name Ondine? Where's the sex? Which city? Help!
15 of 18 | Posted by zbird | Posted on September 16, 2008 5:25 PM
Hey Zbird:
Ondine was a set designer on "Sex in the City." Unlike some people, she doesn't go throwing it in people's faces every chance she gets. *coughAndreacough* I like her but she needs some conditioner and a comb.
Luuuuvin' the recaps J-Mo!
Keep it up! D'oh!
16 of 18 | Posted by 2muchBravo | Posted on September 16, 2008 10:34 PM
J-Mo- loved this recap! The captions especially amused me greatly. I really did have a problem focusing on this episode. I kept screaming, "how come no one is putting in a toilet" in a bomb shelter for 50 years, honestly that is my biggest concern. Yet no one- the judges or the contestants noticed it- I'm glad my fellow TvGasm folks did or I would go crazy!
pixiegal- I am too loving the lovefest between wisit and that other guy. They make me smile
17 of 18 | Posted by tvkitty | Posted on September 17, 2008 12:30 PM
tvismyfriend... don't give me carte blanche like that... but since you did, thanks, now I feel like I can comfortably discuss my sexual attraction to giant inflatable gorillas... we'll cover that in a later recap.
And as far as Pleather and Eddie... I find Pleather far more irritating than Eddie (for now, it looks like next week he pulls the "I work for Martha Stewart" c*nt-card out on somebody, and to disastrous results) and Pleather is a total ugg-face to me, at least with Eddie I can picture shutting him up by shoving something in his endlessly jabbering mouth...
juddfan... OMG your cat-box treats made me blow a big ol' booger out so hard I don't know where it went! I think for Halloween I'm going to bake a cake and cover the top of it with grayish Pop-Rocks and Tootsie Rolls and call it "Fresh Step Tartlet"... and yes, I could totally see Black-Eye and Whatisit being lovers living in a condo in Los Feliz or SilverLake...
zbird... 2muchBravo is correct about Ondine's nickname, and actually I've been proven wrong, she has kept her "Sex And The City" resumé pretty low-key so far... either that or the editors just haven't used much footage of her trumpeting about that...
2muchBravo... LOL at "she needs some conditioner and a comb", that was another booger-shooter! :)
tvkitty... THANK you! I was so thinking about how vile it would be to be in there after 5 days much less 50 years with no way to get rid of your own poo! Crazy!
love to all of you,
J-Mo :)
18 of 18 | Posted by J-Mo | Posted on September 18, 2008 9:06 AM