Speaking of which, Eddie BaueRoss proudly repeats their Team Red concept of "Panty-Dropping Chic" (ugh!) and says they already found their perfect ottoman, as well as this really super-gay-looking Asian cabinet and a table to hold the 70-inch flat-screen TV. Eddie seems puzzled that someone would need such a large TV, but he says "I guess the bigger the screen... the bigger the bewbs!"...
...this boob is big enough on a three inch screen, thankyouverymuch...
Team Blue (with concept "Masculine *snort* Zen") seems to be working quite well together as Silver Spoon Andrea and Whatisit pretty much decide everything, leaving Twiggy Teresa as the official clock-watcher/time-announcer.
Team Green (with concept "Tailored And Conservative Axe Murderer") on the other hand, is oil-and-watering their way through everything as usual. Downtown Shazia Brown says she told Prettyboy and Black Eye that they should stick together and tag stuff, but of course they didn't listen to her, so they went running off and they wound up tagging all the same stuff.... "But if I tagged it... and Preston tagged it... then it was Preston's find!" she complains. Christmas on a cracker, Shazia! What fucking difference does it make who tagged what? Let him take credit for all the tacky shit, then! God, is she annoying! SHZ is ▼$13.83.
Black Eye Nathan says it was like babysitting. He understands that being a designer is all about collaborating, but "It just became, like, Needy Von McNeederson!" Team Green is trying to check out, and all ShazBot wants to do is stand around and make a scene....
...I think Needy Von McNeederShaz needs a nap...
She's standing there attacking them with "Then you guys up and left me and it took me like 10 minutes to find you!" Black Eye Nathan fires back with "Well, put your runnin' shoes on, honey... this is a Com. Pe. Ti. Tion!" LOL, Nathan, you are so making me fall in love with your pasty ass and eye-bags this episode! NTH is ▲$0.96!
Now they get another generous 30 minutes and $1000 to blow at Cost Plus World Market and The Container Store (brand placement abounds!) Then they have two hours to work and give their various tradespeople their various assignments. And again, while Team Red and Team Blue are just sailing along at top speed, Team Green is meeting with their carpenter and fighting over some drapery panels they want to put up over the windows. Preston just wants to do a simple dowel-rod construction, but ShazBot insists that it won't hold up and thinks they should do something called "cornice boards". My first thought is "Wouldn't the carpenter know if using dowel rods was too flimsy?", but I guess he's too busy enjoying having a ringside seat to Bitchfest '08 (Part 37) to bother commenting.
Prettyboy is getting frustrated as he says he is trying to come up with quick and easy solutions to their needs so as not to overload the carpenter with a zillion projects they need done, but Her Shazzalazzadingdonginess keeps turning them around into much more complicated time-consuming projects. She's proud of the fact that eventually she "won the argument" and they're doing to do things her way. I wouldn't characterize it as "won the argument" so much as they "got tired of the nails-on-a-chalkboard sound of your voice" and caved in order to salvage their eardrums. TMG is ▼$16.27.
The next morning they are all off to La Brea Avenue to spend an hour and $2000 to get their finishing touches. The Teams are all at a store called Craig Olsen, and in their frantic running around, a vase gets broken! They cut to SexOndineCity stupidly trying to jam the severed neck back down onto the cracked base...
..."Maybe no one will notice!"...
Yeah, um, clay only retains that malleable property before it becomes pottery, Ondine-honey. Duh. Eddie interviews that it "was honestly a really ugly green vase!" Ugly or no, what's the rule at the china shoppe? You break it, you bought it. Eddie asks the proprietor how much the vase was and is absolutely incensed to learn of the $100.00 price tag! "This is like five dollars at the gift show!" he bleats right in front of the store owner, "This is probably twenty-five dollars tops!"...
...I think we're all noticing the snobbish asshole in this shot...
The shop owner is sticking to his price of $100, and Eddie BaueRude is continuing to argue with him based on his impeccable knowledge of Ugly Green Vase Pricing, and he's really pissed the queen off, and now the guy is saying he doesn't want to sell anything to Eddie (other than the broken vase) because he doesn't like Eddie's attitude. That makes, well, several million of us now...
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Comments (18)
Fabulous recap J-Mo :).
Shazia had my blood boiling this episode. She whines and whines and whines and then is surprised when someone actually says something about it. She has no real design taste and should have gone in that first episode when she not only completely fucked up the Pop Design but also screwed her team by getting all the fabric wet.
Anywho, I believe that green crap florists stick flowers into is called "floral foam". How i know that, I don't remember. I think i heard it somewhere, therefore I could be completely wrong.
1 of 18 | Posted by pixiegal262 | Posted on September 28, 2008 10:13 AM
Darling J-Mo,
How awesome are you? First, you post a recap that made me laugh so hard I had to redo my eye makeup, so much for waterproof. And,then, you post such a sweet picture. I'm having my hubby blow it up and print it out, so I can put it up on the wall above my desk to keep me giggling.
Love, love, love your recaps,
Hugs,
Yenta
2 of 18 | Posted by yentapatrol | Posted on September 28, 2008 10:35 AM
Hi J-Mo! I'm only on page two and I had to comment about two things. First: "...help me, Obi-Web Producer... you're my only hope!..." HA!
Second [rant]: The first moment Eddie said his oh-so-NOT-clever "Panty-Dropping Chic" catchphrase, I groaned out loud. I just KNEW it would be repeated ad nauseum throughout the episode, and I was sadly right. Okay, let's get this straight (hee): NO man, gay or straight, should even USE the word "panty." In fact, I vote that no one use that word anymore -- it just has way too much of a pedophile overtone. His use and overuse of that word made him look/sound like a perv and a clueless one at that. I cannot stand him. Shaz sucked, but Eddie is just too annoying to live.
[/rant] Okay, back to reading the recap and giggling.
3 of 18 | Posted by zbird | Posted on September 28, 2008 12:27 PM
J-Mo;
Terrific recap! Especially the "stock" quotes - quite clever and very timely in this economic "downturn". I purposely kept the Diet Dr. Pepper away from the desk while I was reading this - I get tired of mopping up the spills (normally a two-sheeter job).
I am so damn happy that Shaz is gone - she was the most annoying designtestant-wannabe ever. Of course everyone knows that in the Pakistani community you are to be, or to marry, a doctor, lawyer or engineer. Because, of course, they don't have mechanics, retail clerks, waiters and watresses, or maids in Pakistan. Oh, but just by the off-chance that they do, they are all married to the professionals listed above, according to Shaz. What a UTENSIL (as opposed to the male-gendered TOOL). And I am positive that every member of that community also goes around calling people "dick" and "fucking bitches". Way to do your people proud, you untalented hack. SHZ should now be delisted from the NYSE.
Hopefully Eddie BewbRoss will be the next to go. He is as annoying as Martha and probably sucks just as much as Oprah!
PrettyBoy Preston needs to go back to appearing shirtless in the episodes - it's a good luck charm for him (just like straight jocks wearing the same underwear when they are on a winning streak, or not cutting their girly-looking long hair, or not shaving their bramble-patch scruff and looking like a vajayjay). YAY for PrettyBoy staying around for a while longer.
Keep it up!
Lots O' Love
4 of 18 | Posted by Arizonatom | Posted on September 28, 2008 12:56 PM
Just had to post my love for Jeff Lewis...I don't even really know what it is...but I seriously love him!!! 95% percent of the time he is being funny with his rude comments and I love it...I totally get him...he cracks me up and I could watch him all day long...so bring on the Bravo crossovers with Jeff anyday...!!
5 of 18 | Posted by eellsinoc | Posted on September 28, 2008 3:34 PM
I'm not a fan of Jeff Lewis but I thought he was a pretty good judge.
I so wanted to see the self-important buffoon Eddie bitch fight it out with the owner of the store. Glad the owner didn't back down and take his shit. He's as annoying as an itch you can't reach and needs to go.
Happy that Shazzy is gone and wondering if she's still engaged after that major put down to all single men. Oh well, she can always find a doctor or lawyer since the Pakistani community is crawling with them.
Funny recap and love the picture captions.
6 of 18 | Posted by skies | Posted on September 28, 2008 8:51 PM
"Crunchy Taco, Hidden Strapon"! Oh lordy, that is genius.
Eddie is such a repellent little creature. But his outburst? Jackpot. Jack. Pot. I had to play it back a couple times. It was only a matter of time before he busted out with "don't you KNOW who I AM?" I hope he stays around for a long time, throws a temper tantrum every week, but in the end not win. And what's with his tongue wagging every time his team is picked? *shudder* So disgusting.
7 of 18 | Posted by shelleyh | Posted on September 29, 2008 7:13 AM
I'm still just beginning on this, but have to say how genius it is!!!!! F*in awesome, J-mo!!!! You rule, baby!!! Can't wait to finish tomorrow!!!!
xoxoxox
8 of 18 | Posted by juddfan | Posted on September 29, 2008 7:02 PM
Ah, see, the way it works is this: girls actually want us guys to be kind of messy and icky -- it reinforces our masculinity, and reassures them that we just don't have the time to fuss about the cave, we're out there hunting meat. See, it's all caveman biological stuff. The hearth is supposed to be the gals' terrain, no matter how much bitchin' and moanin' they do that they want us to 'help out' (i.e., follow their orders) around the house.
And besides, the girls see us as fixer-uppers -- only a gold-digger wants to walk into a stylish bachelor pad. Real woman want to see the mess, the grosser the better. Gives them something to put all their weird hormonal energy into.
That's Shazzalamarama's whole problem: she has a fiance, so she's already moved on into bitchy wife zone. If the guy's smart, he'll run.
Can't believe I'm watching this show...I mean, I'm not a homophobe (I really couldn't give a shit who fucks who), but I get the feeling my brain just melts into this limp-wristed lisping mush when I watch this show...well, okay, I find that part even more hilarious...but surely there are gay guys out there who can properly pronounce their S's?
9 of 18 | Posted by itchy | Posted on September 29, 2008 10:14 PM
Umm...just in case...I wrote the above commment at about 5 am (my time), so maybe a little too bleary to make myself clear.
At any rate, I just want to be clear that I see homosexuality as a perfectly natural part of humanity, okay? Don't want to ruffle any feathers.
Although I get a little impatient with stereotypes. But that's across the board, not limited to my hilarity at the many shades of fayness displayed on this show. But yeah, I'd rather watch this show than American Gladiator. I guess gay stereotypes are just more entertaining.
Of course, I adore Heidi Klum's lisp. Go figure.
10 of 18 | Posted by itchy | Posted on September 30, 2008 8:06 AM
Oh J-mo, tooo funny!!!! Walking organ donor, Karma Chameleon, glowing vulva-vision, there's just way too many to mention!!! The show was just okay, you've made it into a masterpiece!!!!
I'm glad shazzie's gone, like really glad, but it's 2 weeks too late, and BD should still be there!!!!! Waaaaa!!!!
I'd like to see Silent Twiggy step up and do something, she's not on Top Design Assistant--this is not with hate, I hope she's better than some of the other fodder.
I hope lispy Eddie stays the whole time, he's one that I love to hate, and now I know what cockatoo's look like when they reincarnate as humans . . . unless that's a botched nose job . . . anyone!?
Itchy, I love's havin' me some straight love here, for reals!!! You're comments are always right on, and I appreciate having you're point of view in the mix. We're all gasmi first, right!!!! Sistah's forevah!!!!! XOXOXOXO
11 of 18 | Posted by juddfan | Posted on September 30, 2008 11:23 AM
Hilarious recap, as always, J-Mo. Nooooooo, don't claim Obi Web-Designer for the gays!!!! I want to claim him for our side, dammit! How many times can a woman find a guy who's cute, takes care of himself and is into interior design???? I know the term "metrosexual" is really passé, but really, does that mean they don't exist anymore and that they were all gay all along, just like our husbands claimed all that time? I'll tell you what, you let us keep Obi Web-Designer, you can have Itchy. Us bitchin' moanin' wives don't need any more of that. Surely there are straight guys out there who know other words than bitchin' and moanin'?
And can someone explain Eddie's "I'm gonna save a buck" crusade to me? Was he brown-nosing the Bravo people by trying to save them money? Was he hyperventilating because he would get $100 less worth of dropped panties due to this money coming out of his budget? Was he told he would have to pay for it himself? How much does Martha Stewart pay her people anyway?
Oh, and juddfan, I laughed so much at that image of Eddie being a reincarnated cockatoo. But what did that evil cockatoo do to have to come back as Eddie?
12 of 18 | Posted by sayhuh | Posted on September 30, 2008 11:56 PM
"I know the term "metrosexual" is really passé, but really, does that mean they don't exist anymore and that they were all gay all along, just like our husbands claimed all that time?"
I would say in the US that 90% were gay the rest were hetero or bi just going for the latest fad in order to get girls. Here is the thing if you want to know if men are actually gay such as the Clay Aikens or any other male singer ask a hetero male but not a Republican or a Southerner unless they consider the Bible Belt an inescapable hell and that the North should invade again to restart Reconstruction again.
Only in Japan will you find honest hetero metrosexuals and that is because in Japanese society that is considered masculine while muscular guys especially bodybuilders are considered to be flaming homosexuals.
13 of 18 | Posted by yeschef | Posted on October 1, 2008 8:33 AM
Oh sayhuh, if it helps any, I'm an excellent cook, the Mrs. hasn't had to step foot in the kitchen for 15 years. Oh yeah, I'm 100% monogamous too.
But yeah, I'm the definitely of a true slob. Oh well, can't have everything!
I really think you ought to qualify the male singer thing -- you mean, any male singer who has also been on American Idol is gay, right?
14 of 18 | Posted by itchy | Posted on October 1, 2008 9:21 AM
"I really think you ought to qualify the male singer thing -- you mean, any male singer who has also been on American Idol is gay, right?"
Unless they are ugly, or married to a woman then there is a 90% chance that the male singer is gay unless it's rock and roll and associated subgenres (for example Death Metal) as well as rap and/ or hip-hop with associated subgenres. It's the sex with groupies thing lifestyle. That tends to attract Hetero guys wheras Country, especially Pop not known for that. In fact the males are considered standoff-ish towards women.
15 of 18 | Posted by yeschef | Posted on October 1, 2008 9:45 AM
yeschef, that cockatoo probably did some decorating with the only "paint" it had available, and is now back to right his wrongs-let's see if he fails at that, who knows what the next life will be . . .
gnat perhaps . . .
As for all singers being gay, well, my gaydar goes a beeping, like on Ackon's video for "Don't Matter" ( I think ) he's getting all beachy with a bikini babe, and it looks about as natural as a kiss between Tommy Girl and Katiebot!!! That Ray J guy gives a few blips too, tho I heard he was in a sex tape with Whitney . . . maybe he's the bi kind . . .
I do believe in Metro's tho, it's about time we took care of ourselves as humans first, sexes second . . . no harm in a little moisturizer!!! (or cover stick, or even guyliner for some) ; )
I do think Prince is straight, and also Andre 3000, but I wish LL Cool J was a big flamer, then I'd don a tee saying "I'm the one Momma was talking about!"
16 of 18 | Posted by juddfan | Posted on October 1, 2008 10:37 AM
"As for all singers being gay, well, my gaydar goes a beeping, like on Ackon's video for "Don't Matter" ( I think ) he's getting all beachy with a bikini babe"
Akon could very well be in denial. His homophobic lyrics are a huge tell. A lot of rap is formulaic these days so much so the rap songs start to blend into one another. Just add sex, violence and orc sounding names for the recipe to success as a rap star.
I didn't say all singers just a lot of them in certain genres.
17 of 18 | Posted by yeschef | Posted on October 1, 2008 12:14 PM
Wow, this discussion sure took off into interesting and diverse places...
pixiegal262... thank you! And yes, you were right, I was advised that "floral foam" is what that stuff is called... thank you for that, it was really bugging me!
yentapatrol... Aww, shucks, sorry about the eye-makeup, but what a sweet compliment! Thank you!
zbird... honey, I totally agree with you, I try to never utter the word aloud myself (I much prefer "undies" or the popular "chonies" myself) but then again, pretty much EVERY word that comes out of Eddie's mouth sounds irritating...
Arizonatom... LOL, glad you liked the stock quotes... it just seemed appropriate to use them this week... and I totally agree with you, Potty-Mouth Shaz is being a total UTENSIL (LOL @ that!)...
eellsinoc... hey, I ain't mad atcha for lovin' on Jeff Lewis, and I know that queen can be pretty sharp when she's not obsessing about, you know, the most inconsequential shit on the planet and she is a helluva designer, I actually love what she does on her own show, but sometimes her "pissy queen" persona gets old real fast... thanks for chiming in, though!
skies... thank you so much, I'm glad you enjoyed the captions, and yes, I was hoping for a slap'n'scratchfight at the design store, both of them were kinda being little bitches, LOL...
shelleyh... yes, honey, that shore was some TV GOLD there, Eddie is definitely aiming to be the "villian" of this season by all his outrageous egotistical bullshit... and I, too, am hoping he makes it to the final two, only to lose in the end... HA!
itchy... no feathers ruffled on MY wings... I get tired of the lispy queens sometimes, too, especially when I know they don't have to be that gay all the time... I think Eddie plays it up for camera time... and as far as the Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus thing, child, I couldn't even begin to guess 'bout none of that stuff! :)
juddfan... as always, thank you for your many kindnesses, I'm glad you enjoyed it... I never noticed before, but perhaps you are right about there being some kind of plastic surgery gone awry... I'll have to try and remember to look closer at him (because lord knows, this show can't get away from having 490 interview segments with Eddie BewbRoss)...
sayhuh... Lo ciento, mi dulce, I call 'em like I see 'em... how many straight guys do you know that even are aware of Elle Decor? I'm just sayin'... Tell you what, though, we'd all be happy to send Eddie back over to your side of the tracks... he's kinda cute, like a leprechaun, only more annoying... fair trade? Hey, HE'S the one who CLAIMS to be so familiar with "panty-dropping" events... LOL
And yeschef... my personal take on the whole "metrosexual" fad reminds me a lot of the "bisexual" craze... IMHO it's a way for some gay people who aren't totally comfortable self-identifying as gay to allow themselves an out. Annoying at times, but hey, everybody has their own path to travel, y'know? And I think I'll leave it at that...
Fascinating discourse, though, the Gasmii got deep on my ass this time! Love it!
love, J-Mo :)
18 of 18 | Posted by J-Mo | Posted on October 2, 2008 11:48 PM