Hey Gasmi, it's February, and you know what that means. The weather stinks, and you're broke from trying to buy your loved ones' affections over the holidays, all of which means it's time to start spending some serious time with the glass teat. Now we all have our favorite poisons when it comes to rotting our brains out, but for this particular waffleboy, you can never go wrong with a good solid crap movie that some programmer is playing over and over on le tube de boob. Today's movie has everything you need when looking for craptastic goodness, plenty of explosions, plenty of fisticuffs, HBO's been running it on a 20 minute loop lately, and just to make everyone feel way uncomfortable, Billy Crudup's amazing colossal blue CGI schlong. Yep, I'm talking about the 2009 release, Watchmen. So come on, times a wasting, make the jump and lets get to the good stuff.
(Spoiler alert, this movie isn't one of the 20+ year old action movies I normally fixate on, so if you haven't seen this one yet, and don't want to have all the big plot twists ruined, please stop reading.)
Okay, before we go any farther there are a couple of things to go over up front so this will make more sense. The first thing to remember is that this is a comic book movie. Well actually it's based on a graphic novel, and to be double actually about it, Watchmen sort of invented the concept of a graphic novel. To its fans, Watchmen like War and Peace, The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn, and A Tale of Two Cities all rolled into one. Of course most of these people live in their parents' basement and their virginity can still be described as "in mint condition, still in the box." Still we should respect their opinion, because the IT department is an important part of any organization.
Aside from that, the important thing to remember about the world we are about to visit is that comic book heroes are real, and Nixon is still president in 1985. Yes,it's the world Glen Beck dreams about every night. Anyway, everybody all up to speed? Great, on with the show.
Our movie starts in a pretty nice apartment. A guy in an old scruffy robe makes himself something hot to drink and settles down on the couch to do a little glass teat suckling of his own. Too bad for him, that's right when somebody litterly kicks his door in clean off the hinges. The guy in the old scruffy robe makes some crack about not being surprised because it was only a matter of time, and then he and the guy standing in the shadows at his door start making with the serious fisticuffs.
Well okay, the guy in the shadows is making with the fisticuffs; the guy in the scruffy robe is pretty much getting his butt driven so high up between his shoulder blades that he is starting to look like the Hunchback of Notre Dame. Still it's not for the lack of trying on the part of the guy in the scruffy robe, judging by the punch he throws that goes clean through the wall, he's pretty badassed too. His main problem is that the guy in the shadows is like way super faster, and after getting thrown into every piece of breakable furniture in the room, the guy in the scruffy robe gets launched out of his plate glass window. Oh and it's a double bummer for scruffy robe guy, because he just happens to live on what looks like the 50th floor of his apartment building and proceeds to start seriously plummeting to his death.
The camera comes down and pans over scruffy guy's now very lifeless corpse and then zooms in on the little smiley face button he was wearing at the start of his epic butt kicking. As the button stops bouncing and rolling around, it comes to a halt in the expanding pool of scruffy robe guy's blood, and then the music comes up and the credits start.
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Comments (6)
i LOVE that movie! one of the reasons is the soundtrack. the opening scene with the comedian being killed to "unforgettable" - well. unforgettable.
also: i agree to your statements regarding the whiny girl who complains about her relationship facing nuclear war :D that was funny.
1 of 6 | Posted by mila superstar | Posted on February 8, 2010 11:05 AM
Yay, waffleboy! I LOVE your trashbacks!
I'm glad you've taken a break from recapping that TV crap to recap this, uh, crap. It was hilarious!
2 of 6 | Posted by pixielated | Posted on February 8, 2010 2:55 PM
Waffleboy--you are hilarious. I never saw this movie (don't "need" to now), but I'll read any recap you write...
3 of 6 | Posted by bluzgirl | Posted on February 9, 2010 12:46 PM
Dear Waffleboy,
I had a horribly stuffy nose before I read your recap, but now it's all clear thanks to you. I won't tell you what my desk looks like though.
:-O
I loved your recap more than I loved this movie. Well, except for that part about Delaware.
Thanks for the giggles on a shitty, snowy day!
SWAK, PottyMouth
4 of 6 | Posted by PottyMouth | Posted on February 10, 2010 10:25 AM
hi everyone,
mila superstar: You know what? I agree with you, Unforgettable is a great song to play during that opening fight scene.
Hey pixielated, glad you like these. They're a lot of fun, and if I had more time I'd do these and TV recaps every week, but they work out to about 10,000 words between doing two posts, which is kind of like writing a 30 page term paper every week, that you can't just copy out of wikipedia. Still, it's always cool when I get to share a fun crap movie with friends.
Aw, thanks for the compliment bluzgirl, hopefully you'll still be thinking that when I go back to recapping V in March.
PottyMouth, always glad to help a friend blow their nose, especially when I don't have to be in the room while it happens, and sorry for the Delaware crack. Just out of curiosity, what would be your choice for state on the Eastern Seaboard you'd like to see nuked back into the stone age?
5 of 6 | Posted by waffleboy09 | Posted on February 11, 2010 6:41 PM
Oh, that one's easy. Virginia. Because it's for lovers. And I hate lovers. All that kissing and hugging and shiny happiness? Please nuke them.
6 of 6 | Posted by PottyMouth | Posted on February 12, 2010 8:42 AM