I really did have high hopes for Treasure Hunters, but starting about .3 seconds into the premiere, I began to get that nervous, regretful feeling. You know what I'm talking about. Literally, as the show began, we saw enticing aerial images of glaciers, but then a gravelly narrator with a voice so deep it threatened to destroy all subwoofers declared "SOMEWHERE..." Uh oh. Was this going to be one of those shows? You know, the type that takes itself just a tad too seriously? The short answer: hell yes.

Anyway, the narrator then announced that SOMEWHERE was "a hidden treasure worth MILLIONS!" I could almost feel my feet vibrating with each passing syllable. So far, in this show's brief, five second history, it seemed to be erring on the side of bombastic. I had no idea what sort of ridiculous pretension lay ahead of me. Luckily, all I had to do was wait about two more seconds for the next ridiculous boast.

This treasure we were all hunting around for? Well, "it's secret is protected by history!!!" Yes, history. And/or the producers. Okay, okay, I get it. The show was creating some sort of myth or legend -- the parameters of its world, if you will -- similar to how Survivor always submerges us in silly lore about ancient peoples and customs (as if we'd turned on the show for an anthropology lesson, not to watch a bunch of pretty people starve themselves and get eaten by bugs).

Nevertheless, the ridiculous quotient went from massive to astounding just a few more seconds later. Not only was this treasure protected by history, but -- and get this -- "it's location is guarded by an ancient secret society." Okay, listen. I don't care how grizzly Ron Howard looks these days; the executives at Imagine Entertainment and NBC are not an ancient secret society. And don't try to have us believe that the grand prize of Treasure Hunters, a reality show, just happens to be a sacred item that some long lost civilization keeps under lock and key. Let's just keep the hyperbole to a healthy level, mmkay?

Anyway, we then found five teams of treasure hunters hanging out in the Arctic Circle. But wait! I thought there were supposed to be ten teams. The narrator then announced that these five teams teams were not alone. Might there be another secret society on the loose? One that obsessively guards such hallowed prizes as a Saturn Ion? Or perhaps a Sony Viao computer? Or a year's worth of tickets from Fandango?

Nope. No other secret societies, but there were more teams. Five more, to be exact. Yes, this second group was located in the "South Pacific," or as the show probably should have called it, "Hawaii."