TVgasm Recaps

***And now please welcome home Monamonzano with True Beauty!!

Can you see my soul? Well, it's hot.

The question True Beauty poses is: can beauty be measured by science? Yes. Can Douchiness? Science hasn't progressed that far, folks.

Nessie, explaining quantum physics to Nole.

This week, True Beauty, features Vanessa Hudgens, I mean Manillo, as a personality-less troll with some serious facial expressions and the kiddies get to give to cherity. And by charity, I mean someone besides Chelsea.

This week on True Beauty, The beauties take action sports photos. America's next top model fans beware, there are always those lame catches that make the contestants seem more "human," like tests of "Compassion," "selflessness" and..."non-dickheadishness." Okay, I made up the "non-dickheadheshness. " It's not a word, just a state of mind.

Mr. Caddywhompus is....TRUE BEAUTY.

Today's challenge? I make you all 98 degree MIX TAPES!

This week on True Beauty, Nessie makes the Beauties pose with old people for a photo shoot. Eeew! She also makes them do terrible impressions of themselves for her own amusement. Who will bump heads? Who will throw a tantrum? Who will help an ugly little crying girl placed by producers to flummox the Beauties and see if they are good people or not? Who will learn the semi-interesting secret of the show? All this and more....

More old people? AHHHHH!

This magnificent week on True Beauty, the Beauties learn what it's like to undergo relatively low-pressure exercise that doesn't involve a gym. Then, they have to shoot a video, ironically, about what "Natural Beauty" means to them. Yeah, I know, somebody hide their boobies (I'm looking at you, LLL). The Judges look at their videos and decides who wins and who is a complete and utter failure! Yay!

I just pinpointed the exact moment Vanessa Manillo went crazy.

This week on True Beauty, the Beauties are thinning out, but I don't mean physically. I also am not making a reference to Billy's hair. It's a judgement by teens as to who is the fittest, prettiest and nicest. TEENAGERS, people! Complete with sniper comments, fake boobs and white sneakers. But who expects any less from our remaining Beauties.....

They called me chipmunk-cheeks in middle school. Guess I showed them!

This week on True Beauty, four contestants remain: Paggie, LLL, Encino Man and Billy. In a surprise move, their moms (and Billy's dad) come to escort them to a fake hollywood party, and they get judged on their conversational skills, beauty and ability to not make any of the guests vomit.

Uh oh...we have a crier in the house.

Well, after I'm sure a long, angst-ridden waiting period...I, Monamonzano, bring you the FINALE of your favorite show, True Beauty! Well, let's say the show you love to hate, because favorite would be...ahem, maybe a bit to strong. This week, they have their People Magazine Challenge that is, um, a gooey mess of a photo shoot, and someone gets crowned our winner, while the runner ups face certain death. Er, when I say certain death I mean the streets of Hollywood, as they exit the building.