Uh oh...we have a crier in the house.
Well, after I'm sure a long, angst-ridden waiting period...I, Monamonzano, bring you the FINALE of your favorite show, True Beauty! Well, let's say the show you love to hate, because favorite would be...ahem, maybe a bit to strong. This week, they have their People Magazine Challenge that is, um, a gooey mess of a photo shoot, and someone gets crowned our winner, while the runner ups face certain death. Er, when I say certain death I mean the streets of Hollywood, as they exit the building.
On the way home, Encino Man still won't shut up about how the judges think he's purdy. At the house, Billy has a lot of "journal writing" to do and Paggie wants to be the last girl standing, so she can...be a role model to girls? I'm still not sure how being on this show equates to role model-dom, aside from being on TV. Still, Paggie prays that LLL got eliminated so she will get to be the vagina of the house.
The only vagina left...please...god bless Texas....
Encino man comes back and tells the cameras that if he doesn't win, he's going to "consider this whole journey to be a complete failure." That's the spirit, Encino. Don't learn, and certainly don't humble yourself. Then fussy Mcfusserstein Encino Man decides he doesn't want a dwinky-dwinky with Paggie and Billy because he's not in the mood, and stomps off.
But I deserve this. Like, really, deserve it.
Honestly, can Encino Man be a bigger BABY? Billy and Paggie think it's weird, but Billy sums up the fact nicely that Encino Man needs to stop being so hardcore and competitive and dumb as shit. Also, he keeps going around rubbing flint and wood together, and grunting. I mean, what's that about. The next morning, Billy breath freshens, Paggie makes up, and Encino man spreads mayonnaise on his abs.
2nd step: pickles. Maybe, chives.
Okay, okay, know it's not mayo. It's semen, right? Or some sort of man-made product. MAN-MADE! Get it?! Also, I'm awesome.
Then Paggie goes on a tirade about how her fake lashes are suffering, and how, like, fake lashes are a window into the soul of a human being. Hmmmm...okay. Really? Because it looks like a spider just bit your eyelids off, Pag. I guess that's beauty for you. TRUE beauty!
Santa and Jesus blessed my eye extensions. Believe me.
The editors were gracious enough to put some disgusting sound effects to Paggie putting on her fakes. Really? It's like America's Funniest Home videos, but unnecesary and boring. And YES- I love America's Funniest Home Videos, bitches!
Billy just wants the judges to know who he is...you know, inside. He may have blonde highlights, blue eyes, a butt chin and scurvy, a possible coke problem, three cats at home and a baby-sized penis, but judges? Billy Jeffrey (terrible name) wants you to know the REAL HIM. Oh, and he also has an iron deficiency. And, a primordial tail. Kisses, Billy.
In the super secret spy cave, Nessie seems so freaking bored by the show, it's a wonder she isn't eating a cruller and paging through OK magazine while reciting her painfully written TRUE BEAUTY spiel lines.
To be honest, I can't be bothered to brush my hair.
Nessie explains that the Beauties are having their people magazine interview but...surprise (yawn) surprise....they're being judged on how terrible they are.
At the photography studio, Nessie greets the Beauties and tells them again that uh, there are high stakes in this competition.
What kind of stakes? Am I being eliminated???
The "people magazine challenge" is introduced, and Encino Man says that he's been "waiting for a magazine article on himself for a long time." HA! Really? Like, you go to a newsstand, cross your fingers, and open an issue of Details, hoping for the best? Jesus, who are these people???
Nessie introduces Jess Cagle, an Executive and not-so-busy Editor for People Magazine. He sort of looks like a Bill Blass Ad, circa the Mid 1980's.
I built a time machine from 1985, so I could interview some losers. for your show.
Nessie then talks about how they're having an interview, and some fancy schmancy photographer photograph them in a towel. Well, she said that, but then took a ton of time explaining the towel and giving snarky looks to the final Beauties.
Enjoy your towels, bitches.
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Comments (9)
I thought that they should have eliminated Encino first out of the three because there was no way that he would win. If Billy and Julia were left at least there would be a little tension.
Also, it drove me batshit crazy when Julia always talked about being Miss Teen Texas. It was FIVE years ago AND she had to give up her crown, so she didn't even do it for a full year. Pathetic.
1 of 9 | Posted by aman | Posted on March 3, 2009 8:10 AM
Oh, Monamonzano. Were you really bashing Texas in there? That's a shame.
I'm glad Paggie won.
But the best part was Encino Man coming in 2nd after he said that would be the WORST possible outcome. Awesome!
He didn't deserve to be anywhere close to the end, but to see him deflated was well worth it.
2 of 9 | Posted by ThisShowRocks! | Posted on March 3, 2009 9:32 AM
I can't believe I got sucked into this show every week! It was just so terrible and ridiculous and awful.
It made the Joe Schmoe show look real!
P.S. I loved the Joe Schmoe Show and wish it would come back. Billy would be a great "Joe".
3 of 9 | Posted by scottywrangler | Posted on March 3, 2009 12:00 PM
People still watched this show? Think I stopped watching 3 episodes in to it.
Yeah, it wasn't a shocker that the Beauty Pageant chick was going to win it.
I didn't think any of the people deserved it, but whatever. Stupid show that will never come on again, YAY!
4 of 9 | Posted by shollia | Posted on March 3, 2009 12:25 PM
Ugh, encino man is truly ugly inside and out, how he ended up second I will never know, just do some porn dude, that's where looking good naked counts . . . tho I think he makes Nessie twitch down there, she is so over the top defending him when all she can think of is how much harder his abs are than Nicks.
Good tip on the breathing, Billy, I'll remember that next time I'm covered in lube for a photo shoot.
I've never liked Paggie, but she was. I guess, the real true beauty--her reel was pathetically lame, and it was so clear she was takin' this one.
I thought I saw better shots of all of em on the reel than what they picked, esp. Billy--way to make him look like a thawing cave man (sorry encino, I know that's your place)
Anyhoo, glad this is over, I still missed Chelsea, the only entertainment this show had, beside you , beautiful Mona!!!! May your karma card be stocked for having to cap this puppy!
5 of 9 | Posted by juddfan | Posted on March 3, 2009 12:32 PM
I was totally biting my nails up until the very end.
I was convinced at any moment Nessie would turn to the camera and, with a little wink, give the win to...the awesome Monamonzano, of course!
Now that they've found the most beautiful person in America, I imagine we'll be spared the torture of a new season?
6 of 9 | Posted by itchy | Posted on March 3, 2009 1:27 PM
Thank you all SO MUCH for liking the recaps and keeping with me ; ) . I had to make a little fun of Paggie for being so perfect, of course.
7 of 9 | Posted by Monamonzano | Posted on March 3, 2009 3:57 PM
I think it was ridiculous that Joel made it anywhere near the end. It was clear that Nessie had the hots for him which blew the whole thing. Lame. All the nicer people were kicked off first; the ones who actually had some semblance of being beautiful on the inside. I bet if LLL hadn't been brain dead, the final two would have been her and Joel. Billy still would have been 3rd place! Ha!
And Monamozano, God Bless Texas, baby! I'm a Texan! :) Don't Hate! Ha!
8 of 9 | Posted by thatswhatshesaid | Posted on March 3, 2009 5:51 PM
At least it's nice to know I wasn't the only person in the world watching this bizzarro show. On the positive side I have to give kudos to the producers for editing it in such a way that we never knew Miss Grapevine had passed every single niceness challenge. I have to say I could throw a rock and it would land in Grapevine so I may have been a little biased although I was sort of pulling for the sad old blonde dude that had the man purse. Anyway I guess it's tough to make a show that you know you can only do once like "Joe Millionaire" because then the secret is out. Funny recap!
9 of 9 | Posted by geewits | Posted on March 3, 2009 11:41 PM