This week on True Beauty, The beauties take action sports photos. America's next top model fans beware, there are always those lame catches that make the contestants seem more "human," like tests of "Compassion," "selflessness" and..."non-dickheadishness." Okay, I made up the "non-dickheadheshness. " It's not a word, just a state of mind.
Mr. Caddywhompus is....TRUE BEAUTY.
As CJ comes back to the house, the other Beauties ruminate about who will be coming back and who will be going. Some are suprised to see CJ, but it seems as though Ray has caught on (or his agent clued him in) to the fact that Beauty isn't all about looks...or bad skin...or cro magnon features.
Beauty. Within. Gotcha.
Man-ique talks about how she wishes Chelsea would be kicked out of the house and into a vat of clearisil. Man-ique goes on to say that Chelsea is a lot of hair and makeup and that her head is filled with aerisol. Which, of course, is all true. Still, I think Man-ique is trying to get the attention away from her nutsack, which she secures down with duct tape so she can wear spanks all the live long day.
CJ, after a life-changing elimination ceremony, decides to confront Man-ique about her badmouthing Chelsea. Man-ique talks about Chelsea "not being herself" and being "fake." Wha? What's fake about that skin, that hair, that smirk? It seems all to real to me, blech. All too...blotchy. Oh, and here's our little Nancy Drew now...
It's like a scene from the lion king, if it were live action and acted by skanks.
Of course Chelsea didn't think Man-ique was two faced. Well, she is. And now, Chelsea, why don't you give a reactionary, condescending face. Awesome! Check. The next day, Nole and Cheryl wait for Vanessa, who always seems to come into the secret spycam room late, and looking like a pirate-librarian.
Pirate, librarian, awkward 8th grade girl auditioning for a school musical?
Of course, Nole is "so ready" for the next challenge. I swear to god, if I hear Nole using "so" synonymously with....every adjective on the planet, I'm going to puke. On his facial hair. Which doesn't leave me much puke, but pukers can't be choosers.
Nessie heads down to the Beau-crew living room, and tells the beauties to split into four groups. Immediately, "Jocks" and "Nerds," form, basically meaning "slightly more athletic attractive brainless people" and "slightly less athletic attractive brainless people" groupings.
We're jocks. We own sneakers and sports bras.
Then, they have to choose team captains. Of course, Joel gets to be the "jocks" captain. I guess.....on the other hand, who else? That is, if we are basing leadership on bone structure of the lower jurassic period. You win, Joel! The other team tentatively agrees on CJ. Nice.
Three fists for leadership. Huzzah!
The Beauties learn that the losing team captain will not get their protein shake and will probably go home. Also, the person with the worst photo will get their nipple cut off. Sound cruel? Don't worry, most of these "beauties" have an extra nipple to spare, anyway. We should reward genetic freaks with hugs, kisses, and national TV spots!
As half the beauties train, the other half will be tricked into thinking someone exists besides them. This person is an indie-looking actor posing as a makeup artist.
Hi, I'm Jennifer. When I'm not acting like a Betty Paige wannabe who likes to cut herself, I'm a Betty Paige wannabe who likes to cut herself.
Jennifer will be going through a breakup and being oddly rude and unprofessional. The beauties will have to... I dunno, feed her shit ? Rub her back....? Something to make this bitch feel better. And, in true fashion, they will be taped and judged.
So, the "nerd group" gets tested for being good people first. I think the conversation between Jennifer and Chelsea is hilarious, where Jennifer the actress asked Chelsea, the "before" clearasil ad, if she wants to be in a bathing suit, or something. Chelsea takes forever to make faces and decides that a "skort" would be better. Okay, when is a SKORT ever better? Maybe when you're Chelsea...
A skort: Heavily pixellated, heavily douchey.
Then Chelsea wrastles with her Bra.
Beauty cannot be held down by low-grad spandex.
Ray tells the actress she has something in her teeth, but miraculously doesn't get a "pass" from the Judges. Come on!!
I spy some Caesar Salad.
Jessica has lots of phone calls and eventually goes outside to cry. And who comes to the rescue? Why It's a walking anus!
No, Just CJ in Ed Hardy.
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Comments (8)
I have a really sick sense of humor, because the look on Man-ique's face while watching the film of herself belching was PRICELESS!
I keep saying I'm not gonna watch anymore of these empty-headed idiots, but I'm totally sucked in.
I almost think CJ's a plant. Yes, a philodendron.
1 of 8 | Posted by scottywrangler | Posted on January 24, 2009 7:18 AM
thanks for the laughs Monamonzano. this show really blows. it's also kind of obvious that Ray and CJ got some kind of a heads up about the "inner beauty" angle. how about LLL coming up with a spur of the moment idea for a toga party and amazingly production just happened to be down stairs laying out a table with grapes and goblets! they must have hired Miss Cleo as head of production since she got out of the hoosegow. she's probably good friends with tyra and that's how she got the job.
2 of 8 | Posted by soapboxx | Posted on January 24, 2009 11:31 AM
I'm a bit curious about your sex life at the moment. All the comments on blowing and jacking off. Then I realized..it's par for the course. See soapboxx's comment : "really blows" "heads up" "LLL coming" "hoosegow!!" Thanks for the recap.
3 of 8 | Posted by tadow | Posted on January 24, 2009 11:51 AM
ScottyWrangler: Totally right about Man-ique's face....and I especially liked how she globbed on a ton more fake tanner for the elimination ceremony. and CJ IS philodendron! HAHAHA!
soapboxx: yes! It was LLL's idea. Suure. I'll bet all the PA's visit Ralph's and party supply stores and curse the dumb notion that a "theme" party was even necessary for these people.
tadow: Thanks for reading! Sex is always on my mind. Penis. Vagina. Always.
Sorry so short this week, guys!
4 of 8 | Posted by Monamonzano | Posted on January 24, 2009 5:14 PM
tadow..."hoosegow" means jail or prison. It has nothing to do (directly) with sex.
5 of 8 | Posted by cattyfan | Posted on January 25, 2009 8:58 AM
This show is the equivalent of one of those souvenir snow domes -- you know nothing's going to happen, but you just can't help shaking it and watch the snow swirl around.
6 of 8 | Posted by itchy | Posted on January 25, 2009 11:28 AM
I know that silly, was just having fun :)
7 of 8 | Posted by tadow | Posted on January 26, 2009 4:04 AM
Well, here's one show I'm missing due to my lack of TV at the moment, but thanks for keeping me abreast, Mona!!! Tadow, I can assure you, I ain't gettin' none, and I am always dropping the sex heavy vocab around, sometimes it's embarrassing!!! It blows my mind!!!
8 of 8 | Posted by juddfan | Posted on January 26, 2009 11:37 AM