***And now please welcome home Monamonzano with True Beauty!!
Can you see my soul? Well, it's hot.
The question True Beauty poses is: can beauty be measured by science? Yes. Can Douchiness? Science hasn't progressed that far, folks.
Hey Y'all! Velkommen to Ashton Kutcher's new show. No, it isn't punked. Well, actually, it sorta is. Only the people who are getting punked are no-name losers who think "looking like a celebrity" means excessive steroid use. Hmmmm...but who should host this gem of a reality show? Who....someone with zero personality...
Tiegs in Mesh?
An overweight fashionista? (no, the other one)
No, no, no. That's all wrong. Jessica Simpson? Naw, Someone more C list, sloppy second-y. Oh yeah! Miss ex-Teen US Jailbait something. VANESSA MANILLO!
I only do infomercials and shows about ugly people.
Oops. Sorry, that's Vanessa Williams. My bad. Same first name, though, so I should get, I dunno, like one hundred bucks. Wait! Here she is.
Does anyone need a handjob?
Oh, sorry. That's a sloth. A little more personality than we'd prefer. OH! Here's our little lady of the hour....
Promises....
Yep. That's what I'm talking about.
Anyhoo, the show begins with your standard cheesy intro and then Vanessa is letting the secondary judges, Nole Merin and Cheryl Tiegs, check out the judging-stakler-booth. Nole gives a choked-up "Wow," because I guess lots of T.V.s and chairs are impressive. Vanessa goes on to say that the ten lucky contestants are on their way to their mansony-built-for-tv playplace.
And apparently, the economy is bad enough so that ABC got some really flat-stomached extras to come hang out in front of the mansion. Is this a union gig? Is that a stupid question?
Wow, I hope ABC is paying the extras more to hoot and catcall as the contestants pull up...Jesus. The first car is a...Yellow lambroghini? Wow, well I'm no car expert but I sort of assumed they'd get something that isn't...so...1981. But whatever, some of these contestants come from small towns, right? I bet they won't notice.
Whoever invented yellow should be shot.
First we have Laura Lee, the swimsuit model. Arguably, she's the most attractive person on that show. I mean, I'm not factoring disease, skin-related, fake-implant related or vagina related, to be fair. Still, we have more to meet, so I'm going to place any diseases that I "diagnose" (because I have a doctor's license, and a Ph.D. in awesome) aside. After a montage of lovely Laura Lee flipping her hair by the chocolate fountain, we meet Billy.
"Vitamin Store"?
Now, TELL me this guy does not have a coke problem. I dare you. And these days, does gut-churningly-fake mean beautiful? Ugh, I could harpoon small woodland animals on Billy's gelled hair. And, I just might. What? I'm getting hungry. And you better believe I ain't no pussy vegetarian.
I think Billy the Vitamin Store owner is about to Climax.
And, he's from Idaho. Is there a lot of Coke in Idaho? I sense another masters thesis coming on. Yeah, I write theses in my spare time. The next contestant, Monique, I'm fairly confident as a man. Hey, does having a small cock and balls duct taped under your miniskirt mean you're androgynous? Apparently. Jesus, she could wrestle a BEAR. The last person I knew who could do that...well..was ME. The Difference between Monique and myself is that I'm ALL WOMAN.
I'm clearly not.
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Comments (12)
I LOVE LOVE LOVE that you are recapping this crapfest! What a great idea for a show! I just couldn't stand it that the two most deplorable idiots were already on the chopping block. How could Chelsea not be an actress? Nobody that fug actually thinks they are that gorgeous! She is great TV and I hope she gets to stay.
1 of 12 | Posted by scottywrangler | Posted on January 9, 2009 4:32 PM
Oh yeah! Choo-choo! Trainwreck! Trainwreck!
What an awesome show concept--and it's all the more perfect to have you for the recaps, Monamomomonzanono!
I loved how the college graduate with a "biology degree" didn't know the name for a bicep. And Faux-Hawk Guy who works out on a 'regular-regular basis', which I suppose means 'a lot.' And the PBM (proud black man) reminds me an awful lot of that loud guy from Paradise Hotel 2...
And it's just great that in the talking heads they're obviously prompting these people to talk about good-looking they are over and over again. Ditto the cruelty of the hidden challenge idea.
I hope they keep Chelsea in for a while, because she looks like she's excellent at stirring the pot...with this bunch of dullards, the show's going to need some action.
And best of all, the dump the loser in the trash!
2 of 12 | Posted by itchy | Posted on January 9, 2009 5:04 PM
HYSTERICAL!
women that are actually men are always comedy gold!
3 of 12 | Posted by mones | Posted on January 9, 2009 7:26 PM
The funniest thing about this show is that any of these people thinks they are beautiful. Hot...cute...yeah (some of 'em)...but BEAUTIFUL?
So far, it seems like it should be called True Politeness instead of True Beauty.
4 of 12 | Posted by pixielated | Posted on January 10, 2009 7:55 PM
It's Craptacular! It's a hate-hate fest! These people are too stupid to work the counter at Mickey-Dee's! I know Cheryl Tiegs is 61 but her face looks like it's been beaten with a meat mallet then given a spray coat of clear vinyl. I love that they keep bringing up that Billy is 31! OMG what a grandpa. There is no beauty here at all. I have a strong feeling that Ray's agent spilled the beans to him about the inner beauty angle and we will see alot more wiping chocolate from him. I really have too much time on my hands if I continue to spend an hour each week watching this assortment of wanna-never-gonna-be-s deludng themselves into thinking they are actually relevant. If I take up knitting during the show will that cleanse my sin or will I just end up with a lower I.Q. and a mishapen hat?
5 of 12 | Posted by soapboxx | Posted on January 10, 2009 11:12 PM
itchy: I thought the same thing! A biology major doesn't know what a bicep is?! Maybe that's why she's a "club dancer" now.
monamozano (I hope I got that right): HILARIOUS!!! But you left out the best part! The reason why
Haiwannacheesenipyaaya (loved that!) ultimately got kicked off! Not only did she NOT help the PA, she got impatient, went around him and then CLOSED THE DOOR ON HIM so he STILL couldn't get in! wow! And she had the nerve to say she was a good person even after seeing the evidence to the contrary.
This show will be a recapper's dream!! So much stuff to make fun of!
Did anyone else think that at certain times, in certain lights, Cheryl Tiegs looked almost exactly like Paulina Porizkova from ANTM? It was distracting at times! Picture Paulina with blond hair. I wish I could post my own screen grab here...Not sure who I am insulting with that comparison....
Last thing: Did anyone else notice that not one of the judges got Hadiyaha's name right? Not even once? And they each said it differently from the other! I'm surprised she didn't correct them....
6 of 12 | Posted by Thatswhatshesaid | Posted on January 11, 2009 9:02 PM
Sorry, monamonzano. I'll get it right next time. :)
7 of 12 | Posted by thatswhatshesaid | Posted on January 11, 2009 9:08 PM
Is it me, or did that Monique chick, the club dancer, look like a recreation of McKey, winner of last season's ANTM?
8 of 12 | Posted by slutty_whore | Posted on January 12, 2009 5:27 AM
Picture Paulina with blonde hair...and creepy-looking over-peeled skeletor-gray flesh...
You know, I'm from the Cheryl Tiegs generation, I remember the Sports Illustrated cover that made her famous...and I feel really bad for her.
9 of 12 | Posted by itchy | Posted on January 12, 2009 10:53 AM
I feel bad for Tiegs, too. She always looks so sad, and like she doesn't know where she is. I think the dementia's setting in.
Hmm..I dunno, though. I don't think Man-ique looks anything like McKey...Mckey had sharper features and no nutsack, from what I could gather.
10 of 12 | Posted by Monamonzano | Posted on January 15, 2009 10:16 AM
OMG - I freaking love this show. There are so many ironies going on that it tickles me to the core.
First and foremost, anyone notice how Vanessa Manillo is acting ugly when she's behind the scenes and laughing like a hyena when the chocolate gets spilled on them, and at the same time, Ashton Kutcher of Punk'd is the producer of this show???????
All my money is on Vanessa Manillo being called ugly on the inside at the very end, and they show her all the footage of where she was acting ugly.
Chelsea, the most vapid of them all, is actually the nicest of them all - its so crazy. Even in week 2 she was the most conscientious and sweetest behind closed doors.
love love love this show.
11 of 12 | Posted by gnomecorp | Posted on January 16, 2009 12:44 PM
Tyra Banks is also behind this show in addition to Ashton Kutcher. That might also explain Nole being on there. He was one of the original ANTM judges.
I like Nessa btw. I think she is cute. :)
(Sorry so late with the comment. I just started watching.)
12 of 12 | Posted by Snootchy Bootches | Posted on January 23, 2009 1:20 PM