Okay. Hey, and y'all have to LOVE the ridiculous inserts of people checking out the hotties. It's like it's pained and they're all picturing their paychecks when they do it. Except for Tila Tequila here, who seems to have stumbled onto the set.
Hey, you all look douchey. Wanna make out?
Chelsea, for the record, is also a big ol drag queen, only hideous-er. Or, she could've been double-booked on the rock of love tour bus. She think's she's gorgeous, of course, but she seems, also, like a SUPERBITCH. You know people that look bitchy, like right off the bat? Well, I think I will crown her queen of these people, and let her reside over them in all of her drag-queen glory.
Horsey face? Did you get out of the wrong hot-wheels car, hon?
Then they all start to name their ages...and everyone seems to be 21 but Billy, who is 31 lines of coke old. Awww, he counts in lines. That's adorable. I'm guessing our Chelsea is 48 penises old.
Then, the first taste of bitchiness, when Joel says "Drumroll please" and Julia sarcastically responds, but hides her sarcasm with more sarcasm and hides that sarcasm in bitchiness. Man, I wonder if any of them have Nobel prizes. Maybe our next lucky filly, Hadiyayyyahhhayaha. Apparently, she's beautiful. In any case, I know her name is.
My mom was hopped up on painkillers when she named me. Then, I changed it to something even uglier.
As Paggie, the whitest girl in the room (but possibly, also the nicest?) struggles with Hadiyaliahayaya's name, we finally get a nautrally Aryan contestant (sorry, Chelsea). She's also the first one who doesn't look vaguely like a man....It's Ashley, a designer's assistant who seems to have a real occupation. Well, almost. I would guess, from the looks of her, she leads Safaris. Which is cool, because I hunt big game (catch and release, though. I'm mean but also merciful).
My underwear is made of tusk.
And next is Ray, who describes himself as cocky. No shit, that's like Paggie describing herself as (giggle) racist. Or Monique describing her crotch as "where my cock and balls are located."
These thumbnails are making momma dizzy.
Apparently, he's some kind of an "artist." Really? Paint me a picture of your ego. What? Not enough canvas in the US to do that? Well, then you're fired. You know, it's hard to find a good artist in this town- geez. All I want is a good half-naked portrait of myself covered in Jell-o pudding. Sigh.
Vanessa Manillo manically claps her hands as the ten contestants toast what looks like red Kool-aid.
A Douche consortium.
Vanessa sends in a hired actor to "shake thinks up a bit." LITERALLY.
One of many paid actors on this show, if I had to venture a guess.
Vanessa Manillo, we also learn, guffaws like white trash. I mean, this lady's mouth is never shut. (insert Nick Lachey joke here)
Catchin' flies and foolin' beauties
So literally, the waiter looses his shit and chocolate and kool-aid goes flying everywhere. It's like a 3rd grader's wet dream, but with, you know, a couple-a skanks running loose in it.
An American Tragedy.
Lovely Laura Lee gets her lucky golden stripper shoes all soiled in chocolate (yeah, like it's the first time that that's happened) and she and Hadilyaayaya get all pissy. Listen, LLL, they're just shoes. You should've bought another pair while they were on the Payless Clearance Rack (BOGO, anyone?) . I bet you can run over to the Payless on vine and fountain quick to get a new pair before anyone misses you. Just leave your implants, and it'll be like you never left.
This is how you say "I'm pissed" in Skanky Sign Language.
Ray actually helps Joel and Monique towel off. That's nice. Wait, does Ray have an erection? No, that's just an LA looks spray can in his pocket, my bad.
Cheryl Tiegs as Skeletor.
Nessie and the Judgies come out and meet the beauties (literally, the judges could be a couple of baboons and a pile of hair extensions, and the show would have the same result) and everybody CROONS. Even Chelsea, in her own, mannish, bitchy way.
Somebody give this "beauty" some clearasil, please.
Nessie tells them that the winner wins 100,000 bucks and gets to be in People. So? I've been in people 4 different times, three for my beauty and one time because I was in a Lunesta ad. Chew on that, Beauties.
« The Bachelor: Single Daddy Edition | Main | Biggest Loser: Spandex is a RIGHT! »
Comments (12)
I LOVE LOVE LOVE that you are recapping this crapfest! What a great idea for a show! I just couldn't stand it that the two most deplorable idiots were already on the chopping block. How could Chelsea not be an actress? Nobody that fug actually thinks they are that gorgeous! She is great TV and I hope she gets to stay.
1 of 12 | Posted by scottywrangler | Posted on January 9, 2009 4:32 PM
Oh yeah! Choo-choo! Trainwreck! Trainwreck!
What an awesome show concept--and it's all the more perfect to have you for the recaps, Monamomomonzanono!
I loved how the college graduate with a "biology degree" didn't know the name for a bicep. And Faux-Hawk Guy who works out on a 'regular-regular basis', which I suppose means 'a lot.' And the PBM (proud black man) reminds me an awful lot of that loud guy from Paradise Hotel 2...
And it's just great that in the talking heads they're obviously prompting these people to talk about good-looking they are over and over again. Ditto the cruelty of the hidden challenge idea.
I hope they keep Chelsea in for a while, because she looks like she's excellent at stirring the pot...with this bunch of dullards, the show's going to need some action.
And best of all, the dump the loser in the trash!
2 of 12 | Posted by itchy | Posted on January 9, 2009 5:04 PM
HYSTERICAL!
women that are actually men are always comedy gold!
3 of 12 | Posted by mones | Posted on January 9, 2009 7:26 PM
The funniest thing about this show is that any of these people thinks they are beautiful. Hot...cute...yeah (some of 'em)...but BEAUTIFUL?
So far, it seems like it should be called True Politeness instead of True Beauty.
4 of 12 | Posted by pixielated | Posted on January 10, 2009 7:55 PM
It's Craptacular! It's a hate-hate fest! These people are too stupid to work the counter at Mickey-Dee's! I know Cheryl Tiegs is 61 but her face looks like it's been beaten with a meat mallet then given a spray coat of clear vinyl. I love that they keep bringing up that Billy is 31! OMG what a grandpa. There is no beauty here at all. I have a strong feeling that Ray's agent spilled the beans to him about the inner beauty angle and we will see alot more wiping chocolate from him. I really have too much time on my hands if I continue to spend an hour each week watching this assortment of wanna-never-gonna-be-s deludng themselves into thinking they are actually relevant. If I take up knitting during the show will that cleanse my sin or will I just end up with a lower I.Q. and a mishapen hat?
5 of 12 | Posted by soapboxx | Posted on January 10, 2009 11:12 PM
itchy: I thought the same thing! A biology major doesn't know what a bicep is?! Maybe that's why she's a "club dancer" now.
monamozano (I hope I got that right): HILARIOUS!!! But you left out the best part! The reason why
Haiwannacheesenipyaaya (loved that!) ultimately got kicked off! Not only did she NOT help the PA, she got impatient, went around him and then CLOSED THE DOOR ON HIM so he STILL couldn't get in! wow! And she had the nerve to say she was a good person even after seeing the evidence to the contrary.
This show will be a recapper's dream!! So much stuff to make fun of!
Did anyone else think that at certain times, in certain lights, Cheryl Tiegs looked almost exactly like Paulina Porizkova from ANTM? It was distracting at times! Picture Paulina with blond hair. I wish I could post my own screen grab here...Not sure who I am insulting with that comparison....
Last thing: Did anyone else notice that not one of the judges got Hadiyaha's name right? Not even once? And they each said it differently from the other! I'm surprised she didn't correct them....
6 of 12 | Posted by Thatswhatshesaid | Posted on January 11, 2009 9:02 PM
Sorry, monamonzano. I'll get it right next time. :)
7 of 12 | Posted by thatswhatshesaid | Posted on January 11, 2009 9:08 PM
Is it me, or did that Monique chick, the club dancer, look like a recreation of McKey, winner of last season's ANTM?
8 of 12 | Posted by slutty_whore | Posted on January 12, 2009 5:27 AM
Picture Paulina with blonde hair...and creepy-looking over-peeled skeletor-gray flesh...
You know, I'm from the Cheryl Tiegs generation, I remember the Sports Illustrated cover that made her famous...and I feel really bad for her.
9 of 12 | Posted by itchy | Posted on January 12, 2009 10:53 AM
I feel bad for Tiegs, too. She always looks so sad, and like she doesn't know where she is. I think the dementia's setting in.
Hmm..I dunno, though. I don't think Man-ique looks anything like McKey...Mckey had sharper features and no nutsack, from what I could gather.
10 of 12 | Posted by Monamonzano | Posted on January 15, 2009 10:16 AM
OMG - I freaking love this show. There are so many ironies going on that it tickles me to the core.
First and foremost, anyone notice how Vanessa Manillo is acting ugly when she's behind the scenes and laughing like a hyena when the chocolate gets spilled on them, and at the same time, Ashton Kutcher of Punk'd is the producer of this show???????
All my money is on Vanessa Manillo being called ugly on the inside at the very end, and they show her all the footage of where she was acting ugly.
Chelsea, the most vapid of them all, is actually the nicest of them all - its so crazy. Even in week 2 she was the most conscientious and sweetest behind closed doors.
love love love this show.
11 of 12 | Posted by gnomecorp | Posted on January 16, 2009 12:44 PM
Tyra Banks is also behind this show in addition to Ashton Kutcher. That might also explain Nole being on there. He was one of the original ANTM judges.
I like Nessa btw. I think she is cute. :)
(Sorry so late with the comment. I just started watching.)
12 of 12 | Posted by Snootchy Bootches | Posted on January 23, 2009 1:20 PM