So then Nessie tells them to check out their house, and Joel thinks he has this challenge in the bag. Really? Because to me you look like Brendan Frasier in Encino man.
Only Brendan Frasier has better hair.
Then, somehow, everyone has changed clothes (oh those mysterious editors!) and are clomping through the house. Surprise surprise, the house is dope but the bedrooms suck: the beds are double and look like they've been decorated by a fifth grade girl. Still, everyone's drooling ove them because their picture is over the bed that is theirs. So, sorry- a fifth grade girl that knows how to patronize a Kinko's. My bad.
I feel like i'm in hell.
For real, if I were 31, I'd be seriously pissed I was sleeping in a baby bed, 3 inches away from a bunch of 21 year olds. Still, Billy looks thrilled.
Hope y'all don't mind: I only wear a shirt to bed.
Then, the token insert of the moon, and then, the sun. As if we can't possibly conceptualize a night going by without physical proof. Damn you editors!!!! The women wake up and start curling their lashes. Oh, I'm sorry, the women and Monique wake up and start curling their lashes while the guys jack each other off and lift some weights.
We work out next to bottles of our own urine. It's good luck.
Oh wait- but where is CJ? Oh, sorry, he's journaling. GAY.
I like to pontificate in my Ed Hardy wear.
Chelsea sashays over and he starts letting out his enevitable sob story about being a fat kid on the inside, and a guy who thinks he's Michael Jordan on the outside. Chelsea, of course, is disgusted. Fat kids? Ewwwww.
Someone get this woman (man?) 80 mgs of Clearasil, stat.
Just kidding, actually, under all that bad skin...Chelsea is also harboring a fat kid! No way! And I think she has a little somethin' on her cheek. Hopefully, it's Clearasil.
Semen-face! ooo!
Ugh, then we spend a good amount of time watching the contestant get beautiful (aka, douchey) and then LLL tries to figure out how to do dishes. Oh, and Chelsea is a bitch and badmouths Paggie when she tries to get into the bathroom to make her pageant punim up. Then, Nessie greets them looking actually sort of cute, and tells them that science will judge their beauty this round. Of course, everyone, including Encino man, is absolutely mind-boggled.
Sciiiience? Ow, my head.
But before they go, Chelsea doesn't miss another opportunity to make fun of Paggie and talk about her own pizza-face as being "celebrity." Gag me.
Apparently, Chelsea and I have very different definitions of "celebrity."
So they get into their "Beauty Bus" (more ooohs and aaaahs for a limo. Yawn) and when they get to the Doctor's office, Encino Man and Chelsea get into another tiff when Chelsea openly mocks LLL's accent (oh yeah, she does sort of have an obnoxious New Jerseyesque accent). Encino doesn't like it and Chelsea pulls the bitch out of its shell. Ugh, it looks like she rolled out of her John's bed and someone blind cast her for the show- really. OH, and take that hooker joke and add in bad skin. We can't forget her disgusting skin, can we?
So we meet creepy Dr. Palmer and his assistant, Debbie, a plant. I think that band-aid on her ear is a microphone, or she just can't stand the contestant's banter. I'm guessing the latter.
We really, seriously have to interact with these people, Doctor?
Paggie goes first, and Debbie sorta insults her by saying her butt is a "granny butt" which is actually less insulting than it is foreshadowing. Paggie also passes the next test that Nessa and the gang set up, which is leaving the groups medical files out for perusal. As a note- I love how they put everyone's picture on the front of the file. Maybe some of the beauties are illiterate? God, I hope so.
Next is CJ, who voices belligerently that he doesn't believe in the "scientific method" (HA) of beauty. Who asked what you thought, Mr. Michael Jordan? He, too, passes the "File test."
Ohhh! some cameraman just came from Film School. ...
LLL goes next, and Dr. Palmer paws her little neck and tells her it's...um, beautiful? LLL FAILS the file test and everyone in the judging nook is shocked. Really? Come on. Isn't it the doctor's responsibility not to breach the doctor-patient confidentiality agreement? LLL was just...doing some light reading. I mean, she had already read the OK! Magazine in the lobby. Give the bitch a break!
Tee Hee. Marky-Marker tickles!
« The Bachelor: Single Daddy Edition | Main | Biggest Loser: Spandex is a RIGHT! »
Comments (12)
I LOVE LOVE LOVE that you are recapping this crapfest! What a great idea for a show! I just couldn't stand it that the two most deplorable idiots were already on the chopping block. How could Chelsea not be an actress? Nobody that fug actually thinks they are that gorgeous! She is great TV and I hope she gets to stay.
1 of 12 | Posted by scottywrangler | Posted on January 9, 2009 4:32 PM
Oh yeah! Choo-choo! Trainwreck! Trainwreck!
What an awesome show concept--and it's all the more perfect to have you for the recaps, Monamomomonzanono!
I loved how the college graduate with a "biology degree" didn't know the name for a bicep. And Faux-Hawk Guy who works out on a 'regular-regular basis', which I suppose means 'a lot.' And the PBM (proud black man) reminds me an awful lot of that loud guy from Paradise Hotel 2...
And it's just great that in the talking heads they're obviously prompting these people to talk about good-looking they are over and over again. Ditto the cruelty of the hidden challenge idea.
I hope they keep Chelsea in for a while, because she looks like she's excellent at stirring the pot...with this bunch of dullards, the show's going to need some action.
And best of all, the dump the loser in the trash!
2 of 12 | Posted by itchy | Posted on January 9, 2009 5:04 PM
HYSTERICAL!
women that are actually men are always comedy gold!
3 of 12 | Posted by mones | Posted on January 9, 2009 7:26 PM
The funniest thing about this show is that any of these people thinks they are beautiful. Hot...cute...yeah (some of 'em)...but BEAUTIFUL?
So far, it seems like it should be called True Politeness instead of True Beauty.
4 of 12 | Posted by pixielated | Posted on January 10, 2009 7:55 PM
It's Craptacular! It's a hate-hate fest! These people are too stupid to work the counter at Mickey-Dee's! I know Cheryl Tiegs is 61 but her face looks like it's been beaten with a meat mallet then given a spray coat of clear vinyl. I love that they keep bringing up that Billy is 31! OMG what a grandpa. There is no beauty here at all. I have a strong feeling that Ray's agent spilled the beans to him about the inner beauty angle and we will see alot more wiping chocolate from him. I really have too much time on my hands if I continue to spend an hour each week watching this assortment of wanna-never-gonna-be-s deludng themselves into thinking they are actually relevant. If I take up knitting during the show will that cleanse my sin or will I just end up with a lower I.Q. and a mishapen hat?
5 of 12 | Posted by soapboxx | Posted on January 10, 2009 11:12 PM
itchy: I thought the same thing! A biology major doesn't know what a bicep is?! Maybe that's why she's a "club dancer" now.
monamozano (I hope I got that right): HILARIOUS!!! But you left out the best part! The reason why
Haiwannacheesenipyaaya (loved that!) ultimately got kicked off! Not only did she NOT help the PA, she got impatient, went around him and then CLOSED THE DOOR ON HIM so he STILL couldn't get in! wow! And she had the nerve to say she was a good person even after seeing the evidence to the contrary.
This show will be a recapper's dream!! So much stuff to make fun of!
Did anyone else think that at certain times, in certain lights, Cheryl Tiegs looked almost exactly like Paulina Porizkova from ANTM? It was distracting at times! Picture Paulina with blond hair. I wish I could post my own screen grab here...Not sure who I am insulting with that comparison....
Last thing: Did anyone else notice that not one of the judges got Hadiyaha's name right? Not even once? And they each said it differently from the other! I'm surprised she didn't correct them....
6 of 12 | Posted by Thatswhatshesaid | Posted on January 11, 2009 9:02 PM
Sorry, monamonzano. I'll get it right next time. :)
7 of 12 | Posted by thatswhatshesaid | Posted on January 11, 2009 9:08 PM
Is it me, or did that Monique chick, the club dancer, look like a recreation of McKey, winner of last season's ANTM?
8 of 12 | Posted by slutty_whore | Posted on January 12, 2009 5:27 AM
Picture Paulina with blonde hair...and creepy-looking over-peeled skeletor-gray flesh...
You know, I'm from the Cheryl Tiegs generation, I remember the Sports Illustrated cover that made her famous...and I feel really bad for her.
9 of 12 | Posted by itchy | Posted on January 12, 2009 10:53 AM
I feel bad for Tiegs, too. She always looks so sad, and like she doesn't know where she is. I think the dementia's setting in.
Hmm..I dunno, though. I don't think Man-ique looks anything like McKey...Mckey had sharper features and no nutsack, from what I could gather.
10 of 12 | Posted by Monamonzano | Posted on January 15, 2009 10:16 AM
OMG - I freaking love this show. There are so many ironies going on that it tickles me to the core.
First and foremost, anyone notice how Vanessa Manillo is acting ugly when she's behind the scenes and laughing like a hyena when the chocolate gets spilled on them, and at the same time, Ashton Kutcher of Punk'd is the producer of this show???????
All my money is on Vanessa Manillo being called ugly on the inside at the very end, and they show her all the footage of where she was acting ugly.
Chelsea, the most vapid of them all, is actually the nicest of them all - its so crazy. Even in week 2 she was the most conscientious and sweetest behind closed doors.
love love love this show.
11 of 12 | Posted by gnomecorp | Posted on January 16, 2009 12:44 PM
Tyra Banks is also behind this show in addition to Ashton Kutcher. That might also explain Nole being on there. He was one of the original ANTM judges.
I like Nessa btw. I think she is cute. :)
(Sorry so late with the comment. I just started watching.)
12 of 12 | Posted by Snootchy Bootches | Posted on January 23, 2009 1:20 PM