Encino Man, Chelsea and Ashley all pass the test.
Ashley would've failed, too, but she got sidetracked by some blank post-it notes.
Billy and Monique didn't look at the files, but Ray and Hadiyaualduuuylaila do. OOPS!
Fail, also, at life.
So, the beauties gather around for the results, and they are....results? I don't know. Anything about 85 is good looking, 95 "star quality." What does that even mean? And, where do people like Danny De Vito and Carrot Top fit into this equation?
Ray (who always seems to look constipated and high) gets a 92.
Monique (who always seems to look like a man) gets a 91. She actually looks a lot like Hedwig, a la Hedwig and the Angry Inch. Only, less talented and with bigger nutsacks.
Ashley gets a 94, while CJ gets all pissy because he doesn't like being, um, Judged on beauty. Uh...I think you'd be better of as a cast member on...I dunno...I love New York or Cheaters or something. C'mon, man! He sounds SO DUMB. Cheryl Tiegs says something but isn't mean enough. Who is the mean judge??? We need a mean judge. Still, CJ gets a 94. Meh.
Billy gets a 95, despite being an old-ass.
Encino man gets a likening to brad pitt, and also 95.
LLL gets a 94, and then the remaining three women get called up. Chelsea bitches about being "not ugly," truly grasping the point of the exercise. Ugh. She needs kicking off , for real-zies.
Paggie gets a 91, and Hadidjduuyyellla and Chelsea both get the lowest scores, and Hadiuuiiyyuuulolulluuacabbageface throws a shit fit. And, cries. Yawn. And talks so I can't understand, all gobbledy-gook like. But isn't it weird that they never actually say their score? I bet it's a 3.5. Hey, I'll take a 35.
The judges wanna give them one last test...OH GOD, WHAT WILL IT BE???
While we wait to find out, let's visit Chelsea, shall we? She keeps bitchin' about how everyone looks the same but her...which is true...nobody else has fried, blonde hair and terrible skin and an attitude like a skinned cat.
Somebody else already has the nickname "Encino Man." Maybe "Encino Woman?"
Personally, I wanna slap all these conceited assholes in the face. ESPECIALLY Chelsea, and BEFORE she draws her eyebrows in and before she tapes her nutsack down.
As the girls ride to the "hall of beauty" for elimination, Nessie explains that a PA with coffee is planted by the entrance and will need help getting in.
Chelsea gets let out first (I wonder how they explain to the contestants that they can't go in together, and they need to park around the corner? Ah well, they're all mildly retarded anyway, right?) and helps the PA get inside the building. Wow. Who would've thought? If I had to tell the future, I'd say she would've drop-kicked him and taken his wallet. But hey, I only have three Ph.D.'s and none of them are in Dumbass Bitchery.
Then the clever little editor elves cut to the two women in the Hall of Beauty. Nessie gives them each a chance to plead their case. Hadiyyaylilihal goes first and, in her garbled, incomprehensible blather, says something about...doctors are wrong...real beauty is natural...chocolate chips...Dumbwaiter skittleface. I mean, that's not verbatim but it's close.
It's so hard...they're both such wonderful people....
Chelsea makes a plea for her "uniqueness" again (sigh). Cheryl/Skeletor says Hadiliuliuyyyyyyy is morose and needs to smile more, and Nole thinks Chelsea needs a make under (no shit).
In the end, Chelsea gets to stay, Hadiuluilikkahcupcake gets to go and Nessie tries to look extra pouty (sad? Do her gums itch?). And then the fun begins: telling the loser that they're ousted not because they look...semi-good looking, but because they're horrible people.
If they are horrible people, I am their horrible, personality-less leader.
Then Hadilulucatwalkilllah lies to the judges about looking at the files and talks back to Skeletor. NOBODY TALKS BACK TO SKELETOR. NOBODY.
Don't even try to beat me in a pouty contest, bitch.
Nessie keeps telling Haddiliuliliyayayayaya that she's a horrible person and then she leaves.
Which is fortunate, because the maintenance men were just about to do some spring cleaning. Coincidence?
Look, ma- I'm doing my fake job on fake TV!
So who do YOU think is the best looking, or the more Cro-magnonest? Who's detestable and who should be put down?
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Comments (12)
I LOVE LOVE LOVE that you are recapping this crapfest! What a great idea for a show! I just couldn't stand it that the two most deplorable idiots were already on the chopping block. How could Chelsea not be an actress? Nobody that fug actually thinks they are that gorgeous! She is great TV and I hope she gets to stay.
1 of 12 | Posted by scottywrangler | Posted on January 9, 2009 4:32 PM
Oh yeah! Choo-choo! Trainwreck! Trainwreck!
What an awesome show concept--and it's all the more perfect to have you for the recaps, Monamomomonzanono!
I loved how the college graduate with a "biology degree" didn't know the name for a bicep. And Faux-Hawk Guy who works out on a 'regular-regular basis', which I suppose means 'a lot.' And the PBM (proud black man) reminds me an awful lot of that loud guy from Paradise Hotel 2...
And it's just great that in the talking heads they're obviously prompting these people to talk about good-looking they are over and over again. Ditto the cruelty of the hidden challenge idea.
I hope they keep Chelsea in for a while, because she looks like she's excellent at stirring the pot...with this bunch of dullards, the show's going to need some action.
And best of all, the dump the loser in the trash!
2 of 12 | Posted by itchy | Posted on January 9, 2009 5:04 PM
HYSTERICAL!
women that are actually men are always comedy gold!
3 of 12 | Posted by mones | Posted on January 9, 2009 7:26 PM
The funniest thing about this show is that any of these people thinks they are beautiful. Hot...cute...yeah (some of 'em)...but BEAUTIFUL?
So far, it seems like it should be called True Politeness instead of True Beauty.
4 of 12 | Posted by pixielated | Posted on January 10, 2009 7:55 PM
It's Craptacular! It's a hate-hate fest! These people are too stupid to work the counter at Mickey-Dee's! I know Cheryl Tiegs is 61 but her face looks like it's been beaten with a meat mallet then given a spray coat of clear vinyl. I love that they keep bringing up that Billy is 31! OMG what a grandpa. There is no beauty here at all. I have a strong feeling that Ray's agent spilled the beans to him about the inner beauty angle and we will see alot more wiping chocolate from him. I really have too much time on my hands if I continue to spend an hour each week watching this assortment of wanna-never-gonna-be-s deludng themselves into thinking they are actually relevant. If I take up knitting during the show will that cleanse my sin or will I just end up with a lower I.Q. and a mishapen hat?
5 of 12 | Posted by soapboxx | Posted on January 10, 2009 11:12 PM
itchy: I thought the same thing! A biology major doesn't know what a bicep is?! Maybe that's why she's a "club dancer" now.
monamozano (I hope I got that right): HILARIOUS!!! But you left out the best part! The reason why
Haiwannacheesenipyaaya (loved that!) ultimately got kicked off! Not only did she NOT help the PA, she got impatient, went around him and then CLOSED THE DOOR ON HIM so he STILL couldn't get in! wow! And she had the nerve to say she was a good person even after seeing the evidence to the contrary.
This show will be a recapper's dream!! So much stuff to make fun of!
Did anyone else think that at certain times, in certain lights, Cheryl Tiegs looked almost exactly like Paulina Porizkova from ANTM? It was distracting at times! Picture Paulina with blond hair. I wish I could post my own screen grab here...Not sure who I am insulting with that comparison....
Last thing: Did anyone else notice that not one of the judges got Hadiyaha's name right? Not even once? And they each said it differently from the other! I'm surprised she didn't correct them....
6 of 12 | Posted by Thatswhatshesaid | Posted on January 11, 2009 9:02 PM
Sorry, monamonzano. I'll get it right next time. :)
7 of 12 | Posted by thatswhatshesaid | Posted on January 11, 2009 9:08 PM
Is it me, or did that Monique chick, the club dancer, look like a recreation of McKey, winner of last season's ANTM?
8 of 12 | Posted by slutty_whore | Posted on January 12, 2009 5:27 AM
Picture Paulina with blonde hair...and creepy-looking over-peeled skeletor-gray flesh...
You know, I'm from the Cheryl Tiegs generation, I remember the Sports Illustrated cover that made her famous...and I feel really bad for her.
9 of 12 | Posted by itchy | Posted on January 12, 2009 10:53 AM
I feel bad for Tiegs, too. She always looks so sad, and like she doesn't know where she is. I think the dementia's setting in.
Hmm..I dunno, though. I don't think Man-ique looks anything like McKey...Mckey had sharper features and no nutsack, from what I could gather.
10 of 12 | Posted by Monamonzano | Posted on January 15, 2009 10:16 AM
OMG - I freaking love this show. There are so many ironies going on that it tickles me to the core.
First and foremost, anyone notice how Vanessa Manillo is acting ugly when she's behind the scenes and laughing like a hyena when the chocolate gets spilled on them, and at the same time, Ashton Kutcher of Punk'd is the producer of this show???????
All my money is on Vanessa Manillo being called ugly on the inside at the very end, and they show her all the footage of where she was acting ugly.
Chelsea, the most vapid of them all, is actually the nicest of them all - its so crazy. Even in week 2 she was the most conscientious and sweetest behind closed doors.
love love love this show.
11 of 12 | Posted by gnomecorp | Posted on January 16, 2009 12:44 PM
Tyra Banks is also behind this show in addition to Ashton Kutcher. That might also explain Nole being on there. He was one of the original ANTM judges.
I like Nessa btw. I think she is cute. :)
(Sorry so late with the comment. I just started watching.)
12 of 12 | Posted by Snootchy Bootches | Posted on January 23, 2009 1:20 PM