All right turds- he'res another whippin' up of America's favorite fake beauty contest, TRUE BEAUTY. Last week, CJ came back from the hall of beauty stating that he's going to "Be Me" 100%. All I want to know: does that mean more Ed Hardy and journaling, or less? LLL wants to know why CJ keeps getting to come back, and he says that they "appreciated that he took the Judge's information and Implied it." Right, coach. Hey, nice job, Coach. Ray wants CJ to go home, foreshadowing the obvious....

The next morning, after everyone has ample time to pat CJ on the back, Encino man brushes his teeth angrily and Paggie does some weird shit with her hair.

Mmmfflarfff

Then Billy launches himself on a tirade of personal care product. Yeah, he'd consider himself high maintenance. NO SHIT. I'm assuming that most of the universe considers these people, um...far and beyond the human standard of "maintenance." They should be put on a planet of mirrors so they can just check each others' and their own tanned asses out. Sigh. But I digress...

Pimple or stray hair? Only the tweezers will tell.

Apparently, the editors have it so that all the gettin' ready is in preparation....for time in the hot tub. Everyone's there but CJ, who is writing some journal shit (I'm guessing he's just doodling dinosaurs with hats made of cupcakes. HATS made of CUPCAKES! yeah, I'm hungry, what?). When he does finally make an appearance at the douche-tub, Billy says that CJ's "not in the game." Which, makes sense, if the game is a giant, STD infested filth-pool, complete with Bud Lights for all. CJ disagrees, in his weird way to make himself sound smart, and then Billy says, "Be with your family, boy." Oh Billy, you are either a heartfelt man of the people or a racist with bad highlights. Or, both? CJ makes it clear that Billy "Ain't gonna work for him." And the hot tub quickly goes from hot n' sexy to burny n' awkward.

Chelsea: "If I try to be very still, maybe I will disappear."

Then Encino man explains that Billy and CJ have a weird rivalry based around misunderstood, pseudo-racist rhetoric. Will the battle of wills never stop???

Whatever, I dig Black people.

CJ confesses that he wants to like Billy, but most of the shit that comes out of Billy's mouth is...semi-inappropriate and sounds sarcastic. Which is weird, because it seems to be trying to be nice, in a weird, hamfisted way. So now that everyone's all awkwarded out, what does a true beauty do to ease the tension? Why, get naked of course!

Whatever, y'all like it.

There always has to be a naked guy in the mix, doesn't there? Doesn't matter whether the show is Road Rules or Biggest Loser: Couples, someone's always showin' their junk. Ray is loving every minute of it, too.

Ray is to Nakedness as peanut butter is to a hamburger. ESSENTIAL.

Later, our gal Nessie meets the Beauties in a big white room that the Beauties appropriately gawked at. Nessie barks that "true beauty is a timeless beauty," and everyone is aptly perplexed, or at least still confused by all that white paint....In actuality, Nessie is just showing them what they're gonna look like when they are old. EW, old people? Really, True Beauty? You had to go there?

First is Billy, who, as an old person looks like a saddlebag.

Plus hair product.

Next is LLL, whose aged picture looks more like a cubist painting than a human being.

A PISSED cubist painting.

LLL tells the cameras that she saw her photo and almost threw up! Oh, LLL, when will you learn to stop speaking and only bat your lashes and giggle? Ray looks like he took a big fat dump.

Those dumps were a long time coming...

Old, ugly Julia looks like she wandered out of the Old Folks home during a puppet show.

She was a-scratchin' on my screen door, Officer.

Joel looks like a turtle.

Who is, I might add, also pissed.

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Posted in True Beauty by Monamonzano at 9:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (5)
Last Comment: Monamonzano on Feb 3, 2009 05:15 PM.