More old people? AHHHHH!
This magnificent week on True Beauty, the Beauties learn what it's like to undergo relatively low-pressure exercise that doesn't involve a gym. Then, they have to shoot a video, ironically, about what "Natural Beauty" means to them. Yeah, I know, somebody hide their boobies (I'm looking at you, LLL). The Judges look at their videos and decides who wins and who is a complete and utter failure! Yay!
No more CJ, what ever will a beauty do? Billy McCokerson heads back to the mansion emotionally and physically drained, and ready to get back into the game. Oh Billy- what will I make fun of if I can't make fun of you finding shirts to make your eyes pop? Hmmm, I'll try to find something. Oh! Got one! LLL and Ray's goth party, where everyone looks about the same only with more hairspray and eyeliner.
LLL, ready for her audition for "Cats" off-broadway.
Okay, and I guess in LLL Brooklynspeak, the party would be more of...um, a "Goaath Paahty." Meanwhile, Ray looks like he's from the band Flock of Seagulls.
Or a terrible KISS cover band.
Billy comes home like someone's coked-up Dad, but alas, nobody is loitering in any public area. Whaaa? Oh, they're still painting up a storm in the bathroom, and Ray gives the old man a bear hug. Hey, and guess what? I'm beginning to kinda like Ray. Why? because he's stopped being such a douche and has become more the Matthew McConaughey of the house: oblivious and naked-y.
Check my pubes, dudes.
Everyone thinks Billy looks like a pirate, but I think he looks like a member of some sort of Manson family raccoon clan.
Can I go through your garbage?
And the big reveal: BILLY IS A CHIPPENDALE DANCER (which I had forgotten). Had you? And, like Paggie says, "I can totally see that." Me too...slightly middle aged guy dancing shamelessly for more-than-middle-aged obese women who are having a bachelorette party to celebrate the wedding of one fat friend to a guy said friend met on the internet. No, I can't say I know firsthand, but I have friends. In the midwest. It isn't me, I SWEAR (weeps, eats chicken wing).
Then Billy decides to show the Beauties some of his "moves." Good god. He's sitting on a couch, first of all, and his moves look a lot like...I dunno, some dance move I made up at my bad mitzvah.
Geez, if he weren't so blonde, I'd think he was my Jewish Dad.
But even FUNNIER is when Chelsea decides to disclose that she's a HIP HOP DANCER. Okay, folks. I think I need a moment. Just one.
HAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. HA! She takes herself so seriously, it's amazing. She's like a big-eyed Sanyo caricature of herself mixed with a Streetfighter version of herself. Brilliant. Not to be shown up, Chelsea gets up to show some of her "moves," which seem to be obscured by her massive amount of fried, blonde hair. I wish I could find some good pictures, but all I see is her semi-allright body and a pile of hair, undulating in a most serious manner.
Of course, she thinks Billy's Chippendale dance experience is a joke, and they have a retarded little dance-off. Sorry, can I not say retarded anymore? Okay. I mean, this dance-off is like a fawn dying in the forest. And, the fawn's on fire. And, it's mother is a cheesecake. Make sense? Exactly.
It's like watching Ginger Rogers and Fred Astair throw up all over each other.
What else is great about this little scene? EVERYONE is laughing at Chelsea, and sort of egging the two of them on. Even LLL, who has the sharpmindedness of pound cake.
The next day, Nessie comes in to collect overdue fines.
I know you don't read, but humor me and my floppy bow frock collection.
She tells the beauties that they're partnering up, but of course in the non-sexual way. Except for Billy and Encino Man, who will be fellating each other during the challenge. Well, almost. Close. Billy DIGS Encino man that is so not platonic. What would the Chippendales back home say??? LLL and Paggie get teamed up, in a duo that will make straightening irons shudder all through the greater Los Angeles area. And finally, Ray and Chelsea. Ray, not surprisingly, is disgusted. Chelsea is disgusted, too, because Ray "doesn't take things seriously." Really, Chels? Because he has no skin problems that we know of and he's never been to the Hall of Beauty. Hmmm....
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Comments (10)
I was REALLY hoping Encino Man would go home this week. Just watching his arrogance pisses me off. Blech.
At least Chelsea provides entertainment.
1 of 10 | Posted by ThisShowRocks! | Posted on February 5, 2009 9:15 AM
I never thought Chelsea was so bad. She did far less than the other bitches in the house (male and female) but she always sort of got a bad rap because she isn't as "beautiful."
Is there really anyone on this show who should win? Doubtful. This show is getting to be like last season's Amazing Race. After a certain point, everyone was a loser and you didn't care who won. I guess if I had to choose one person it would be Billy. He is sleezy but not douchey like the others. And he carries a murse so he must be nice inside. :p
2 of 10 | Posted by Snootchy Bootches | Posted on February 5, 2009 9:24 AM
Thanks for watching, dudes and dudettes. Really, I don't think it's just Chelsea's looks but her whole attitude that got to me...she reminds me of a high school "friend" of mine who thought she was the shit and talked down to everyone. Encino Man is terrible, too, but really I'm rooting for Ray to win, just so maybe we can see more naked parts.
3 of 10 | Posted by Monamonzano | Posted on February 5, 2009 11:54 AM
Well, I know I haven't been watching this, but without Chelsea, I'm not sure I want too--she was entertaining . . . that look with the seal is priceless!!! The more tranny she looks, the better, to me, anyway!! Everyone else is just boring. Ray looks much older than 20's, is it me, but I'm glad you likey Mona!!!
thanks for the great recap, and if you're going to carry a murse, at least get a solid one . . . knock off stripe patterns are so wrong on a murse!
4 of 10 | Posted by juddfan | Posted on February 5, 2009 2:58 PM
So, let me get this straight (since I'm overseas)--this show is on national television? Like prime time?
This show?
What the hell has happened to the country since I've been gone?
Anyway, I can look at LLL for days and days, so there. And she's from the East Coast, so of course I'm on her side. As long as she doesn't open her mouth, we're good. Inner beauty, my bunghole.
5 of 10 | Posted by itchy | Posted on February 5, 2009 3:20 PM
Great recap. Awful train wreck of a show.
What is a balled eagle?
Inquiring minds want to know!
LOL!
6 of 10 | Posted by scottywrangler | Posted on February 5, 2009 4:54 PM
agreed- checkered murses are very...GAY.
Also, itchy, I'm jealous. And yes, this is a real show.
And, a Balled Eagle? Use your imagination, babycakes! : ) Typo turned gold, am I right?
7 of 10 | Posted by Monamonzano | Posted on February 5, 2009 5:08 PM
anyone ever see the movie "CryBaby" with Johnny Depp...very old movie either late 80's or early 90's. anyway...chelsea reminds me of the character "hachetface." very scary....& crooked. i'm so glad she's gone....
8 of 10 | Posted by mrngstar | Posted on February 5, 2009 7:35 PM
Oh there's no doubt that Billy's ambiguous, but more importantly, he's a complete dork.
I mean, he's such a geek, he almost seems human. Which means of course that they're setting him up to 'win' this weirdness.
Good call on the Hatchet Face resemblance! That movie also starred Traci Lords--the best porn actress of all time...
9 of 10 | Posted by itchy | Posted on February 5, 2009 11:40 PM
I can't believe nobody has commented on Cheryl's dress.
The red one with the misplaced, backward thong that seemed to be holding up her breasticles.
There must be a picture of it somewhere! It was awful!
10 of 10 | Posted by scottywrangler | Posted on February 9, 2009 2:35 PM